


Lips That Have Smiled, Eyes That Have Shed Tears

by innerslytherin, severity_softly



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bullying, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pre-Series, The Ark, The Ark Station, not a wip, skybox
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-01 14:20:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 86,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6523651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innerslytherin/pseuds/innerslytherin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/severity_softly/pseuds/severity_softly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellamy Blake isn't one of the privileged on the Ark. His life as a guard cadet would be a lot easier if he weren't trying to keep his mother's secrets and protect his sister. What Bellamy doesn't realize is just how much a certain doctor has figured out about his problems, and how much Doctor Jackson wants to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [slightlyjillian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/slightlyjillian/gifts).



> We hand-waved a few things while writing this. The Ark doesn't have a limited supply of water in this fic. The timeline of Monty & Jasper's arrest is moved up a bit. And Jackson's backstory is AU, as this was written before 3x10, "Fallen", revealed info about Jackson's mother. Also, neither of us speak Hindi, so the single sentence we wrote in Hindi was googled. If you speak Hindi, and we got it wrong, our feelings will not be hurt if you correct us. :) The title is from "Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman.
> 
> This fic is NOT a WIP. All 11 chapters are written and we will be posting a chapter every few days.

Bellamy Blake leaned against the wall in the Medical waiting area, glowering at nothing in particular. He could deal with the guard cadets' drill instructor, Sergeant Miller, just fine; he was tough--damn tough--but he was fair.

It was just whenever Inspector Grus came around that things got rough. Grus had a couple of cronies in the cadet class, and he knew damn well Cadet Blake was never going to be one of them. That meant any time Grus was due for a class inspection, two or three of the other cadets managed to jump Bellamy somehow and make it look like an accident.

Fortunately, Grus only showed up once a month or so. Unfortunately, this time Bellamy had lost his temper and fought back, so he'd been sent to medical with a reprimand to go along with his black eye and gashed upper lip.

Bellamy wasn't surprised when Doctor Jackson appeared around a corner, looking at him. Jackson had first treated him about eight or nine months ago, after Doctor Griffin transferred Bellamy out of her care.

He had seemed a little too eager to Bellamy that first day he'd met him, but Jackson had settled since then.

Then again, maybe Jackson had just grown weary of seeing Bellamy's face once a month.

"Bellamy." Jackson frowned, then reached up and touched Bellamy's upper arm lightly. "I have a table ready," he said, then inclined his head toward the examination area.

"Nice to see you, too," Bellamy mumbled, heading in the direction indicated. It _was_ nice to see him, actually, but Bell had gotten into the habit lately of protecting himself, even from his friends.

Jackson nodded, then patted the table for Bell to hop up on. "I would say the same, but I'd rather not be seeing you in this context so often." He took a cursory look at Bell's lip. "That's going to leave a mark. What happened this time?" He pulled a blood pressure cuff from the wall and wrapped it around Bell's upper arm.

Bellamy's lips pulled to one side in a wry smile, then he hissed at the pain. He glanced sideways at Jackson. "I fell down." It was the same answer he'd given every time--it wasn't like Bellamy could rat out Grus and his cronies. He was surprised Jackson even bothered to ask him anymore.

Jackson looked up at him on the table, holding his gaze as he inflated the cuff. He looked away as it deflated, obviously turning his attention to catching the numbers he was after. Then he was tearing the cuff off and making notes. "Never heard of anyone getting a reprimand for falling down," he said casually.

Oh crap. Bellamy hadn't thought Jackson would hear about the reprimand. He exhaled. "I fell down _at_ someone this time," he muttered, his earlier wry humor fading. _Just let it go, please,_ he thought. He put up with it because Grus knew his mother had a secret--why else would she need to know the inspection schedules? If Bellamy pushed back, Grus might decide he needed to know what that secret was.

Jackson raised a brow at him. "That's an interesting way to say you got in another fight," Jackson said, turning Bell's wrist to take his pulse, lifting his other hand to look at his watch.

Bellamy opened his mouth to answer, but Jackson shushed him, so Bell just glowered at him until he was finished. He was pretty sure taking his pulse wouldn't tell Jackson much, anyway. His pulse had jumped the moment Jackson touched his wrist. It always did. Bellamy swallowed and looked away. "I just fought back this time, that's all," he mumbled.

Jackson made an unhappy noise. "Your pulse rate is still elevated. Still not enough to need medication, but…" He shook his head and made a note in his chart. Then he looked back up at Bell, inspecting his injuries. "No new illnesses, surgeries, medications since I last saw you?"

Bellamy glowered at him. Jackson _knew_ the answer would be no, but Bell supposed it was one of those stupid questions Jackson was required to ask.

"No," he grumbled.

Then he winced when Jackson touched the skin above his lip, just outside the cut. "I haven't seen the other guy," he murmured. "How did the floor fare?"

"Why don't we ever talk about fun stuff, like what books we've read lately?" Bellamy said. "The floor has a broken nose. So I expect Doctor Griffin will want to yell at me too."

Jackson's lips twisted. "Probably. Good luck with that." He pulled away and started sorting through a nearby drawer. "I think all you need is a butterfly bandage and some ice, but that lip may split again if you smile too much." He turned around and fixed Bellamy with a flat stare. "I guess there's no danger of that, though."

Bellamy's lips twitched, but he just tilted his head to glare back at Jackson. Except there was something endearing about the mock sternness in Jackson's expression, and Bellamy had to look away to keep from laughing. He couldn't quite swallow the grunt of pain when his lip pulled, but he still felt lighter than he had in days.

He heard Jackson huff a breath, then Jackson was moving toward him again. When Jackson's hand turned Bellamy's head back to face him, he was smiling faintly. "I'm still working on my Abby impression," he said quietly, his fingers pressing against Bellamy's mouth gently. "It works on most people. I guess I'm still not there with you."

Bell grunted a laugh, since he didn't think he should really talk while Jackson was patching up his lip. He let his eyes close for a moment, enjoying the gentle touch. He probably ought to be grateful to Inspector Grus. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if he didn't have regular excuses to see Jackson.

At one point, Jackson leaned in very close, and Bellamy found himself holding his breath, and then Jackson stepped away, smiling, though his gaze was still on Bellamy's mouth. "You might wind up with a scar," he said, and frowned. "That's kind of a bad location for a cut, but I'm afraid if I stitch it, you'll wind up with an even worse scar." He looked up at Bellamy. "If it starts looking like it's not healing well, though, come see me." Something flickered across his face and was gone. "Or anyone in medical, really."

Bellamy hitched one shoulder. "What's life without a few scars?" he said, the new bandage making him slur a little. "Don't worry, if it gives me trouble, I'll come see you." He studied Jackson's face for a moment, thinking how tired he looked. "Guess I probably shouldn't drink anything alcoholic for a couple days, huh?"

"Ah," Jackson said, watching as Bellamy slid off the table. "Probably wouldn't feel too great on that cut. But otherwise, you're probably okay." He followed Bellamy to the door of medical and let Bellamy get several feet away, and then said, "Uh, Bellamy?"

Bellamy sucked in a tiny breath and turned back. "Yeah?" he said, and wanted to kick himself for the hope in his voice. Hope was dangerous. It just got you hurt.

"If… if you ever _do_ want to talk about fun stuff like what we've read recently," he said, shrugging and looking a little nervous. "I'm usually on Go-Sci Station."

Bellamy couldn't answer for a second, shocked that his hope hadn't been dashed. Then he took a couple of steps back towards Jackson. "Last I checked, even doctors had to eat," he ventured.

Jackson smiled at him, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "Coffee," he said. "I mostly run on caffeine." He took a step outside the door toward Bellamy. "I eat on occasion."

Bellamy gave him a crooked smile back, trying to keep from pulling the butterfly off his cut. "Yeah? The next occasion being...sometime today? Your hands are steady enough the caffeine must be wearing off."

"I'm not sure, let me check with Abby," Jackson said. "Hang on."

He disappeared into medical, and then came back out almost too quickly to have actually had a conversation, looking slightly flustered. "She said I could go now. If you're not needed anywhere, anyway."

Bellamy shook his head, watching Jackson. The problem with having a meal with Jackson right now was that it hurt so damn much to smile, and Bellamy wanted to prove he knew how to smile. "Sergeant Miller said he didn't want to see my face until tomorrow," he said. "So I have some unexpected free time."

Jackson's eyebrows raised and lowered as he walked closer to Bellamy. "I'd say 'it must be nice', but that's probably not the right thing," he said.

Bellamy shrugged. "Might be a cheap price to pay, in the end," he said, thinking that if this was all it took to actually spend non-medical time with Jackson, it was entirely worth it. He shoved his hands in his pockets as he fell in next to Jackson. "Don't you guys have any apprentices, or is it just you and Dr. Griffin?"

"Right now? On Go-Sci, it's just us. It's… selective, and I'm not cleared yet to start training anyone. Abby's too busy, with dual duties in medical and on the council. I'm lucky she took me on years ago." Jackson shrugged. 

Bellamy nodded. He'd already been impressed, but he could tell Jackson was being modest about how selective it was. With such high stakes, it had to be. "You enjoy your work, I can tell," he said. "And I already know you're good at it," he added, gesturing at his bandaged lip.

Jackson looked at him sideways, suddenly grinning. "If I had known you were suddenly going to start being nice to me, I wouldn't have come," he teased.

Bellamy tensed a little. He was overdoing it, wasn't he? He arched the eyebrow that didn't hurt at Jackson. "I thought doctors were sadistic, not masochists," he said, and then wished he hadn't said the first thing that came to mind. God, he hadn't tried to flirt with anyone in a couple of years. He'd obviously forgotten how.

To his relief, Jackson let out a small laugh. "Opposite, actually," he said, smiling faintly. He glanced sideways at Bellamy. "To what you said before, yes, I enjoy my work. I've wanted to be a doctor since I was eleven. Good thing it was what I hoped it would be."

Bellamy hummed thoughtfully. He envied Jackson that certainty. Bellamy had known he was supposed to be a guard for a long time, but he honestly couldn't remember if it was something he'd wanted first, or if he'd just known his mother needed him to become a guard. There were days--like today--when he wondered if he were really cut out for the job. "That sounds nice," he murmured, then realized Jackson was still watching him. "So do you really have time to read books, or were you just humoring me?" he asked.

Jackson hummed and looked away. "A little of both? Mostly just humoring you," he said. "I've been reading the most recent DSM out of curiosity, but I don't think that counts."

"I'm guessing that's a medical textbook, which definitely doesn't count," Bellamy said, giving him a look. He couldn't help but be pleased that Jackson had used that excuse to continue their conversation, though. "Then again, I'm reading _The History_ of Herodotus, so maybe that doesn't count either."

"Wow," Jackson said. "I never expected you to be a nerd," he teased. "The, ah, DSM is the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. So I have no room to call names. At least there's a narrative to history. Who's Herodotus?"

Bellamy started to grin, then pressed the back of his hand to his upper lip. Jackson the doctor was calling _him_ a nerd? "The first historian. He was Greek, of course, and he wrote his history in the fifth century BCE." He glanced over at Jackson. "I guess I do sound like a nerd," he admitted.

"You're reading the history of a historian," Jackson said, grinning back. " _Huge_ nerd."

"Not just a dumb guard after all, huh?" Bell said, smiling faintly. They'd reached the mess hall, and Bellamy paused, gesturing for Jackson to go ahead of him.

Jackson stopped and looked at Bellamy, and oddly that appraising doctor face was back on him. "I didn't expect you to be dumb," he said gently, then walked into the mess.

Bellamy smiled at Jackson's back for a moment before following. After they went through the line and Bellamy had found them a table, he propped his chin in his hand and looked at Jackson. "So I'd ask what you do in your spare time besides reading mental disorder handbooks, but I'm starting to wonder if spare time is mostly a myth for you."

Jackson smiled faintly, taking a bite of his food. "Abby makes me take time off when she can spare it. I… sometimes join a game of basketball, when it doesn't look too competitive, and I play chess. Mostly against myself."

"I guess that's one way to make sure you always win," Bellamy teased. He poked his fork at his food. "I wouldn't claim mad skills or anything, but I like chess." He tilted his head, studying Jackson. "I'd remember you jumping in on one of the cadet pick-up games." Though Bellamy only joined when he knew Grus' boys weren't playing, so he missed a lot of them.

"Yeah, I was the one missing all the baskets, I'm sure," Jackson said, taking a bite of his food. "I used to play chess all the time with my mom, but she passed a few years ago. I'm probably getting rusty, but it keeps my mind occupied."

Bellamy nodded. "If you ever feel like playing against someone else, let me know," he offered. "You'll probably still win, but maybe I know a play or two you haven't seen." He took a bite of his food, chewing carefully to keep from aggravating his cut.

Jackson's expression brightened. "I'd be happy to have company," he said.

Bellamy couldn't help smiling at that, then said, "Ow. My doctor's going to yell at you for undoing all his hard work." He pressed his lips together, looking down at his plate again. "'Course, I've never had a reprimand before. I don't know if I'll be drawing extra duties after this."

Damn it. He wished he hadn't thought of that. His mother was going to be so disappointed in him. Bellamy knew damn well what she'd sacrificed to keep Octavia safe and get him a guard appointment. He ought to be able to handle a little humiliation of his own. He took another bite of food.

He could feel Jackson's gaze on him for a moment, then Jackson said, "I'd be willing to bet when your doctor told you not to smile, he didn't mean frown instead." His voice was so gentle, but when Bellamy looked back up, Jackson had dropped his gaze to his own food.

"Sorry," Bellamy said, and took a slow breath. "My mom...called in a couple big favors to get me this appointment. Feels like I let her down today." He cleared his throat and forced his expression to be more neutral, but he couldn't think of anything to say to change the subject, so he just took a sip of his tea.

Jackson sighed, and took another bite of his food. He had a thoughtful expression on his face. "What was different about today than any of the other fights you've been in?"

"Besides the fact I threw a couple punches of my own?" Bellamy said, then shook his head. He knew what Jackson meant. "Th--He just said..." He found himself frowning and smoothed out his expression again. "He shared his own idea of how I got my spot in the guard." What he'd actually said was, _If Blake's mom didn't earn his appointment on her back, maybe Blake did._ And if it had just been aimed at Bellamy, he could have kept his temper. If it had been a _lie_ , Bellamy could have kept his temper.

The truth Bellamy tried not to face was that he was _ashamed_ of what his mother had done. But how could you be ashamed of someone you loved?

"Oh?" Jackson said, watching him. "How's that?"

Bellamy opened his mouth, but he couldn't force the words out. He didn't even know if he was more ashamed of his mom, or of himself for being ashamed. He glanced at Jackson, then looked away, his gaze scanning the mess hall blankly. Then he felt a burn of anger as he recognized Cadet Heron across the room. Heron's nose was thickly bandaged, but he was laughing with a group of guys.

Bellamy swallowed. What the hell? It would probably get around anyway. And if it didn't, Jackson didn't seem like the kind of guy who would spread that rumor.

"If Blake's mom didn't earn his appointment on her back, maybe _Blake_ did," he spat, his voice low and angry.

God, he wanted to punch Heron again.

He heard Jackson suck in a breath, and when he looked back at Jackson, his expression was a mix of surprise and compassion. And shock. "I…" he breathed. "I'm not sure I would have thrown a punch if it were me," he said, "but I'm pretty sure that's only because I wouldn't want to have to fix the guy later."

Bell huffed an unhappy breath. "They can say what they want about me. I'll prove 'em wrong eventually. But..." He held Jackson's gaze a moment longer, then looked down at his plate. _But I can't prove them wrong about her._

Jackson was silent for a moment, obviously waiting for Bellamy to finish his thought. When it was clear Bellamy wasn't going to finish, Jackson slid a hand across the table to let his fingers rest on Bellamy's forearm. "Hey," he said, "we don't have to talk about this if you don't want."

Bellamy looked at Jackson's hand on his arm, feeling his throat tighten. Maybe Jackson only cared because he was a doctor. But doctors were supposed to keep your secrets, weren't they? Bellamy blinked a couple of times and lifted his gaze to Jackson's. "Can you...can you keep a secret?" he whispered. He held Jackson's gaze as the other man nodded slowly. "I think she did."

As soon as he said the words, Bellamy felt heat flash through him. Oh, God, he shouldn't have said that. Now he was being disloyal on top of everything. He looked down at the table, feeling his face grow hotter.

Jackson's hand slid a little farther, enough so he could curl his hand around Bell's arm and give it a gentle squeeze. "If she did, I'm sure she did it because she wanted what was best for you."

Bellamy swallowed and made himself look back up at Jackson. He wondered how it was possible to feel this miserable about something and still be overly aware of Jackson's touch. He huffed out a breath and looked down at Jackson's fingers on his arm, liking how they looked there. "Maybe." _Or maybe she just didn't think I could do it on my own._

His eye was throbbing more than it had been; until now, the lip had hurt worse. Bellamy wished suddenly that he'd never told his mother, all those years ago, that he was interested in the guard. He sighed. "I hope you weren't expecting me to be _good_ company," he joked ruefully.

Jackson huffed a laugh, then drew his hand away to look at his watch. "It's fine," he said. "I should probably get back anyway." He sighed and gave Bellamy a look that seemed genuinely disappointed.

"Oh," Bellamy said, dropping his gaze. Then he looked back up and ventured a crooked smile. "Yeah, it's... You probably have patients waiting. Um. I live over on Factory, but I spend a lot of time on Alpha with training. If you ever need a chess partner."

Jackson smiled back at him. "I know where you live," he teased. "I'll find you if I manage some free time."

Remembering Heron's presence on the other side of the mess hall, Bell stood up; if he walked out with someone, hopefully Heron would decide not to follow. "Good. I'll have to start brushing up on tactics."

Jackson chuckled, heading out of the mess and dropping their dirty dishes off where they were supposed to. Once they were in the hall, Jackson turned to face Bellamy. "Thanks," he said. "I would have wound up eating at my desk otherwise."

Bellamy lifted a shoulder in a shrug, pleased, but not sure what to say. "Thanks for listening," he said after a moment. "And for--you know." He gestured at his face. He held Jackson's gaze for a moment, then nodded and turned to go. "See you."

Jackson smiled. "Ice your eye," he said, "ASAP." He touched Bellamy's shoulder briefly, then walked away.

 

***

 

When Jackson got back to medical, he was feeling uneasy. When had he started letting himself fall for a _patient_? It was completely unethical, he knew. And yet his chest felt tight every time Bellamy smiled at him.

It had taken several visits after Abby gave Bellamy to Jackson as a patient before Bellamy did more than grunt replies at him and scowl. Now he was smiling occasionally.

Jackson glanced at Abby as he walked inside, remembering how she hadn't even let him finish asking if he could take a break earlier before she shooed him to go eat with Bellamy.

He settled his hip against her desk and looked down her, wondering if he should even broach the subject of Bellamy. "Did I miss anything?"

"Everything's in order here. You didn't need to rush back," she said, not looking up from her work. She sounded amused.

"I didn't," he lied. He'd grown so used to touching people in his job, that he hadn't even noticed touching Bellamy's arm. When he realized he was doing it, he had no idea how long he'd been doing it for, so he drew away and made an excuse to leave.

Jackson sighed and pulled a chair over next to her, but facing the opposite way so that he didn't accidentally read any private patient records he shouldn't.

"He plays chess," he said, not knowing why he said it, except that Abby would understand. When Jackson's mother had been alive, there had a near-constant game going. When she died, Jackson cried on Abby's shoulder, then poured himself into his training and didn't touch the game again for a year and a half.

"Ohh." Abby breathed the word, turning away from her paperwork to look at him. She studied his face, her expression more serious than it had been, but warm. "Somehow I wouldn't have expected that," she admitted.

Jackson shrugged. "I told him I'd play with him sometime," he said, looking away from her and frowning across the room at some equipment he knew he should probably be sterilizing right now instead of having this conversation. "I don't think I'm going to, though."

"Why not? He seems like he could use someone to talk to." Abby's voice was nonjudgmental.

"Yeah," Jackson said, then he drew a deep breath and finished his thought, "and if all I wanted to do was talk, that would be fine."

He was surprised to see Abby's lips curve in amusement. "You think that's all _he_ wants?" she murmured.

Jackson narrowed his eyes in thought. Was Abby implying she thought Bellamy _also_ wanted more?

After a moment, he frowned. "Does it matter?" he asked. "In case you forgot, we're not supposed to kiss our patients. It's a serious violation of the doctor-patient relationship."

She leaned back in her chair, studying him. She was still smiling. "I could take over the next time he ends up in here after losing his temper." Then the glimmer of amusement faded a little. "Then again, I shouldn't encourage you. His temper concerns me."

Jackson held her gaze. He wasn't certain it would be violating Bellamy's medical privacy to tell her he wasn't picking fights, but was actually being bullied, something Jackson had realized months ago. But even if that wasn't a violation of his medical privacy, Jackson was pretty sure Bellamy wouldn't want Abby to know it. "It doesn't concern _me_."

Abby's eyebrows rose, but she nodded. "I trust your judgment. And as for the doctor-patient relationship..." She shook her head. "Well, for one thing, you have to meet a guy somehow, and since I never let you have any time off, how else are you supposed to meet someone?"

Jackson huffed a breath. "You know as well as I do that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had time off." He gave her a small smile. "I feel like I should give him back to you, but I recall him not being… particularly responsive to you, and you have too much on your plate already."

Abby shook her head, her gaze compassionate but serious. "And when he asked for you, and I have to tell him you'd transferred him out of your care? How do you think he'd take that?"

Jackson's lips twisted. "I would guess not well." He ran a hand over his face. "What if… what if he only thinks he likes me because he thinks of me as someone who can't tell his secrets?"

"You're only asking that because you don't see the way you he looks at you," Abby said. "But that's just a chance you'll have to decide if you're willing to take or not." She gave him a smile that looked a little sad. "I know you, Jackson. You're not going to take advantage of your position as his doctor. If I thought you were that type of person, I wouldn't have apprenticed you." She put a hand on his arm. "He's maybe two years younger than you? And you deserve happiness. You just have to decide if you're willing to take a chance."

He held her gaze for a long moment, deciding not to point out she was a little off on their age difference, then gave her a small smile. If there was anyone Jackson could trust, it was Abby. He nodded. "Thanks, Abby."

She smiled back at him. "You're welcome." She took her hand from his arm and started to turn away, then paused. "Don't let life slip past you while you're focused on your work, Jackson. We only have so much time in our lives. Be happy."

Then she turned back to her paperwork.

Jackson watched her for a moment, then got up to sterilize the equipment he'd been eying before. They had a couple more patients that day, but nothing too difficult. Jackson spent a lot of time doing busy work, thinking about Bellamy.

When the end of the day rolled around, Jackson had finally worked up the nerve to go to Bellamy's home and invite him to play chess that evening, but then someone was rushed in with a massive heart attack, and he and Abby had spent hours trying to save him.

The patient lived, but by the time Jackson was clean of blood and ready to leave, it was far too late to knock on Bellamy's door.

Jackson went back to his lonely quarters, reset the chess pieces for a new game, and then passed out in bed.

 

The next day was more of the same, except the end of the day went more smoothly. Jackson refreshed his memory of exactly where Bell lived by looking at his patient records, then headed to Factory Station.

By the time he arrived, he was a bundle of nerves, but he forced himself to knock anyway.

He thought he heard shuffling, but then it took so long for anyone to come to the door that Jackson thought he must have imagined it and started to leave.

The door opened wide enough for a dark-haired woman to look out at him. "Yes?" Then her expression shifted. "I recognize you--from Medical, right?"

Then behind her, he heard Bellamy's voice. "Mom, open the door."

The woman glanced over her shoulder, then stepped aside. The door opened wider, and finally he saw Bellamy, who looked equal parts sheepish and pleased. "Mom, Jackson's a friend. Sorry I forgot to tell you he'd be stopping by." Bellamy darted a glance at Jackson that clearly said, _Please play along_.

Jackson wasn't sure what he was supposed to be playing along with, but he glanced between Bell and his mom, then smiled warmly at her. "I'm sorry to come by unannounced, Mrs. Blake, but I don't always keep the most regular hours."

"Listen, I'll be back later, okay?" Bellamy said. He leaned in and kissed his mom's forehead.

She was still frowning at Bellamy, but after a moment she sighed. "Don't be out too late. If you put another toe out of line--"

"I know, Mom." Bellamy gave his mother a reassuring smile. "See you later."

Bellamy didn't look at Jackson as he slipped past him into the hall. The door shut firmly behind him.

Jackson blinked at the door. He'd made an attempt at charm, and Aurora had barely even looked at him. "Uh," he said, turning around to look at Bellamy. "That smile usually works."

Bellamy looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I should have told you my mother's not big on surprise visitors. I didn't even think." He rubbed the back of his neck and shot a rueful look at Jackson. "Hi."

"Hi," Jackson said, smiling faintly and hoping it would help Bellamy relax. "How's your lip?" he asked.

Bellamy gave him a crooked smile. "Healing all right. Black eye's a lot prettier, isn't it?" he added, gesturing. "How are you?"

Jackson swallowed that Bellamy was pretty with or without the black eye. "Okay. A little tired. Uh, I was hoping you'd take me up on that chess game we talked about. I planned to come by last night, but we had an emergency in medical."

"Hey, yeah," Bellamy said, brightening. "Um. I couldn't find all my pieces, though. I swear I had a whole set, but half the white pawns are missing."

Jackson smiled. "I reset my board last night just before passing out," he said. He inclined his head for Bellamy to follow, then started leading the way to his quarters.

Bellamy didn't say much as they made their way to Jackson's place, but he looked more relaxed than Jackson was used to seeing him, and the further they got from Bellamy's quarters, the more relaxed he got.

When they finally got to Jackson's rooms, he was slightly embarrassed to find he'd left the door unlocked. Again. It was beginning to become a bad habit.

He pushed open the door, and stepped aside to let Bellamy in, watching as he looked around. It wasn't much to look at, really. Just a single bed, a table (with the waiting chess board on top) and a couple chairs, some books on a shelf, and a bathroom tucked off to one side.

"It's not much, but it's just me most of the time," he said.

Bellamy had an appreciative look on his face. "It's great," he said, shaking his head. "I wish my mom wasn't so dead set against me trying to get my own quarters. I know it's a lottery, but..." He shrugged. "Anyway, I like your place."

"Thanks," Jackson said. He couldn't help smiling. "My dad died when I was twelve, and my mom a few years ago. I didn't so much _move out_ as I just found myself on my own. They moved me here to a single unit to let a family have the larger space me and my mom and dad had," he said, casually, hoping Bellamy wasn't going to get weird. Sometimes the 'my family is dead' thing made people awkward.

Bellamy's gaze was steady on his face, but he just looked thoughtful. After a moment he gave a tiny nod. "You saying I should be grateful I'm stuck there?" he said, giving Jackson a faint smile.

Jackson felt his lips pull into a slightly stupid smile. "Well, you know…" He shrugged.

"All right." Bellamy still looked thoughtful. "I don't remember my dad. It's always been just me and Mom." He wandered over to the bookshelf, glancing at the titles.

Jackson stayed where he was and watched Bellamy. The view from behind was just as nice as the one from the front. "How was that?" he asked.

Bellamy huffed a laugh. "Well, you want to know why I'm a history nerd, she's why. She used to read Greek mythology and history to me when I was a kid. The Iliad, The Odyssey, Ajax, that kind of thing." He glanced over his shoulder at Jackson. "These aren't all medical texts."

Jackson laughed faintly, and walked over to the bookshelves. "I didn't say I never read anything for fun. I'm just not currently." He stood at Bellamy's shoulder and pointed out how it was organized. "Fiction, non-fiction, philosophy, and a few of my mom's languages texts."

"Philosophy?" Bellamy glanced back at him without pulling away. "No wonder you're so calm."

Jackson chuckled. "I got really into it for a while," he said. "I'm not entirely sure I ever understood it, but it was interesting."

"I dipped into it exactly once," Bellamy said. "Working my way through some of the classics, I found _The Consolation of Philosophy_ by Boethius. Wasn't much to my taste, but there was this one line I liked: No man can ever truly be secure until he has been forsaken by Fortune." He'd been looking at Jackson as he said it, but a moment later he shrugged and looked back at the books. He picked out a book from the fiction section. "What's this one about?"

Jackson felt his face go hot when he realized Bellamy had just pulled out _Leaves of Grass_. He cleared his throat. "Uh, there's some poetry mixed in with the fiction. It's a collections of poems. It's sort of a… celebration of humanity and the human body."

His face grew hotter as Bellamy flipped the book open and leafed through the pages. "I know this one," Bellamy said. "'O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done.' I was reading about the American Civil War--the one in the 1800s sometime. This was about the president."

He flipped through a few more pages and then took a soft breath. Jackson could just see the words over Bellamy's shoulder-- _And parted the shirt from my bosom-bone, and plunged your tongue to my bare-stript heart_ \-- and then Bellamy flipped the page again. "I don't recognize these others," Bellamy said thoughtfully, leaning closer to the bookshelf to slide the book carefully back into place.

Jackson drew a shaky breath. Bellamy didn't seem awkward about it, at least. "You could borrow it, if you want. I mean, if you like poetry." Oh, God, this particular flirt would go down in history as one of his worst. _Here, Bellamy, read some sexy poetry and let me know what you think._

He suddenly realized he was way too close to Bellamy and stepped back. "I think there's at least one more in there about Lincoln's assassination."

"You don't mind?" Bellamy hadn't taken his hand off the book, and he drew it back out. "I haven't read enough poetry to know if I like it. Uh, I like Catullus, but he was a little earlier." He gave Jackson another one of those crooked little smiles that was obviously an attempt to keep from re-opening the cut in his lip.

"I like some poetry," Jackson replied. "I think that one's my favorite. My, uh, my first boyfriend gave it to me as a gift years ago. The relationship didn't last long, but I got Whitman out of it, so…" He shrugged and stepped away again, watching Bellamy's face to see if the news that Jackson was gay got any reaction.

Bellamy's gaze flicked up from the book to Jackson's face for a moment, then Bellamy looked back down, his smile strengthening a little. At least, Jackson thought it did. "I'll let you know what I think of it when I'm done," Bellamy said, looking back up at Jackson again.

That seemed hopeful. Jackson smiled at Bell, then gestured at the table. "You still wanna play?"

"Yeah," Bellamy said, sliding into a chair and setting the book next to him. "White or black?"

Bellamy had slid into the chair on the black side, so Jackson sat down opposite him. "White, I guess. Unless you prefer to go first." He touched the corner of the board, ready to spin it around if Bellamy did.

Bellamy shook his head. "Go ahead."

Jackson moved his first pawn, then sat back and watched Bellamy confidently make his move. They took a couple more moves this way before the pauses between moves started to draw out longer.

It was Bellamy's turn, and with his focus on the pieces, Jackson was able to study his face. Instead of looking angry, as they so often did when Bellamy showed up in medical, Bellamy's eyes were soft and thoughtful. Jackson got distracted by his eyelashes for a minute, and then Bellamy moved.

Jackson looked back at the board before Bellamy looked back up, but he couldn't help grinning as he tried to remember where they were in the game.

"Shit, that was a bad move, wasn't it?" Bellamy muttered, bending back over the board. "What did I do wrong?" Then he looked back up, his eyes narrowing. "I don't see anything."

Bellamy clearly misunderstood Jackson's smile. "There isn't anything to see. That move was fine," he said, still scanning the board for his next move.

"Huh." Bellamy didn't sound convinced. He leaned closer, his gaze on Jackson's face now instead of the board.

Jackson looked up at him, trying to fight his grin and failing. He held Bellamy's gaze for a moment, then looked back down again. "I can't think with you staring so loudly. That's cheating."

Bellamy laughed and sat back in his chair. "I've just never seen you look this relaxed."

Jackson huffed. "I could say the same about you," he said.

Bellamy ducked his head, but Jackson could see he was still smiling. "Yeah, well. This is nice."

"It is," Jackson agreed. His original strategy finally came back to him, and it looked like Bellamy had played into it. Jackson's lips twisted and he made his next move. "Nice not to play alone."

Bellamy leaned over the board again. "Yeah, don't do that anymore. I'm free most evenings," he said absently. His concentration was clearly on the game again. He reached out, his hand hovering over the board as his eyes darted across it, and then he moved his knight. "Check."

Shit. Jackson stared at the board. How did he not see that coming? "Sneaky," he said, looking for a way to get his king out of check.

That was when he noticed the position of his remaining rook. "Not sneaky enough." He slid his rook over and captured Bellamy's checking knight.

"Crap," Bellamy said, but he didn't really look unhappy. "Didn't see that." He chewed his lower lip for a minute while he studied the board and then moved again.

Jackson tried not to imagine _himself_ nibbling that lip, and stared at the board. Then he remembered what Bellamy had said right before his check distracted him. He'd said he was free to do this most evenings. 

Jackson couldn't help but grin as he made his next move, though the number of pieces left on the board was shrinking, and he was starting to think he hadn't thought far enough ahead.

Bellamy lifted his hand, then drew back. He was frowning now, but it was obviously concentration instead of unhappiness. He sighed and placed a finger on his last bishop, shifted, and then slid the bishop to take one of Jackson's pawns. "Check," he said again, but his tone was uncertain. He licked his lips thoughtfully and sat back.

Jackson looked at the board and saw where Bellamy had placed himself. It was a bad move. But… it had been his only move, Jackson realized.

Jackson captured Bellamy's bishop, then looked at the board.

Stalemate.

He sighed and sat back, waiting for Bellamy to realize he couldn't move.

Bellamy had his lower lip between his teeth again, but his hands stayed clasped in front of him. His gaze roamed the board one more time, then he looked up at Jackson. A slow smile spread across his face. "That was a good match," he said softly. Then obviously his lip hurt, because he lifted his hand to press the back of it against his lip.

"It was," Jackson said, smiling back. "Do you want some ice or something? Might feel better."

"Doctor's orders?" Bellamy teased. "Sure."

Jackson stood and went to his small fridge, fishing ice out of the mini-freezer. He bagged a few cubes, then covered the bag with a cloth. "If you want anything to drink, I'm afraid all I have is water. I… probably should have offered sooner. Not used to guests." He walked over and held the bag of ice out for Bellamy.

"S'fine," Bellamy said, his fingers cupping Jackson's ever-so-briefly as he took the bag of ice. "Water's good." He pressed the ice to his lip, his gaze still on Jackson's face.

Jackson nodded and got them both water. He settled back at the table, pushing one bottle in front if Bellamy. Suddenly, he wasn't sure what to say. He kinda wanted to ask Bellamy if he had a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. But that seemed a little too obvious. He settled on, "Wanna play again?"

That made Bellamy laugh. "I'm not sure I have the concentration for another game tonight," he said, his voice a little muffled by the ice. He lowered it briefly. "I was expecting you to hand my ass to me, so I'm good with leaving it at a stalemate this time." He pressed the ice back to his face, but his gaze on Jackson was amused, and warmer than he'd ever seen Bellamy's eyes.

It almost made Jackson's chest ache. How had he managed to earn that look from someone like Bellamy? "You have really nice eyes, you know," he said, feeling his heart start to race. "When you're not staring daggers at people."

Bellamy's nice eyes widened briefly, then crinkled at the corners as he smiled and ducked his head. "I didn't mean to glare at _you_ ," he murmured, shifting the ice a little. "You've never been anything but kind to me."

Oh, that was a nice reaction. Bellamy obviously knew Jackson liked guys now, and his reaction to Jackson complimenting him seemed to be flattered, and almost shy. Jackson leaned forward a little. "I wouldn't be a very good doctor if I wasn't kind," he said.

"Oh, 'doctor'," Bellamy said dismissively. He lowered the ice, his gaze appraising on Jackson's face. "You're a kind _man_. That's different."

Jackson smiled faintly, then shrugged. "I like to leave people better than they were when I found them. Sometimes all that takes is a smile or a touch."

Bellamy's smile faltered. "And sometimes it takes a chess match?" he said softly. The openness of his gaze had faded. "Am I a _project_ , Jackson?"

Jackson blinked at him for a moment. Well, that hadn't gone like he'd expected. "Of course not," he said. There was a sinking feeling in his stomach now. "That's not what I meant."

Bellamy watched him, his brows drawn together, for several heartbeats. When he looked down again, Jackson could almost see him rebuilding defenses that hadn't been there a moment before. "What did you mean, then?" Bellamy muttered.

God, they'd made so much progress so fast, and Jackson might have just dashed it by saying the wrong thing. And the problem was, he wasn't sure what to say to fix it, because even if he hadn't meant it how Bellamy had taken it, he had meant it. "It's… I guess, it's sort of who I am. It's… how I live my life. It's not about picking 'projects'." He slid his hand across the table, then realized Bellamy might not want to be touched right now, so he stopped halfway. "You… I wanted to get to know you."

Jackson held his breath as Bellamy's gaze dropped to his outstretched hand. There were several moments of silence, and then he heard Bellamy exhale. When Jackson looked up again, the wariness in Bellamy's gaze was mixed with embarrassment. After a couple of heartbeats, Bellamy looked down again and reached out to touch Jackson's wrist with his fingers.

"I...wanted to get to know you, too," he said, his voice low.

Jackson expelled a gusty breath, looking at Bellamy's fingers on him. Part of him wanted to turn his hand to hold Bellamy's. Part of him was too afraid to move. He hadn't realized just how skittish Bellamy was. He was used to the anger, but apparently that wall around Bellamy could surge up pretty quickly.

Jackson huffed another breath. "If you were a project, do you think I'd be loaning you my books and calling you handsome?" he said, and then immediately froze, because that wasn't what he'd actually said, was it?

Fuck.

He felt Bellamy freeze, too, but Bellamy's fingers stayed where they were. After a couple of seconds, he heard Bellamy draw in a long breath. "I don't remember that word being part of the conversation." Bellamy's voice was low. His fingers were still on Jackson's wrist, pressing a little harder than they had been.

Jackson drew a slow breath. "It wasn't. It was in my head, though. I, uh… should I be hating myself for letting it out?" He finally looked back at Bellamy, who was staring at him. His gaze was still wary, but now there was some confusion mixed in. And maybe something hopeful too.

Bellamy held his gaze for a couple more heartbeats, then wet his lips. "You should never hate yourself," he said softly. Jackson felt Bellamy's fingers curl around his wrist. "You might end up hating me, though," he added in a self-deprecating tone.

"I'm not sure there's ever been anyone I've cared enough about to hate," Jackson said. "If someone's an asshole for no good reason, I just don't waste my energy."

To his surprise, Bellamy actually snorted a laugh at that. The wariness in his gaze had faded to a tired disbelief, almost like Bellamy was trying to take this on faith, but couldn't muster the energy to either trust him or run away. _God_ , what had those people done to him? "I guess we'll see," Bellamy said softly.

Jackson made a thoughtful noise, sitting back a little but leaving his hand where it was. He still itched to hold Bellamy's hand, but didn't dare. "So if I shouldn't hate myself for saying out loud that you're handsome, how should I feel? Embarrassed that I like looking at you? Ashamed? Afraid? Hopeful?"

Bellamy huffed out a soft breath. "Hope," he mused. "I don't have a lot of experience with hope. I'm not sure I trust it." His voice was so quiet Jackson had to lean in to hear him. Bellamy lifted his gaze to Jackson's. After several heartbeats, he said, "I think you're handsome, too. I've thought that for months." He held Jackson's gaze for barely another second and then dropped his gaze. Then it jerked back to Jackson's face.

It was almost as if Bellamy felt like he had to watch Jackson's face for any warning that things might go south. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Jackson wanted to go find the guard Bellamy had been eying warily in the mess the day before and punch him in his already broken-looking nose. He wouldn't. But the thought was there.

He smiled at Bellamy. "Good. Thank you," he said. Then he drew a deep breath. "Please don't shut me out. This has been one of the best nights I've had in a long time."

Bellamy sat back, his fingers curling briefly around Jackson's before he pulled away entirely. "I'll try not to," he said softly. "It's been one of my best nights, too."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter helped earn the fic its explicit rating. :)

Bellamy spent a couple of days after his chess match with Jackson alternating between hating himself for being a vulnerable idiot and wanting to find Jackson and ask if he'd imagined their conversation. The conflicting emotions kept him on top of his game during combat training, but when he got back home and his mother asked him to help Octavia with her lessons, it was less helpful.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" Octavia finally demanded on the second evening. "I've been trying to recite the American presidents to you for ten minutes and you keep not correcting me when I mess up Abraham Lincoln and Andrew Johnson."

Bellamy glared at her, but at sixteen, she didn't intimidate as easily as she used to.

"Spill," she said. "I know you're keeping something from Mom."

"God," he muttered. What _wasn't_ he keeping from their mother at this point? But he looked at Octavia and sighed. "You remember the other night, when Mom flipped out because someone showed up unplanned?"

"And you didn't come back for hours?" Octavia folded her arms across her chest. "I remember."

Bellamy scowled vaguely at her. "He said I was handsome. Jackson did."

Her eyes widened. "And you think he's handsome, right? He's the doctor."

Bellamy rolled his eyes. "Yes, he's the doctor," he agreed. It was hard to keep anything from Octavia; she was so hungry to know about the world outside, and Bellamy couldn't refuse her the way he could other people.

"So you told him he's handsome, too," she said, grinning. "And... You need help sneaking out to see him again?"

He glared at her, feeling his cheeks get hot. "This isn't fucking Romeo and Juliet, O. I could go see him if I wanted to."

She arched an eyebrow at him. "So go, already."

"I'm not--"

"You're scared."

Bellamy shoved her gently. "I'm not _scared_."

"You're scared," she repeated.

"Shut up," Bellamy snapped. "You're supposed to be saying American presidents." But he couldn't ignore the way she snickered when she got to Abraham Lincoln when she recited them in order.

After their mom got back from delivering the mending work she'd done, Bellamy said he was going out for a while, and even though their mom just shrugged and told him not to stay out too late, he could see Octavia smirking at him from behind the door.

Which was how he found himself lingering outside Medical, trying to decide whether to go in and see if Jackson was still at work, even though Bellamy hadn't sorted things out properly in his own mind.

He stood there for maybe ten minutes before he decided it was stupid and he should leave. He strode away from the door and down a mostly empty hallway in the direction of Factory Station, and then Jackson rounded the corner of the opposite end of the hallway.

He was pushing what appeared to be a pretty heavy cart of medical supplies, and looked exhausted. He didn't see Bellamy at first, but when he did, his face lit up. Well, as much as it could considering the darkened rings around his eyes. "Bellamy," he said, slowing to a stop once he got closer.

Bellamy scowled down at the cart. Dr. Griffin was working him too hard. "I'd just decided you probably weren't at work, since it's so late," he fibbed. "Let me have that." He took the cart from Jackson and started toward Medical. "Doesn't Dr. Griffin give you _any_ time to sleep?" he grumbled.

"I'm fine," Jackson said. After a moment, he let out an explosive sigh that Bellamy realized was several feet behind him now. When he glanced back over his shoulder, Jackson was standing where he'd left him, hands outstretched at his sides, looking a little like he didn't understand the concept of someone else doing the heavy lifting for him. "I had that," he said, but then sighed again and dropped his hands. After a moment, he started walking to catch up.

"You look exhausted," Bellamy said. He waited until Jackson had caught up with him before he started walking again. He looked down at the cart for a moment, then said, "I haven't finished your book yet. Reading poetry is different than history."

That felt like a stupid thing to say, but it had the virtue of being true, and something he was one hundred percent certain of.

"Yeah," Jackson said. "History's a lot drier." After a moment, he snorted. "Says the man who likes reading the DSM."

Octavia had been right, Bellamy realized. He _was_ scared. He'd never told her about the hard parts of life on the Ark. He'd always thought she didn't need to know, since she couldn't see it for herself. In fact, Bellamy had never talked to anyone about the hard parts of life.

Except Jackson. Who somehow saw through him.

If Bellamy were smart, he'd be running in the other direction. But some part of him _wanted_ to be seen.

It was terrifying.

"I like it," he offered after a moment. "It's just... I have to--well, not _think_ about it more than history." He darted a sideways glance at Jackson's face, admiring the doctor's easy courage. Then he looked forward again. " _Feel_ more, I guess," he breathed finally.

Jackson tilted his head, considering Bellamy's words. "I think that's why I like it. I spend a lot of time being who I need to be and not letting go. I like how Whitman helps me let go."

Bellamy gave him a disbelieving look. "Why would you _want_ to feel more?" he blurted. "God. That's terrifying." Then he felt a wash of embarrassment that he'd admitted that.

Jackson gaze on him was kind. "I want to feel more _good_ things," he said. "And you can't feel the good without the bad. One informs the other." He sighed and rubbed his face. "I am tired. I sound like I'm trying to start a cult."

Bellamy couldn't help but laugh. "I'm tempted to go in there and tell Dr. Griffin you need to sleep," he said, stopping the cart as he reached the door to Medical. "You don't really sound like you're starting a cult. But you do sound tired."

Jackson gave him a crooked, warm smile. "I've gotta put all this up, and Abby seems overwhelmed. I can sleep when I'm dead." His smile pulled into a faint grin.

That made Bellamy frown at him. "I'm told that sleep-deprived guards make mistakes," he said. "Pretty sure doctors aren't any different from guards in that respect."

Jackson's smile faded. "I'm needed here," he said. "What are you going to do, bark orders at Abby, then put me to bed yourself?"

Bellamy sighed. He'd been trying to...well, he wasn't sure what he'd been trying to do. "I wouldn't dare bark orders at Dr. Griffin," he said, and pushed the cart into Medical himself. He'd intended to let Jackson have it back, but if Jackson was going to be stubborn...well, if Jackson was going to be stubborn, Bellamy would have to be stubborn back at him. Because someone _should_ put Jackson to bed. And Dr. Griffin ought to know better. "But I might make a suggestion in her general direction," he added over his shoulder.

He heard Jackson sigh behind him, and then follow him in. "Over there," he said, pointing toward the corner of the room where the cart needed to go. "I have a babysitter, Abby," he said, then started unloading the cart as Bellamy pushed it.

"Do you?" Abby said, looking over her shoulder. "Ah. Good evening, Cadet Blake. Here to make Jackson finally leave?" her tone was arch, but not unfriendly.

Bellamy tried to suppress a grin as he pushed the cart over to where Jackson had indicated. He wasn't quite sure he'd succeeded. "I'm not sure that's my place, ma'am."

Jackson sighed heavily. "Abby, just let me finish this."

Bellamy watched in fascination as Abby glanced at Bellamy and nodded slightly. Then she walked over to Jackson. " _If_ you promise that as soon as you are finished, you will let Cadet Blake walk you home, then I will let you finish it," she said. She darted another glance at Bellamy. "Assuming you have no pressing duties, Cadet," she added.

Bellamy straightened. "No, ma'am," he said equably. "I'm at liberty for the evening, and just wanted to stop by to see Jackson."

Jackson glanced between them, then said, "Fine." He looked a little defeated, but he started unloading the cart as Abby walked away.

After a couple of minutes, Jackson pointed to the medium sized boxes nearest Bellamy, then pointed to a cabinet behind his head. "These go in there," he said. Bellamy inspected the box, making no sense of the labeling, but found other boxes that matched in the cabinet Jackson had pointed to. He started stacking.

Bellamy was good at following orders. He had a feeling he finished unloading the cart before Jackson was really ready to leave Medical. Bellamy glanced at Dr. Griffin's back, bent over her desk, but he didn't have the guts to say anything to her, so he headed over to look questioningly at Jackson.

Jackson looked at him tiredly, then watched Abby for a long moment. Finally, he sighed and nodded at Bellamy before heading reluctantly to the door. "You know where I am, Abby," he called.

"Hopefully going to bed," she called back. "Don't let me see you before noon."

Bellamy blinked at her back, wondering if she thought he and Jackson were already...well, if they were... Frowning thoughtfully, he led the way out of Medical and towards Jackson's quarters, uncomfortably aware that his face was hot. He wondered if he'd been too obvious somehow, or if he was reading too much into all of it and Dr. Griffin just thought they were friends.

When they got to Jackson's quarters, Jackson opened the door without unlocking it. This was the second time he'd been to Jackson's rooms, and the second time Jackson had left his door unlocked. Bellamy couldn't imagine being so relaxed in his home that the door would be left unlocked.

Jackson looked over at Bell. "I don't suppose you actually want to put me to bed, do you?" he said, smiling faintly, then sobered a little. "I mean, not like… I'm not expecting anything."

Bellamy snorted, torn between being amused and wanting to run. Part of him still didn't trust this...whatever it was. It wasn't that he didn't trust _Jackson_ , because--to his surprise--he did. It was more that he didn't trust the general concept of happiness. "I didn't think you were," he said. "But I might come in just to make sure you actually go to bed."

Then he wondered if he were being too presumptuous. He'd avoided Jackson since their chess match, and then he showed up telling him he needed more sleep and collaborating with Dr. Griffin to make him leave Medical.

Then again...it had been Jackson who suggested--albeit sarcastically--that Bellamy put him to bed himself. Maybe it would be easier to be open with someone in a dark room.

Jackson nodded, then went inside, pulling the door shut behind Bellamy after he came in (and not locking it, Bellamy noticed). He started toeing off his shoes as soon as the door was closed, then he grabbed a bottle of water from his fridge. "Do you want anything?" he said.

"I'm fine," Bellamy said, watching him.

"Well, you know where it's at, if you change your mind." Jackson put a bottle of water on his bedside table, then tugged his lab coat off and hung it on a hook near his bed. He seemed to hesitate then, and looked up at Bellamy. "I sleep in my boxers. I'm pretty okay with you seeing that, but if you don't want to, you can look away and I'll let you know when I'm under the covers."

He only gave Bellamy about three seconds to decide before he started tugging his scrubs top off.

Bellamy's heart started pounding. 'Pretty okay' sounded like a half-hearted invitation, but he couldn't deny he wanted to look. He watched Jackson get his shirt off and couldn't ignore the rush of attraction that went through him at the sight of Jackson's lean, muscled chest. Then he realized he was staring and decided to get a bottle of water from the fridge after all.

"How is this so easy for you?" he asked over his shoulder. He thought of the way Jackson's whole face had brightened when he saw Bellamy. "Are you just...not afraid of getting hurt?" He took a long drink before turning back to face Jackson.

"I have been," Jackson said thoughtfully. He was folding his scrubs neatly and putting them in a small drawer. "I am. I'm choosing hope, though." He climbed into his bed and tugged the covers up to around his ribs, leaving his chest exposed, then closed his eyes. "Abby… she's let me hide behind work for years. I don't know why, but recently she's been pushing me to pursue… other things. And I trust her."

Bellamy nodded slowly. He glanced around the room for the light switch, memorizing his path back to Jackson's bed. God, he hoped he had the courage to stay for a while. He flipped the lights out and shuffled back to sit gingerly on the foot of the bed. "I shouldn't keep you awake, since Doctor Griffin kind of gave me orders to make you go to bed." He took a breath, grateful for the darkness. "Does she...um. She seemed to take it for granted that I had the right to walk you home."

Jackson sighed. "I talked to her the other day about transferring you into her care instead of mine. It's not exactly ethical for me to look at my patients the way I look at you."

Bellamy snorted, though he felt a pleased warmth in his chest at those words. "I don't mind you looking, so why should it matter?"

"Because…" Jackson drew a sleepy breath. "There are certain lines a doctor shouldn't cross with his patient. Because I could accidentally manipulate you, or your attraction to me could be misguided."

That made Bellamy laugh aloud. "Trust me, I don't have a thing for doctors in general," he said. "And I'm pretty sure I know manipulation when I see it. You're not that guy." He took a slow breath, wondering if Jackson were having second thoughts about this. Then again, Doctor Griffin hadn't seemed to disapprove when she saw Bellamy earlier. "I...I trust you," he said softly. "Because you earned it. Not because you're a doctor."

Jackson shifted in bed, and through the darkness, Bellamy could see him lift his head to look at Bell. "You sure I earned it on my own?" he said. "Not because I already felt safe to confide in _because_ I was your doctor first?"

Bellamy hummed thoughtfully. "You never saw me talking to Doctor Griffin, did you?" he said. "The only way your being a doctor comes into it is because I might not have met you otherwise." He frowned at that thought. Looked at in that light, maybe all of this had been worth it, since it had let him meet Jackson. He shifted a little so he was facing Jackson, and hesitantly lifted a hand to rest on Jackson's shin under the covers. "I'm glad I met you," he whispered.

Jackson shifted onto his back and dropped his head back down to his pillow. "Me too," he murmured, sounding pleased. "I doesn't matter now anyway. I've already crossed too many lines to turn back. I just undressed in front of you." He yawned.

"Doctor Griffin didn't seem to disapprove," Bellamy said. He smiled faintly, feeling the scab on his lip pull a little without actually hurting. "She trusted me to make you rest. I should probably go." He didn't move, though. He didn't _want_ to go. There was something comforting in this. When Octavia was younger, Bellamy had sat with her until she fell asleep sometimes. It made him feel less alone.

Jackson sighed and draped his arm over his face. "If you want to, you can," he murmured. "But you don't have to."

Bellamy wondered if he would ever get used to how easy it seemed for Jackson to be vulnerable. Bell exhaled slowly and stayed where he was.

Jackson was silent for a minute or so, then he murmured, "Thank you."

"For what?" Bell said softly.

"Staying," Jackson breathed.

Bellamy hummed and settled in a little more comfortably. "You're welcome."

Jackson made a sleepy noise, then fell silent. After a few minutes, his breathing started to deepen and slow down. Bellamy was beginning to think he was out, but then Jackson spoke again. "Hope you 'preciate the lev'l of restraint m'showing." He didn't sound quite awake anymore.

Bellamy huffed a laugh and closed his eyes, listening to Jackson's breathing slow further. At some point he realized he'd unconsciously matched his own breathing to Jackson's. He smiled faintly and wondered what this ridiculous feeling was. Contentment? It felt good.

When he was certain Jackson was asleep, Bellamy stood and picked his way carefully to the door. He paused for a moment there, his smile strengthening. This almost didn't feel real. With a last glance over his shoulder, he let himself out, locking the door behind him.

 

***

 

Jackson woke up with an erection that demanded attention, and in a sleepy fog considered finding someone good looking to fuck today before he remembered Bellamy. He'd gotten used to casual sex. Casual sex was easy and didn't take time from his job. 

Bellamy was messy and difficult and time-consuming. But Jackson was finding that strangely thrilling for the first time in a long time. Since he'd let his job become his identity and slowly erode the last real romantic relationship he'd had in years.

Jackson glanced around the room to make sure Bellamy hadn't stayed the night, then stroked himself. He thought about the last time he had sex, but he replaced the handsome stranger from that night with Bellamy in his mind. It wasn't long before he was panting and sweaty, but sated.

He showered quickly and dressed, then headed for the door… which didn't open when he tried the handle. 

He blinked at it for a moment, and then it dawned on him that Bellamy had locked him in. He couldn't suppress the grin that spread across his face. He knew he was bad about taking care of himself, but _Bellamy_ clearly wanted him safe.

Jackson unlocked the door and let himself out, then headed to the mess to grab coffee and food to eat at his desk.

Abby got behind him in line, and instead of letting him leave, she steered him to a table. "You look more rested," she said casually.

Jackson smiled faintly as he sat across from her. "I got a solid…" He glanced at his watch and felt his eyes widen. "Oh my God, _ten hours_ of sleep."

Abby laughed. "My opinion of Bellamy Blake just rose several points," she said, her voice soft. "He lurked outside Medical for ten minutes last night before you showed up, by the way."

Jackson felt his smile strengthen and his cheeks grow warmer. "Really?" he said, then shook his head and looked at his plate. Of course, really. "He's, ah… not like I expected, but I'm enjoying his company."

"What were you expecting?" she asked. She was focusing on her breakfast, but he could tell from her posture that she was genuinely interested.

_That someone with his anger might be quicker to try to rip my clothes off and fuck me raw as soon as I made it clear I was attracted to him_ , Jackson thought, but obviously couldn't say. "More confidence," he settled on instead.

"Hmm." She glanced up at him. "Sometimes a person who carries around as much anger as I've seen in Bellamy is trying to mask some perceived deficiency in himself." Her gaze was thoughtful. "Not that that's my professional opinion, of course," she added with a touch of humor. "I think last night I got more words out of him than I did in several months of treating him for various brawling injuries."

Jackson took a bite of his food and tried to remember what had been said the night before. After a moment, he sighed. He'd been more tired than he'd realized at the time. "I really just remember him calling you 'ma'am' repeatedly." He tried for a moment to remember when he'd stopped calling Abby 'Doctor Griffin', but couldn't. "Can't say he doesn't have manners. Even if he occasionally forgets them under duress."

Abby laughed. "I suppose so." She looked past Jackson, then, her expression shifting a little. "Speak of the devil," she murmured. "Someone's looking sharp with his cadet unit."

Jackson looked up casually in time to see Bellamy come in with a group of cadets. Bellamy wasn't laughing with the others, but he didn't actually look unhappy. His gaze swept the mess hall in what looked like an instinctive habit, then he saw Jackson and smiled.

Jackson smiled back automatically. God, he was handsome. Jackson liked the way he looked in that uniform too.

Jackson was tempted to walk over and say hi, but Bellamy might not want to be bothered while he was with his co-workers. Or maybe he'd be embarrassed if Jackson was accidentally too affectionate. So Jackson just lifted his hand in a small wave.

Bellamy's smile widened, but then one of his fellow cadets said something to him. Bellamy ducked his head, laughing, and then the other two glanced over at Jackson.

"So he _can_ smile," Abby murmured.

Jackson looked back at the two young men who were looking at him, wondering what they'd just said to Bellamy, then gave them a small nod and turned back around to face Abby. "He's more than capable."

Abby was smirking at him.

"What?" Jackson said, giving her a look that was playfully annoyed.

"Nothing," she said innocently. "It's sweet. Are you blushing?"

"No," Jackson said, though he hadn't noticed until just then how warm his cheeks were. "I don't blush." He ducked his head to look at his plate and took another bite.

"Mmm, well, you have approximately five seconds before your cadet catches you blushing," Abby said. She stood. "Take your time eating, Jackson." And then she left. Behind him, he heard her say, "Good morning, Cadet Blake. Well done."

And to his surprise, Bellamy laughed. "Thank you, Doctor Griffin." Then Bellamy was sliding into the chair across from his, a cup of coffee in hand.

Jackson's face still felt warm, but he smiled at Bellamy anyway. "Busy morning?" he asked.

"Not yet," Bellamy said. He looked warmly at Jackson, but there was something hesitant in his expression. "Gillmer and Barton asked why I was in a good mood this morning. Since I was looking at you when they asked, they kind of put two and two together." He sipped his coffee. "Hope you don't mind."

Jackson's brows rose. What exactly did that mean? Had Bellamy told his friends they'd been flirting? Or implied they were a couple? Or even let it be assumed that Bellamy was in a good mood because he'd gotten laid the night before? "Why would I mind?" he asked, hoping Bellamy's response would shed some light on what exactly the other cadets had 'put together'.

"Well, you were all worried last night about doctor ethics and restraint, and I'm pretty sure Gillmer and Barton don't give a shit about ethics and don't think we've exercised any restraint." Bellamy gave Jackson a look that was almost a smirk.

Oh, now Jackson _was_ blushing. He huffed a breath, staring at Bellamy. "Wow."

Bellamy snorted a laugh, glancing down at the table. "I just said I finally found a good chess partner, but I'm pretty sure they saw through that." He looked up at Jackson. "So. You know." He shrugged a shoulder and sipped his coffee again.

Jackson kept staring at him for a moment, then dropped his gaze to his plate, not sure how he felt. Bellamy was letting his friends think he was getting laid, making himself look cool within what was probably a very alpha male culture of the guard, while not _actually_ showing Jackson much physical affection at all. It was weird. "I hope, eventually, you'll be able to follow through with at least some of what they assume has already happened," he said, sipping his own coffee.

Bellamy's brows drew together and he sighed. After a moment he leaned forward and very deliberately set his coffee cup down to put his hand on Jackson's. "Okay, that didn't come across the way I meant it to," he muttered. "They asked what had me in a good mood, saw I was looking at you, and obviously thought we're sleeping together. I said we weren't, but...that I liked you. It's not--I was just..." He sat back again. "I was just trying to say you made me happy today, that's all."

Jackson felt himself start to relax as Bellamy spoke. Maybe he'd overreacted, Jackson though. He gave Bellamy a small smile, very aware that Bell's hand was still covering his. "I'm glad," he said. "I was pretty happy when I woke up this morning." He lifted a finger under Bell's hand, pressing the back of it to Bellamy's palm.

Bellamy smiled back at him. "Good." He huffed a breath. "It's probably pretty obvious it's been a long time since I...y'know...spent time with someone I really liked. I'm probably bad at this." He jerked his gaze up, then pulled away. "Hey, sorry, I need to go," he said. There was a tension in his frame that hadn't been there a moment ago. "I'll--swing by tonight?"

Without waiting for a response, he was gone.

Jackson opened his mouth to call after Bellamy to be careful, but when he glanced over to where Bell had just been looking, there were a few men in guard uniforms who were watching Bellamy in a way that made Jackson entirely uncomfortable.

One of them, the one with the broken nose, was looking at Jackson. Jackson automatically shut his mouth and turned back the other direction. Fuck, had Bellamy darted away like that to keep those assholes from noticing him? It clearly hadn't been fast enough.

God, he hoped Bellamy wasn't going to wind up in Medical today with new injuries.

But the day passed uneventfully, with just a few routine illnesses and a couple of checkups for their chronic patients. Jackson lost track of time until Abby's hand rested on his shoulder.

"Bellamy's here to see you," she said. "Get out of here, and don't let me see you until tomorrow." Her gaze was warm and she leaned in. "He seems to be making a quite an effort."

Then she was gone. When Jackson turned towards the entrance to Medical, Bellamy was standing there, shifting his weight. He wasn't in uniform anymore, and he looked like he was fresh out of the shower. He had a tentative smile on his face.

"Doctor Griffin said you were wrapping up," he ventured.

Jackson smiled back, maybe too affectionately. In the back of his mind, he wondered what fresh-out-of-the-shower Bellamy tasted like. 

"She lied," he said, and shrugged. "She just shooed me."

"End result is, we can go to dinner, right?" Bellamy asked, his expression hopeful. It seemed like a strange expression on Bellamy's face, and Jackson realized he hadn't seen that expression on Bellamy's face very often. Or at all.

Jackson smiled at him for another moment, then took a step closer to Bellamy. His cheeks were warm, because he knew Abby could probably hear what he was about to say, but Jackson suddenly wanted to cement what this thing was between Bellamy and himself. He lowered his eyelids a little and said, "Are you asking me out, Bellamy?"

Bellamy huffed a little laugh and said, "Yeah, I'm asking you out, Jackson." He shifted his weight again, a line of red burning its way along his cheekbones. "That okay?"

Jackson felt a silly surge of happiness shoot through him and couldn't control his face, which he was sure probably looked ridiculous. "More than okay," he said. "I accept."

The smile that spread across Bellamy's face made Jackson's breath catch. He'd never seen Bellamy look so purely happy. He nodded, still smiling. "Okay," he breathed.

Jackson led the way out of medical, heading down the hallway. "To the mess?" he asked. "We could eat there, or take it back to my place." Then a thought occurred to him. "Or yours. I could try to make a better impression on your mom."

Bellamy's smile faltered for a moment, then returned. He shook his head. "Let me lead up to it with her, okay? Mom's really not a fan of change." He reached over, his fingers curling loosely around Jackson's. "She'll like you once she gets used to the idea of me bringing someone home, though."

Jackson thought he should probably say something, but he couldn't quite get over that Bellamy was _holding his hand_ in the middle of Go-Sci. When someone came around the other end of the hallway, Jackson tightened his hand around Bellamy's, hoping he wouldn't let go.

Marcus Kane was striding purposefully down the hall, looking unhappy. "Councilor," Jackson acknowledged, unsure if Kane would so much as greet him back before brushing by them.

Kane looked up, his frown fading but not disappearing. "Jackson," he said. His eyes darted to Jackson and Bellamy's joined hands, then to Bellamy's face. He nodded at Bellamy and kept moving.

God, there had been a time when Jackson had had such a crush on the older man, but it hadn't taken long to realize Kane didn't seem to think much of Jackson either positively or negatively. To Kane, Jackson was just the doctor attached to Abby's hip.

Bellamy's fingers tightened on Jackson's, and when they were a little further away, Bellamy murmured, "You know Councilor Kane?"

Jackson shrugged. "I know a few of the Councilors. I discovered very early in my training that if I went anywhere on Go-Sci with Abby outside of Medical, she was likely to get dragged into a political conversation. Sometimes I get shooed away, sometimes I don't. At first I just tried to be as invisible as possible, but eventually people started talking to me too. I don't know any of them really well, but we're acquaintances."

He shrugged again. They were nearing the edge of Go-Sci, and Jackson wondered if Bellamy would let go of his hand once they left it. He hoped not, but after the way Bellamy had left him this morning in the mess, Jackson wasn't sure what to expect.

"So, Doctor, where am I taking you to dinner?" Bellamy asked, glancing sideways at him. "Factory Station mess hall, Farm Station mess hall...?"

Jackson made an amused noise. "Surprise me," he said.

"Huh." Bellamy stopped walking and pretended to think. "Well, the ambiance on Farm Station is a little nicer, but I have a couple friends on Factory Station. Then again, maybe you don't want to be interrupted, in which case I vote for the ambiance."

Jackson chuckled. This was certainly more relaxed than Jackson was expecting. "I definitely don't want interruptions," he said, holding Bellamy's gaze. "I want you to myself." He wondered if Bellamy had forgotten the suggestion to grab food and bring it back to Jackson's rooms, or if he didn't want to be that intimate tonight.

Bellamy gave him a look of mock confusion. "I thought going on a date meant being seen together in public," he said, and then looked away; Jackson could see the edge of the smile Bellamy was trying to hide. After a moment Bellamy glanced back at him. "So I guess it's option three? Get dinner and eat in your rooms?"

Jackson grinned at him for a moment. "Unless you're planning to let go of my hand when we leave this station, people will see us," he said, squeezing Bellamy's fingers. "But if you really want to eat in the mess, can I go change first?"

"Man, here I wanted everyone to know I snagged a date with a doctor," Bellamy teased. "You decide. Farm Station or your place, I'm good with either."

Jackson huffed a laugh. On the one hand, it was really charming and it made Jackson feel good that Bellamy wanted to be seen with him on a date. On the other, he did want Bellamy alone. And they had plenty of time to be seen together. "My place," he decided, trying not to hope too much that being in private might lead to more physical contact.

"Your place it is," Bellamy said, and started walking again. To Jackson's pleasure, Bellamy didn't let go of his hand even when they got to more crowded areas of the Ark. Jackson could tell Bellamy wasn't quite as relaxed when they got to the mess hall, but he still didn't try to pull away. It was more that he couldn't help being vigilant in crowds. Maybe it was the guard training, but Jackson suspected it had more to do with the guard with the broken nose.

Fortunately, they made it through the line without running into anyone who gave them trouble, and though they had to quit holding hands in order to balance their food trays, Bellamy didn't increase the distance between them.

When they got back to Jackson's rooms, he let himself in and left the door open for Bellamy to follow. He balanced his tray on the edge of the table to free a hand to clear the chess board and its pieces, hearing the door shut behind him. Then there was the soft click of Bellamy locking it that made Jackson smile.

When they finally settled at the table, Jackson couldn't stop smiling at Bellamy. "It's been a very long time since I've held hands with anyone in public."

Bellamy laughed and shook his head. "I was still in school the last time I did that. And it was a girl that time." He looked up at Jackson, still shaking his head. "Is it weird how much I liked holding your hand in front of Councilor Kane?"

Jackson snorted. "I don't know," he said. "If he'd stopped, I would have introduced you, but he was obviously occupied." He took a bite of his food.

"Nah, that's not why. It's just..." Bellamy shrugged. "I don't know. Anyway. How was your day?"

"Nothing exciting," Jackson said, spearing another bite of food. "Routine check ups, chronic patients, stuff like that. Tomorrow I go check on the kids in lockup, which is… occasionally exciting."

"They don't send you in there without guards, though," Bellamy said, giving Jackson a questioning look.

Jackson shook his head. "There's always a guard present, just inside the door to keep watch." He sighed. "I get it, but those kids get no privacy, so sometimes I feel like they don't tell me everything they should. Most of them aren't violent, anyway. I'd much prefer the guard _outside_ the door in most cases, but I don't make the rules."

Bellamy frowned. "I'd think they would have different rules for non-violent offenders," he said. Then he sighed. "But sometimes I think our penal code needs some reform," he muttered.

"I completely agree," Jackson said, taking a bite of his food. After a moment, he laughed. "'What'd you do on your first date?' We discussed reforming the penal code," he teased, chuckling softly. 

Bellamy laughed then. "Okay, sorry. Um. What's your favorite color?"

Jackson laughed. "Green," he said, "Favorite curse word?"

"Fuck," Bellamy said. "And blue." He was smiling, which Jackson thought might be a record for how long in consecutive minutes that Bellamy Blake had smiled. "Escape pod book," he said after a moment. "You can take one book, fiction or non. What is it?"

Jackson sat back and thought about that for a moment. "Depends. Am I escaping with other people who might eventually need medical care, or on my own?"

"Just you," Bellamy said.

Jackson gave Bellamy a lopsided smile. "Probably the one I loaned to you."

Bellamy smiled faintly. "I should finish reading it and give it back, then," he said. "Just in case. For me...well, you already know I'm a history nerd, right? So.... _The Art of War_ by Sun-Tzu."

Jackson lifted his brows and leaned in, propping his head up in his hand. "Never read it. Is that fiction or non?"

"Non-fiction," Bellamy said, poking his fork at his food. "It's basically a manual of warfare. But what's weird is that it's also good advice for things like...well, not just war, but everything." He paused, then said, "I think there was a fad for a while of people using it for dating guidance and career guidance and everything."

"Hmm," Jackson hummed, eying Bellamy. "So give me some dating guidance," he murmured, letting his tone be slightly suggestive.

Bellamy laughed. "Uh, let's see...'To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.'" He met Jackson's gaze. "But honestly, I'm not sure you really needed that guidance."

Jackson stared at him for a moment. Bellamy was saying Jackson had broken his resistance? And without fighting to get there. "I get the feeling fighting you would have proven useless," he said. God, Jackson wasn't sure why, but he really wanted to kiss Bellamy now.

Bellamy made a thoughtful noise. After a few moments, he said, "You've seen first-hand how I react to people who fight me." He looked down at his plate for a few more heartbeats. "You didn't try to fight me. You tried to understand me."

Jackson wanted to say something about that generally being the best way to approach anyone, but he was afraid it might be the wrong thing to say. So he he slid his hand across the table, palm facing up. Maybe if Bellamy would take it, Jackson could kiss his fingers and see how that went.

Bellamy's hand slid across the table to meet his, curling his fingers slightly against Jackson's. When Jackson looked up, he saw that Bellamy's gaze was focused on his face. Bellamy didn't speak, but his brown eyes were steady as he watched Jackson.

Jackson held his gaze for a long moment, his heart starting to race. Part of him wanted to stand and tug Bellamy against him and kiss him roughly, but he still hadn't forgotten the skittish Bellamy from before, the one who'd flat out asked Jackson why he would _want_ to feel more.

Jackson shifted forward, gently guiding Bellamy's hand toward him. He let his eyes flutter shut as he brushed his lips to Bellamy's knuckles, letting Bellamy see him be vulnerable.

He felt Bellamy's fingers tighten on his, and then as Jackson's lips brushed Bellamy's skin, he heard the swift intake of breath. "God," Bellamy breathed. "You're..." He trailed off, but Jackson could hear the desire in his voice. Bellamy tugged him gently closer. "Kiss me," Bellamy whispered.

Need washed over Jackson at those words. Bellamy certainly wasn't going to have to ask twice.

Jackson slid out of his chair, moving around the table just enough to lean down and cup his hands against Bellamy's cheeks. He tilted Bellamy's face up and pressed his lips to Bellamy's mouth.

Bellamy made an indistinct noise and curled his fingers in Jackson's hair. Then Jackson felt the angle of the kiss change as Bellamy stood and leaned into him. Bellamy's hand lifted to cup Jackson's jaw as the kiss deepened.

Jackson let out a contented sigh. The slide of Bellamy's tongue was sending desire racing through him, and it was so much better this time than it had been in what felt like ages because this was _Bellamy_.

Jackson slid his hands from Bellamy's face, down his neck and chest before wrapping his arms around Bellamy and pulling him tight against him.

"How did you do this?" Bellamy breathed, but he was kissing Jackson hard before Jackson could even begin to formulate an answer. Bellamy's fingers stroked down the back of Jackson's neck as Bellamy pressed his body against Jackson's. "J," Bellamy whispered.

Jackson was starting to forget that a question had been asked until Bellamy called him _J_. He sucked in a breath and drew back to look at Bellamy. He knew his expression was somewhere between hungry and pleased, and he licked his lips. "J?" he whispered, hoping Bellamy could hear from his tone how much he liked that.

Bellamy went still and met his gaze, but his fingers teased at the nape of Jackson's neck as Bellamy looked at him. "J," Bellamy breathed again. A moment later, Bellamy's lips pressed hungrily against his.

"Mmm," Jackson hummed. Bellamy didn't seem skittish in the least anymore. His kisses were demanding, and Jackson tried to match Bellamy's desire. He slid his fingers under the back of Bellamy's shirt, and when Bellamy didn't tense, he slid his hands up, pressing into Bellamy's bare back. "So sexy," he whispered.

Bellamy pulled back a little, enough to make Jackson wonder if he shouldn't have said that. Then he felt Bellamy's breath gust against his lips. "Yeah?" Bellamy murmured. Then Bellamy pressed parted lips against Jackson's, the kisses spaced out enough that Jackson was beginning to sense Bellamy's hesitance before Bellamy whispered, "J, wait."

Shit. Suddenly there was a sinking feeling in Jackson's chest. He pulled back enough to look at Bellamy, concern in his gaze. "Are you okay? Did I--was this too fast?"

"Shh." Bellamy pressed another kiss against Jackson's lips, then lowered his head to press his face against Jackson's neck. "This is good. I just..." He was panting, his breath gusting against Jackson's skin. "Just need to say something." One arm looped around Jackson's waist, keeping him from pulling away.

Jackson relaxed a little. Bellamy hadn't changed his mind, he just had something to get off his chest before they continued. Jackson tightened his hold on Bellamy. "Say it. Anything," he whispered.

Bellamy's lips brushed his neck, then Bellamy went still for a moment. "This is...I want so much more," he breathed, his voice shaky. "But I've never done more than this with another guy."

Oh. Jackson vaguely recalled that Bellamy said earlier the last time he'd held hands with someone in public, it had been a girl, and Jackson had wanted to ask at the time if Bellamy ever dated a guy, but the conversation had drifted away from that too quickly.

Jackson stroked his hands over Bellamy's back. He couldn't deny the idea of being Bellamy's first was a turn-on, but he knew that meant he had to be more… reverential about this than he was with the other men he'd been with in the past few years.

He smiled faintly and pressed a kiss to Bellamy's hair. "I haven't so much as ever held a girl's hand in anything other than a platonic way, so you're probably more well-rounded than I am," he said, hoping the dumb joke might relax Bellamy.

Bellamy snorted in amusement. "I've _kissed_ guys before," he informed Jackson, ducking his head to kiss Jackson's throat. "I've just never done more."

Jackson grinned. "My point was that I've never even _kissed_ anyone of a different gender, so you're maybe more experienced than me in some ways." He slid his fingers into Bellamy's hair, enjoying Bellamy's lips on him. "Not in the best ways, obviously," he teased, drawing his hands over Bellamy's shoulder blades.

He heard Bellamy groan a moment before he pressed into Jackson's touch. "Just thought you should know before I asked you to touch me," Bellamy panted against Jackson's ear.

"Anything you want," Jackson said, "I'll give you." He closed his fingers in Bellamy's hair and pulled Bell back just enough to kiss his lips. God, restraining himself might kill him, but he had to. "And if you say the word, I'll stop."

Bellamy laughed quietly. "If you stop, I'll be fucking pissed," he murmured, sliding his fingers into Jackson's hair. "I didn't tell you that because I'm scared." He murmured. "Just because I thought you should know." His lips trailed against Jackson's jaw.

Jackson swallowed that the first time he'd had anal sex, it hurt, and that while Bellamy didn't want him to stop now, he might later. "I didn't think you were scared," he whispered. He kissed Bell again, this time deepening it until Bellamy was breathless 

When he pulled back the next time, Bellamy's fingers were curled tightly in his hair, and Bellamy was panting against his lips. "Good," Bellamy breathed. "Because I want you so much."

Oh, God. Jackson kissed him and started to guide Bellamy toward his bed. "How much?" he breathed. Maybe bed wasn't where he should go right away, but he trusted Bellamy to stop anything he was uncomfortable with.

Bellamy was panting against Jackson's mouth, and his fingers were curled at the nape of Jackson's neck. He pulled Jackson in for a demanding kiss, and then breathed, "Fuck me," against Jackson's lips.

Jackson drew in a sharp breath, slightly shocked at how much Bellamy was willing to give him so fast. "Fuck," Jackson panted, but he pressed Bellamy against his bed anyway. "We can take it slow," he panted, kissing Bellamy's jaw. 

Bellamy made a noise of desire, and then when Jackson pulled back, Bellamy met his gaze. "I trust you," Bellamy breathed, reaching for him.

"I know," Jackson said, ducking his head to nip at Bellamy's jaw. "Let's get you out of this," he panted, tugging at Bellamy's shirt.

He felt Bellamy's breathing hitch against his chest, and then Bellamy pulled back to tug his shirt over his head. "You too," Bellamy said.

Jackson waited to take his shirt off, wanting to admire Bellamy's strong chest and shoulders for a moment, but as soon as Bellamy tossed his shirt aside, Jackson found himself frowning.

Bellamy's torso had several bruises. Most seemed to be fading, except for one against Bellamy's ribs that looked fresh. "Bellamy," Jackson said, reaching out to brush his fingers over the freshest bruise. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you about a couple bruises, _Doctor_ Jackson?" Bellamy said, arching an eyebrow. He covered Jackson's hand with his own and guided it away from the bruise. "Bruises come with the job."

Jackson drew a deep breath. He'd obviously slipped into doctor voice just then without realizing. He needed to learn not to do that.

He leaned down to kiss Bellamy's throat, thinking that Bellamy was possibly downplaying what might have been the result of more bullying. And then Jackson remembered the guard with the broken nose looking at him this morning and froze. "That wasn't because of me, was it?"

He felt Bellamy sigh. "I just had another 'friendly conversation' with Heron during training," he muttered, "to remind him _I'm_ the one they hate, not you. Now will you take your damn shirt off? I want to touch you." His tone had shifted when he mentioned training, but by the end it had lightened to amused frustration.

Jackson huffed, thinking if this Heron guy hurt Bellamy again, he might have to have his own 'friendly conversation' with him, but he sat back and did what Bellamy wanted.

He tugged his shirt off over his head. "Which one's Heron?" he asked, muffled in fabric, and then tossed his shirt aside. He didn't lean back down right away so that Bellamy could look at him. He hadn't missed how Bellamy had looked the first time Jackson undressed in front of him, and how Bellamy hadn't let himself look very long.

Bellamy's hands splayed against Jackson's stomach, stroking up to his ribs. "Don't worry about him," Bellamy murmured, and lifted his head to kiss Jackson.

"I worry about _you_ ," he whispered, leaning down and giving Bellamy the kiss he wanted. He shifted his weight down to press against him, trying to balance himself more against the side of Bellamy that wasn't bruised.

"Sexy," he whispered, then kissed Bellamy hard before he could respond, his hands sliding over Bellamy's shoulders and into his hair.

Bellamy made an appreciative noise into the kiss, returning it hungrily. He wrapped one arm around Jackson, the other still stroking Jackson's side. He broke the kiss long enough to mumble, "So're you," and then kissed Jackson again. He shifted his hips against Jackson's, letting him feel how excited he was already.

Jackson groaned against Bellamy's mouth at that, and he thrust gently against Bellamy as he ducked his head to kiss Bellamy's neck. God, this was really happening, wasn't it? This wasn't the fantasy Jackson had dreamed up this morning?

He bit gently at Bellamy's Adam's apple, but then made himself stop and kiss where his teeth had just been. Jackson didn't mind a little pain with his pleasure, but Bellamy got hurt too often.

Bellamy arched his neck, pressing into Jackson's mouth. "Feels so good," he said. "God. Want you naked."

Jackson chuckled against his skin, shifting down to lick at Bellamy's shoulder. "There's no rush," he whispered, even though the idea of tearing off Bellamy's clothes and getting him writhing under him sent a thrill through Jackson. He needed to be better than that this time, though.

Bellamy groaned impatiently, but his fingers slid into Jackson's hair, so he must not mind the slow pace too much. "Mm, J," he breathed, stroking his other hand over Jackson's back.

Jackson grinned at his new nickname, and lowered his head to plant a series of small, wet kisses over Bellamy's collarbone. If Bellamy was going to give him a nickname, Jackson would do the same. "Bell," he whispered, sliding his hands down to Bellamy's hips and thrusting gently again.

Bellamy's laughter faded into a wanting noise as his hips jerked against Jackson's. "God," he panted. "I've wanted you for so long. Is this real?"

Jackson was breathing harder against Bellamy's skin. "I fucking hope so," he breathed, thrusting again and he sucked gently at Bellamy's nipple.

Bellamy made a noise and arched against Jackson's mouth, his fingers tightening briefly in his hair.

The brief tug against Jackson's scalp felt nice. "Can pull," he whispered. He trapped the hardened nipple gently between his teeth and flicked his tongue over it, sliding his hand down to rub Bellamy's cock through his pants. God, he didn't know how much longer he could stand Bellamy not being naked.

Bellamy's hips bucked and he whimpered. "Nnh, you're killing me," he gasped, tugging Jackson's hair again.

Jackson groaned at that. "Me too," he panted.

Fuck it.

Jackson slid back up to kiss Bellamy hungrily. "Naked," he said, tugging at the button of Bellamy's pants.

Bellamy let out a breathless laugh and pushed Jackson's hands out of the way. "Let me. Faster." He pressed on Jackson's chest until Jackson sat back, letting Bellamy up, too. Bellamy started tugging at the laces on his boots. He glanced over at Jackson. "You, too," he ordered.

Jackson couldn't help smiling at him. Bellamy was giving him orders now? _There_ was the confidence Jackson had originally expected. Or some of it, at least.

Jackson did what he was told, pulling off his shoes, and then shifted to get out of his pants. "This morning in the mess I was thinking I'd be lucky if I could even get a kiss out of you," he teased gently.

Bellamy was down to his boxers. He paused, giving Jackson a mock glare, and then leaned in to press his lips against Jackson's. His hands were on Jackson's shoulders, and the next thing Jackson knew he was half on his back, Bellamy straddling his hips. "You underestimated me," Bellamy growled, and kissed him harder.

Jackson couldn't help but moan into the kiss, Bellamy's sudden aggression catching him off guard. But in such a good way.

Jackson felt his face heat as the aching need in his boxers pressed against Bellamy as they kissed. "What do I have to do," he panted between hungry kisses, "to get you to keep proving me wrong?"

Bellamy chuckled against his mouth. "Keep being you," he murmured, stroking a hand down along Jackson's side. "You're fucking sexy."

"Mmm," Jackson hummed, resting back all the way so he could wrap his arms around Bellamy and hold him against him. Now that Bellamy was in the dominant position, Jackson wasn't sure if that meant he wanted to top now rather than be topped. Jackson couldn't remember the last time he'd let someone else fuck him, probably at least five years ago, but this was Bellamy Blake, and hadn't he been trying to show Bellamy it was okay to let yourself be vulnerable?

_Stop thinking. Just see where this goes,_ he told himself and slid his hands down to grip Bellamy's ass, tugging their hips together.

Bellamy's lips were trailing across Jackson's jaw as he alternated kisses and tiny nibbles. "I have wanted to do this," he breathed between kisses, "since the day I came into Medical four months ago with two fractured ribs." He reached Jackson's ear and whispered, "I could tell you were pissed. Turned me on." He closed his teeth gently on Jackson's ear lobe.

Even the memory of it made Jackson angry. That was the first time he'd realized that Bellamy wasn't brawling, but was being bullied. He'd tried very hard to remain professional with Bellamy that day, but clearly his anger had shown.

It was hard holding onto anger right now, though, with Bellamy's mouth on him. "Thought I was more professional than that," he murmured, turning his head to offer more of himself to Bell.

Bellamy pulled slowly away, letting his teeth drag against Jackson's earlobe. "You were professional," he breathed, and then Jackson felt Bellamy's hand on his chin, turning Jackson to face him. "But I needed you to be angry. I needed--I needed someone to see me properly." He dipped his head for a surprisingly tender kiss. "Thank you."

That kiss took Jackson's breath away, and the expression on Bellamy's face was more affectionate than it had ever been. God. Jackson's chest was aching. Was Bellamy starting to fall in love with him? For that matter, was _he_ falling for Bellamy? Was this happening too fast?

Jackson cupped his cheek, and when he spoke again, his voice was shaking a little. "I thought you'd never forgive me for benching you for so long after that. And now you're thanking me." He lifted his head for another gentle kiss.

Bellamy hummed into the kiss. "Not for benching me," he said, sounding amused, but he kissed Jackson again.

Jackson smiled against Bellamy's lips. "I know," he whispered. He sighed happily into another kiss. "Maybe the best first date ever," he breathed.

That made Bellamy laugh softly. "Definitely beats any of my other first dates," he agreed, smoothing a hand across Jackson's chest. He started kissing his way down Jackson's neck.

"Bell," Jackson murmured, pressing up into Bellamy's mouth. He squeezed Bellamy's ass again, wanting to tell Bellamy he wanted him, but he wanted more to be what Bellamy wanted. What Bellamy needed. "So good."

Bellamy hummed, pressing his erection to Jackson's and rolling his hips. He sucked gently at Jackson's skin. "God, I want you to show me everything," he whispered.

Jackson smiled and stroked his fingers into Bellamy's hair. "Everything's a lot," he said. "What do you want most right now? We'll start there."

He felt Bellamy's breath puff against his skin as he laughed. "Thought I already told you to fuck me," Bell murmured, his voice low.

"Mmm," Jackson hummed, smiling. "And then you jumped me, and I wasn't sure you hadn't decided you wanted to fuck me instead." He kept stroking Bell's hair. God, Bell always wore it slicked back, but it was so sexy hanging in loose waves around his face.

He felt Bellamy's breathing hitch, but Bell just shook his head. "I want that, but not tonight," he murmured.

Jackson swallowed hard, finding himself slightly relieved. He nudged Bellamy up and kissed him slowly. "I haven't let anyone have me like that in probably five years," he whispered. "But I'll let you, when you're ready." He nudged Bellamy again, this time to guide him off to Jackson's side so that they could shift to their sides, facing each other. 

"Yeah?" Bellamy murmured, watching him. His expression was oddly open, but there was no mistaking the desire there. Bellamy's hands kept roaming Jackson's skin, almost like he couldn't get enough of touching him.

"Yeah," Jackson whispered, slipping his fingers into Bellamy's boxers and pushing them down. "Off," he said, and Bellamy shifted to kick off his boxers as Jackson did the same. He pulled away just enough to grab a bottle of lube from his nightstand, then started kissing down Bellamy's body.

He kissed Bellamy's neck and shoulder, drew his tongue over Bell's nipple, then placed another kiss just under his belly button before sliding his lips around Bellamy's cock.

"Oh, _fuck_ ," Bellamy gasped, arching into Jackson's mouth. His fingers slid into Jackson's hair.

Jackson hummed around Bellamy, pleased. He wanted Bellamy to finish after they fucked, but for now he was going to make Bellamy as relaxed as possible before asking him to roll over. He swirled his tongue around Bellamy, sucking as he cupped Bell's balls in his hand, massaging gently.

"God, J," Bell panted. "That--" He broke off with a groan.

Jackson tried not to chuckle at Bellamy's complete incoherence, but he wound up breathing a laugh anyway. He lid his mouth and tongue over Bellamy for another minute, enjoying the noises he was getting from Bell, before he pulled away and smiled up at Bellamy. "Roll over," he murmured, making his tone more suggestive than demanding. "I want you on your hands and knees."

Bellamy held his gaze for a moment, but then he obeyed. "I want to see your face," he said, but it didn't sound like a protest. It was more like Bellamy wanted to voice his preferences without actually arguing.

"You will," Jackson promised, shifting to his knees behind Bellamy. "You'll like this, though." Oh, God, Bellamy was so beautiful like this, just offering himself to Jackson. Jackson smoothed his hands over Bell's ass, then leaned in and drew his tongue along the tight pucker of Bell's entrance.

He heard Bellamy hiss, and then Bellamy dropped forward to his forearms, almost like he couldn't help it. "J--" he managed. His head was down, and the muscular lines of Bellamy's back were tense--with desire, Jackson hoped.

Jackson pressed in closer, planting a wet kiss against Bell's entrance and then circling it with his tongue. Bellamy made a noise that was suspiciously like a whimper and Jackson couldn't help but smile as he pressed his tongue just barely inside, trying to loosen the tight ring of muscle.

Yes, that was definitely a whimper. He heard Bellamy's breathing go ragged. "Please," Bellamy managed.

Was that a 'please continue' or a 'please fuck me'? The need in Bellamy's voice was overwhelming. Jackson wondered if he could drive Bellamy to be more specific, so he continued what he was doing, licking and kissing and prodding with his tongue.

Bellamy was breathing hard and he had buried his face in his arms. He let out a loud noise of wanting. "God, _please_ , J," he panted. "F-fuck me."

"Mmm," Jackson hummed, and pulled back, nudging Bellamy's hip. "Roll back over," he murmured, fumbling with the bottle of lube and slicking his fingers as Bellamy settled on his back. He glanced up at Bellamy to see his cheeks were flushed.

God, how had Jackson gotten so lucky? He leaned up and kissed Bellamy hard, pressing the tip of his finger just inside Bellamy, waiting for any sign of tension or discomfort.

Bellamy's hands stroked along Jackson's sides. "I won't break," he panted, his gaze on Jackson's.

Jackson gave him a faint smile and kissed him gently. "I know," he whispered, "but I don't want to hurt you." He pressed deeper anyway, watching Bellamy's face.

He felt Bellamy's breathing change, but those brown eyes stayed fixed on his. Bellamy exhaled, pushing lightly into Jackson's touch. "Come on," Bellamy panted.

Jackson huffed a small breath and leaned in to kiss Bellamy slowly, sliding his finger in all the way, and then crooking it just a little.

Bellamy made a noise halfway between a whimper and a groan, his fingernails digging into Jackson's shoulders. But after he caught his breath, Bell gasped, "Take."

Jackson sucked in a breath and kissed Bellamy's jaw. "Not yet," he insisted. He did not want Bellamy's first time to be as painful as his own was, if he could help it. "Want this to feel good, as much as I can." He worked his finger in and out a few more times before, very slowly, adding a second.

He felt Bellamy tense, and then Bell exhaled in a noise that was almost pained, but full of wanting at the same time. "So--so patient," Bell panted. His fingers were curled in Jackson's hair possessively but not demanding. "Does feel good," he managed.

"Good," Jackson breathed. Obviously Bellamy was pushing himself, but Jackson didn't think he'd say it felt good if it wasn't at least partially true.

Jackson let his fingers work and pressed his lips to Bellamy's ear. "I'm patient because I want what's best for you. I'd like to fuck you until you can't remember your name right now, and another night, maybe I will, but this time isn't about me. I want this to be special."

Bellamy panted a laugh, his body relaxing as he did. After a couple of deep breaths, Bellamy managed, "It is special." His fingers laced in Jackson's hair and Bellamy tugged him in for a kiss. "So good," he breathed.

"Feel so nice," Jackson murmured, slipping a third finger inside and deciding to distract Bellamy with words. "I can't wait to be inside you. Can't wait until my cock is engulfed in that tightness, that heat. You."

" _God_ ," Bellamy breathed, his eyes widening momentarily. "You keep surprising me," he said, his voice low and heated.

Jackson breathed a laugh. "Mmm," he hummed. "Nerdy doctors aren't supposed to be sexy?" he whispered.

"I knew you were sexy," Bellamy murmured. "Just wasn't expecting you to talk like this." He tugged Jackson in for a hungry kiss.

Jackson smiled against Bellamy's mouth, his fingers working inside of Bellamy still. God, if he could take this… "I want you," Jackson panted. 

Bellamy groaned, arching under him. "Please, yes," he said.

Jackson slowly pulled his fingers away, sitting back enough to slick his cock with more lube, and then he leaned back down, kissing Bellamy slowly. He pulled back just enough to position himself and watch Bellamy's face as he pressed inside.

Bellamy's gaze was on him, his mouth open as he panted. Jackson saw discomfort flicker across his expression briefly, but then it faded into something almost like wonder. "God, J," he panted.

Jackson almost couldn't believe they were doing this either, so he found himself smiling faintly at the expression on Bellamy's face. The tight heat around the head of his cock felt amazing, and his body was begging for more, but he continued to move as slowly into Bellamy as he could manage.

Since there was no pain on Bellamy's face, Jackson leaned down and kissed him as he sank inside, his own breath going ragged. "You feel so good," he whispered between kisses. "Tell me to stop if I hurt you."

"Don't stop," Bellamy managed, his fingers sifting through Jackson's hair. He arched up against Jackson, panting, and kissed him again.

Jackson moaned softly into the kiss and started to rock his hips, his thrusts slow and shallow. One arm supported him, while the other roamed Bellamy's chest, trying to feel if there was any tension in Bellamy's body that didn't feel right. "God, Bell," Jackson panted, trying to keep control of his body as it started humming with need. "Thank you."

Bellamy's breathing kept hitching, but it seemed to be enjoyment rather than discomfort that caused it. The hand in Jackson's hair stroked down to curl at the back of his neck, then slid down to his shoulder. "Tha--huh?" he managed when the kiss ended. His hand stroked back up Jackson's neck, messing up his hair.

"For letting me be the first," Jackson whispered, then gave Bellamy a crooked smile. "And on date one. You're so _easy_ ," he teased, then leaned down to kiss Bellamy. Nothing about Bellamy had been easy, actually, but that didn't matter right now.

He felt Bellamy give a surprised laugh. His fingers tightened in Jackson's hair as Bellamy returned his kiss. "Wasn't _sex_ I was afraid of," Bellamy murmured against his lips. He kissed Jackson again. "Was letting you in."

Jackson drew a shaky breath. "Too late to turn back now," he breathed, willing his body to continue this labored pace even though it was begging for more. He liked Bellamy talking like this.

"Don't want to," Bellamy breathed, wrapping his free arm around Jackson's waist. "God, this feels good." He kissed Jackson hungrily, clenching around him at the same time.

Jackson gasped, unable to keep his hips from jerking forward at that, which drew a surprised moan from Bellamy against his mouth. Bellamy's fingers tightened in his hair, but the hunger in his kiss only intensified. Bellamy was obviously ready for more.

Thank God.

Jackson started drawing each thrust out, up and down his full length as he picked up his pace a little. "Still good?" he panted.

Bellamy let out a low groan. "G--God yes," he managed. "More." He tugged Jackson's hair a little harder, his lips moving along Jackson's jaw.

Jackson almost asked if Bellamy was sure, but of course he was. And Bellamy's lips on his jaw, and the way Bellamy was demanding with him… God, Jackson had to give Bell what they both wanted. He slid his hand to Bellamy's hip, bracing Bellamy's body as his thrusts grew more demanding. "Bell," he moaned. 

Bellamy gasped with the first few thrusts, but he managed to breathe, "Yeah," which encouraged Jackson to keep going. Bellamy's hand at his waist slid down to cup his ass demandingly. "Good, J," he gasped.

It had been too long since Jackson had last done this. Maybe nine months. Jackson wasn't sure he was going to last as long as he really wanted to. Bellamy felt amazing, and Jackson could already feel the tension coiling in his body for release.

Bellamy had apparently forgotten that he'd been tugging Jackson's head back to kiss his jaw, so Jackson lowered his head back down for another kiss, then worked his way down Bellamy's neck. "Feels amazing," he murmured.

Bellamy groaned, arching under him. He panted something that maybe was supposed to be coherent, but it didn't really sound like a word. Bellamy's hand was in his hair again, and Jackson was pretty sure Bellamy wasn't thinking anymore at all.

"Perfect," Jackson panted, biting lightly at Bellamy's Adam's apple. He was so close to the edge, and he didn't want this to end, but he couldn't bring himself to slow down.

Bellamy's hands urged him on. Each of Jackson's thrusts was driving low noises of pleasure from him. "Yes," he gasped.

Jackson drove into Bellamy a few more times before he came, groaning against Bell's skin as his hips slowed. He drew out every ounce of pleasure before he stilled. "God, Bell," he mumbled, slumping on top of him. "Wanted to last longer," he panted, closing his eyes. "S'rry. S'been a while."

He felt Bellamy's chest heaving under him as he chuckled breathlessly. A hand stroked up his back. "Don't need to apologize," Bellamy murmured. "Probably been...longer for...me anyway," he added, obviously still trying to catch his breath. "Prob'ly come as soon as you touch me."

"Mmm, let's test that theory," Jackson huffed, smiling. "As soon as I can breathe again."

Bellamy laughed again, his fingers rubbing circles against Jackson's scalp, but didn't say anything. Jackson could feel the tension of desire in Bellamy's body, despite the tender way Bellamy was touching him.

He stayed where he was until his breathing evened out again, and then shifted up enough to kiss Bellamy slowly before moving down his body.

He looked up to see Bellamy was watching him, and he held his gaze as he closed his mouth around Bellamy's cock.

"God," Bellamy breathed, watching him hungrily. His fingers stayed in Jackson's hair but he slid his free hand behind his head so he could see Jackson better. "You're gorgeous," Bellamy whispered after a moment.

_Not like you. You look like there should be a statue of you in some crumbling Earth museum,_ Jackson thought. He smiled with his eyes, though, and made an appreciative noise against Bellamy's shaft.

He felt Bellamy's muscles tense as Bellamy's eyes closed for a moment. He opened them again almost at once, his gaze hot on Jackson's face. "Feel so good," he panted.

Jackson hummed again, then closed his eyes and went to work, sucking and swirling his tongue. He stroked his hands over Bellamy's hips and up to his chest, roaming every inch of skin.

Between the raggedness of Bellamy's breathing and the way his hips kept jerking, Jackson could tell it wouldn't take long. When he glanced up again, Bellamy had his eyes closed, his head pressed back into the pillow and his mouth open. "J--" he gasped. "J--close--"

Jackson slid a hand down to gently squeeze Bellamy's balls as he continued sucking, and it only took a few more bobs of his head before Bellamy was coming with a groan, pulsing into Jackson's mouth. He continued sucking more gently until he was positive Bellamy was done, and then pulled back to look at Bellamy as he swallowed.

Bellamy was watching him again, from under half-lowered eyelids. "God," he panted, rubbing a hand over his face and shoving his hair off his forehead. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something else, then just gave a breathless laugh. "God."

Jackson felt like his smile was probably a little stupid as he moved forward and settled against Bellamy's side, but Bellamy just looked so relaxed and happy. Jackson draped his arm over Bell's sweat-damp chest. "Need to mess up your hair more often," he murmured, kissing Bellamy's jaw before resting his cheek against Bellamy's shoulder.

"Oh, God." Bellamy laughed. "If that's how you're planning on doing it, be my guest." He hummed a contented noise. "I feel incredible."

"Oh, good," Jackson said lightly. It was pretty obvious how good Bellamy felt. For that matter, Jackson felt pretty incredible too. He'd forgotten how much better sex was with someone he cared about. "I feel pretty amazing too."

Bellamy let out a long sigh, and Jackson realized there was no tension in Bellamy's body. "You called me Bell," he murmured, turning his head enough to brush his nose against Jackson's hair.

Jackson breathed a laugh. "You called me J. No one's ever called me that." He tightened his arm around Bell's chest.

"That okay?" Bellamy's voice was soft and a little sleepy. He lifted his free hand to trace along Jackson's arm.

"I like it," Jackson said, letting out a contented sigh at the way Bellamy was touching him. He pressed his lips to Bell's neck. "I probably can't convince you to stay, can I?" Jackson hoped Bellamy would prove him wrong, but Bellamy's mom seemed a little controlling and Jackson doubted she would appreciate Bellamy not coming home tonight.

Bellamy took a couple of slow breaths before answering. "I'd like to," he murmured. "But my mom would probably panic. She's..." He trailed off. "I didn't tell her I would be out all night." He chuckled and kissed Jackson's hair. "I didn't know that was a possibility."

Jackson smiled. "It is," he said. "You have a boyfriend with his own place now, and he's spent too many nights alone." He kissed Bellamy's neck again. 

"Hm, I have a boyfriend, huh?" Bellamy said. His tone was pleased, but he was obviously surprised.

Jackson traced his fingertips over Bell's shoulder. "I was hoping so," he breathed, and smiled faintly. "As long as he's me, that is."

Bellamy laughed and shifted so he could kiss Jackson. "How did I get this lucky?" he murmured against Jackson's lips.

"You made me leave work," Jackson whispered, feeling suddenly like it was harder to breathe. He kissed Bellamy again. "You let me in."

"You wore down my resistance," Bellamy said. He stroked his fingers through Jackson's hair and pushed up on one elbow to kiss Jackson more thoroughly.

Suddenly, whatever this messy emotion Jackson was feeling for Bellamy was mixed with renewed desire. He let Bellamy control the kiss, enjoying his confidence. "Love the way you kiss me," he whispered when Bellamy pulled back a little. 

Bellamy smiled slowly at him. "I guess since you're my boyfriend, I'll have to kiss you more often," he whispered back. He cupped Jackson's cheek for another tender kiss, then sighed and sat up. "But not tonight."

Jackson made a noise of frustration, and reached out to touch Bellamy's hip. "No time for a round two?" he said, smiling faintly. He hated that Bellamy had to leave, but he understood.

"It's late." Bellamy's fingers curled around his. "And I'll see you tomorrow," he promised.

"Okay," Jackson said, then he squeezed Bellamy's fingers and let go to tug his sheets up to his waist. "Work on your mom for me?"

Bellamy stood and started dragging on his clothes. "I will. She's just..." He tugged his shirt on and then tilted his head, considering, while Jackson admired the way his hair curled down into his eyes. "Skittish," Bellamy said finally, and started putting on his boots.

_Kinda like someone else I know,_ Jackson thought, but kept to himself. He had a feeling if he could just have dinner with Bellamy and his mother, he could win her over, but he didn't push the idea. "Okay," he said instead. "I want one more kiss before you leave," he added, his gaze roaming over Bellamy.

God, if anyone had seen Bellamy enter Jackson's place looking crisp, and then seen him leave with messy hair and rumpled clothes, they would know exactly what had just happened.

Bellamy grinned at him and leaned down, planting one hand on either side of Jackson's hips and kissing him softly. "I wasn't going to leave without one more kiss," he murmured. "I'll see you tomorrow," and stole one more kiss before pulling away.

"See you," Jackson said, and watched as Bellamy slipped out the door, locking it from the inside.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the cliffhanger. We're evil. :D

* * *

  
**Chapter Three**

Bellamy held his breath as he let himself into the Blake quarters. He'd been out a lot later than he'd meant to be, and while it was entirely worth it, he hoped his mother had fallen asleep without waiting up for him to get home.

That hope was dashed as soon as he slipped inside and closed the door gently.

His sister seemed to be asleep in bed, but his mother was sitting at the table looking angry. "Where have you been?" she demanded, her voice hushed to try not to wake Octavia. Then her eyes narrowed, fixed on the top of his head. "What happened to you?"

"I said I was going out with a friend tonight," Bellamy said, trying to watch his tone. "Nothing happened to me. I just lost track of time." He glanced over at Octavia's sleeping form.

"Something happened," she insisted, standing and crossing the room toward him. She stopped a few feet in front of him, looking on edge as she appraised him. "Your hair is a mess and and you look…" She trailed off, apparently not finding the right words. Then her gaze snapped back to his. "What friend?"

Bellamy hadn't really given a thought to how he looked, but as her expression changed, he remembered Jackson's fingers in his hair and the fact that he'd dressed more quickly the second time around. _Shit_. That wasn't the way he would have chosen to tell her about Jackson. He took a breath and straightened his shoulders. He wouldn't have chosen this, but this was what he had. "Jackson. You met him the other day. He's a doctor."

"Doctor Jackson," she said, her brows drawn together in thought as her eyes still looked Bellamy over. He let her look for several long moments, almost able to see the wheels spinning in her head, and then she sucked in a soft breath. As she met his gaze again, her expression shifted onto one that asked a question full of fear.

Bellamy pressed his lips together, drawing in a slow breath. "He's a good man, Mom," he said softly. "I like him a lot." _I more than like him_ , he thought, but he wasn't sure he could say that aloud to _anyone_ right now, and especially not his mother. He held her gaze, trying to find the right balance between hope and stubbornness.

She was scowling now, though. "No," she said emphatically. "No. It's too risky." She shook her head, looking away from him, then she pressed a hand to her forehead and stepped back a little, looking upset.

"It's not risky," Bellamy protested. "He doesn't know anything about O. He _won't_ know anything about O. I know how to keep a secret by now," he added bitterly. She'd never realized why he had so much trouble in the guard. He knew she blamed him for not being mature enough or having enough self-control or...or something. But every time Bellamy thought about telling her _she_ was the reason he had difficulties, he thought about how much it would hurt her, and he bit his tongue.

"I know you do," she said, sounding just as bitter as he had. "And you may think you'll never tell him _now_ , but things change the closer you let people get." Her eyes were closed, and she slid her hand down to cover them.

"So what?" he snapped, then caught himself and lowered his voice. "I'm supposed to be as lonely and miserable as you are? I can't live like that." He felt horrible as soon as he said it, but the words were out there.

She dropped her hand and stared at him, her expression equal parts wounded and angry. "I have sacrificed everything for this family. For you," she said, her voice low and dangerous. "Don't you ever speak to me like that again, young man."

"You've sacrificed everything for _Octavia_ ," Bellamy retorted, his voice low. "And so I have I. And she is worth every sacrifice I've ever made. But I will _not_ walk away from Jackson. I will not hurt him like that after everything he's done for me."

His mother huffed an angry laugh. "Everything he's done for you?" she asked. "Unless you've been keeping things from me, this relationship is just _days_ old?" 

Bellamy opened his mouth to snap back at her, but Octavia let out an explosive sigh and sat up, throwing the covers back. " _Some_ of us are trying to sleep," she said. "And no, it isn't 'days' old, Mom. Bellamy's had the hots for Jackson for months."

Bellamy closed his eyes. "Not helping, O."

Their mother turned to frown at Octavia, but the anger ebbed out of her expression when she met Octavia's eyes. "Months?" she said. "You knew about this?"

"Please, he's so obvious," Octavia said. Bellamy made an angry noise and O smirked at him. "Your voice is different when you say his name."

Bellamy sighed. "Yes, fine, I've liked him for months. We've been friends for months." He lowered his head and glared at the floor, because he didn't want Octavia to think he was angry at her, but he couldn't stand to look at his mother right now. "I've spent months trying to hold him at arm's length because I know how fucking dangerous it is." Oh, his mother was going to snap at him for his language. Well, fuck it. "I got tired of being a dick to him for no good reason."

"Watch your mouth," she spat. "You don't have to be mean to him, Bellamy, but you can't let him too close. We can't afford that. _Your sister_ can't afford that. _You_ can't either."

Bellamy looked up at her, wishing he could somehow make himself stop loving his mother. And then he thought what a horrible thing that was to feel. He glanced over at Octavia, but she just shook her head at him. He sighed. "The only way I could make him give up on me would be to do something they'd float me for. He's not scared of anything, Mom. He cared about me when I wouldn't even talk to him. He cared about me when I _lied_ to him. He..." Bellamy huffed a laugh, shaking his head. "He's not like anyone I've ever known."

"He's a doctor. It's his _job_ to care," she muttered, and turned around to walk over to the bed, sitting next to Octavia. She pulled O against her and stroked her shoulder, then kissed the top of her head. "You should go back to sleep, baby," she murmured gently, though her unhappy gaze was still on Bellamy.

"Not if you're going to keep yelling at Bellamy," Octavia said. "He deserves to be happy, Mom. He's never happy. He deserves this."

Bellamy frowned. Why would Octavia say that? He'd been so careful with her, trying to shield her from the bad parts of the Ark. "I'm happy when I'm with you, O," he said, his voice rough.

"That isn't enough." Octavia pulled out of their mother's arms and leveled a gaze at him. "Do you think I don't know you? I know you better than anyone, Bell."

Bellamy kept frowning at her, though his eyes were stinging suddenly. After a moment he looked away, inhaling shakily.

"Leave Bell alone, Mom," Octavia said softly. "Let him be happy."

Their mother was tense, and after a moment, she shook her head. "We all have to make sacrifices," she said, then sighed. "We have each other. That's all we need."

"No, it's not," Bellamy said before he thought, turning his head to glare at his mother. "I don't need you. _You_ need _me_."

She was on her feet the second he finished speaking. She stalked over to him, her gaze furious, and grabbed him by his collar. "Bellamy Blake, if you say another word…" she hissed. "This conversation is over. You have exactly five minutes to get in bed. I don't need to hear from Grus that you're falling asleep during training."

Rage flared through him that she would bring up _Grus_ in this conversation. Bellamy narrowed his eyes at her. "I'm twenty-one years old," he hissed. "I don't need your _daddy_ looking after me."

He saw rage similar to his own flash across her face, and then she withdrew her hand from his collar. Before he realized what was happening, that same hand smacked hard into his face, snapping his head to one side.

Bellamy stared at the wall in blank shock for a second. He was used to physical violence, but it had _never_ come from his mother. He exhaled sharply and then turned his head back to face his mother, eyes narrowed.

She was staring at him, suddenly breathless and wide-eyed. She opened her mouth to say something, but then couldn't seem to form words.

"Mom," Octavia said, sounding shocked. When she rushed up behind their mother and gripped her shoulders, their mother didn't resist.

Tears were starting to well in her eyes. "Bell," she said, her voice shaking.

He didn't know what he was going to say until he opened his mouth. "I'm gone." His voice was cold and hard, and he almost didn't recognize it. He walked over to the drawer where he kept his clothes and books, and started shoving them in a pack. He was aware that his mother and sister had both said something, but he didn't even listen. He just shouldered his pack and went to the door.

"Bellamy, please, let's just calm down and talk about this," his mother was saying. "I didn't mean to--"

"Let him go, mom," Octavia said.

"Quiet," their mother said. "Bellamy, please."

"Maybe you didn't mean to," Bellamy said quietly. "But you did." He took a slow breath. "I'm leaving."

He walked out the door and pulled it shut firmly behind him. _Oh, fuck,_ what had he just done?

He took a couple of ragged breaths, then straightened and set his shoulders. Fine. He could deal with this. He took a few steps and wondered if Jackson would answer the door if he showed up there in the middle of the night. Jackson had probably passed out. He worked such long hours, and Bellamy had seen how hard he pushed himself.

He rubbed his eyes for a moment and then started walking. If Jackson didn't answer, Bellamy could always grab a bunk in the guard barracks. It wouldn't be ideal, but it would be better than going back home.

When he reached Jackson's quarters, he stared at the door for quite a while before sucking in a deep breath and knocking.

He stood there, expecting it to take some time for Jackson to answer, if he answered at all, but then Jackson was opening the door, his sheet wrapped around him. "Need to dress. What's happened, Abb--" he said, and then he realized who was standing in front of him and he blinked sleepily at Bellamy. "Bell?" he blurted, looking confused, but then he stepped aside for Bellamy to come in. 

Bellamy hadn't considered Jackson might be self-programmed to wake up for medical emergencies at all hours of the night. "Hi," he said, not moving. "Uh. Can I stay here tonight? I might've, um." He paused, trying to inject humor he didn't feel into his voice. "I might've just run away from home."

"What?" Jackson said, still looking confused. He glanced blearily into the hallway behind Bell. "Get in here. M'not dressed."

Bellamy stepped inside, hoping Jackson wouldn't get mad and throw him out once he really understood why Bellamy was there. He heard Jackson shut the door, and then he _didn't_ hear the click of the lock, so he reached back to lock it. "I'm sorry to wake you up," he said.

"It's fine," Jackson said, scrubbing a hand over his face and looking around the floor at where he'd left his clothes scattered. "Why would you run away from home?"

Bellamy sighed and swung his pack down from his shoulder. "Let's just say my mother and I don't see eye to eye on some things."

"Oh," Jackson mumbled. Then he suddenly seemed much more alert as he looked up at Bellamy. "Oh. I'm so sorry. This is my fault, isn't it?" he said, his gaze concerned.

" _No_." Bellamy stepped closer to him, lifting a hand to touch his chin. "No. This is my fault. I should have--I should have stood up to her sooner."

That wasn't quite true, but there was _some_ truth to it, and maybe Jackson would be able to accept it as reason enough.

Jackson frowned at him for a moment, then sighed and let the sheet drop off his shoulders. "She seems…" He sighed again and stepped away, tossing the sheet onto the bed and finding his boxers on the floor. He tugged them on and looked back at Bellamy.

"I don't know. A little controlling," he finished, giving Bellamy a slightly apologetic look.

Bellamy huffed an unhappy laugh. "A little," he agreed, and scrubbed his hands over his face. "I'm sorry to wake you up," he said again.

Jackson shook his head. "It's fine," he said. "Anytime." He walked over to Bellamy and rested his hand on Bell's hip. "Wanna talk about it?" he said gently.

Bellamy leaned into the touch a little. "What I'd really like is to sleep," he said. "As close to you as humanly possible."

What he'd _really_ like was for the Council to decide it was okay for Octavia to exist. For his mother to stop fucking Grus just to keep Bellamy in the guard. For Octavia to be able to see the Ark. But since he couldn't have any of those things, sleeping in Jackson's arms was a pretty good start.

Jackson smiled faintly and leaned in to brush his lips to Bell's. "Sounds good," he said. "Get undressed." He pulled away and started to straighten the sheet he'd just been wearing back into its proper place on the bed.

Bellamy let out a long breath, trying to expel all his anger and shame and unhappiness with that breath. It didn't help much, but he put his pack against the wall and started undressing. His throat and chest felt tight, but he kept telling himself it didn't matter because at least Jackson had welcomed him back.

When he was down to his boxers, he turned to the bed to see Jackson already settled under the sheet. He gave Bellamy a sleepy smile and held it open in invitation.

_God_. Bellamy felt his eyes start stinging at the genuine affection on Jackson's face. He took a couple more steadying breaths and climbed in bed next to him, pressing himself as close against Jackson's side as he could manage. He concentrated on keeping his breathing even; he knew Jackson would notice how upset he was otherwise.

Jackson slid his fingers into Bellamy's hair and held him close. "I'm sure it'll all blow over in the morning," he breathed, already sounding sleepy again.

Bellamy knew better, but he nodded faintly against Jackson's shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut. "Thanks," he whispered.

"Anytime," Jackson whispered, his breathing slowing.

The crazy thing was, Bellamy actually believed that. Jackson hadn't shown any hesitation or reservation. He'd just invited Bellamy in and accepted his half-true explanation, and... fuck. Bellamy realized, much too late, what his mother had meant. Getting close to someone _was_ dangerous, because now Bellamy was going to hate himself for every lie or half-truth he fed to Jackson.

His breathing hitched, but he held it and pushed the breath out slowly. It didn't matter, he told himself. What mattered was showing Jackson the parts of himself that he _could_ show. He squeezed his eyes shut and breathed in the scent of Jackson's skin. It would be okay. He would make it be okay.

Eventually, after a long while, Bellamy slept.

 

***

 

Jackson was mildly confused waking up with Bellamy in his bed, but after a moment, the events of the night before came back to him. Yawning, he detangled himself from Bellamy's arms and kissed his shoulder before getting out of bed.

Bellamy had grunted something at him sleepily, but Jackson told him he had another hour to sleep, and gently pushed his head back to the pillow before getting ready for work.

He locked the door behind him as he left to meet up with the guard that would be joining him in lockup for the day.

He knew the guard by sight, but not well, and the man clearly wasn't interested in small talk. He grunted a greeting at Jackson and fell in behind him as they headed for the Skybox. Abby would expect him in Medical around three for a status check, so Jackson wanted to see as many kids before then as possible. Otherwise he'd be stuck working into the evening, and he was pretty sure he needed to get the full story out of Bellamy.

There were a few sick kids in lockup that Jackson checked on first, and Jackson tried to focus on his work, but he was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with his security for the day. He seemed like he was itching for a reason to use the shock baton on his hip whenever one of the kids moved too fast.

Jackson strode out of the last of the sick kids rooms, and headed for the next cell. "I didn't catch your name," he said calmly, hoping it wasn't obvious that he wanted it so he could request this guard not have Skybox duty again with him.

"I didn't know you needed it," the guard said. "I'm just here to keep you safe from the scary kiddies."

Jackson looked over, frowning at the guard. What was his problem? "Well, if you want to break protocol and leave, be my guest." He knew he would be just as in trouble for treating patients without a guard present as the guard would be for leaving, if he did leave, but this felt… antagonistic, somehow.

He knocked on the next door, calling, "Medical!" then waited a few seconds before starting to unlock the door.

"Oh, I've got orders to keep an eye on you," the guard said. "So I'll do that."

Jackson blinked, wondering why that sounded wrong, but then the door was open and a gawky teenager with a mess of dark hair was grinning at him.

"Hi, doc. I think I need help. I'm having unexplained chronic pain."

The boy next to him started snickering.

"That's not good," Jackson said lightly, smiling at the boy, even though he could tell by the other boy's reaction that the first boy's complaint was probably unserious. "I'll see what I can do for that." 

He glanced at his records. Jasper Jordan and Monty Green. Neither of them had had any significant medical issues recorded so far. And they'd been arrested just last week for… oh.

"If you're hoping for medical marijuana, I'm afraid someone's been stealing it," he said, still smiling at them warmly. "Which one of you is Jasper?"

The gawky one smirked at him. "Guilty as charged," he said, and snapped off a salute. Then he stopped smirking. "Of being Jasper. _I'm_ not the one who forgot to replace what we took."

The other boy huffed a sigh. "I've already said I was sorry like a hundred times."

Jackson held back a chuckle… and then suddenly felt a little sad. These boys seemed like good kids, and now they were locked in a cell. Jackson was well aware misuse of medical resources was serious, but he couldn't help but think the Ark would be better off putting these kids to work expanding their resources, rather than locking them up.

Jackson glanced back at the guard to make sure he was still just inside the door, and ignored the way he seemed to be sneering, then walked over and knelt in front of Jasper, checking his vitals. 

"Other than this 'chronic pain'," he said, making air quotes, "anything else I should know about?"

"Unexplained cravings?" Jasper said. "Incessant hunger?"

"Total inability to get a date," added Monty.

Jasper glared at him. "Nope. We're both healthy. Super healthy. And bored. Bored is never good for us."

"We got in trouble because we were bored, but I'm pretty sure they've locked us up for our own safety," Monty disagreed. "You might've started plotting a criminal empire if they hadn't."

This time, Jackson didn't stop himself from chuckling. He spent a few minutes on a perfectly healthy-looking Jasper, then shifted over to Monty. "You'll have to forgive me if I can't imagine either of you as a hardened drug kingpin."

He wrapped a blood pressure cuff around Monty's arm. "You two are new in here. They'll get you something to keep yourselves occupied with soon. Even if it's just cards, it'll be something."

Monty brightened, but Jasper groaned. "If I have to watch him do the same magic trick over and over for the next two years…"

"I know more than one," Monty protested.

"You're here to treat the little bastards if they're sick, doc," the guard said then. "Not cozy up to 'em. Half of these shitheads do something once they're inside to earn them an automatic floating at eighteen, anyway."

Jackson felt Monty tense, and the boy ducked his head. When he looked back up a moment later, there was fear mixed with anger in his dark eyes.

Jackson clenched his jaw and looked over to see Jasper had lowered his head, his messy hair hanging in his eyes. He was looking at Monty under his bangs.

"Your job," Jackson said, looking back at Monty and trying to keep his temper in check, "is to stand at the door and watch. Not to speak. If you're going to insult my patients, you can step outside." He held Monty's gaze for a moment, hoping he could reassure Monty that _he_ was in control here, not that guard, and then went back to checking Monty's blood pressure.

The guard made an unpleasant noise. "Should've known you're a sucker for hard cases," he said, and yanked the door open. "What with you taking up with Blake." He stepped outside and pulled the door shut behind him.

Jackson's gaze snapped to the closed door, surprised. Oh, was that what the negativity toward him had been about? 

"Dude," Jasper said, drawing Jackson's attention back. "No one ever stands up to him." He sounded impressed, and his eyes were wide. "Who's Blake?"

"My boyfriend," Jackson said, then looked at Monty, who still looked mad. "Do you know his name? He wouldn't tell me."

Monty frowned. "Allard, I think. Or is it Ballard?"

"Allard," Jasper put in.

"You should be careful," Monty said, his voice low. "Jasper's right. No one ever stands up to him. And he's not one of the good ones. He likes hurting people." His gaze was intent on Jackson's. "You should probably warn your boyfriend he doesn't like him."

Jackson gave Monty an unhappy smile. "My boyfriend's a guar cadet. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend knows already." He put his hand on Monty's. "I'll report him once I get done here. Maybe I can get him out of the Skybox and away from you all."

"No offense," Monty said, "but why would you do that? We're just little bastards who're going to get ourselves floated." His voice was more bitter than afraid, but Jackson heard the fear lingering.

He glanced between the two friends for a moment. Jasper looked unhappy now too. "I don't believe that," Jackson said, his smile strengthening.

He felt Monty relax a little. "Just be careful," the boy said. "They seem to get away with anything." Then he ducked his head. "Thanks for not writing us off."

"Thanks for the warning," Jackson said, then finished checking Monty out.

By the time he left their room, he had gotten the two friends smiling again, but he knew the process of getting them smiling had probably taken longer than he really needed to have been in that cell.

He walked past Allard without a word to go to the next cell, and heard Allard fall in behind him. The next few hours were tense, but Allard didn't say anything else to him. When Jackson was finished with his patients and they were leaving the Skybox, Jackson glanced over at him.

"I know your name," he said, his voice low, "and I plan to report you to your superior officer as soon as I'm done in Medical."

"Report me?" Allard said, sounding almost amused. "For what? Treating criminals like criminals? Feel free to try, _doctor_. Oh, and give Blake my regards next time you blow him."

"Float yourself," Jackson said, as calmly as he could manage.

"You first," Allard said softly. Then he was gone before Jackson could say anything else.

Jackson waited until he was sure Allard was far enough away, then let out a shaky breath, pressing a hand to his chest as if he could slow his racing heart.

Allard hadn't seemed too concerned with the idea of someone going to his superior officer, so maybe Jackson should just tell Abby what he'd witnessed and been told.

He checked his watch. He was running a little late now, so he picked up his pace, heading to Medical.

He was almost there when he heard footsteps close behind him. Too close. He started to turn, and then something was covering his head. A bag? A jacket? Jackson felt fear surge up inside him as a large body shoved him into the wall. "Let's play a game, doctor," someone whispered in his ear.

It wasn't Allard's voice, he knew that much.

"You talk to anyone about what you think you know, your pretty cadet boyfriend pays the price."

Jackson opened his mouth to tell his attacker to float himself, but the man shoved him again, hard enough to drive the air out of him. Which, in retrospect, was probably for the best.

"And if you decide not to make Blake take your punishment, we leave you alone after this."

"If you touch a hair on his head…" Jackson panted, hating that his voice shook. He strained against the body against his, but he couldn't get any leverage.

Before he could get anything more out, something heavy hit the back of his head.


	4. Chapter 4

When Jackson woke up, he was in Medical, and he could hear Bellamy swearing in a steady stream of anger.

"Cadet Blake," said Abby's voice.

Jackson pried his eyes open the barest slit, trying to focus.

"Bellamy," Abby said. "He's awake. I think."

Then a hand gripped his tightly. "J?" Bellamy whispered.

Jackson turned his head to look at him, which made his head start pounding. He winced, closing his eyes again. He tightened his fingers on Bell's. "Never saw that truck coming," he breathed, trying to piece together what had happened to him. There had been Jasper and Monty. And Allard. And... what was next?

"Open your eyes, Jackson," said Abby's calm voice. He obeyed reflexively, then winced as a bright light attacked his head.

Bellamy's fingers tightened on his.

"Concussion," Abby said. "Which is common when someone is hit on the head hard enough to make him lose consciousness."

"What happened?" Bellamy demanded softly.

"I was in the Skybox with the kids. Allard is a fucking asshole. Then I was coming here, and..." He shook his head, which caused another uncomfortable throbbing, and he reminded himself not to move. "I don't remember. Maybe it'll come back." He groaned. "Talking hurts my brain."

"Bellamy, you should grab that basin there," Abby said, and then a wave of nausea swamped Jackson as her fingers pressed against the back of his head. Bellamy's fingers released Jackson's and there was a clattering noise just a couple of moments before Jackson lost his fight with the nausea. Apparently Abby's warning was in time, because when he lurched to the side to vomit, a basin materialized under him.

Jackson heaved a few times, feeling tears roll down his cheeks as he did, and then rolled back onto his back, gasping. Abby wiped his mouth and cheeks, and he felt stupid. God, this was awful. He felt like he had no control over his body. "Oh God, knock me out," he panted, though even in the haze of his mind, he knew Abby couldn't do that.

He felt Bellamy's fingers close around his again.

"He'll be all right," Abby said. "Doctors always make for poor patients. There's no skull fracture, which was my biggest concern." Abby's fingers stroked Jackson's temple. "I'll give you some acetaminophen as soon as you can keep down a few sips of water."

"Allard _is_ a fucking asshole," Bellamy murmured. "If he did this--"

"Cadet Blake." Abby's voice was sharp enough to make Jackson wince. "You will leave this to the official guard."

After a moment, Jackson heard Bellamy sigh. "I'm sorry, ma'am," he mumbled.

"He... he walked away from me," Jackson mumbled. "As soon as we left lockup. He needs to be..."

A flash of something came back to Jackson suddenly.

_You talk to anyone about what you think you know, your pretty cadet boyfriend pays the price._

Jackson had no context for the memory. Not where he was or who said it. But he stopped talking anyway.

"J?" Bellamy's voice was worried. "What's wrong? Doctor Griffin?"

Abby's fingers touched his forehead. "It's not uncommon for concussion patients to doze off," she said. He could feel her taking his pulse.

"God, this is..." Bellamy whispered, but he trailed off. His thumb was sweeping slowly across Jackson's knuckles, back and forth.

"Take this," Abby said, and Jackson heard the rustling of cloth. Then the cold of an ice pack bit at the back of his head.

He hissed at the pain where the pack touched what was obviously a gash in his scalp. He groaned. "Where was I?"

"Not far from Medical," Abby said. "Though I don't know if that's where whoever it was jumped you, or just where they decided to leave you. Lieutenant Shumway is looking through the hallway video surveillance, but so far there's nothing."

Jackson hummed a noise of acknowledgement, and squeezed Bellamy's fingers. "I'm gonna be fine," he told him. "Couple days, I'll be on my feet again."

"Seven, minimum," Abby said crisply. "Probably more, depending on how much rest you force on him. Do I need to commandeer you from the cadet class?"

Bellamy didn't respond for several moments, and Jackson started wondering if he'd fallen asleep and was dreaming this conversation. Bellamy finally said, "I'll do whatever you say, ma'am."

Jackson felt a little surge of happiness that Bellamy was willing to take off training to take care of him, if Abby saw fit, but then the happiness was squashed by another memory.

_Give Blake my regards next time you blow him._

God, if Bellamy took off to take care of him, it would be worse for Bellamy when he returned to training.

"N--no," Jackson said. "I'll rest. Promise." And then he sighed. He wasn't sure what he would do with himself for seven or more days.

He heard Bellamy sigh. "I can at least keep an eye on him when I'm not in training," he told Abby. "But if you think he needs supervision, say the word."

She hummed. "We'll see. Jackson, I'm keeping you overnight. Bellamy is going to go home and rest, and in the morning he'll be off duty for one day at least to get you home and settled."

"Yes, ma'am," Bellamy said.

Jackson squeezed Bellamy's fingers. "You," he said, then hesitated, because he wasn't sure how much of Bellamy's business he was comfortable with Abby knowing. But he had to offer. "You can stay at my place," he whispered. "If you want. If you need to."

He heard Bellamy chuckle, though it sounded strained. "I can hardly take care of you if I don't stay with you," he said softly. "But I locked the door this morning."

"Why would you do something like that?" Jackson teased, though after what had just happened, Jackson knew he needed to get better at that. Obviously, certain elements in the guard had their eyes on him.

Abby snorted and walked away, just as Jackson's stomach lurched again. "Keys in my pocket," he managed. "Need that basin again."

Bellamy made a panicked noise and pulled away, but he managed to get the basin up in time. This time Jackson was aware of Bellamy making a pained noise, and it occurred to him briefly to hope Bellamy didn't puke, too. But when he finished, Bell helped him lie back down and wiped his lips. Jackson heard him set the basin down, then Bellamy's fingers brushed through his hair.

"I hate this," Bell whispered. "I am _so sorry_ they--" He choked on the words and then said, "I should have held out, you know. It would have been safer if I hadn't let myself feel this way about you."

"Shh," Jackson whispered. "This isn't your fault. I may or may not have told Allard to float himself."

"You what? J, do you have no self preservation instincts at all?" Bellamy sounded like he was trying not to show his anger.

Before Jackson could reply, though, he heard Abby's footsteps approach.

"I think you should go get some sleep, Bellamy," she said. Her voice was quiet, but firm. "Be back here around noon tomorrow."

Bellamy sighed but said, "Yes, ma'am." Jackson felt his fingers slip into his pocket for the keys. Then, to his surprise, he felt Bellamy's lips against his forehead. "Get better," he whispered.

"Mmm," Jackson hummed, reaching up to brush his knuckles to Bell's chest. "I'm better already. Ready to be released."

Bellamy made a faint noise of amusement. "No, you're not. Let Doctor Griffin take care of you tonight. I'll see you tomorrow."

His footsteps were slow as he headed for the door.

"All right. Let's get this cleaned and bandaged," Abby said.

"Mmhmm," Jackson hummed, and he was pretty sure he'd get sick again if he sat up, so he shifted over on his side, facing away from Abby so she could more easily access the back of his head. Then he braced himself for the pain.

"He's furious about this," Abby remarked as she worked. "I was impressed at the way he was able to set it aside to take care of you, though. You obviously had a better estimation of his temper than I did."

Jackson wasn't sure if he was supposed to answer, or if she was just talking to distract him.

He hummed a noise of agreement, ignoring the way his eyes were stinging from pain. At least he didn't want to throw up again. "He's a good man," he murmured.

"He seems to make you happy," Abby said, "which counts for a lot." She made an unhappy noise. "I don't think this needs stitches, but I'll keep an eye on it." He heard her ripping tape as she bandaged it, then she was urging him to lie back down. "If you remember anything else, tell me as soon as possible," she said. "Whoever did this is dangerous."

God, he didn't know what to say to that. He felt like it was his responsibility to report Allard and protect those kids. But he didn't want Bellamy hurt either. 

Abby's fingers closed on his shoulder gently. "Get some rest," she said. "I'll be back in a couple of hours to check on you."

"Something for pain," he reminded her, and she left his side, returning a minute later to press a cool glass of water to his lips.

"Drink," she said, and he obeyed, swishing the first sip of water in his mouth to clear the taste of vomit. He took a few more sips, and then she sat silently by his bed for a little while longer, until it was clear he could keep water down.

She left again, and came back with pills that she helped him take. " _Now_ rest," she said gently, and left the room, flicking out the lights as she did.

 

***

 

When Bellamy got back to Jackson's quarters from Medical, he was relieved to see no one waiting. He'd been half afraid they would be lurking around Jackson's rooms to finish what they'd started.

Had they just meant the attack on Jackson as a warning? Bellamy suddenly regretted his words to his mother the night before. She'd been right. Letting Jackson in, letting himself start falling for Jackson, it was dangerous. There was such a web of secrets and lies surrounding him, and Bellamy knew he couldn't ever explain it to Jackson.

That was one thing his mother was wrong about. Bellamy would never tell Jackson about Octavia, but not for Octavia's protection. He knew he could trust Jackson not to say anything about her. On the other hand, Bellamy was well aware of the fact that for three years now, he'd been on a knife-edge himself.

If Octavia was discovered, the Council might decide to float Bellamy along with their mother. There was no way Bellamy would put Jackson at risk, too.

Miserably, he stripped down to his boxers and crawled into Jackson's bed. He expected to toss and turn, but the bed was comfortable and smelled like Jackson. Bellamy slept hard almost at once.

The next morning he reported to Sergeant Miller, who informed him he'd been assigned to Medical for the day, and that Doctor Griffin had mentioned the possibility of needing him longer. Miller didn't seem to think it unusual, and fortunately he said it to Bellamy when no one else was around, so Bell didn't have to worry about Heron or the others finding out.

He thought about going to see Octavia for a while, while their mother was out, but decided not to. She'd be able to tell he was upset, and she would know it wasn't _just_ because of the fight.

Finally it was close enough to noon that he thought he could report to Medical.

When he stepped inside, Abby was busy with something across the room, and Jackson was still in bed. The bed had been repositioned, though, so that Jackson was almost upright. He looked exhausted and unhappy, taking bites from a plate in his hand.

When he noticed Bellamy coming toward him, he smiled faintly. "There's two of you," he murmured, "how did I get so lucky?"

Bellamy snorted. "Maybe I should tell Doctor Griffin to keep you here until you're seeing straight," he teased, and went to lean against the wall next to Jackson's bed. "How're you feeling? And don't say fine, because I know better."

Jackson frowned. "My head is aching. My ears are ringing. Nothing tastes right," he said, poking at his plate. "But otherwise, I'm fine." He gave Bellamy a tiny, crooked smile.

Bellamy reached out and brushed Jackson's cheek with his fingers. "I hate seeing you hurt," he murmured. 

"Now you know how I feel," Jackson said, inclining his head into the touch.

Bellamy couldn't quite suppress the pang of guilt at that, but he shook his head. "That's different. I'm training for the guard. It's my job."

"I was doing my job, too," Jackson said.

Bellamy tipped his head, studying him. "You remember more?" he asked. "You said Allard was being an asshole...which is typical for Allard."

"I remember everything with Allard. I remember him calling the kids shitheads and bastards very well. Things get hazy after we parted," Jackson said, frowning deeply.

Bellamy frowned. "I'll listen around, see if I can learn anything more about Allard. Those Skybox kids...some of them _are_ shitheads. There are at least three in for murder. But most of them have it hard enough already without the guards calling them names."

He didn't point out there was a good chance he would hear plenty about whoever jumped Jackson. They both knew he would, but there was possibly nothing Bell could do anything about. 

Jackson made an unhappy noise and shoved another bite of food in his mouth, making a face as he chewed. "Don't sniff around Allard," he said after a moment. "Just let this go."

"So you say I'm your boyfriend but I'm not allowed to help keep you safe?" Bellamy murmured. "I won't bring attention to myself. I'll just pay attention."

Jackson sighed. "You'd better not bring attention to yourself," he said, taking another bite. "Abby won't release me until I eat this, and _it tastes like cardboard_ ," he said, raising his voice enough that Bellamy knew Abby was supposed to hear the last part. He didn't miss the way Jackson had winced at raising his voice, though.

Abby shot Jackson a look, and Bellamy remembered her saying last night that doctors often made lousy patients. He suppressed a grin. "That sucks," he said, trying to sound sympathetic. "The sooner you finish, though, the sooner I can take you home and put you to bed."

Jackson took another bite, looking miserable. "I couldn't convince you to eat it for me, could I?"

"I heard that," Abby called, without turning around, and Jackson scowled at the back of her head.

Bellamy couldn't help laughing. "At least she hasn't benched you for six weeks," he pointed out, trying to look innocent. 

Jackson scowled at Bellamy then. "I'm not broken," he muttered.

"If that delicious-smelling lunch of yours tastes like cardboard, you obviously are," Bellamy said. He looked over at Abby. "Doctor Griffin, is he going to be like this the whole time?" he asked, trying to sound like he needed sympathy.

She huffed. "I suspect he'll be even more of a handful after he hasn't worked a few days."

"I've eaten seventy-five percent of this," Jackson grumbled. "That should be enough."

Bellamy groaned. He sat on the edge of Jackson's bed and said, "If our positions were reversed, would you be satisfied at me eating seventy-five percent?"

Jackson gave Bellamy a glare that held no heat. "Depends on how much of a dick you were about it," he said, but took another bite anyway, making a show of it.

"You've been doctoring me for how many months now?" Bellamy said, giving him a humorous look. "I thought you knew me."

Jackson's glare faded. "Oh, but I do." He stabbed an overly large bite of food onto his fork and forced it in his mouth.

Bellamy leaned over until his shoulder pressed lightly against Jackson's. "You're cute when you're grumpy," he whispered.

Jackson slumped against him a little. "Glad you think so," he muttered. He took another huge bite, obviously just trying to get it over with.

Bellamy held in a sigh. "Sorry. I was just trying to make you laugh," he murmured. He raised his voice. "Doctor Griffin, he's pretty much done. Can I take him home?"

Abby sighed, then walked over to them. She didn't even glance at Jackson's plate. She held a bottle out to Bellamy. "Two of these every four to six hours as long as he's in pain."

"I know how to take acetaminophen," Jackson said, his voice flat.

Abby ignored him. "He needs to rest, physically _and_ mentally. No sex. No chess. No reading even, for a few days."

"I know how to treat a concussion," Jackson grumped.

"Can I read to him?" Bellamy asked, looking at Jackson. He wasn't particularly surprised by the 'no sex' instruction, but he could feel his cheeks heating up at the fact she'd mentioned it.

"Yes, that's fine," Abby said, then put her hand on Jackson's knee. "Careful when you get up," she told him. "Let Bellamy help you. You could get dizzy."

"I know," Jackson said. He still looked unhappy, but resigned. He sat forward and swung his legs over the edge if the bed, then held a hand out for Bellamy.

Bellamy took Jackson's hand and moved closer, wrapping an arm around Jackson's waist. "Okay?" he murmured as he eased Jackson's weight against him.

"Mmhmm," Jackson hummed, sliding to his feet. When he stood, he sucked in a small breath and leaned heavily on Bellamy, his fingers gripping Bell's shoulder.

Abby watched him for a moment, and then Jackson straightened again. "I'm okay," he said.

"I'll make house calls for you," Abby said. "I don't want to see you anywhere near Medical for at least a week." She reached over and gave his upper arm a small squeeze, then she looked at Bellamy and walked away.

"Okay," Bellamy said. "We'll take this as slow as we need to. And if you need to rest, say so." He didn't want to actually move until Jackson indicated he was ready to do so.

"Let's go," Jackson said, and nudged Bellamy forward as they started to walk. He seemed mostly pretty steady, occasionally leaning a little heavier than he probably wanted to, but then righting himself.

When they rounded a corner into the hallway someone had found Jackson's limp body in, Jackson tensed.

Bellamy tightened his arm around Jackson, wondering if he was remembering something about the attack. Bell took a slow breath. "J?" He murmured.

"I'm okay," Jackson said immediately. "It was here, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Bellamy breathed. He looked up into Jackson's face. "You remember that?"

Jackson was frowning. "I was here. And then everything went dark, but I was still awake," he breathed, then shook his head. "Let's keep going."

Bellamy nodded. "It'll be okay," he said, even though neither of them could know that, and continued down the hall with Jackson. He couldn't help hoping they didn't run into anyone they knew, so they didn't get interrupted on the way back to Jackson's home.

Jackson was quiet for a long time, his expression a little far off. Eventually, he expelled a breath. "I could probably walk on my own, if you want."

"Don't be ridiculous," Bellamy murmured. "First of all, I don't want. And second of all, I promised Doctor Griffin I would take care of you. Pretty sure that doesn't mean making you walk on your own."

Jackson made an unhappy noise, but didn't protest. 

There were a few people in the next corridor, but Bellamy was relieved to see no one he knew. That wasn't the case for Jackson, though. A handsome, middle-aged man with kind eyes smiled warmly at Jackson.

"On your feet again, I see," he said.

Jackson looked like it hurt to smile, but he smiled anyway. "Thanks to your wife," he said. "And this one," he added, looking at Bellamy. "Ah, this is Jake Griffin, Senior Environmental Engineer and Deputy Resource Manager, and Abby's husband." He looked at Jake. "This is guard cadet Bellamy Blake. My boyfriend." Jackson was sagging a little more against Bellamy.

Bellamy tightened his arm around Jackson's waist a little more. "Sir," he said politely, "It's a pleasure to meet you. I'd offer to shake, but--"

Jake shook his head, giving Bellamy the same warm smile he'd given Jackson. "If you let him go to shake my hand, you'd have a strike against you in my book."

Jackson's eyebrows rose. "My legs _do_ work," he said, and Jake chuckled.

"It's just nice to see someone else taking care of _you_ for a change," he said. "Clarke visited you this morning, but she said you were asleep and she didn't wake you. Pretty sure there's another portrait of you in her collection, anyway."

Jackson snorted and lowered his head. "God," he muttered, sounding embarrassed.

Jake laughed again. "I won't hold you two up any longer. If Abby finds out I kept you from resting, I'll never hear the end of it."

"Say hi to Clarke for me," Jackson said, looking back up.

"Sure thing," Jake said. He inclined his head to Bellamy. "Pleasure to meet you, Bellamy."

"You, too, sir," Bellamy said, smiling at him, and then kept up with Jackson as they got moving again. When he thought they were far enough, Bell ducked his head and murmured, "There are portraits of you out there?"

Jackson chuckled lightly. "A couple, I think," he said. He looked like he might be blushing slightly. "Clarke Griffin is quite an artist." He frowned in thought, then added, "Now that I think about it, I think I stuffed the last one she gave me into the back of the book I let you borrow."

"You're a good subject for a portrait," Bell said, smiling at him. "I'll have to look for it when we get back to your place. How are you doing?" He hadn't forgotten the way Jackson had seemed to slump a little harder against him a minute ago.

"Tired," Jackson said. "More tired than I have any right to be after being stuck in a bed the last twenty hours."

"You've been healing for the past twenty hours," Bellamy pointed out. "Healing wears your body out faster, I'm pretty sure."

"I..." Jackson trailed off and shook his head, shifting his weight off Bellamy again a little bit. He glanced at the people they were walking past, almost nervously, then said, "I'm dizzy again. Let's get to my bed."

"Lean more on me," Bell said, picking up his pace just slightly. "That okay?"

"Yeah," Jackson said, lowering his gaze to the floor as they walked.

After a few minutes, Bellamy looked over to see Jackson had his eyes almost closed, and he felt his chest ache that Jackson trusted him so much.

By the time they reached Jackson's rooms, Jackson was breathing a little heavier. Bellamy guided him inside and to the bed, then went back to lock the door. When he turned to look back at Jackson, he was fumbling his shoes off, looking sad.

"Hey, let me help," Bellamy said, moving to kneel in front of where Jackson sat. "Just rest." He looked up at Jackson's face. "What is it?"

"My body. Not working properly," Jackson said, he didn't protest as Bellamy pulled his shoes and socks off. He just watched. Bellamy wondered if he was just too tired to resist now, after all the grumpiness in Medical and then the long walk here.

Bellamy lifted his head to kiss Jackson softly. "I'm sorry this happened to you," he murmured, and started unbuttoning Jackson's shirt. "You'll feel better," he promised. "Just think of this as a chance to catch up on your sleep."

"I can't sleep for seven solid days. What am I supposed to do with myself?" Jackson said, letting Bellamy push his shirt off his shoulders.

"Doctor Griffin said I could read to you," Bellamy said, dropping a kiss on Jackson's shoulder. He knew he shouldn't get too into kissing, since Jackson was in no condition for it. But Jackson had very nice shoulders. "So you can pick a very long book," he added with a laugh.

Jackson's lips formed an unhappy smile. "And when you're in training?" he said.

Bellamy didn't know what to say to that. He found himself wishing, ridiculously, that he could send Octavia to keep Jackson company while he was in training, even though it was impossible. He took a breath. "I'll ask Doctor Griffin to pull me for medical the rest of the week. Sergeant Miller didn't seem to think there was anything unusual about it."

"No," Jackson said immediately, with an unexpected amount of intensity. He expelled a breath, then said more softly, "No. You don't need to miss work for me."

"I wouldn't mind," Bellamy said, trying to catch Jackson's gaze. "Especially since I'm not convinced this isn't my fault."

Jackson sighed, looking back at Bellamy. "It's not your fault," he said. "But we both know certain members of the guard would have another excuse to haze you if you were off a week or more to take care of me."

Bellamy frowned at him. "They don't--" he began, and then pressed his lips together. He wanted to convince Jackson that Bellamy could handle this, and that Bellamy had _good reasons_ for putting up with this. But he couldn't explain that this was about protecting his mother, because as far as Jackson knew, they'd only made nasty remarks that couldn't cause physical harm.

Bellamy knew better. If he ever stood up to Grus and his boys or tried to report him for his behavior, Grus would blow the whistle on his mom, and that could end up with his mom being floated. He drew in a breath. "There's... There's stuff I don't think I can explain, J. I don't think there would be anything but talk if I took the week off. But I don't want you worrying about it. So if you need me to go back tomorrow, I will. Only if you promise me you won't push yourself."

Jackson's gaze was unsure, almost guarded for a moment, then he looked away. "I need you to go back tomorrow," he said, looking down to his pants and starting to pull open the button.

Bellamy swallowed and looked away. Had he given Jackson the impression Bellamy didn't trust him? He hated that thought, but he couldn't think of any way to fix it. "Do you need help with those?" he asked, trying for a lighter tone. "I'm not sure I trust myself to keep my hands off you if I have to take your pants off, but Doctor Griffin was pretty clear about my keeping my hands to myself while you're recovering."

"I can handle it," Jackson said, shifting a little to push his pants over his hips. He looked at Bellamy, then inclined his head to the bookshelf. " _Foundation_ by Isaac Asimov," he said. "There are three books in the series. The original series. That will take some time."

Bellamy grinned at him, pleased Jackson was taking him up on the offer. He went and found the book on the shelf, then glanced over his shoulder at Jackson. "You need anything? Water?"

"Please," Jackson said, sliding into bed in his boxers. 

Bellamy got two bottles of water and carried the water and book to the bed. "Scoot over," he said, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Oh, before I get settled, do you need any more acetaminophen? Doctor Griffin didn't say when you last took any."

"Around eleven, I think," Jackson murmured. "My brain is a bit hazy, but it's not three yet, is it?"

"Nope. Not quite one." Bellamy reached out and brushed his fingers through Jackson's hair. He looked tired, unhappy, and pained, and Bellamy wished he could fix all of that. His stomach twisted a little. He wasn't used to needing anyone but his mom and Octavia, but it occurred to him that he needed Jackson. More than that, he wanted Jackson. God, how had this happened?

At some point, Jackson had closed his eyes, and Bellamy realized he'd been silent for a while. Bellamy wondered if Jackson had fallen asleep, but eventually, Jackson sighed heavily. "Can I convince you to strip and join me in bed? Honestly, I'm too tired and headachey to take advantage of you."

Bellamy huffed a laugh. "Of course." He'd been planning to sit next to Jackson while he read, but this would be even better. He set the book on the bedside table and started undressing. When he was down to his boxers, he said, "Do you want me to read, or do you want the lights out?"

"Read," Jackson murmured. "I've spent the better part of a day sleeping."

Bellamy had been thinking they might talk for a while, even with the lights out, but he climbed in bed and slouched down next to Jackson. He held his arms open. "Want to come here?" he offered.

"Mmhmm," Jackson hummed, then shifted into Bellamy's arms.

Bellamy let out a long breath, wrapping his arms securely around Jackson. "I wanted to do this last night. Well, with more clothes on. But I figured Doctor Griffin would shout." He smoothed a hand down Jackson's arm. This felt good, just being together like this.

"She... she doesn't get you, but I think she's trying to. For my sake," Jackson breathed. "I doubt she would have shouted unless you were accidentally doing something that might hurt me."

Bellamy made a thoughtful noise. It was weird, considering how much time he'd spent resisting Doctor Griffin, that now he _wanted_ her to like him. "I hope I never do anything to make her shout at me, then," he said softly. "I don't ever want to hurt you." Even if he was pretty sure he already might have done, just by letting himself get involved with Jackson.

"So far, so good," Jackson said. He kissed Bell's neck. "Have you talked to your mom?"

Bellamy sighed. "Not since the night of our date," he said after a moment. "She..." God, how could he make Jackson understand without also making him think Bellamy's mom had something against him personally? "She's not happy about the idea of me being distracted from my responsibilities," he said finally. That was certainly true, even if guard training was only one of the responsibilities he meant. "I'll try talking to her when you're feeling better."

"I literally just told you to let me recover alone for a week so you could work," Jackson said. "I'm trying _not_ to pull you away from your responsibilities." Jackson let out a breath that seemed abrupt. "Tell her that. I want you to be happy and safe."

"I told her you're a good man," Bellamy said, turning his head to kiss Jackson's forehead. "I told her you cared about me even when I wasn't talking to you. She just--" Bellamy closed his eyes. He understood why his mom was so set against Bellamy's having a relationship with anyone. He just wished he didn't understand. He wished he could be pissed at her without having to also be fair to her. "I told you what... what she did to get my recommendation for the guard," he murmured finally, trying to keep his voice level. "What I _think_ she did, anyway. I guess she's worried I'll throw all that away if I get too attached to you."

Jackson shook his head against Bell's shoulder. "That doesn't make sense, Bell," he whispered. "I'm not even involved in that."

"No," Bellamy said, "but it...it cost her a lot. She thinks..." Bellamy took a deep breath and then blurted, "She thinks I couldn't have earned a spot in the cadet class on my own. And since she went to such extremes to get me a spot, she's irrational about me keeping my place." He frowned. He wasn't sure he was making any sense at all, especially to someone with a concussion.

Jackson sighed heavily, but shifted closer to Bellamy."M'sorry," he said. "If I could just... when I'm better, do you think she might have dinner with us? I could try to _show_ her I'm not a threat."

"I'll suggest it," Bellamy said. "I really hadn't expected her to react quite as strongly as she did. I know she doesn't like change, but..." Of course, he'd made it even worse with his remark about Grus. As angry as he was at her, he had probably deserved that slap.

Bellamy turned his head to bury his face in Jackson's hair. "I told her nothing could make me walk away from you," he whispered.

Jackson tightened his arm around Bellamy. When he spoke, he sounded like he might be smiling a little. "Nothing?"

"Well, I guess if you suddenly turn into an asshole, maybe," Bellamy teased. God, he had the horrible, wonderful suspicion that he was falling in love with Jackson. Maybe he already had, before they even kissed. What was he supposed to do with this? He took a slow breath, hoping it wasn't too shaky.

"No guarantees for the next seven to ten days," Jackson murmured, kissing Bellamy's neck.

Bellamy let out a choked laugh. "I meant on a more permanent basis. Pretty sure I've been an asshole myself on occasion, and you've stuck around."

Jackson hummed thoughtfully. "I usually have a high tolerance for dickishness," he said. "Mmm, either read or turn the lights out. They hurt a little."

That made Bellamy laugh again. "I _asked_ if you wanted the lights out," he pointed out, but he shifted Jackson's weight off him so he could get up and go to the light switch. As soon as the lights were out, he crawled back in bed, wrapping his arms around Jackson again. "Mm. I could get used to having someone to sleep next to," he murmured.

"Me too," Jackson said, snuggling closer. He pressed his face to Bellamy's neck. "Especially if they happen to be ridiculously handsome and strong."

Bellamy snorted. "I thought Doctor Griffin wasn't giving you anything that would get you high," he said. He stroked his fingers through Jackson's hair, staying carefully away from the bandage on the back of his head.

"I'm totally sober," Jackson murmured. "I did just take a pretty bad blow to the head, but I'm pretty sure I thought you were ridiculously handsome before that. I _think_."

Bellamy hummed in amusement. "I honestly don't know when was the last time I felt this...mm, happy, I guess," he murmured. "You're ridiculous, but you make me feel better when I'm around you." He gave a mock sigh. "I guess I've been doomed for eight or nine months now, I just didn't know it."

"Doomed?" Jackson said, huffing a breath against Bellamy's skin. "This doesn't feel like doom."

"Doomed to fall for you," Bellamy whispered, grinning. Then he realized what he'd said and felt his heart start pounding.

Jackson sucked in a sharp breath, and for several heartbeats, he didn't move or say anything. Then his arm tightened on Bellamy. "Maybe I got hit with the same curse," he whispered.

Bellamy huffed a relieved breath. He'd half expected Jackson to--well, not to laugh at him, but maybe not to believe him. Or to say it hadn't been long enough for Bellamy to really mean that. Or... He shoved the doubts aside. "Yeah?" he breathed.

Jackson drew a deep breath and let it out. "Yeah."


	5. Chapter 5

Jackson felt Bellamy get out of bed the next morning, but he was too tired to complain, so he watched Bellamy get dressed and leave through half-closed eyes. He didn't feel like he had a right to look at him, though.

He needed to tell Abby about Allard, even if it meant Bellamy could get hurt. Whoever had attacked him in that hallway had obviously underestimated the commitment Jackson felt to his patients. To those kids.

In the end, Bellamy was a grown man who could fight back if he needed to, and Skybox kids were unarmed and helpless.

It had taken so long to gain Bellamy's trust, though, Jackson couldn't help but feel like he was breaking it, and betraying Bellamy. So he'd lain in Bellamy's arms last night and tried to enjoy it, even though he felt flooded with guilt and shame.

Bellamy returned maybe twenty minutes later with a tray of breakfast for Jackson, and then left again. The food tasted a little less like cardboard today, but Jackson still didn't want to eat it all.

Jackson tossed and turned in bed for the next few hours, dozing occasionally, but by the time lunchtime came, he felt like he might get up and start pacing. Or pick up the book still on his bedside table.

That was when someone tried to open his door. Jackson tensed, and then someone knocked. "Who is it?" he called.

"Clarke!" called the voice on the other side.

The tension in his body dissipated. "Gimme a minute," he said, and unsteadily picked his clothes off the floor and put them on. By the time he actually got to the door, he realized pacing probably wouldn't have been a good idea, since he was exhausted just getting dressed and walking to the door.

He opened it and Clarke was smiling at him from the other side with a tray of food that Jackson couldn't help but frown at. He wished people would stop trying to feed him.

"Mom got held up in Medical. She was afraid you wouldn't make it to the mess, so she asked me to check on you between classes."

"Come in," he said, stepping aside.

She stepped inside and carried the tray over to the bedside table. "Mom also said to make you sit in bed instead of at the table. I was afraid you'd be completely out of it like you were yesterday, but you look a little better," she added, inspecting him with a critical eye.

"I'm already tired of this bedrest nonsense," he told her, smiling faintly. "I never realized how much torture I've inflicted on people until now." He walked back over to the bed and sat on the edge. 

"Yeah, healing people is totally evil," Clarke deadpanned. Then she sat in one of the chairs, pulling her knees up under her chin. "Honestly, Mom could probably use a concussion so she'd have to take a week of bedrest." There was something anxious about Clarke's expression, but she cleared it and looked over at the chess set. "Mom says you've been playing chess again," she remarked.

"Mmhmm," Jackson hummed. He wondered if Clarke knew anything about Bellamy. He also wondered how long he could ignore the food she'd brought him before she did her best Abby impression and ordered him to eat.

He pushed back in the bed so that he could lean against the wall. "Yeah, I started seeing someone who plays."

"Really?" she asked, drawing the word out playfully. "Tell me all about him. _While_ you eat," she added, arching an eyebrow at him and looking meaningfully at the tray of food.

Clarke hadn't really ever seen Jackson with anyone before, but she _did_ know he was gay, apparently. That was a relief. He'd started to wonder, with the way she liked to draw him, if she'd developed a schoolgirl crush on him.

He frowned at the tray of food, then reached over and pulled it onto his lap. "Evil mothers raise evil daughters, I see," he said, giving her a look as he took a bite of his food.

"I have my instructions, that's all." Clarke waited patiently as he took a couple of bites of food, then said, "So. About your boyfriend..."

"His name is Bellamy. He's a guard cadet," Jackson answered, though his head was starting to throb again. It was probably about time for more medicine. "He's _very_ handsome. Like should-be-in-a-museum handsome." He dropped his gaze to his plate, grinning as he took another bite of food. He tried not to let the lack of taste dampen his expression.

That made Clarke laugh. "Wow, you really have it bad," she teased, but she'd tilted her head to study him. "I'm not sure I've ever seen you look so happy, and that's _with_ a concussion."

"I am happy," Jackson said. "In pain, but happy." _And as soon as I see your mom, I'm going to betray him, so I really don't deserve to be happy,_ he thought, and his smile slid. He forced it back into place, not wanting Clarke to ask questions. "What are you studying right now?"

"Still kidney-deep in biology," Clarke said. "I know I've been watching Mom in Medical for years, but she says I have to hundred percent earn an official place as her apprentice, so no one thinks I got special treatment." She darted a look at his plate.

"Mmhmm," Jackson said. "No shortcuts. Even for you." He took another bite and eyed her thoughtfully for a moment. She did seem to have a natural knack for medicine, from what he'd seen. He wondered for a moment what it must be like to have grown up in a family like hers, and how different his life would have been had he followed in his parents' very blue-collar footsteps.

"Especially for me, I think you mean," Clarke said, making a face at him. "It's okay. I would have to learn all this stuff anyway, if I wanted to be as good a doctor as you guys. Mom did say I could help out some in Medical this week, though, mostly doing paperwork and stuff, so you're not supposed to worry about her being swamped."

Clarke straightened all of a sudden, "What time is it? I don't want to be late getting back."

Jackson glanced at his watch on the nightstand. He really wanted the company, but he knew she couldn't stay long. And if she left, he could stop forcing this food in his mouth. "About one twenty," he said. Yep, time for more pain meds.

Clarke stood up. "Okay, I've got three minutes. Do you need anything before I go? And don't think Mom won't notice if she gets here for your house call and you haven't eaten. Just because I'm not here to make you eat doesn't mean you're off the hook."

Jackson sighed. "I'm good," he told her. "Thanks for coming by. I was getting stir crazy."

She folded her arms across her chest. "You're sure?"

Jackson almost snorted. Clarke's Abby impression was better than his own, but of course she'd had a lot longer to practice. "Yes, ma'am," he said. "Just lock it on your way out. I don't want to get up."

Clarke held her stern expression a moment longer, then smiled at him. "You should let me draw you and Bellamy sometime," she said on her way out the door. "Rest. Mom'll be by in a while."

Then she was out the door, leaving Jackson with nothing but his own thoughts again.

He stared down at his plate, considered dumping his food in the trash for a moment (surely Abby wouldn't check), but then shoved more food into his mouth. It was a physical activity he could do that wouldn't exhaust him, at least, even if the mostly tasteless food felt like chewing sawdust.

By the time he was done eating, the pain in his head couldn't be ignored anymore, so he took his medicine and tried to sleep again, just to stop his mind from racing.

It didn't work at first. He just wound up thinking about Bellamy, and what he was about to tell Abby, and how that would get Bellamy hurt, maybe seriously… and eventually wound up crying softly into his pillow. Which was the exact opposite of mental rest, he knew.

Eventually, though, he must have exhausted himself, because the next thing he knew, there was knocking at his door, and he was jerking awake.

"Jackson?" Abby's voice called, and she knocked again.

Jackson frowned. Had she been knocking long? "M'coming!" he called back, then pushed himself to his feet and walked over to the door, feeling foggy, but less in pain than he had been before he fell asleep.

He pulled the door open and blinked at her. "What time's it?"

"Almost four," she told him, stepping inside. "Go lie down. Did Clarke bring you lunch?" She closed the door behind her.

"Yeah," he mumbled. "Four? God." He scrubbed a hand over his face, trying to wake up, and walked over to his bed to sit on the edge. He didn't need to lie down for her to check him out.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, setting her bag on the table and starting to pull out her supplies.

"Bored. Useless." _Miserable_. 

Abby shot him a look.

"Oh, you meant physically?" he asked, an edge of sarcasm in his voice. Then he sighed. "Head still hurts. Ears ringing slightly less. Food slightly less disgusting."

"Let me get this bandage off," she said. "You've been resting as instructed? Bellamy didn't let you get away with breaking the rules?" Her fingers peeled the bandage slowly away as she spoke.

"No, he didn't," Jackson said. "And I didn't try to convince him to. 'Bored' and 'useless' wouldn't be applicable adjectives to describe me right now otherwise."

Abby huffed in amusement, but didn't reply. Her fingers pressed gently at the swollen bump around the gash, checking to see if the swelling had gone down, he knew. ""How's your memory?" she asked.

Jackson's chest suddenly felt tight. "Better than I let on in front of Bellamy. Not great, though."

Abby quit prodding at the bump and sat back, her gaze sharp on his face. "You'll have to explain that a little better," she said.

Jackson sighed. "Allard didn't attack me, but I'm pretty sure he sent the person who did. And that person…" He looked away from Abby. "I need to report something to you that probably needs to go to Lieutenant Shumway."

"And why didn't you want to tell me this in front of Bellamy?" Abby asked, her gaze still on his. "He said he would leave it to the official guard."

"And he told me he wouldn't get into any trouble," Jackson said. "I'm pretty sure trouble will find him once this goes over my head, though."

Abby let out a short sigh. "Go on. I can tell there's a lot you haven't told me."

Jackson looked at her for a long moment, then decided to just start at the beginning. "Bellamy hasn't been the one picking fights. He's had a target on his back."

Abby's brows lifted, but Jackson just continued, telling her about what happened in the Skybox the other day, about how eager Allard had seemed for a reason to hurt one of the kids, what Monty and Jasper had said about him, and how he'd threatened to report Allard as soon as he was done in medical.

"Then he said something nasty about me and Bellamy, and I told him to float himself."

Abby was frowning thoughtfully, but that made her lips twitch. "I did wonder what made you angry enough to say that to a guard," she said. "You might not remember, but you told Bellamy that part the other day in Medical." She fell silent for a few moments, obviously thinking.

Then she raised her gaze back to his. "I'm assuming you haven't discussed any of this with Bellamy. Don't you think he deserves to know?"

Jackson looked down to his hands, which were folded in his lap. "Thing is, Abby… I don't know who attacked me, or how exactly, but I remember something they said to me." His eyes were suddenly stinging, but he told himself not to cry. "They told me that if I reported anything to anyone, Bellamy would pay the price." He sucked in a sharp breath. "But all those _kids_ , Abby."

Abby was frowning at _him_ now. "You think a young man who chose a career of protecting people, who obviously takes that very seriously, and who cares quite a bit about you, would want you to shy away from justice for those kids just to protect him?" Her voice was gentle, but stern. "You're the one who made it clear to me that I was underestimating Bellamy. You shouldn't do the same to him."

Jackson's eyes were wetter than they needed to be, and his vision swam. "If I was shying away from justice for those kids, I wouldn't be telling you any of this," he said. "They're children. And my patients. I feel a responsibility toward them." He drew a shaky breath. "But it was… so hard to get him to trust me. I've seen how quickly he can build his walls up. And he's been hurt so much. I couldn't take it if he pushed me away over this. I… can you just wait until I'm better so I can help fix him if he gets attacked?"

She sighed, but her frown faded slowly. "I could explain to Shumway that the threats were made not just against you, but also Bellamy. You don't think Shumway would protect one of his own cadets?"

Jackson shrugged and wiped his eyes. "I would hope so. But Bellamy obviously hasn't even reported to anyone that he's being bullied, so I don't… I don't know. I'm just telling you what happened. I trust you to do what needs to be done with it. Just wait until I'm well."

"All right." She didn't sound happy, but she started working on his head again, cleaning the gash and dabbing antibiotic ointment on it. "I trust your judgment normally, so I'll extend the same courtesy now, despite the fact I don't believe you're thinking clearly at the moment. Let me know if you change your mind."

Jackson frowned, ignoring the way her fingers sent pain through his head. "What part of any of that seems like unclear thinking? I may have a concussion, but I feel like I'm making sense."

"All right, maybe I phrased that badly," she said. "But as I said, I'll wait until you're feeling better to report this to Shumway. I do understand your fears, Jackson. But if Bellamy can't accept the fact that the wellbeing of your patients will always take high priority in your life... isn't it best to know that now? I won't mention it again, but I do think you should talk to him about it."

"I'm sure he knows my patients are a priority," Jackson muttered unhappily. "I don't think he will take it very well if he thinks my patients take priority over _him_ , though."

Abby's expression went sad. "Sometimes they have to," she murmured. Then she straightened and smoothed out her expression. "Well, it's healing as well as can be expected. You're remembering the acetaminophen every four hours?"

"Trying to," he said, feeling emotional again. Abby was right. Sometimes his patients did have to come first. He knew that.

His eyes were filling with tears again when his door opened and Bellamy slid inside. Jackson blinked, tears spilling down his cheeks briefly before he wiped his face and looked down.

"I didn't mean to interrupt--" Bellamy began, then stopped. "Everything okay?"

Abby dropped her hand to Jackson's shoulder. "I'm afraid I've been poking at his wound," she said, her voice calm, almost casual. "Just about finished, though. I just need to rebandage this."

Jackson huffed a breath. She'd given him an out, but he sort of wished it wasn't one that made it look like he was that sensitive to pain.

He was silent, though, as she rebandaged his head.

"Can I get you anything? I thought it was too early for dinner, so I didn't stop by the mess hall," Bellamy said. "But I could get some food if you need it."

Abby turned her head to tuck some of her supplies back in her bag, and Jackson was pretty sure she was smirking just a little bit at the overly solicitous tone in Bellamy's voice.

"God, if I let you people take care of me all the time, I'd weigh three hundred pounds in under a month," Jackson complained lightly, though he gave Bellamy an appreciative smile. "I'm going to have to pick up extra basketball games when I'm able."

Bellamy laughed and sat in the chair Clarke had used earlier. "Sorry. Doctor Griffin just said your appetite wouldn't be good for a while, so I guess I default to food in case you forget to eat."

Abby was smiling when she looked over at him. "A natural reaction," she said. "All right, I'll leave you two alone. Send Bellamy if you start feeling worse for any reason. Otherwise I'll see you tomorrow afternoon." She stood up. "For another house call. You're not to leave your rooms for at least another day or two. We have to give the guard time to find whoever attacked you."

Jackson bit back that this confinement was already getting to him, and nodded. Then Abby said goodbye to them both and was gone.

Jackson sighed and looked at Bellamy. "How was training today? Get any shit for being gone to look after me yesterday?"

Bellamy shook his head, frowning faintly. "I expected at least some snide remarks from a couple of the guys, but...nothing."

Jackson blinked at Bellamy for a moment, surprised. Then again, maybe they were really going to lay off of Bell if Jackson kept his mouth shut. Too bad that wouldn't last long, now that Jackson hadn't kept it shut. "Good," he said finally. "I've done nothing all day. Clarke came by briefly, but didn't stay long."

"I'm glad you weren't stuck here by yourself all day, at least." Bellamy sighed and looked down at his boots. "I need to get out of my uniform. Keep talking to me. What's Clarke like?"

He started undoing his boots.

Jackson watched him for a moment, then looked down at himself. He wondered if he should undress too, if Bellamy was going to force him to lay down again. He looked back up and decided to ignore the question about Clarke for now. "Have I told you before how sexy you look in uniform? Even though I kinda wish I had the energy to take it off you myself."

Bellamy huffed a laugh. "I'm glad to know it's good for something. They sure aren't made for comfort." His pack was still on the floor against the far wall, and he fished out a set of civilian clothes, giving Jackson a nice view of his ass. "What should we do this evening?" he asked over his shoulder. "Since you taking this uniform off me is still out of bounds?"

"I don't know," Jackson said. "Just keep me company, I guess. I've slept most of the day." He wondered if he ought to offer some drawer space to Bellamy. Was it too soon for that? This living arrangement was temporary, wasn't it? Surely, Bellamy would make up with his mom soon.

Jackson's bladder got his attention before he could decide, and he sighed and pushed himself out of bed, making his way slowly to the bathroom.

He could almost feel Bellamy's gaze on him, but when Jackson reached the bathroom door, he heard Bellamy's footsteps walking across the room away from him. Bellamy must have decided he was steady enough on his own. When Jackson came back out, Bellamy was dressed again, except for his boots, and was sitting sideways on the bed, leaning against the wall. His gaze was warm on Jackson's face.

"So now that Doctor Griffin is gone, how are you feeling?" he asked.

"Tired of talking about how I'm feeling," Jackson said, and made his way back to the bed, sitting next to him and slouching against his shoulder. God, did he have any right to this anymore?

Bellamy chuckled and leaned over for a kiss. "Noted. Just tell me if you start feeling lousy, and I'll quit asking."

"Deal," Jackson said, resting his hand on Bellamy's thigh.

"The other night you said something about your mom's language books," Bellamy said, his gaze on the bookshelf across the room. "What was she like?"

Jackson smiled faintly, grateful for the distraction. "Smart. Very smart. Her parents were very strict about speaking Hindi only in their home, but she recognized pretty young that if she didn't want to grow up isolated on her Ark section, she had to learn English, so she taught herself. I guess she kind of fell in love with languages then. She was fluent in Hindi, English, and French when she died, and able to have stilted conversation in Spanish." He sighed. "She probably should have been a teacher, but when it was time for her to enter into career training, there were too many teachers. So she wound up on Agro Station learning how to grow soy."

Bellamy glanced at him, impressed. "She taught herself? That's incredible. She must have been really smart."

Jackson nodded against Bellamy's shoulder. "There's nothing wrong with being a farmer, but I know she never felt very fulfilled at it." He shrugged. "I never had a knack for languages. I can say 'I love you' in Hindi, but that's about it. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of her books, though."

Bellamy hummed thoughtfully. "When you told me you'd wanted to be a doctor since you were eleven, I was kind of jealous. I mean, I like guard training, but I've never really known if being a guard was what I wanted, or just what Mom wanted for me." He laced his fingers with Jackson's. "But it must be worse to have a passion for something and not be able to pursue it."

Jackson sighed, squeezing Bellamy's fingers. "Yeah," he said. "She tutored a little on the side when I was younger, but when I told her I wanted to be a doctor, after dad died, she stopped so she could be home with me more, and focused her energy on helping me study. I guess she didn't want the same thing to happen to me."

"She sounds great," Bellamy murmured. "Did your dad speak any of those languages?"

"No," Jackson said. "Just a few words here and there, like me, but he only really knew English."

"So...how _do_ you say 'I love you' in Hindi?" Bellamy asked slowly.

Jackson blinked, surprised by the question. He suddenly realized he hadn't actually spoken the words since she'd died. "Oh, God," he murmured. "I… I haven't said it in so long. Gimme a minute."

Bellamy leaned against him lightly. "Out of practice?"

"Yeah, last time I said it was to her. Uh… _main… main tumse pyaar kartaa hoon_... I think," he said, looking up at Bellamy with a small smile.

Bellamy chuckled. "Your language skills are a little rustier than your chess," he teased, but he squeezed Jackson's hand lightly.

Jackson laughed too, ignoring the little surge of pain it caused in his head. "They were never that great to begin with," he admitted, leaning in for a kiss.

"Mm." Bellamy's free hand brushed his cheek as he returned the kiss. "I'd say you could practice with me, but I wouldn't have any idea of anything you were saying," he murmured. "And I probably shouldn't be making you think that hard, anyway."

Jackson kissed Bell again. "You want me to practice saying 'I love you' to you?" he murmured, then stilled a little at how that might sound. Jackson was pretty sure he _did_ have some very deep feelings for Bellamy developing, but it felt like it was happening so fast. And did he even have the right to feel them after what he just told Abby? He forced himself to finish what he was saying, hoping his tone was light. "Because it's literally all I know."

Bellamy laughed again, though it sounded a little odd. "Guess I'd rather not hear it unless it's in English, anyway," he murmured. "Since that's all I speak." He shifted enough to kiss Jackson more slowly and thoroughly, but when he pulled back, he moved away a little. "I'm probably getting close to breaking Doctor Griffin's rules."

Jackson's chest suddenly felt too tight to breath. He didn't deserve this anymore. "I wish I could let you," he muttered, frowning and dropping his head to Bellamy's shoulder.

"Not like I'm going anywhere," Bellamy said, his tone light. "Considering how long you spent getting me to even talk to you about stuff, I can wait a week or two while your concussion heals."

_And then you might be the one hurt_ , Jackson thought. Before he could stop it, a small, pained noise bubbled up out of his chest and his eyes started to sting.

"Hey," Bellamy said softly. He snaked an arm around Jackson's shoulders and pulled him closer. "What's wrong?"

Jackson made a noise of protest and pulled away. "I just… don't deserve you."

"What--" Bellamy pulled him back. "You've got to be kidding me. That concussion has messed up your brain." He huffed. "If anyone doesn't deserve this, it's me."

Jackson huffed an unhappy laugh, but slumped against Bellamy anyway. Bellamy may push him away in a couple minutes, so he might as well let himself be physically comforted a little while longer. "You only think that because you don't know I just… I just reported something to Abby, knowing it will probably get you beaten up again. Or worse."

Bellamy sighed. "You remembered more about the attack, didn't you? Look, you can't let them get away with what they did, and it's not like I'm not used to it." He tightened his arm around Jackson. "Tell me."

The tightness in Jackson's chest loosened, but was replaced by a dull ache. Was Bellamy really not going to be angry about this? "Allard. He's hurting those kids. They told me so themselves," he said. "They're my patients, Bell. My responsibility."

He felt Bellamy tense against him. "He's _hurting_ them? I knew he was a dick, but..." He made an angry noise. "Damn it. That's--that's not what guards are... We're supposed to _protect_ people. You and Abby _have_ to report that, J."

Jackson slid an arm around Bell's waist, sensing his anger, but knowing he didn't know the whole story yet. "I told Allard I was going to report him as soon as I was back at Medical. And then I obviously didn't make it to Medical conscious." Jackson cleared his throat, ignoring the wetness in his eyelashes. "Other than everything being dark, the only thing I remember about being attacked was that they… they told me if I reported anything to anyone, they'd hurt you." He drew a shaky breath, then choked out, "And I just told Abby everything."

Bellamy went still, and for too many heartbeats, he didn't say anything, while Jackson's stomach churned nervously. Then Bellamy pulled away, just as he'd feared. But before Jackson could think of what to say, Bellamy's hand was touching his jaw.

"You seriously considered keeping that quiet just to protect me?" Bellamy breathed. He had shifted around to look Jackson in the face.

Jackson knew the tears in his eyes were threatening to spill over, but he held Bellamy's gaze and nodded. "Briefly," he said, voice shaky.

"God." Bellamy leaned in and kissed him. "I'm one person, and I'm on more equal footing with those assholes. Those Skybox kids can't stand up to a guard without getting hurt. You shouldn't have hesitated." He gave Jackson a lopsided smile. "I kind of love that you did, but you really shouldn't have."

Jackson let out a shuddery breath and closed his eyes, letting tears slide down his cheeks. Those were exactly his reasons for telling Abby, and maybe he'd hesitated longer than he might have otherwise because of the fog of concussion. But he also couldn't deny he had been afraid, too. "I thought you would hate me," he whispered.

"That's just dumb," Bellamy said softly. His thumb brushed away Jackson's tears. "I'm going to blame all this on the concussion." Jackson felt Bellamy's lips brush his. "I don't think I could ever hate you."

Jackson let out a choked noise. "I hate this," he breathed.

"What can I do to help?" Bellamy asked.

That made Jackson huff a sad laugh. "Nothing," he said. "Abby agreed to sit on it until I'm well, so I'll be in Medical again before they have reason to retaliate against you." He opened his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Bell. You don't deserve this."

Bellamy was scowling at him, but Jackson had never realized how affectionate a scowl could look. Bell leaned in and kissed him again, then settled back beside him, pulling him close. " _You_ don't owe me any apologies. Allard and half a dozen others of G--the guard do, but not you."

"I can still be sorry," Jackson said. God, he was exhausted, and he suddenly felt like crying for an entirely different reason. Bellamy understood.

"As long as you know I agree with your decision," Bellamy said. He exhaled slowly. "This is why you were upset when I came home, isn't it?"

Jackson drew a shaky breath, melting against Bellamy. "Yeah."

Bellamy stroked a hand up and down Jackson's arm, a slow, soothing gesture. "Well, it's out of your hands now," he said after a while. "So you don't need to worry about it anymore."

"Except I do," Jackson murmured, letting Bellamy's touch relax him. "I might have to put you back together again after I go back to work. What if it's worse than broken ribs this time?"

"Then we deal with it. Who knows, maybe if Allard gets kicked out of the guard, they'll start keeping a closer eye on the rest of them, too." Bellamy's voice was low; he didn't sound like he believed it himself.

"Maybe," Jackson said, wishing there was more certainty in his own voice. He turned his head and kissed Bellamy's neck. He swallowed hard. "I've never been this afraid before," he admitted in a whisper.

Bellamy was quiet again for a while, then he sighed. "I probably ought to be afraid," he said. "What does it say that I'm so used to the way they are that I just can't be bothered to worry about it until it happens?"

"That you're too used to fighting," Jackson said. "Even if you shouldn't be." He sighed. "I've never been in a fight in my life. Then in the span of days, I get attacked, my body stops cooperating, and my boyfriend is next." He shook his head slightly. "I can hold someone's beating heart in my hand and not flinch, but this…"

He felt Bellamy shudder. "Okay, I'd probably throw up if I had someone's heart in my hand, so I hope you don't think being afraid of getting beat up is a bad thing."

"Not bad, just… new." Jackson smiled faintly. "I got the impression the other day that you're a sympathetic vomiter as well," he said, his tone slightly teasing.

"You should really consider yourself lucky I didn't puke right along with you," Bellamy admitted. "Blood doesn't bother me at all, but someone starts puking, it's all over."

"I read a theory about that once, said it went back to our cave dwelling days. If one person ingested something that made them sick, everyone else threw up too because they'd likely all ingested the same thing." Jackson shrugged. "I don't know if I buy that, but it's interesting. And goes along with your theory that I have poor self-preservation skills, given that I am _not_ a sympathetic vomiter. I think that's what you said. Mmm, anyway, my first day working with patients on my own, a nine-year-old projectile vomited all over me. Abby said it was a rite of passage."

Bellamy made a disgusted noise. "Now you're doing that on purpose," he complained.

Jackson laughed softly. He mimed holding a notepad and pen. "Note to self: if Bell pisses you off, describe people vomiting." Then he tucked the imaginary notebook back in his imaginary breast pocket.

"Oh, that's just mean," Bellamy said, laughing.

Jackson kissed Bell's neck again. "Those books you read teach you about _psychological_ warfare?" he teased.

"Sure, but I never really took them seriously about using it against your boyfriend," Bellamy grumbled, good-naturedly.

Jackson smiled and let his eyes close. This felt so nice again. From the time he'd remembered the threat against Bellamy up until telling Bellamy about it, Jackson had been miserable and ashamed. But Bellamy had supported his decision to protect those kids first, and this felt good again.

He held his hand out, palm up, and Bellamy almost immediately clasped their hands together. "Promise I'll only use it if you really deserve it."

 

***

 

After a few days, Jackson started _really_ grumping at Bellamy in the evenings. Bellamy tried not to mind, since he remembered how annoying it had been to have another week of desk duty after his broken ribs felt like they were healed. They finished _Foundation_ and were halfway through _Foundation and Empire_ when Jackson declared he was sick of being read to and wanted to play chess just for a change.

Bellamy refused on the grounds that Doctor Griffin still didn't want Jackson thinking that much, which sparked their first quarrel. Bellamy had started flipping through _Leaves of Grass_ and Jackson had retreated to the bathroom, and they hadn't spoken for about fifteen minutes. When Jackson came back out, he found Bellamy studying Clarke's portrait of him that had been tucked in the back of his book.

They'd apologized to each other, but it was obvious they needed a little time apart so Jackson could quit feeling he was being babysat, so finally he convinced Bellamy that he should go see his mother.

And that was how Bellamy found himself standing outside the quarters he'd grown up in, staring at the door and trying to work up the nerve to knock. And that was stupid too, he thought, because didn't he still technically live here? His mother hadn't thrown him out. He'd left. But it seemed rude to just walk in.

Frowning, he knocked.

He heard someone shift inside, and then a clicking, and then there was nothing else for a long time. 

Too long, actually.

Bell glanced at his watch. He'd thought his mother would be home by now, but maybe she'd been held up at work.

Bell let himself in and closed and locked the door behind him. The table was against the wall, where it stayed when O was home by herself and couldn't possibly drag it over the trap door in the floor on her own once inside.

"O, it's me," he said, and he heard her suck in a sharp breath.

"Bell," she said, sounding happy, and then the floor opened up and she sat up, beaming at him.

"Hey," he said, grinning at her. He held out a hand to help her up, and then pulled her into his arms. "Hey," he whispered again. "I missed you."

She was squeezing him tighter than it seemed like she should be capable of. "I missed you too," she said. "I knew you'd come back, though."

"For you? Always," he said. He kissed the top of her head. "I'd have been back sooner, but I've been staying with Jackson, and he had an accident, so I've been kind of keeping an eye on him. He's healing from a concussion."

The word _accident_ left a bitter taste in his mouth, but if he'd told Octavia the whole truth, she'd have wanted to understand why it had happened, and that would force him to explain things he just couldn't.

"A concussion?" she asked, pulling back just enough to look at him without letting go. "What kind of accident? I wouldn't imagine doctors are as prone to head trauma as guard cadets," she said, tapping a finger against his head as she pulled away completely. She couldn't seem to stop smiling at him.

"He doesn't really remember," Bellamy said, "since when you get a concussion you forget stuff. And I don't know what you're talking about; I've only had one concussion in my life."

She hummed thoughtfully, giving him an appraising look, though her eyes were still bright and happy. "You were a mess for a few days," she recalled. "Is he getting better?"

"Getting there. He's better enough we argued earlier, because he thinks he's better than he is, and I know he's not." Bellamy grinned faintly at her. "He thinks since he's a doctor, he shouldn't have to listen to what Doctor Griffin tells him to do."

O seemed unable to not grin back at him. "First fight?" she said.

Bellamy shrugged. "Everyone fights. We got over it." 

Her grin widened. "Did you kiss and make up?" she teased.

"Hey, you're too young to know about that," he teased back, messing up her hair. After being away a few days, though, it was sort of shocking how grown up she looked. She was sixteen. Their mom must have some plan for her. Octavia couldn't spend her entire life under the floor.

She stared at him for a moment, smoothing her bangs back down. Then she snorted. "What's that face?" she said. "I'm sixteen. I've read books where people kiss."

"Sorry," he said, forcing a laugh. "I was just..." He shook his head. "When did you grow up on me? You're my baby sister. You're not supposed to be sixteen."

She tilted her head at him, smiling faintly. "Too bad, big brother," she said. "I am."

Bellamy scowled at her for a moment, then kissed her forehead. "I brought something to show you," he said, guiding her over to sit on the bed. He wanted to have time to hide the picture if their Mom came in, and she wouldn't see the bed the moment she opened the door.

"What is it?" Octavia asked, sounding interested. She sat next to him and gave him an expectant look.

Bellamy couldn't keep from smiling as he pulled Clarke's portrait out of his jacket. "So the other doctor on GoSci station is Doctor Griffin, right? And her daughter's an artist. So even though you can't meet Jackson right now, I thought you might want to see what he looks like." He handed her the paper.

She was beaming at him as she took it, then she unfolded it and looked down. Her eyebrows shot up and she sucked in a small breath. The portrait captured Jackson in profile, looking relaxed and happy. "Wow," Octavia said, almost a little breathlessly, staring at it.

Bellamy laughed. "I know. _And_ he's a doctor." He nudged her. "Out of my league, right?"

"Oh my God, yes," she said, laughing. She glanced over at him, as if to make sure he knew she was joking, then looked back down. "He has very kind eyes."

"He's a very kind man," Bellamy said softly. "I tried so hard not to fall for him, O. I know Mom's right about...about keeping you safe, and not letting people too close. But..." He drew a slow breath and lowered his voice. "I really like him. You would, too."

She smiled up at him warmly for a few long moments, and then her expression faltered and she looked away. "I wish I could meet him."

Bellamy put an arm around her shoulder. "Hey, maybe someday. Mom must have a plan of some kind, right?" He squeezed her gently. "I may tease about locking you in the floor until you're too old for boys, but...I want you to find someone who makes you as happy as I feel when I'm with J. We just have to figure out a way to make that happen."

Octavia huffed. She was still looking down at the portrait, but now she looked unhappy. She leaned against him. "Sometimes I wonder what the point of even having me was," she admitted. "I feel like I might go crazy before I get out."

"Maybe Mom had too much love for one kid," Bellamy said, but the response was automatic. The older he got, the more he questioned the decisions their mom had made, and the fewer answers he had. "I just know I can't imagine my life without you, O." He leaned his head on hers.

"If I'd never been born, you wouldn't know the difference," she muttered. She turned her head to press her cheek to his shoulder. "You seem so happy. And I'm so happy for that. But… sixteen years, Bell. I read about so much in books that I know I should be…" She sucked in a sharp breath and straightened, shaking her head. "Sorry. It's fine. I'm fine."

Bellamy closed his eyes. "Don't apologize for wanting more," he said softly. He wanted to promise he would talk to their mom, but he had a feeling their mom wouldn't be inclined to listen to anything he said. After a while, he said, "Okay...I have a horrible idea."

Octavia looked surprised by that, her eyes widening. But she looked over at him and held his gaze with interest. "Tell me," she demanded.

"Uh. So Jackson wants to try to 'win Mom over'," Bellamy said. "Because it bothers him that I walked out the other night. And obviously I couldn't tell him the truth about why, but..." He glanced over at Octavia, who was watching him. "Anyway, I know you couldn't really _meet_ him. But...maybe we could talk Mom into letting me and J have dinner here. I know it wouldn't be the same, but..."

"I won't make a sound," she said emphatically, almost breathlessly. Her expression still looked unhappy, but also eager.

Bellamy gave her an unhappy smile. "It's a terrible idea, and you _know_ Mom won't go for it," he said. But _God_ , he hated how unhappy Octavia looked. And worse, he couldn't do anything about it. She was too old for piggyback rides and bedtime stories to make her feel better, and he hated that he didn't have the ability to fix her problems any more. "But I can at least try."

She nodded. "I'll help you convince her. If she can be convinced," she said, then leaned against his shoulder again. "God, she's been a nightmare since you left. I know you had to, and I'm happy for you that you were able escape for a while, but… mom's not any fun. And I can't talk to her like I can you."

_Escape for a while_ , Bellamy thought, and felt a sudden pang of guilt. He hadn't even thought about actually coming back to stay. He'd taken for granted that Jackson might get used to having him around and ask him to stay there. Which was entirely unfair to Octavia. "I should have visited sooner," he said softly. "I just couldn't get away from training when I was sure Mom wouldn't be here."

"It's okay," she said. "I know. Hopefully you and mom can work it out, though. I mean, she does seem really sorry, and… what you said…"

Bellamy took a slow breath. "I know. It wasn't fair. I just..." He ducked his head. "Do you think I could have gotten a guard appointment without her help, O? I--I don't think Mom thinks that I could have." He swallowed against a sudden tightness in his throat. "I disappoint her."

"Sometimes I think mom sees even less than I do," Octavia said. "She's so… _fucking_ paranoid."

"Octavia, _language_ ," Bellamy said, imitating Mom. But he couldn't quite suppress his laughter as he said it. "I know you see me better than she does," he whispered, and hugged his sister closer. He took a deep breath. "No one's ever seen me the way you do. And only Jackson has ever tried."

"I love you," she whispered. "I hope he does too."

Bellamy gave a choked laugh. "No way could he love me as much as you do," he said. "Or as much as I love you. You know, you made me the absolute luckiest guy on the Ark when you were born. No one else has ever been lucky enough to have a sister."

It was one of the stupid things he pulled out whenever she was feeling low, even if he knew she would roll her eyes at him, but it was true.

She snorted, and the sarcasm was evident in her voice when she spoke again. "Yeah, being chained by birth to the girl under the floor who could never _share_ this life with you? Super lucky." She drew a shaky breath. "Maybe I love you more because I need you more. If I was a normal kid, I could afford to spread my affection out."

"What's normal?" Bellamy said, nudging her. "How would either of us know?" He'd grown up knowing his family was abnormal, but he couldn't imagine his life without Octavia.

Octavia huffed a laugh. "You would know better than me," she said, then eyed him. "Or at least you'd know how to pretend to be."

Bellamy shrugged. "I guess," he said. "But then, neither one of us knows what it's like to have a dad. Jackson lived with his mom _and_ his dad, until he was twelve. Maybe there's no such thing as normal, even if nobody else has a sister."

"Maybe," she said. "What happened to his parents?"

"I don't know, exactly." Bellamy frowned. "He said his dad died when he was twelve, and his mom died a few years ago." He laughed faintly. "I'm honestly not even sure how old Jackson is, except a couple of years older than me, probably. Is it weird I don't know that?"

"Yeah, a little," O said. "If you love him, shouldn't you know everything?"

Bellamy huffed a laugh. "I want to know everything," he admitted. He paused, taking a long breath, then said, "You're _sure_ you're okay with inviting him here?"

She looked up to hold his gaze. "Yes," she said emphatically. "If it's the only way I'll ever meet him, I want to meet him."

"Okay," Bellamy said. "I'll bring it up whenever Mom gets home, then. _After_ Mom and I get things at least a little settled. Then you can jump in if you want to." He still wasn't sure their mom would go for this plan, but he'd promised Jackson he would try, and the idea seemed to appeal to Octavia.

"Okay," Octavia said, leaning against him again. "She'll be back soon," she said, finally offering Jackson's portrait back. "Tell me how it's been outside these walls the last few days."

Bellamy sighed. "Well, Jackson doesn't have any reason to worry about inspections. And... people come and visit him. Doctor Griffin was there when I got h--back this afternoon, and she didn't think it was weird I was staying there." Shit, he'd almost said _when I got home_ , and that made him realize he'd said 'home' earlier when he was talking to Jackson.

But that wasn't right. Home was Octavia. Wasn't it? Or could home be two different people? Bellamy nibbled the inside of his lower lip and hoped O hadn't noticed his slip.

"That's so cool," Octavia said. She sighed, but it seemed relaxed. "Must be so nice not to be afraid all the time."

"I can't get used to feeling that relaxed," Bellamy admitted. "But it is nice."

Octavia smiled, then opened her mouth to say something, but that was when the door clicked open. Bellamy tensed and felt O do the same, but he folded the portrait of Jackson and put it back in his pocket.

The door clicked shut. "Sorry, I got held up when Isaiah--" Their mother stopped in her tracks when she saw Bellamy, a slightly pained expression crossing her face. "You came back," she breathed.

Bellamy took a steadying breath. "I'm not back to stay," he said, and felt O tense even more beside him. "Not yet," he added, to make her feel better. "But maybe we can talk about that."

His mother nodded, taking a step toward him, and then stopping. She dropped her gaze to the floor, the drew a shaky breath. "Have you been staying with your doctor friend?"

Bellamy knew he shouldn't be too confrontational, but he straightened a little. "My boyfriend, Mom. And yeah, I've been staying with Jackson. He's actually why I'm here now. He doesn't want to come between us."

She sighed, and when she looked back up at him, he wasn't sure if her gaze was disapproving or cautious. Maybe it was both. Whatever it was, it faded after a moment into sadness. She held out a hand. "Can you come here?"

Bellamy drew in a breath and then stood. "I'm sorry for what I said the other night. I was out of line," he said as he went to stand in front of her.

She looked up at him, lowering her outstretched hand. "I'm sorry I hit you," she said, her eyes going a little glassy." She drew a sharp, shaky breath, then stepped in and wrapped her arms around him. "It'll never happen again," she choked out, muffled against his shoulder.

"I know," he said. He lifted his arms to hug her back. "I forgive you." It didn't solve the disagreement about Jackson, but it was a start.

"Thank you," she said. She sniffed hard, then pulled back, brushing away wetness under her eyes. "Will you at least stay for dinner?"

"Sure," Bellamy said, surprised that she seemed so accepting of the fact he wasn't coming back to stay yet. He glanced over at Octavia. "I'd like that."

His mom shifted uncomfortably, and glanced over at Octavia. "Did you finish your studies for the day?"

"Yep," Octavia said, but her face told a different story.

Their mother hummed thoughtfully and looked up at Bellamy. "Do you mind helping her with it? I've had to bring extra work home the last few nights and I haven't caught up."

"Sure." Bell laughed at the look Octavia shot him and sat down to help her.

They got through her work and she told him about the book she'd been reading, and then their mom asked him to come with her to the mess to carry food back. Finally they were all three settled around the table again, and Bellamy knew his mom probably hoped it felt like old times again, but there was a new tension that hadn't been there before.

He glanced over at Octavia, deciding this was as good a time to bring up dinner with Jackson as any. "So, Mom..." he began, "Jackson feels like he maybe got off on the wrong foot with you somehow."

His mother froze, fork halfway to her mouth. After a moment, she sighed. "I don't want to talk about your friend, Bellamy."

" _Boyfriend_ ," Octavia corrected.

Their mother shot Octavia a sharp look. " _You_ shouldn't be encouraging this," she snapped.

Bellamy clenched his jaw for a moment, trying to force back his rising irritation. "If I just broke things off with him the way you want me to, that would be _more_ dangerous than staying with him. He would start asking questions he doesn't know to ask right now. So if you want to protect Octavia, you ought to try to go along with this."

She arched a brow at him. "Let him ask questions. As long as you don't answer them, we're fine."

"Yeah, but here's the part you don't get. I'm _not_ going to break up with him." Bellamy straightened his shoulders. "He's part of my life now. And he's going to stay part of my life. And you might as well accept that sooner rather than later, just like Octavia has."

She straightened too. "I understand. I really do. You're a young man. You have needs."

Octavia actually choked in surprise at those last words, but their mother just darted an annoyed look at her, then looked back at Bellamy. "But this is too far," she finished.

God, had she really just said that? Bellamy stared at his mother, his mouth open. "This isn't about me having sex. This is about me having a _life_. Having someone who wants to take care of me as much as I take care of him. Having someone to spend time with that I'm not related to." He darted a look of apology at Octavia. "And I'm sorry if you've never had that, Mom. But if you want to talk about needs, _this_ is what I need."

She looked profoundly unhappy, and slightly angry. She sucked in a breath and dropped her head into her hands, her elbows resting on the table. "If you could just…" She shifted uncomfortably, squeezing her temples. "I don't know what you want from me, Bellamy. If you want my blessing, that's not coming."

"I didn't expect your blessing, but maybe you could manage acceptance." Bellamy sighed. "He wants to have dinner with us. Obviously you're not open to that, but I promised him I'd ask you. So now I've asked you."

He started eating again, not looking away from his plate.

"Mom," Octavia said softly. "I'd like to have him over. I don't mind. I can't really meet him, I know, but I'd like to know him a little. I'll be quiet."

Their mother made an unhappy noise, but from the edge of his vision, Bellamy saw her shift and start to eat again. "So you want me to have company over and play nice, while you hide under the floor," she said, her tone disbelieving.

Bellamy glanced sideways at Octavia. "I told him we fought because you thought a relationship would distract me from my responsibilities. He assumed I meant my responsibilities training for the guard, like he was supposed to, and now he wants to assure you he has no intention of interfering with my career." He sipped his drink. "And maybe it would be good for Octavia to know a little bit about him. What if something happened to both of us? She wouldn't have anyone else she knew about who might help her."

His mother narrowed her eyes at him a little. "And how exactly is she even supposed to reach out to him if he doesn't know she exists?"

"I'm pretty sure she could make him believe she's my sister in the case of an absolute emergency," Bellamy said. "And no, he doesn't know she exists. I wouldn't tell him even if you said I could, because I don't want to put _him_ at risk for getting floated. Give me a little credit." A thought occurred to him, and he glanced over at Octavia again. "And listen," he said slowly. "If the absolute worst happens, and we get found out somehow? Jackson has access to the Skybox. He's one of the doctors for all those kids in there. And this week, he found out someone's been mistreating some of those kids, and he reported it."

He cleared his throat and looked at Octavia. "I think that's how he ended up with the concussion," he admitted to her.

Octavia had been visibly tense since Bellamy had started talking about what might happen to her if anything happened to him and their mother. But when he finished speaking, her eyes widened a little. "He got himself hurt to protect those kids?" she breathed.

Bellamy pressed his lips together and nodded faintly. "He's a good man."

Octavia looked at their mother, her expression a little pleading. "Mom, what if something _does_ happen to you two?"

Their mother's expression was calculating now, but she shook her head, her gaze going softer on O. "Nothing's going to happen to us."

" _Mom_ , please," Octavia said. Bell wondered for a moment if Octavia was actually worried now about losing them both, or if she had figured out that Bell was trying to make Jackson look useful to their mother and was playing her part. Maybe it was both.

Their mother held her gaze for a long moment, then sighed. "Fine," she said, sounding unhappy, but resigned. "When?"

"Maybe a couple of days from now?" Bellamy said, giving his mom a tentative smile. "We should probably make sure Doctor Griffin thinks it's okay for him to walk this far, but it ought to be before he goes back to work, because his hours are kind of irregular."

He couldn't believe she'd actually given in, but he knew it would make Jackson happy, and hopefully it would make Octavia happy too.

Their mother didn't return Bell's smile, but Octavia was smiling faintly at her plate now as she started to eat again. After a few moments, Bellamy felt her knee smack his under the table.

He nudged her back, smiling.

After a moment, Octavia started telling him about something she'd read, and the change in topic gave their mom time to relax. By the time they'd finished eating and Bellamy helped clean up, he felt it was safe to give her a hug before kissing Octavia on the forehead.

"I'll see you in a couple days," he promised, and left.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Jackson had been stuck in his rooms for five days before he went to Medical to see if Abby would clear him for light duty. His ears had stopped ringing, food was tasting better, and he wasn't as dependent on acetaminophen every four hours for his headaches. The biggest lingering problem was that he still tired easily. He stood outside Medical for a few minutes before going inside, hoping to clear any sign of tiredness from his face, then went in… and was promptly shooed back out by Abby and Clarke.

He scrubbed his hand over his face as he went back to his rooms. He hadn't shaved since he'd been injured, and was starting to look scruffy. Maybe the fact he hadn't even felt like fixing that gave him away. He'd have to shave before he went back to work.

Of course, for now the benefit of the scruff was how sexy Bellamy seemed to find it. The evening before, Bellamy had worked his mouth over Jackson's jaw until Jackson forgot himself and asked for a blow job on the grounds that he didn't have to do anything but lay back and enjoy it. That was when Bellamy told him that he wanted to give his _first_ blow job to Jackson when he was sure Jackson could fully enjoy it, and Jackson had felt mildly guilty.

Jackson had started playing chess by himself when no one was supposed to come by, and then re-scattering the pieces on the table again when it was nearing times that he expected visits from Abby, Clarke, or Bellamy.

When Bellamy got in after work that afternoon, he had a smile on his face. "Someone ratted you out," he said, coming over to kiss Jackson hello. "Abby says you are _not_ cleared for work for another two days."

Jackson's heart sank a little. It had almost been a week!

"I don't appreciate how happy you look about that," he muttered. "Someone ratted me out for what?"

"Stopping by Medical," Bellamy said. "But that turned out to be a good thing, because it actually made Abby okay what I'm about to tell you." He kissed Jackson again. "My mom agreed to dinner tonight. And Abby says it's fine for you to walk over to Factory Station."

Jackson blinked at him for a moment, surprised. He was pleased, obviously, but suddenly flustered. "But it's dinner time _now_ , Bell," he said, getting up and going to the bathroom. "I need to shave, and…" He pressed his hand to his forehead, wondering what to change into from his t-shirt and jeans.

"You don't need to shave," Bellamy said, following him and wrapping an arm around his waist from behind. He grinned at Jackson in the mirror. "You're incredibly appealing just as you are. And she knows you've been recovering from a concussion. She wouldn't want you to go to any trouble."

Jackson sighed, leaning back against him. Bellamy felt nice and strong against his back, and Jackson couldn't deny he liked Bellamy looking at him like that. Maybe he should let Bellamy enjoy the slight beard for a couple more days. "You told her I got hurt?"

"Mm," Bellamy hummed in the affirmative. He lowered his head and kissed Jackson's neck. "I think it was your bravery in standing up for the lockup kids that won her over," he murmured, lips still against Jackson's skin.

Jackson snorted. "I just did what I had to," he said, then turned around and kissed Bellamy. "Thank you," he murmured, kissing Bellamy again. "For convincing her."

"I just convinced her to meet you," Bellamy said, his expression going a little anxious for the first time. "I can't promise she'll...give her blessing, or whatever. But she was impressed with your moral judgment." He leaned in and kissed Jackson slowly, one hand stroking his jaw.

Jackson made a happy noise into the kiss, hoping to distract Bellamy from his apparent anxiety. "It'll be okay. She'll love me by the end of the night," he said, smiling and hoping he wasn't wrong. "At least let me change first."

"Just into a nicer shirt," Bellamy said. "I'm not going to wear my uniform." He kissed Jackson one more time and then pulled away to go change.

Jackson watched as Bellamy went over to where his bag was still on the floor. He was still turning over the idea of offering a drawer, and was starting to feel slightly guilty that he hadn't yet. He'd realized, belatedly, that Bellamy had referred to Jackson's place as "home" the other day.

Jackson decided to let it go for now, and went to pull on a button-up shirt and tie.

He was still fumbling with the tie when Bellamy came back, wearing a sweater and jeans. "You don't need that," Bellamy said, his fingers closing gently on Jackson's. "You'll make me look bad." He smiled and gave Jackson a very obvious once-over. "You already make me look bad."

"She's your mom," Jackson protested, but he let Bellamy tug the tie out of his collar. "I'm sure you could never look bad to her." He leaned in and kissed Bellamy again.

"I think your mother and my mother are very different people," Bellamy said darkly. But he kissed Jackson again, more slowly. "We shouldn't wait much longer to leave," he said. "I told her we'd bring dinner to her. She doesn't like crowds."

"Oh," Jackson said, surprised. This was going to be more intimate than Jackson had expected. He wasn't surprised Aurora Blake didn't like crowds, though. From everything Bellamy had said, she didn't seem to like much of anything.

Anxiety suddenly hit Jackson. He drew a slightly shaky breath, but tried to keep his expression even. "Okay, let's go."

Bellamy nodded and headed for the door. He paused to make sure Jackson locked the door behind them, then they headed for the mess hall. From there it was a short enough walk to Section Seventeen of Factory Station, but Jackson found himself a little worn out at the end of it, which didn't help his nerves any as Bellamy balanced his tray in one hand and knocked at the door of his own home.

Jackson wondered why Bellamy wasn't just letting them in. Then he reminded himself that Bellamy said his mother didn't like surprises.

But if she'd agreed to this, it shouldn't be a surprise. Jackson reminded himself that Aurora Blake was… a little weird.

It felt like they stood there for a while, and Jackson tried not to let Bellamy's nervous body language make him more nervous. And then the door was opening, and Jackson had a split second to regret not insisting on shaving before he was pushing a warm smile onto his face. "Mrs. Blake," he said. "Thank you for having me over."

She looked at him for a second or two, then said, "Come inside, Doctor," and stepped aside. After a moment, she added, "Bellamy says he's been staying with you."

Jackson darted a glance at Bellamy, then stepped inside. "He has," he said, heart suddenly thudding in his chest. "It's nice to have company for a change. And you can call me Jackson. I'm not here as a doctor."

She made a thoughtful noise. "Jackson, then. Please sit down." She gestured to the table in the center of the room, and Jackson saw she'd spread it with a tablecloth. Well, it looked like it might be a bedsheet, actually, but it had embroidery around the edges. He glanced at Bellamy, who was blinking stupidly at the table.

"Yeah, sit down," Bellamy said. "You know Doctor Griffin said you should take it slow." He put the tray of food on the table.

"I'm fine, but thank you," Jackson said. He was actually grateful for the offer to sit. The walk here combined with his anxiety was tiring him out. He moved around the table and took a seat, but made sure to keep his posture straight. "I hope the day's been treating you well," he said, trying another smile on Bellamy's mom.

She looked at him for a moment, then brought a teapot over to the table. "I brought some work home with me, actually, but Bellamy scolds me for working late. Bell, either help me or sit down. You're hovering, and it makes me nervous."

Bellamy chuckled faintly and went to get the teacups.

"Do you take sugar in your tea, Jackson?" Bellamy's mother asked.

"Please," he said, but he suddenly felt awkward sitting here while Bellamy and his mother served him. "Is there anything I can help with? I'm really not going to break."

Mrs. Blake paused then, her gaze steady on his face. After a long moment, her expression softened just a fraction. "No, Bellamy said you were hurt," she said. "Because you stood up for the children in the Skybox. Bellamy had a concussion once--though I expect you know that."

"I do," Jackson said. "He wasn't my patient yet then, but I reviewed his records pretty thoroughly when Abby transferred him into my care." He blinked, suddenly realizing he was talking like a doctor. "Anyway, I only did what was right for those kids. The majority of them are good kids who deserve to have someone looking out for them." He huffed. "Not that the 'bad ones'," he said, making air quotes, "don't deserve that too."

Bellamy's mom hummed thoughtfully, but he couldn't help noticing that she added a second lump of sugar to his tea before she offered it to him. "I'm afraid Bellamy hasn't been entirely...forthcoming...with me regarding your relationship," she said, darting a glance at Bellamy, who was just about to sit down at the table next to Jackson. "How long is it that you've been seeing one another?"

"Well, we've known each other maybe eight or nine months," Jackson said, glancing at Bellamy. "We didn't start dating until… maybe two weeks ago?"

Bellamy grinned at him, though Jackson thought it looked strained. "That was when I finally got you to leave Medical for a few minutes," he agreed, "but of course I'd wanted to spend time with you for a few months before that."

Mrs. Blake was looking at Jackson rather than her son, her gaze frank in its appraisal. "You don't find it awkward, dating a patient?" she asked, her tone deceptively mild.

Jackson felt like he'd just been doused in cold water. He swallowed hard and looked down at his tea. "I-- I…" He curled his fingers around the cup and took a sip. It was too sweet, but it was a distraction. "I attempted to transfer him out of my care when things got… when it became obvious to me that I liked him. But the doctor I work under is also on the council, and wasn't able to take him."

"Mom." Bellamy's voice was full of reproach. "I've already told you I trust J. I trusted him as my doctor, and I trust him as my boyfriend, and I trust him to be able to separate the two roles."

His mother looked at him for several long moments, then sat down at the table with them. "I suppose I can't complain, since you're a grown man," she said to Bellamy.

Jackson wasn't sure what to say now. She clearly didn't approve of his decision to date a patient, and he couldn't tell her Abby had sanctioned it and make Abby look like a bad doctor too.

He became aware that the room was uncomfortably silent now, though. He cleared his throat. "You said Bell scolds you for working late," he said. "He does the same to me." He forced on a smile that he hoped looked natural. "What is it you do?"

Bellamy's mother gave him a look that felt challenging somehow. "I'm a seamstress, doctor," she said quietly. "I take other people's worn clothes and try to turn them into something someone with little pride might be willing to wear."

Jackson was aware of Bellamy glowering at his plate, but Bell didn't actually say anything. He must be so used to his mother that he didn't notice her manner--or so embarrassed by her manner that he couldn't think of anything to say.

By the challenge in her gaze and the fact that she'd called him doctor again, she obviously thought he would judge her. Was she like this with people she perceived as having a more "well-respected" profession than hers, or was this because she just plain didn't want Bellamy dating him?

He kept his gaze as open as possible. "Do you enjoy it?" he asked calmly, taking a bite of his food.

The look on her face told him she hadn't expected that question. She was silent for a moment, then said, "I'm good at it. I suppose I take satisfaction in that."

He nodded. "That's better than nothing," he said. He speared another bite of food on his fork. "Both my parents were farmers," he added. Maybe that would be enough to show her he wasn't as privileged as she had assumed. He might be a doctor, but he was nothing like Clarke Griffin.

"Really?" she asked, her gaze sharp on his. She was silent for a couple of heartbeats, then said, "Bell worked very hard to get an appointment to the guard, you know."

Jackson felt Bellamy tense next to him, but Bell didn't actually say anything.

"I'm sure he did," Jackson said. "I don't know a lot about what it takes to get accepted in guard training, but I'm sure they're selective." He glanced over at Bellamy and smiled at him, sliding his foot over next to Bell's under the table. "Maybe one day he'll be keeping me safe when I'm in the Skybox."

He saw Bellamy relax just a little. "At the rate you're going, you won't need me to keep you safe," Bellamy said, his voice low. "Once those kids know they can trust you, you'll be the safest guy in lockup." Then, to Jackson's surprise, Bellamy reached over and took his hand. "Someday everyone will realize what a good man you are," he said softly.

Jackson felt his face go hot and he ducked his head. "I don't need everyone to know," he said. He couldn't make himself look back at Bellamy's mom now, and he didn't want to let go of Bell's hand. So he picked up his fork with his other hand and tried to clumsily get another bite of food balanced on it.

He could still feel Mrs. Blake's gaze on him, like it was burning into his skin. There were several seconds of silence, then finally she said, "Bellamy has been...very adamant that you support him in his career." Her tone was non-committal, but there was an openness that hadn't been there before.

"Yes, ma'am," he said, looking back up at her finally, even though his cheeks were still very warm. "Abby wanted to pull him off duty to care for me after I was hurt, but I told her not to." Nevermind that Bellamy had also _offered_ to take off his work for Jackson. She would probably just get pissed at him if he told her that.

Mrs. Blake watched him for several seconds. "Being a guard is very important to him," she said finally. "I remember the day he first mentioned it to me...he was young, but I felt it was worth calling in a favor to secure him an appointment." Her tone was that of a woman strolling down memory lane, but her posture was still tense.

Jackson smiled faintly. "He's lucky to have had you in his corner," he said, trying not to think about what Bellamy thought that 'favor' had been. "My mother quit tutoring other kids to help me study when I told her I wanted to be a doctor. I guess we were both lucky." He squeezed Bell's hand and dropped another bite of food off his fork. He was eventually going to have to take his hand back if he was ever going to take another bite of food.

Bellamy made a quiet noise and let go of his hand. He must have noticed how difficult it was for Jackson to eat. "I can still sew a pretty mean whipstitch, though," Bellamy said, grinning faintly at Jackson. His leg pressed gently against Jackson's under the table.

"I offered to take time off after Jackson's concussion," he said. "But J wouldn't hear of it. He let me stay with him overnight, but he flat out insisted I go back to work the next day, Mom. He puts me ahead of whatever it is he wants." Bellamy's leg pressed more firmly against Jackson's. "Which means I need to have a serious conversation with him about his priorities."

His mother didn't crack a smile, but Jackson saw her expression soften just a little more. "He's putting you first, Bellamy," she said softly, and met Jackson's gaze. "That's how love works."

Oh, God. Jackson felt his eyes widen, and he lowered his gaze away from hers quickly. He busied himself with his food for a moment, trying to figure out how to respond to that.

He was pretty sure he _did_ love Bellamy. He might have bolted from this room earlier if he didn't. But it still felt too soon to say it, and he certainly didn't want to say it the first time in front of Bellamy's mother.

The room felt too quiet for too long, and tension seemed like it was coming in waves off all three of them. Jackson reached for something to say. Anything. "I, uh…" He scrubbed a hand over his cheek. "I apologize for my appearance. I'm normally much more clean-shaven."

He heard Bellamy snort, but then Bellamy's mother said, "That really isn't necessary, Doc--ah, Jackson." She wasn't looking at Jackson, though, but at Bellamy. "I am willing to concede that...perhaps...I might have been overly hasty in my judgment."

Jackson felt Bellamy's leg press against his, but Bellamy only said, " _Might_ have been?"

Jackson glanced between them for a moment. Was she admitting maybe that she'd been too quick to judge _him_? It seemed that way, which was a good start, even if Jackson still didn't feel very comfortable. "I obviously don't have a kid, but I'd imagine I'd be very protective." Aurora Blake was beyond protective, but he kept that to himself.

"This was supposed to be about you getting to know Jackson," Bellamy said after a few heartbeats. He didn't sound unhappy, but his words were crisp. "Jackson's mom was a farmer with a genius for languages. I...never met her...and I don't know a lot about J's dad." He glanced over at Jackson with an apologetic expression on his face.

Jackson cleared his throat. "He was a farmer too. He liked it. He was just… sort of an average guy, I guess. A good man." He shrugged. "He got cancer when I was eleven. I watched him go through multiple surgeries and treatments, but nothing helped and he died a year later. That was what made me want to be a doctor."

"I didn't know that," Bellamy said softly. He was looking at Jackson with a warm expression.

Aurora Blake cleared her throat. "That must have been difficult for you," she said. "Losing him at such a young age."

"It was," Jackson admitted. "I was too young to really understand it. I just felt like I should have been able to fix it." He huffed a laugh. "At twelve." He shook his head and took a bite of his food. 

He felt Bellamy's leg press against his, but it was Aurora who spoke. "You seem to have a strong desire to help people. That's...admirable." In his peripheral vision, Jackson saw Bellamy lift his head to stare at her.

"Thank you, ma'am," he said. It felt strange calling another adult 'ma'am', but she hadn't given permission to use her name, and he wondered if 'Mrs. Blake' was even correct. She might prefer Ms. "My mom died when I was nineteen, which was worse because I was already apprenticing as a doctor and still couldn't help her. But… that was five years ago. We used to play chess all the time, so I was really happy to find a new partner in your son."

She looked from Jackson to Bellamy, and Jackson thought he saw her shoulders slump a little. A moment later she straightened and reached for the teapot. "More tea, Jackson?" As she poured, she said, "I...can't pretend to be happy you two began this relationship while Bellamy is still in training, but...I want him to be happy."

Jackson nodded. "I want that too," he said softly.

She nodded, too, and looked over at Bellamy, who looked more wary than happy. But when Bellamy saw Jackson looking at him, he smiled and took Jackson's hand.

Jackson squeezed his fingers and smiled. They were almost done eating, so Jackson didn't bother trying to finish with his non-dominant hand. His appetite was satisfied anyway.

He sipped his tea as the conversation continued in stops and starts. He was fairly certain he hadn't won Aurora over at all, but she seemed a little less tense and defensive by the time they were stacking plates and trays to take back to the mess.

As they stood to say goodbye, Jackson grabbed the stack before Bellamy could, and refused to give it up.

"Thank you for having me, Au-- ma'am," he said, smiling.

"I enjoyed talking with you, Jackson," she replied, and gave him a hint of a smile in return. "I'm sure we'll see more of each other."

Bellamy huffed a breath and kissed his mother's cheek. "See you later, Mom," he said, and led the way out the door.

Jackson waited for Bellamy to close the door before giving Bell a crooked smile. "I'm not positive, but I _think_ she tried to smile at me just then."

Bell laughed, though it sounded more resigned than amused. "It looked like she _tried_ ," he agreed. "It took me a while to get over the tablecloth, honestly." He reached for the trays again, and this time Jackson let him have them.

Jackson hummed a thoughtful noise as they walked toward the mess, trying not to let on how tired he was suddenly feeling. Aurora Blake had been… a little exhausting. "I think she thought I would be more… pretentious, maybe. Which is surprising, because you don't seem like someone who would put up with that."

"I honestly have no idea what my mom thinks most of the time," Bellamy said. "We...haven't really been as close as we used to be, the last few years. But I guess we'll see." He gave Jackson a smile that looked almost as tired as Jackson felt. "Thanks for making such an effort. I know she's difficult."

"I deal with difficult people all the time," Jackson said, shrugging. "I'm dating one, actually."

"Ouch," Bellamy said, looking sideways at him. "I'll do my best to be worth the effort."

Jackson smiled. He wanted to lean over and kiss Bellamy, but he wasn't sure Bell would want him to here in the middle of Factory Station. "You are worth it."

Bell laughed. "Good to know."

Jackson lifted a hand to touch Bellamy's back as they walked, and once they dropped their plates and trays off at the mess, Jackson lowered it again to curl Bellamy's fingers in his.

They didn't have much to say in the walk back to Jackson's quarters, and Jackson felt his mind wandering to the way Bellamy's mother had brought up love… and to Bellamy's bag still on his floor.

When they slipped inside Jackson's quarters and locked the door behind them, Jackson tugged Bellamy into his arms and kissed him thoroughly, his fingers sliding into Bellamy's hair.

"M'glad your mom is warming up to me," he whispered when he pulled away, smiling at Bell.

"Mm, enough about my mom tonight," Bellamy murmured, and kissed him again. "God, you're sexy."

Jackson snorted. "Not like you," he whispered. He kissed Bellamy again, sliding the hand not in Bell's hair to his ass.

Bellamy pulled back just enough to glare at Jackson. "When I tell you you're sexy, you're supposed to say you know you're sexy," he said. "Not tell me I'm sexier. Because I'm not. You're hot and smart and competent and scruffy and sexy as fuck, and you don't get to argue with that."

Jackson stared at Bellamy for a moment, then laughed faintly. "I… wasn't arguing. I'm pretty confident about how I look," he said, giving Bellamy a teasing kiss. "And I know you like to look." Another teasing kiss. "You just happen to look better to me." Another kiss.

Bellamy finally gave a reluctant laugh. "And I just happen to disagree with you on that," he murmured. "But I'll let it go. This time." He kissed Jackson more hungrily, one hand cupping Jackson's jaw.

God, this felt good. Dangerously good, because Bellamy would probably cut him off before things got too heated. And if he didn't, Jackson might be inclined to ask for a blow job again.

Jackson made a hungry noise into the kiss and deepened it, tightening his arms around Bellamy before pulling away breathlessly. "Can we continue this in bed?" he panted. He wasn't about to admit he was tired, but if they could lay down, he'd be fine.

Bellamy made an amused noise. "Sounds like a good idea to me," he said, slipping his fingers into the waistband of Jackson's pants.

Jackson's brows shot up. Bellamy had been avoiding anything below the waist since Jackson had been hurt, and surely he wouldn't be teasing Jackson now if he wasn't prepared to follow through. He gave Bellamy a crooked grin. "Did 'Doctor Griffin' clear me for that?" he teased.

"Yes, and please don't ask for details," Bellamy breathed, his lips against Jackson's ear. "Please." He kissed Jackson slowly, urging him backwards towards the bed.

Jackson let Bellamy guide him back. He tried to enjoy the kiss, but suddenly his mind was racing with questions. Had Bell and Abby really discussed whether sex was okay? Who brought it up? How detailed had they been about what was and wasn't okay? 

Bellamy didn't want questions, though, so Jackson tried to put them aside. For now. "I guess," he panted, "this is one way to help me rebuild my stamina."

"Especially," Bellamy breathed, "since all I want is to suck you." His lips were demanding against Jackson's, and Bellamy traced a line of hungry kisses against Jackson's jaw.

"God, I want that," Jackson panted, pressing into Bellamy's mouth. Had Bellamy _only_ asked about oral sex because Jackson had requested it a couple of days prior? Abby probably would have gone into more detail, even if he had.

_Stop thinking_ , he told himself, letting Bellamy push him down onto the bed and climb on top of him.

"You are so--impossible," Bellamy panted, kissing his jaw, "--to resist." His mouth trailed along Jackson's jaw, using lips and teeth both. "Want you so much."

Jackson sucked in a breath at the feel of Bellamy's teeth, his fingers closing in Bell's hair and then releasing. His body was suddenly thrumming with renewed energy. "Good thing you can have me then," he whispered.

Bell made a hungry noise. "Can I?" he breathed, his lips against Jackson's ear. "Have you, I mean?" His arm slipped around Jackson's waist, pulling his body firmly against Bellamy's.

Jackson shivered at those words, which sent a thrill through him that was both excited and nervous. What had happened to Bellamy only wanting to suck him?

It felt like ages ago he'd trusted anyone to take him, but he'd already promised Bellamy that he was willing with him. And after a week of only being able to kiss Bell, Jackson's body was hungry for any kind of touch. "Yes," he whispered. "Anything you want."

"God," Bell breathed in his ear. "I can hardly wait for that, when you're a hundred percent again." His teeth closed gently on Jackson's earlobe and Bell pulled back slowly, sending another shiver through Jackson. Bellamy pushed back up, giving Jackson a heated look as he unbuttoned Jackson's shirt. "For now..." He didn't finish the sentence, just leaned down to press slow, wet kisses down Jackson's chest.

"For now, this is good," Jackson whispered, arching into Bellamy's mouth. His fingers stroked through Bellamy's hair, while his other hand slid across Bellamy's strong shoulders. "Really good."

He felt Bellamy's breath puff against his stomach as Bell laughed. Then his fingers were undoing Jackson's jeans.

God, Bellamy wasn't wasting any time, was he? "Mmm, Bell," Jackson hummed. "Seem… eager."

"Want me to slow down?" Bellamy asked, sliding his hands back up to Jackson's stomach. He lifted his head, giving Jackson a look full of mischief. "I can slow down."

Jackson let out a breathy laugh. Part of him did want this to last longer. But his cock had other ideas. "Far be it for me to tell you what to do," he managed.

"You're still recovering. I don't want to tire you out too much." Bellamy grinned at him and lowered his head again, kissing his way to the waist of Jackson's jeans.

Bellamy's mouth being so close to Jackson's aching cock was almost too much right now. "You have a point," he panted.

Bellamy chuckled and sat back. "Need to get you out of these," he said, tugging at the waistband.

Jackson licked his lips, watching as Bellamy pulled open his jeans, then he lifted his hips as Bellamy tugged them down.

He expected Bell to pull down his boxers, too, but instead Bellamy bent down again and brushed his mouth over the cloth, hot breath gusting against him. Bell's fingers inched the waistband lower, but he was teasing now.

"God," Jackson breathed, arching against the bed. He tugged Bellamy's hair gently, just to show how much he wanted more, but not enough to push Bellamy for it. He had to remember, even though he was dying for Bellamy's mouth on him, that Bellamy hadn't done this before.

He didn't look the slightest bit nervous, though. Not yet.

"Yes," Jackson moaned.

Bell made an amused noise and mouthed at his cock through the cloth. "Sexy," he murmured, teasing Jackson's boxers down another few inches. "Like getting you worked up." He darted a glance up at Jackson's face, and Bellamy was definitely smirking just a little.

God, no, Bellamy wasn't nervous at all. Clearly, he'd taken notes on any and all blowjobs he'd ever received and was putting that intel to good use now. "Doing a good job of that," Jackson panted, trying to make it sound like a complaint, though he was pretty sure Bellamy would know it wasn't.

That turned Bellamy's smirk into a genuine grin and he tugged Jackson's boxers down the rest of the way...but moved over to kiss Jackson's hip instead of giving his cock the attention it wanted. Bellamy's hand traced circles on Jackson's other hip, but finally his mouth moved closer. "J," Bellamy breathed, and finally--finally--took Jackson in his mouth.

Jackson gasped, fingers tightening in Bellamy's hair a little, and then he let out a low moan. "Yes, Bell."

Bellamy hummed faintly and sucked, working his tongue against Jackson. He took his time with that before beginning to bob his head. He didn't go too deep, but from the faint noises he made, he was clearly enjoying himself.

Jackson tucked a hand behind his head so he could watch more easily, and let his other hand continue to ride the top of Bell's head. He wanted that wet heat around _more_ of his cock, but he wasn't going to dare push it. What Bellamy was doing felt amazing, anyway, and the sight of his cock disappearing into Bellamy's mouth was making it even better. "So sexy," he whispered.

After a little while Bellamy grew bolder about taking him deeper, and finally Jackson could sense some of Bellamy's caution. Obviously, Bell hadn't been _nervous_ about doing this, but he wasn't going to be reckless. He was studying Jackson's reactions to what he did and finding out how far he could go.

"So good," Jackson said, stroking his fingers through Bell's hair. He let his eyes flutter shut and focused on Bellamy's lips on him and the way it made him feel, instead of on Bellamy's comfort. Bell didn't 'know what he was doing', per se, but he obviously knew what he was comfortable with. "Bell," he murmured.

Bellamy hummed in acknowledgement, and he obviously had been paying attention enough to realize what that did to Jackson, because this time he drew it out. He took Jackson deeper still, paused briefly, and went back to the shallower motions, but his fingers curled loosely around the length that wasn't in his mouth.

Jackson let out a low groan as Bellamy started stroking his hand at the base of his cock in rhythm with the bobbing of his head around the top. "Fuck, Bell," he managed, writhing against the bed a little and trying not to let his hips jerk. 

That earned him another noise of acknowledgment and Bell started bobbing his head in earnest.

Jackson moaned, but much to his dismay, the exhaustion was returning again, threatening to ruin this. He was already close, though, his body tight with need, so he strained for release. "Close," he panted. "Hum."

Bellamy did as he was told, taking him in deep and humming. His hand slid to cup Jackson's balls lightly.

That was enough to send Jackson over the edge, and he came with groan. He felt Bellamy pull back quickly, and Jackson dropped his hand away. But fortunately, Bell didn't pull entirely off, just enough to suck at the head of Jackson's cock until Jackson was done.

Bellamy finally sat up. "God, you're sexy," he murmured, and when Jackson looked at him, he was licking his lips and looking incredibly pleased with himself.

Jackson was still catching his breath when Bellamy settled against his side and kissed his jaw. "Oh, God," he breathed. 

"I take it that was satisfactory," Bellamy said, grinning at him.

" _More_ than satisfactory," Jackson murmured. He ducked his head to kiss Bellamy slowly, vaguely aware of Bellamy's excitement against his hip. He'd have to take care of that in a minute, but the renewed energy he felt when they'd started kissing had completely crashed for now. "Talented mouth," he whispered.

Bellamy kissed him again, draping an arm across Jackson's chest. "Good." He trailed kisses down Jackson's jaw to his neck. "Love the scruffy Jackson look."

Jackson chuckled lazily. "I'm glad," he said. "Don't get too used to it, though. Abby didn't seem quite as impressed as you are." He pulled Bell closer, stroking his fingers over Bell's shoulder.

Bellamy made a disappointed noise. "Have to enjoy it for a couple more days," he murmured.

"I'm not going to complain," Jackson said, then nudged Bellamy with his hip. "Let me rest another minute and I'll take care of that for you."

"Only if you feel okay for it," Bellamy said. Jackson wondered if he'd noticed his exhaustion, or if he was being overprotective again. Bellamy nuzzled his face against his neck and sighed softly.

Bellamy seemed so pleased, and it made Jackson smile. He turned his head so that Bellamy's messy hair was pressing against his lips. "Can I give you an IOU?" he murmured in an indirect admission of how tired he was, hoping Bell wouldn't be disappointed.

He felt Bellamy laugh a little, and then he said, "I wore you out," in a very smug tone of voice.

Jackson snorted. "The concussion helped," he teased.

Bellamy's arm tightened around him and he lifted his head. "Can I get you anything?" he asked, and brushed his lips against Jackson's jaw. "How long's it been since you took your pain medicine?"

"Don't worry about it," Jackson told him. "I'm okay. Just want to lay here with you." His head hurt, but not enough to take anything. He stroked his hand over Bell's back. "Preferably with less clothes, though."

Bellamy made a contented noise and kissed Jackson. "I need a drink anyway. It wouldn't be any trouble." He didn't pull away yet, though.

"It's really okay, Bell. I'm just tired." Jackson kissed him again. "Get undressed while you're up," he said, grinning faintly.

"Yes, sir," Bellamy said, grinning. He sat up and tugged his sweater off, folding it hastily and crossing the room to drop it on his pack. He didn't waste any time stripping down to his boxers, then he padded across the room to get a bottle of water and check the lock before flipping off the overhead lights and heading back to the bed.

Jackson had his clothes off too by the time Bell got back to bed, but he found himself still looking off in the direction of Bell's pack even after the lights went out. When Bell settled against him again, Jackson closed his eyes and stroked his fingers through Bellamy's hair. He wondered if he should really be thinking about saying what he wanted to, so he settled with, "Might fall asleep on you fast."

"I did drag you out all over the Ark tonight," Bell murmured. He propped himself up for a second and Jackson heard him taking another drink. "Need any?" Bellamy asked.

Jackson smiled. "Sure," he said, taking the bottle and lifting his head enough to drink without spilling. When he lowered the bottle, he kissed Bellamy briefly, then decided to just come out with what he was wanting to say. "So I was thinking, if you want to, I could clear some space for you in a drawer," he said, his heart thudding. "So you don't have to live out of your bag. If you want."

He felt Bellamy's breathing hitch. There were a couple of painful seconds of silence, and then Bellamy whispered, "Really?"

Jackson huffed a breath. "Really."

Bellamy kissed him hard. "Yes," he breathed. "I'd like that."

Jackson felt his lips tug into a grin. "You don't have to _move out_ of your mom's place or anything. I don't want her to freak out. But I want you to have space here," he whispered, kissing Bellamy again.

"Yeah, she might freak out a little if I moved out entirely," Bellamy said softly. "But I like the idea of having space here." He made a happy noise and snuggled closer to Jackson. "Thank you," he whispered.

Jackson stroked his fingers through Bell's hair, feeling the tug of sleep return through his happiness. "You're welcome."


	7. Chapter 7

After training the next day, Bellamy hurried back to his mother's quarters, hoping she wouldn't be home yet so he could talk to Octavia. He knocked, and when no one answered after a few moments, he let himself in before Octavia had time to do more than shove the table aside. "It's me," he said as he opened the door.

She looked frazzled for a second, then beamed at him as she came over and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "Oh God, Jackson is so _patient_."

Bellamy laughed. "You mean for putting up with me?" he asked, hugging her tightly.

She laughed too. "No. Mom," she said. "You know that." She pulled away. "Did he have a beard last night? He said something about not being clean shaven?"

"He hasn't shaved for a few days, that's all. Since his concussion." Bellamy glanced away, feeling his cheeks get a little warm over the way that scruff affected him. He didn't need his little sister picking up on too many details. "I kind of surprised him with the idea of having dinner with Mom, since it was only yesterday that Doctor Griffin cleared him to leave home for dinner."

And sex. God, that had been possibly the most embarrassing conversation of Bellamy's life. He tried to shove the memory away, feeling his cheeks getting hotter. Damn it. Hopefully O wouldn't call him on it.

He wasn't so lucky. "Are you _blushing_?" She huffed. "Please tell me the idea of throwing your boyfriend to our mother unprepared for her to be awful to him isn't what's making you _blush_."

Damn it. "Nope," he said, trying for a tone that said not to go there. "Did Mom say anything about dinner to you?"

She folded her arms in front of her and gave him a look somewhere between amused and challenging. "Why were you blushing, Bellamy?" she pushed.

"Oh my God, Octavia," he said, covering his eyes with his hand. "There are just--some things I can't tell you." His face felt like it was on fire now.

Octavia laughed. "I'm just not understanding the correlation here between what you said and what happened to your _face_ ," she teased.

Bellamy brought his other hand up to cover his face and admitted, "The scruff does it for me, okay? God." Now he couldn't even look at his sister.

Octavia laughed, but it was softer this time. "Aww," she said, nudging his arm.

God. "Shut up," he muttered, fighting a smile. He really had it bad, and judging from his sister's reaction, that was obvious. "Did Mom say anything about dinner?" he repeated.

"She tried to tell me all the reasons why we shouldn't like him, but none of them had anything to actually do with _him_ ," she said, tugging one of his hands away from his face, and pulling him over to the bed to sit.

Bellamy sighed and followed her. "J acted like it went so well, I didn't have the heart to tell him how wrong he was," he said. "Though I was a little surprised by the, uh, 'tablecloth'."

"I didn't see that until after he was gone. Must've been a last minute decision." She made a face indicating she thought it was weird too. Then she shrugged. "I mean, it could have been worse. After how it started off. She _could_ have threatened to get him fired for dating a patient." She made another face, this one more pained. "But it seemed to relax a little after a while. Maybe he was just trying to be hopeful?" she said. "He seems like the hopeful type. Or… at least he seems like he's willing to take a lot of crap for something he wants or believes in."

Bellamy sighed. "He's definitely the hopeful type," he agreed, "or he wouldn't have even _considered_ dating me. But... Ah, I don't know, O. He doesn't realize just how...how fucking _paranoid_ Mom can be." 

Octavia snorted. "He's a doctor. He's probably smart enough to see that mom is weird. Really weird. Even if he doesn't say it out loud."

Bellamy frowned. "Maybe," he admitted. "Jackson's a really nice man. I don't think he'd mention how weird Mom is unless he thought it was...I dunno, harmful to me, somehow." He frowned, thinking about the conversation he'd had with their mother. "But hey," he said, turning to face Octavia fully. "Listen to me, okay? If something ever happens, if someday Mom doesn't come back, and I don't come back?" He put his hand on her shoulder. "You go to Jackson. He doesn't know anything about you, but he will protect you if you need it." He caught Octavia's gaze and held it. "Because he's a good man, O. He really is."

Octavia's brows drew together. "How, Bell?" she said. "How am I supposed to find him? In the instance that I'm not immediately sent to lockup, or put in the system for… adoption, or something. Am I supposed to wander the Ark asking for Doctor Jackson?"

"Just--" Bellamy frowned, hoping he was right and none of the Ark guard would punish her without checking first. "There are too many people on the Ark for everyone to know everyone else. Just ask someone how to get to Medical, and then ask for Doctor Jackson, okay? And when you get to him, you tell him...tell him things you heard at dinner the other night, like about his family. And tell him the Foundation trilogy--the _original_ trilogy--was the best week of my life. Repeat that," he ordered, leaning in.

Octavia was frowning at him in confusion. "The Foundation trilogy? What does that even mean?"

Bellamy sighed. "Doctor Griffin said J couldn't read while he was healing from his concussion," he explained. "But she said that I could read _to_ him. So I told him to pick a long book, and he picked the Foundation trilogy by Isaac Asimov." He didn't see any reason to mention that he wasn't sure they would finish the trilogy, since Doctor Griffin had cleared Jackson for sex. "And since Jackson doesn't know about you, I'm going to tell him that this has been the best week of my life."

Octavia nodded, but her expression was a little strange now. She looked down at her lap. "The Foundation trilogy was the best week of your life," she said, obviously repeating what he'd asked her to before. After a moment, she looked back up at him, and he saw her eyes were a little glassy. "Was it?"

Bellamy slipped an arm around her shoulders. "No. The week you were born was the best week of my life," he said, pulling her close. "But I can't tell J about you. And he's definitely the second best person to ever happen to me, after you." Bellamy felt his throat getting tight, but he swallowed and kept talking. "So I'm going to tell him that this has been the best week of my life." He tugged Octavia close and kissed the top of her head.

Octavia sniffed hard. "I wouldn't be mad at you if it was," she said. "You never asked for me. You asked for him. I'm… I'm a burden. He's freedom."

"Shh," Bellamy said, tightening his arm. "Don't be stupid, O. You're my sister. I can't even imagine life without you." He squeezed her tighter. "I wouldn't _want_ to live without you. Life with J might be freedom, sure, except I don't know how to live without you. So don't think you're allowed to give up on me."

Octavia snorted. "I wouldn't know how, if I wanted to," she said.

Oh. 

Octavia was usually pretty well adjusted most of the time, considering her circumstances, But Bellamy wasn't unaware of her bouts of depression too, which were understandable. Apparently, she was in one of them now.

"Hey," Bellamy said softly. "Listen to me, O. You are the reason I'm alive." He moved to kneel in front of her, holding her gaze. "You are my sister. No one else on the whole damn Ark has a sister." He smiled at her. "You're the only special thing about me. I need you, O."

She shook her head. "You don't give yourself enough credit. Jackson thinks you're special without me. _I_ think you're special without me." She sighed. "If I could float myself so you and mom could be happy… I would. What's my life worth anyway?"

Bellamy shook his head. "How can you even question that?" he whispered, cupping her cheek in his hand. "Your life is worth more to me than my own. You are so smart and funny and someday I will figure out a way for you to be entirely happy." He sat next to her again and pulled her into his arms. "I need you, O."

The thought popped into his head that the Unity Day Masquerade Dance was coming up soon. Everyone would be wearing masks. No one would question meeting someone they didn't recognize there.

It was a terrible idea, and their mom would never allow it. But Octavia hadn't been this low in ages. Bellamy had to do something.

She sighed and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her cheek against his chest. "You don't need me. _I_ need _you_ ," she said, echoing the words he'd said to his mother just over a week ago.

He kissed the top of her head, wishing he hadn't said that in front of her. He'd meant that for their mom, not for Octavia. "I barely remember what life was like before you. I can't imagine life without you. I _do_ need you. I really do."

She sighed, but he felt tension in her body he hadn't noticed before start to dissolve. After a moment, she huffed an unhappy laugh. "This was easier before. When all you had to do was make stupid faces at me to make me forget for a little while."

"Yeah," he murmured, not letting go of her. Hiding Octavia from the Ark had always been difficult, but he really couldn't imagine his life without her. He didn't _want_ to imagine his life without her. Maybe their mom would be more normal, but she'd needed Octavia for some reason, so he didn't think Aurora Blake would be happy without her. "I love you so much, O."

She drew in a deep breath and released it. "I love you too, big brother. So much."

 

***

Jackson ran a hand over his smooth face and stared at himself in the mirror. He was going to miss Bellamy's appreciation of his scruff, but this felt nice. Normal. And he was going back to work.

He couldn't help but smile as he got dressed and headed down the halls, even if there was an ache in his chest that reminded him that Bellamy was now in harm's way because of him.

They'd get through it, he reminded himself. No matter what Allard and his buddies threw at them.

He stopped by the mess and got something he could eat at his desk, and two coffees, then made his way to work. He stepped inside Medical and smiled at Abby. She smiled back, and Jackson felt his face heat a little at the sudden thought that Bellamy had discussed their sex life with her just a couple days prior.

"Good morning," he said, walking over to her desk and putting her coffee down in front of her.

"Good morning. Glad to be back?" she asked, her tone making it obvious that was a rhetorical question. "I hope you're feeling well-rested."

"I feel like I've done nothing but rest for nine days, so yes. Very much." He walked over to his own desk and opened a locked drawer. If any of his patients had been seen in his absence, their files would be stacked inside. He raised his brows at the rather large stack. "Did I miss anything major?"

Abby shook her head. "Nothing too major. There was a stomach virus going around Farm Station, so we had several dehydration cases that were easily treated. One diabetic coma, which fortunately wasn't severe. I think the rest of those were minor complaints."

She sat back in her chair, sipping her coffee. "Bellamy seems to have taken good care of you."

Jackson nodded. "If he wasn't a sympathetic vomiter, he might actually make a good nurse," he said, smiling faintly as he skimmed a file for one patient who'd come in with a wrist sprain.

Abby laughed quietly. "I'm not sure he'd be quite as motivated to take care of anyone who wasn't you," she said, smiling. 

He closed the file in front of him and gave Abby a crooked smile. "I guess I'll be in luck when I'm frail and eighty and he's still a spry seventy-seven."

Abby laughed again. "I'm sure Clarke will look after you, too." Then her smile faded. "While he was here the other day, Bellamy told me you discussed reporting Allard."

Jackson pressed his lips together, his own smile fading. "I did. You were right, I should have had more faith in him than I did."

She shook her head. "I did understand your reluctance, you know. I'm glad to know for sure that he supports you." She opened her mouth to say something else, but a woman in her twenties came into Medical just then.

"Doctor Griffin? I cut my hand. It won't stop bleeding."

And with that, their brief lull was ended.

Abby got up to help her patient, and Jackson went back to going over his files. He made some notes as he did, taking bites of his breakfast absently. He was more than halfway through his stack when one of his own patients came in for a recheck of something that had happened while he was out.

He couldn't help but feel warmed at the way she gushed about how happy she was to see him back, and told him in hushed tones how much she appreciated his bedside manner better than Abby's. When she asked why he'd been gone, he told her he'd had the flu, because he didn't want her asking questions about how he'd wound up with a concussion.

The rest of the day was spent balancing catch up work with patients, and while nothing major came through the doors, he'd found his stomach rumbling by dinner time and realized he'd forgotten lunch.

"I heard that," Abby said, walking up beside him. "Why don't you go get dinner? Take time to have dinner with Bellamy, if you want. I didn't mean for you to work through lunch your first day back."

Jackson shrugged. "It's fine. Bell said something about working the Masquerade ball for the kids tonight, so he's not even around." He reached over and touched her shoulder. "But I'll go eat," he conceded, because he was feeling a little worn out anyway and sitting down and clearing his mind in the mess for a little while might help.

He smiled down at her and she gave him a small smile back, and then he headed for the mess.

On his way there, alarms started going off in the corridors, and Jackson slowed his pace, wondering what was going on. Should he go back to Medical? Or go find Bellamy? 

When a guard jogged down the corridor past him, Jackson stopped him to ask what was happening.

"Solar flare. Nothing to worry about on this side of the Ark," the guard said. Jackson didn't recognize him and the guard seemed indifferent to Jackson, so he figured he probably wasn't being lied to.

Once he got through the line in the mess with his tray, the alarms had stopped. He found an empty table to sit at and tried to decompress a little.

He'd been there maybe ten minutes when a shadow fell across his tray and he realized someone was standing very close to him. Very close. And not in a friendly way. Jackson's stomach twisted and he looked up to see Allard, a sharp smile on his face.

"Well, well. Haven't seen you around lately, _doc_."

Jackson tried to ignore the way his heart was suddenly racing. "Weird, right?" he said. "It's almost like something happened to me." God, did Allard even know he'd been reported yet? He cleared his throat and sat back. "I didn't realize you'd miss my company so much."

"I thought I told you, I was told to keep an eye on you." Allard narrowed his eyes. "I was a little surprised to find out you're not very smart for a doctor, though."

Jackson lifted his brows. "Oh?"

Allard snorted. "I had a real friendly conversation with my supervisor today. Seems like some not-so-smart doctor told her he had a problem with how I do my job." He shook his head. "And I would've sworn that doctor had been told to keep his mouth shut."

Jackson swallowed hard. "Seems like whoever told that not-so-smart doctor to keep his mouth shut underestimated the commitment said doctor has to his patients." He should let this go. He should walk away. If he provoked Allard now, it might make things worse for Bellamy.

Allard put his hands on the table, leaning into Jackson's space. "It's too bad that doctor isn't as committed to his pretty cadet boyfriend," he said softly.

"Do you always talk so confidently about things you don't understand?" he said, then pushed to his feet and picked up his tray. This could get out of control if he let it go.

"I could ask you the same question," Allard remarked, straightening and folding his arms across his chest.

Jackson eyed him for a moment, then shook his head. "If you have something to say to me, say it." God, this was stupid.

"Oh, I've said all I want to say to _you_ , doc." Allard's lips curled in a nasty smile. "Next time I talk to someone about this, it'll be Blake."

Dread was choking Jackson now, but he tried to keep his expression even. He lowered his voice. "I'll give him your regards," he said. He wanted to throw Allard's words back at him by continuing 'next time I blow him', but he couldn't bring himself to say it. Not because he was ashamed, but because he didn't want to stoop to Allard's level.

He turned and started toward the tray depository.

"You do that, doc," Allard called after him. To Jackson's relief, it didn't sound like Allard was following.

Jackson dropped his tray and half-full plate off and left the mess, heading back to Medical, trying to ignore the desire to find out where that party Bell was guarding was and go warn Bellamy.

But, of course, Bellamy already knew he had a target on his back. So Jackson just focused on trying to get his heart rate back down before he had to face Abby again.

Abby was finishing up with a patient when he got there, so by the time they had a chance to talk, he was as calm as he could manage. They settled in to go over a couple of cases together, and then Abby started inventorying the controlled medications. She'd barely gotten started on that when Marcus Kane strode into Medical. "Abby," he said sharply. "If you don't have anything pressing, I need you for Council business. It's...rather urgent."

Abby shot Jackson a concerned look. "Do you mind covering Medical?" she asked.

"I told you, Bellamy's on duty at a party. I'm free," he said, stepping over to where she'd been working and offering Kane a small smile. "Councilor," he said.

One of these days he would get Kane to smile at him. Today didn't seem to be that day. In fact, Kane eyed him for a moment in a way that made Jackson slightly uncomfortable.

Kane cleared his throat. "Jackson," he said, and left Medical with Abby. Abby was gone for over an hour, and when she returned, she was frowning so hard it looked like it hurt. She stopped in the middle of the room, watching him.

He held her gaze for a moment, waiting for her to speak. He was never quite certain if he should ask about Council business or not. But she kept watching him for long enough that he frowned in confusion. "You okay?"

He heard her let out a long sigh. When she spoke, her voice was low, but clear. "Jackson, do you know Octavia Blake?" She watched him intently as she said it.

Blake? Did this have to do with Bellamy? Jackson's frown deepened. "Do you mean _Aurora_ Blake? I've met her."

Abby let out a shaky breath and shook her head. "Sit down," she said, going over to do the same herself. "This is...going to be difficult."

Jackson suddenly had a sinking feeling in his chest. Whatever had happened, it was serious. He sat in a chair next to her and fixed her with a serious expression. "What is?"

Abby reached over and took his hand. "The reason Kane needed me for Council business is that Bellamy's mother Aurora--" She broke off, then took a deep breath. "Let me start with the good news. The Council has voted _not_ to float Bellamy for his mother's crime."

A flash of shock ran through Jackson, his fingers closing around Abby's instinctively. "Float Bellamy?" he stammered. "What crime? What could his mother have done to get _him_ floated?!" Aurora Blake was weird, but she didn't seem like a criminal.

Abby squeezed his hand gently. "Well, Bellamy was certainly an accomplice, but because the initial crime was committed sixteen years ago, when he was a minor, and because of the extenuating circumstances involved..." She held Jackson's gaze. "Bellamy has a sister. Octavia. He and his mother have been hiding her for sixteen years. And she was discovered today because of the solar flare."

Jackson found himself staring at Abby in disbelief. Bellamy had a sister? How was that even possible? Jackson knew the birth control implants weren't 100% effective, and that occasionally complications required their removal. But why hadn't Aurora aborted the second pregnancy? How had they kept a human being--an infant, a young girl--in hiding for _sixteen years_? "This… doesn't make sense, Abby," he said. "I've had dinner at their home. There was no sixteen year old girl there."

"From what I understand, there was a secret compartment under the floor," Abby said. "There's no question it's true, Jackson. Bellamy has admitted everything." She sighed.

Jackson couldn't stop staring at her. Bellamy had a sister. Octavia. Who lived under the floor. She'd… oh, God, she'd probably been there when Jackson had dinner with Bellamy and his mom the other night. "It's… unbelievable," he breathed. "How--" He shook his head. As hard as it was to swallow any of this, he knew Abby was serious. "What's going to happen to all of them? Where are they now?"

"Octavia and Aurora have been taken to lockup." Abby sighed. "Aurora will be floated in the morning. Bellamy...Lieutenant Shumway said he wanted to talk to him once the Council was finished with him." Abby met Jackson's gaze unhappily. "I suspect his career with the guard is over."

"God," Jackson said, lifting a hand to press over his eyes. He tried to draw a few steadying breaths, but he couldn't calm his racing heart. "I need to go talk to him," he said, standing and pulling his hand out of hers. "I'm sorry, I need to go. I'll-- I'll be back in the morning," he stammered, then headed out of medical.

 

***

 

Bellamy stumbled out of Lieutenant Shumway's office and stopped walking. Everything felt unreal. How could this be happening?

Approaching footsteps made Bellamy look up. A couple of guards were at the end of the corridor. He needed to get away from here. He couldn't imagine how he would explain this to his friends if they happened by.

He started walking again, staring at the floor several feet ahead of him so he wouldn't have to meet anyone's eyes. His feet automatically turned toward the quarters where he'd grown up.

Once he got inside, he sat on his bed and stared at the floor. "This isn't real," he whispered. "This can't be real."

He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there--maybe five minutes, maybe an hour--when he heard someone knock at his door. He tensed automatically, then Jackson's voice was calling from outside. "Bell, it's me!" He knocked again. "Bell?"

Bell took a deep breath and went to open the door. Doctor Griffin must have told him what happened. Bellamy hoped she had. He pulled the door open and looked at Jackson, unable to think of anything to say.

Jackson stared at him for a long moment, looking like he didn't know what to say either. Then the anxiety on his face faded into sympathy. "Bell," he said sadly, and then stepped inside and wrapped his arms around Bellamy tightly.

Oh God. He might never get to hug his sister again. Bell wilted against Jackson, his breathing going ragged. "It's my fault," he whispered.

He felt Jackson shift to kick his door shut, but Jackson didn't let go of him. "No, it's not," he breathed. "God, Bell, why didn't you tell me?"

"They might have sentenced you to float if you knew." Bellamy's heart was racing suddenly. "I'm lucky they didn't sentence me to float. _Lucky!_ " he spat.

Jackson pulled back enough to look at him, gripping Bellamy's shoulders. "What happened today? Abby said it was because of the solar flare?"

"It was my fault," Bellamy said again. He couldn't meet Jackson's gaze. He didn't deserve the kindness he would find there. "I thought--she--" He felt like he couldn't breathe, like a giant hand was squeezing his chest. "She's been so down lately. I just wanted to let her see a little of the Ark. I thought the masks..." He swayed. "I need to sit down," he said, just before his knees buckled.

"Bell!" Jackson gasped, surging forward to wrap his arms around Bellamy to keep him from falling, but Bellamy was either too heavy or had too much momentum by the time Jackson saw what was happening, and they both landed hard on their knees. "Bell, you need to lie down," he said, his arms still wrapped around Bellamy. He pulled back and cupped Bellamy's face between his hands, and Bellamy sat back on his heels. 

"You're clammy," Jackson said. He shifted to Bell's side, and then was pushing Bellamy's shoulders down. "Put your head down and breathe for a minute. I'll help you to bed once you feel less lightheaded." His hand splayed against Bellamy's back.

Bellamy squeezed his eyes shut, but that just made him remember the way Octavia had looked at him right before she ran. Oh, God, he had fucked up so badly. 

"They're going to float my mom, J," he gasped. "Oh God, what have I done? I--" He broke off, choking on the words. He'd killed his mother. Oh, God.

Jackson's hand slid to the side as Jackson leaned down, the length of his arm draping over Bellamy's shoulders now. "Shhh," Jackson whispered, his voice much closer now. "Just breathe right now. If you pass out on me, I'll have to take you to Medical." The hand on Bellamy's shoulder lifted and then was stroking the back of Bellamy's head.

Bellamy tried to slow his breathing. He opened his eyes again, staring at the floor in front of him. "You--shouldn't even be here," he mumbled. "Shouldn't care. I hurt everyone I love."

His breathing was still too shallow but it was getting a little more regular.

Jackson's fingers stilled against his head for a moment, then started stroking again. "I'm not going anywhere," he murmured. "Breathe."

Bellamy exhaled slowly. "Don't deserve you." He swallowed and lifted a shaky hand to wipe his eyes. He hadn't realized they were wet until then.

"I don't see why not," Jackson said, and when Bellamy opened his mouth to reply, Jackson cut him off with a sharp, "shh." Bellamy decided not to argue, and let Jackson stroke his hair for another few moments while his breathing evened out. "Got enough blood back to your brain now? Think you can sit up and get to bed?"

Bell sighed and nodded. "Think so. Sorry." He let Jackson help him up and stumbled over to his bed. He looked around the room, his eyes stinging again. "Wasn't thinking. Should have gone to your home."

"Of course you weren't thinking," Jackson said softly, guiding Bellamay to lay down. "Still a little unsteady. Knees up," he said, nudging Bellamy's legs. "As soon as I'm sure you're not still going to pass out on me, we can go, if you want." He sat at the edge of the bed, and reached a hand out to touch Bellamy's face. "Bell, I am so sorry."

"I need..." Bellamy took a breath. "Can you see the trap door?" he asked, gesturing at the floor. "Need to see if they left her things. Please."

They'd taken his sister, but maybe they hadn't taken every last reminder of her.

Jackson shook his head, but he got down on his knees on the floor. "Tell me where," he said, sliding his hands slowly in front of him.

"Under where the table was," Bellamy said. "She--she wanted to 'meet' you. Oh, God, J." He put his hand over his eyes, trying to keep his breathing steady. "Fuck," he breathed. "Okay, there's a little groove."

Jackson felt for it a minute more, and then his fingers curled into the groove and he yanked the panel up. Once it was open, Jackson sat back on his heels in front of it without saying anything. His back facing Bellamy, his shoulders slumped. Finally he sighed. "Looks like they left her things," he said, sounding far off. "She was here when I came over?"

"She was always here," Bellamy whispered, then cleared his throat and repeated that. "She'd never been out of our rooms before today. I thought the masquerade--she could see Earth, watch the moonrise... I was so stupid."

Jackson shook his head. "That's not stupid," he said, still staring into the hole in the floor. After a moment, he leaned down and pulled out a teddy bear so worn that patches of fur were missing. Bellamy recognized it as one that had been his as a child, but he'd passed on to O. "I can't even imagine," Jackson said, absently turning the bear over in his hands as if he might give it a physical at any moment.

"I wanted to tell you," Bellamy said. "But I didn't...how could I put you in that position? The only reason they voted not to float me was Doctor Griffin. She said--" He coughed against the tightness in his throat. "She said no one could have expected me to turn in my own blood. And that convinced Kane. And the chancellor said it had to be unanimous, so." His breathing was going shaky again, so he quit talking and concentrated on breathing.

Jackson dropped the bear back into the space under the floor and half-crawled back over to the bed, settling on the edge again. He pressed a hand to Bellamy's chest, against where Bell's heart felt like it might explode. "She… she asked if I knew Octavia," he said. "I thought she'd gotten your mother's name wrong." His gaze was sad on Bell's face.

"I told her you didn't know," Bell said, trying to blink back the tears that wouldn't quite stop. "I swore you didn't know anything. I'm so sorry I dragged you into this." He covered his eyes, squeezing them shut. "Mom told me not to-- She said it was too dangerous and I just ignored her and now--" God, he was going to lose it again. Jackson wanted him to calm down, and he couldn't manage it, because every time he started calming down, he thought of something else that made this even more horrible. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Don't be stupid," Jackson said gently. "You didn't drag me into anything. Every step I've taken toward you, I've done it of my own volition. Including coming here tonight." Bellamy felt Jackson shift, and then Jackson kissed his wet cheek. "It's okay to be upset," he whispered. "Just don't forget to breathe again."

Bellamy lifted his hand to cup the back of Jackson's head, then he exhaled shakily. "I tried so hard to keep you at arm's length," he said softly. "I just couldn't do it any more." He took a couple more shaky breaths. "Thank you," he whispered. "For coming here tonight."

"Like I could be anywhere else with you hurting like this," Jackson breathed. "I don't think I even said goodbye to Abby when I left Medical."

"She... I'm pretty sure _she_ thinks I dragged you into this," Bell mumbled. He scooted over on the bed, tugging Jackson so he would follow. Maybe if Jackson held him, he could match their breathing and calm down enough to get out of these rooms.

Jackson didn't resist. He settled against Bellamy, wrapping his arms around Bellamy's chest. "She's wrong," he said.

Bellamy shivered and closed his eyes. "I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't found me here," he admitted. "I don't even know how long I was here before you found me." He tried to listen to Jackson's breathing. Focus on breathing.

"You were in shock," Jackon murmured, lifting a hand to stroke Bellamy's hair. "You still are, I think."

Bellamy's breathing hitched. He steadied it for a moment, and then something else hit him and a strangled noise pushed out of his throat. "You always asked why I put up with Grus' boys treating me like that?" His eyes started stinging again. "Grus knew Mom had a secret. She fucked him for the inspection schedules and I couldn't let him wonder--" He choked on the words and for a second couldn't drag a breath in. When he managed to breathe again, it was a sob. He turned his head and pressed closer to Jackson's neck. "Had to protect O," he managed.

Jackson drew a steady breath, then let it out, his breath gusting against Bellamy's skin. "It makes a lot more sense now," he said softly.

"Oh, God, J, what am I going to do?" Bellamy gasped. "They took O. They took her. They--She's my sister. My responsibility. What do I do?" His chest felt like it was going to explode again, and he felt like he was going to fall into pieces, and nothing he could do would help.

Jackson tugged Bellamy closer. "I don't know," he said. "Wait? I know it's gonna hurt, but she's sixteen. Two years in lockup, and then she's out. She'll be free. They can't possibly float her for something she had no say in. And in the meantime, you can visit her. _We_ can, if you want. And she'll be one of my patients. I know it's not a lot, but you haven't _lost_ her."

"Why lock her up at all?" Bell whispered, not fighting his tears anymore. "She's been locked up her whole fucking life. The people who _love_ her locked her up, and now the Ark is gonna lock her up? What is _wrong_ with us?"

He felt Jackson shake his head. "I wish I could answer that," he admitted, fingers stroking Bellamy's back. "I don't understand it either. If they're going to float your--" He went still for a moment. When he spoke again, the words sounded strained. "I don't see why she can't take your mother's place on the Ark."

Bellamy let out another sob. He didn't know if he was allowed to agree with that idea. Some part of him knew, deep down, that _nothing_ would save his mom. She would be gone. But the idea of Octavia being all alone in lockup, not having him to protect her-- Why _couldn't_ she take Mom's place? But it was horrible for him to think that about his own mother. How could he love Octavia more than Mom? Another spasm of grief shook him and he gave up on any hope of calming down.

His shoulders shook as he started to sob uselessly against Jackson, but Jackson kept his breathing steady and stroked his hands over Bellamy in a way that Bellamy thought might be comforting if there was any possibility for comfort at this point.

"I could…" Jackson drew a deep breath. "If you want me there with you… tomorrow morning… I'll be there."

Bellamy didn't want to think about the morning. He didn't know if he could face what his mother would say to him. Having Jackson there would make it more bearable for him--but what if she said awful things to Jackson? What if it made it worse for _her_? Bellamy didn't deserve it to be bearable. He shook his head, more in dismissal than to say no, but he didn't have the breath to speak.

"Okay," Jackson murmured, squeezing Bellamy tighter. "Let me know if you change your mind."

Bellamy took a couple of deep breaths and blurted, "Why do you even like someone who's such a fuck up, J?"

Jackson kissed Bellamy's hair. "You're not a fuck up," he said firmly.

"How you can you--" Bell gasped, but then he lost it again and gave up on talking.

Jackson stroked his hair, but didn't say anything for a long time. He just let Bellamy cry in his arms until the tears started to slow down again. Eventually, Jackson hummed an unhappy noise. "I wish I could fix this for you," he whispered. "What I _can_ do is try to get on the next rotation for the Skybox. Kids that are new in there get a physical, even if they have no complaints. Sometimes it takes a week or so, but considering your sister has never been to a doctor, they'll probably want her checked out sooner rather than later."

Bell let out a long, shuddery breath. He was exhausted, but Jackson's words made his chest ache again. How had Bellamy earned so much kindness and loyalty from a man like Jackson? Bellamy wiped his face and moved to kiss Jackson's neck. "You..." he breathed. God, he loved Jackson. And what an awful time to realize it. "You are amazing," he managed. "Thank you--" His breath hitched. "--for caring about her."

Jackson huffed. "I care about you. So fucking much. That makes it easy to care about her."


	8. Chapter 8

Jackson was mildly disoriented when he woke up in Bell's rooms, but the events of the day before came flooding back pretty quickly. He glanced at the clock, and shook Bell gently awake.

Bell jerked awake as if woken from a nightmare, and Jackson held him close until he stopped trembling. Bellamy blurted out then that he _did_ want Jackson to be with him during his mother's execution this morning, but that he'd prefer if Jackson stayed out of Aurora's line of sight if at all possible. Jackson hated the idea of not being able to _really_ comfort Bell, but he understood. Aurora wasn't his biggest fan.

They left earlier than necessary so that Jackson could stop by Medical to tell Abby he would be late and to request that he be assigned to the Skybox for Octavia's first visit from Medical. She said she'd make it happen, and then told him to take the day off to be with Bellamy.

When he rejoined Bellamy, who had lingered outside of Medical while Jackson talked to Abby, he clasped their hands together tightly as they made their way to the airlock. Bellamy was oddly stoic. 

_It must not feel real yet_ , Jackson reasoned.

He pulled Bellamy against him for a firm hug before they rounded the corner to where Aurora would be floated, and Bellamy returned it almost absently. Then Jackson made himself let go of Bellamy completely as they turned the corner.

Jackson saw Chancellor Jaha and Kane, along with Lieutenant Shumway and several guards, surrounding Aurora near the end of the hall. He ducked his head when he saw her, and positioned himself a good distance behind Kane, in such a place that he hoped Kane obstructed Aurora's view of him.

He saw Bellamy straighten, his steps faltering for a moment. Then Bell walked on to the end of the hall to stand in front of his mother.

Bellamy's shoulders slumped, and Jackson barely heard him say, "I'm so sorry, Mom." Jackson's chest ached for him.

Aurora shook her hair back from her face and wrapped her arms around her son. "Take care of Octavia," she said, her voice steady. "Like you always have."

"Mom, this was my--"

"Shh." She pulled back, her hands lifting to frame Bellamy's face. Jackson saw Bellamy tense, but Aurora was smiling up at him, despite her wet cheeks. "I always knew I would float for this, Bell. I didn't mean for it to happen just yet, but I always knew." She nodded. "Just take care of Octavia." She looked beyond Bellamy then, her gaze finding Jackson despite his attempt to hide. "And tell your boyfriend everything," she said, looking at him. "He's a good man. Be happy."

To his surprise, those words made Jackson's eyes sting. God, _he_ couldn't cry, so he sniffed hard and straightened, holding her gaze for a moment. He offered her a tiny smile that he knew probably looked painful.

Aurora nodded at him, then let Bellamy pull her into his arms for one more hug. Bellamy said something too low for Jackson hear, then Aurora said, "I love you too, Bellamy. Tell Octavia I love her. And that this isn't her fault. Or yours." She brushed her hand through Bell's hair, then as Jaha stepped forward, she nodded and backed away from Bellamy. "I love you," she said again, and kept backing up, her gaze on Bellamy's face, until she was standing in the airlock.

Bellamy's shoulders moved like he was fighting back a sob, but he didn't turn away as Lieutenant Shumway looked to the chancellor. "Sir?" Shumway said.

Jaha nodded, and Shumway hit the button.

Jackson took a sharp breath as Aurora was sucked into space, and for a long moment, he just stared out into the void. But then he managed to drag his gaze away to look at Bellamy, whose expression was stricken.

Jackson stepped out from behind Kane and walked over to him. He stopped just behind his shoulder and pressed his hand to the small of Bellamy's back. He was well aware everyone was looking at Bellamy now, and Jackson wanted Bell to know he was there if he needed to turn and collapse into his arms, while also giving Bellamy the room to try to keep up the strong exterior as much as he could while they were in public.

He felt Bellamy trembling, but Bell turned slowly, a muscle jumping in his jaw. Jackson saw the burning rage in the look Bellamy gave Jaha, but as soon as Bellamy's gaze met Jackson's, the expression melted into grief and need. Bellamy held his gaze for a moment, then said softly, "Let's go home."

Jackson nodded slowly at him. "Yeah," he said quietly. He glanced around the room as Bellamy started walking. How did everyone here look so fucking calm? Especially Jaha. Jackson shook his head, feeling mildly sick, then followed Bellamy, pressing his hand to his back again.

He could feel Bellamy's uneven breathing, but he knew from Bell's posture that he was trying to get as far away as possible before he lost his grip on his emotions. Bellamy managed it for a few minutes, but they were barely half of the way back to Jackson's quarters before he felt Bellamy shuddering in a way that suggested he was about to lose control.

"Breathe," Jackson said gently, sliding his arm around Bellamy's waist and holding him close. "We can make it. Follow my breathing. Focus on that," he said, starting to draw in long, slow breaths and letting them out.

Bellamy nodded without looking at him, but Jackson felt Bellamy trying to match his breathing. "Get me home, J," he murmured. When Jackson glanced at his face, he saw Bellamy had his eyes closed.

"I've got you," Jackson said. He continued to try to breathe through it with Bell, but he picked up their pace. A few people caught his gaze in the hall, but he shot them looks that clearly said now was not the time to approach him, and eventually he was unlocking the door to his rooms and guiding Bellamy inside.

As soon as the door was shut behind them, Bell let out a noise like he'd been kicked in the stomach, and then he was slumping against Jackson. "Oh, God," he managed. "J. J."

Jackson fumbled his hand behind him to lock the door, then wrapped his arms around Bellamy tightly. "It's okay," he murmured. "I'm here. Just you and me now."

Bellamy took a few breaths that made Jackson worry he was about to hyperventilate and get lightheaded on him again, and then Bellamy wrapped his arms around him, fisting his fingers in Jackson's clothes and burying his face against Jackson's shoulder. He let out a couple of broken noises and then whispered, "Bed."

"Whatever you need," Jackson said, and guided them over to the bed, letting Bellamy cling to him as he stroked his hair.

"They jus--" Bellamy blurted, then sucked in a breath. "Just--hit that--Oh, God." He was obviously trying to catch his breath, but he must have given up on that attempt, because Bellamy pulled Jackson down with him, tugging at his clothes. "Fuck me until I forget," he begged.

"Oh, _God_ ," Jackson panted. That was really the _last_ thing he'd been expecting Bellamy to say. He let Bellamy struggle his shirt off, and leaned down to kiss Bellamy. He kept the kiss soft, though. "You're not thinking straight," he said.

"What else will help?" Bellamy demanded. "I need to forget. Just for now. Please."

Jackson's chest was aching, even as Bellamy's hands roamed his bare chest. He had said he would do whatever Bellamy needed. But God, Bellamy's mother had just been floated. What if fucking Bellamy wasn't enough for him to forget? What if he broke down during sex? What if he was miserable the whole time, and then irrationally took it out on Jackson later for 'taking advantage' of him?

"What if no matter what I do, you can't forget?" Jackson whispered, kissing Bell again and feeling slightly ashamed that his body was taking notice already.

Bellamy sobbed against Jackson's lips and then blurted, "Please make me feel something that isn't pain."

Jackson squeezed his eyes shut at the sudden stinging those words caused. "Okay," he breathed, kissing Bellamy again. "Okay. I--" _love you_ , he almost blurted. He sucked in a sharp breath at his near slip. Why did those words suddenly want to tumble out of his mouth? 

But saying them _now_ felt… manipulative.

Jackson slid his hands up under Bellamy's shirt, pressing firmly against his skin, and started working his mouth over Bellamy's jaw.

Bellamy pressed up into his mouth, his hands clutching at Jackson's waist. "I need you," he breathed, and then one of his hands was buried in Jackson's hair.

"S'mutual," Jackson panted against Bellamy's skin. He slid his hands further up Bellamy's chest, then sat back to tug off Bellamy's shirt. "So beautiful," he murmured, leaned back down to suck at Bell's throat, scraping his teeth over it and moving lower. His fingers started working on Bellamy's pants, tugging them open. "Shoes off," he ordered, hoping Bell wasn't wearing boots and could just toe them off.

He felt Bell shift under him, and then twin thumps told him he'd obeyed. Bellamy's eyes were wet, but he was looking at Jackson with a painful combination of grief and need. "So're you," Bell said, his gaze on Jackson's.

Oh, God, should he be doing this?

Jackson kicked off his own shoes, letting them fall to the floor as well. There had been times, after Jackson's mother died, that he'd buried his feelings in sex with his boyfriend, he reminded himself. It hadn't been _immediately_ after, but people processed things differently. Of course, Jackson had subsequently buried himself in work and destroyed that relationship too, but Jackson tried not to think of what grief-stricken Bellamy might do beyond this point.

Bellamy sucked in a couple of labored breaths, then whispered, "Can't breathe. J." His fingers were tangled in Jackson's hair, but Bellamy was suddenly gasping against Jackson's neck.

Jackson expelled a gusty breath, and pulled back to look at Bell. "We don't have to do this, Bell," he whispered, stroking his fingers through Bellamy's hair in hopes to soothe him. "It's okay," he said, willing his body to stop racing. "It's okay."

But Bellamy was already shaking his head. "I need to--not think--" he panted, holding Jackson's gaze. " _Please_."

"God, Bellamy, you're…" Jackson breathed. "How can I fuck you like this?"

He felt Bellamy's body shuddering against his as Bell's sobs escaped. "But I need--" Bellamy managed. Then there was a long pause before he let another sob escape. "I can't..."

Bellamy's fingers were tangled in his hair, his body pressing up against Jackson's, but his physical actions didn't seem to match up with his emotional state.

Jackson sagged down against Bellamy a little, kissing him softly and telling his body to slow down. "You can't what?"

"I just--" Bell broke off, breathing hard. "I just can't--" He was still clutching at Jackson, but his breathing had gone ragged in a way that was entirely emotional. "I can't--Oh, _God_ , I can't." Bellamy sobbed against Jackson's neck, clinging to him.

Jackson expelled a breath, wishing Bellamy wasn't hurting so much. It was like Jackson could feel Bellamy's pain in his own body. Jackson slid off Bellamy to his side and pulled Bellamy against him tightly. "I know," he whispered, though he still wasn't sure what Bellamy was trying to say. "It's okay. Let it out."

"I can't understand," Bell gasped against his neck between sobs. "How could they-- How can she be--" It was like he had too many thoughts racing through his head to even complete one. "M'sorry."

"Don't apologize to me," Jackson said firmly, stroking his hands over Bell's hair and back.

Bellamy clutched at him and quit trying to speak. He just sobbed for a long time, as Jackson stroked his back. Finally the initial storm of grief seemed to pass and Bellamy's breathing began slowing again.

Jackson ducked his head to kiss the top of Bellamy's head. "Thank you," he murmured. "For letting me be there for you this morning."

Bellamy sucked in a deep breath and sighed. "Thank you for offering," he croaked. He cleared his throat. "I'm glad you got to hear what she said about you."

Jackson nodded. "She told you to tell me everything," he whispered. "Can you tell me now?" He tightened his arms around Bellamy. "I can wait if you need to."

Bellamy took a few more breaths. "You know all the broad strokes now," he said. "I never knew my dad or O's. Mom never said why she wanted another baby. I always..." He sighed. "Always felt like I wasn't enough for her."

"That can't be true," Jackson said gently. His suspicion was that Aurora had become accidentally pregnant, and then chose not to terminate the pregnancy. Jackson couldn't quite understand that decision, but he decided Bellamy probably didn't want to listen to him speculate.

"Oh, I knew it probably wasn't true," Bell sighed again. "But it still _felt_ that way." He paused. "Mom needed me in the guard to make sure Octavia was safe. I never knew if I really wanted the guard for myself or for her."

Jackson swallowed hard. "And… now? What did Shumway say?"

Bellamy went still for a moment. "God. Can you believe I'd forgotten I lost my job along with everything else?" He sighed. "The guard needs 'men of integrity,' not a guy who'd lie to save someone he loved." 

Jackson rolled his eyes. "'Men of integrity', my ass," he muttered. Although, a glimmer of hope pushed up into Jackson's chest. If Bellamy wasn't in the guard, maybe Allard and his buddies wouldn't feel the need to attack Bell now. "Maybe… maybe that just means now you can pursue something you know is for you, not your family."

Bellamy sighed. "Maybe. I... I don't even know what I would want. I don't want to think right now."

"Okay," Jackson murmured. He tucked his fingers under Bellamy's chin and guided Bellamy's face up for a long, slow kiss.

He felt Bellamy melt into the kiss, his whole body relaxing against him.

Oh, it felt good that he could do that, Jackson thought, that he was capable of getting Bellamy to relax even now. He traced absent shapes down Bellamy's spine with his fingertips as they continued kissing.

"What would I do without you?" Bell whispered. He cupped Jackson's cheek. 

Jackson gave him a small, slightly sad smile. "I don't know," he admitted. Bellamy's mother had clearly wanted Bell to keep his distance from people. If Jackson wasn't here, what would Bellamy have done with his mother floated and sister locked up?

Bellamy lifted his head for a lingering kiss, then settled down again, pressing his face against Jackson's neck. "M'so exhausted," he mumbled. "Shouldn't be so exhausted."

"Yes, you should," Jackson murmured. He didn't need to go into just how much emotional exhaustion could affect you physically, though. He stroked his fingers through Bellamy's hair. "Sleep. I'll be here."


	9. Chapter 9

Jackson spent the day of Aurora Blake's execution in bed with Bellamy, for the most part. It wasn't easy to go back to bed for a full day so soon after he'd just been released from his medical leave, but Bell needed him, and at least Jackson was in the position to be caregiver this time, not patient.

Jackson got them meals, and read to Bell, and let Bell cry on his shoulder, but Bell kept exhausting himself and falling asleep for long periods of time.

Jackson hated to leave Bellamy to go back to work the next day, but Abby had come by to tell him he was assigned to the Skybox. By the time the next morning rolled around, Jackson was ready to get out of bed, though his nerves were jumping a little that he was about to meet Bellamy's sister.

He got dressed and ready before leaning down and kissing Bellamy's cheek. "Bell," he whispered, nudging him gently. "Bellamy."

Bell blinked his eyes open. He looked sleepy and miserable, his eyes puffy.

Jackson stroked his fingers through Bellamy's hair, then smiled faintly, cupping Bellamy's cheek in his hand. He brushed his lips against Bell's and pulled back. "Is there anything you want me to tell Octavia for you?" he said, "When I meet her today?"

"Oh. Um. Tell her I love her, and as soon as I can visit her, I will." Bellamy pressed his fingers into his eyes. "Can't think. Uh. Tell her I'm sorry." He looked up at Jackson unhappily.

Jackson swallowed that he didn't need to be sorry and kissed Bellamy again. "I'll tell her," he said. "Promise you'll take care of yourself today."

"I don't even... what should I do?" Bell asked, his fingers slipping through Jackson's hair.

"Rest," Jackson said. "Cry, read, play chess, whatever you feel up to. Just… at least force yourself to eat too."

"I'll try," Bell said. He made a face like he was trying to smile at Jackson, but it looked wrong, and obviously it felt wrong, too, because he let it slide away after a moment. "Thank you for being with me yesterday." He sighed and pulled Jackson in for another kiss. "Octavia already likes you. She'll be glad to see you."

"I hope so," Jackson said, smiling faintly. Octavia might be happy to see Jackson. Or she could be just as much of a mess as Bellamy was right now. "I'll be back as soon as I can," he said, and kissed Bell one last time before leaving.

He met with the guard that would be accompanying him for the day, who was _not_ Allard, thankfully, and they made their way to the Skybox. This guard seemed more interested in light conversation, so Jackson decided he must not be one of the guards that had anything against him or Bellamy, and he was relaxed by the time he got to his first patient.

He went through the sick kids first, with almost no incidents until the last one. Dax seemed like an angry kid, and Jackson knew he was in for murder, but Abby had ordered antibiotics last time she saw him, and she hadn't noted having had any problems treating him.

Apparently, Dax had been biding his time, because as soon as Jackson produced a needle, Dax jumped him, grabbing it and stabbing it into Jackson's thigh, then yanking it out and going for the guard.

The guard had him subdued with his shock baton in what felt like the blink of an eye. "You okay, doctor?" he said, kicking the needle across the floor to Jackson without looking away from Dax.

Jackson picked it up and stood, wincing. "Yeah. That was just antibiotics. I'll be fine," he panted, and left the room. He scribbled notes in his file quickly to order another dose of antibiotics for Dax, with special instructions that he needed to be restrained next time. Next to him, the guard was scribbling his own notes, and by the time they both finished, Jackson felt like he could breathe normally again.

He moved on to his next set of patients, ignoring the painful twinge in his leg.

By the time he got to Octavia's cell, he had calmed down for the most part. Of course, knowing he was about to meet her sped his heart rate back up again. He knocked on the door and called, "Medical!", then let himself in.

Octavia was lying on her bunk, staring at the ceiling. She turned her head when he came in, then sat up. "You're Jackson," she said. Her gaze was dull, her eyes red-rimmed, but she wiped her eyes with the heel of her hand and straightened.

Jackson blinked at her for a moment. "I am," he said, giving her a sad smile. After a moment of hesitation, he went and sat next to her, careful not to sit too close. He had no idea how she reacted to people she didn't know after being isolated so long. "How did you know that before I told you?"

She sniffled and looked down. "My brother showed me a picture of you. He--he said if anything ever happened to him and Mom, I should ask you for help. But I'm guessing you've already done all you can. Is--" She broke off and looked up at him. "What happened to him? All they told me is that they'd decided not to float him."

He held her gaze. "He's free. He's off the guard, and I'm not sure what happens next for him, but he's staying with me. And I'll make sure he's okay." He cleared his throat. "He told me to tell you that he loves you, and that he'll visit you as soon as he can, and that he's sorry."

"Why is _he_ sorry?" she asked, her voice flat. "I'm the one who was born without permission. I'm the reason he lost everything." She slumped back against the wall, her eyes filling with tears.

"Hey," Jackson said softly, turning to better face her. He reached out and touched her shoulder automatically, then thought better of it and withdrew his hand. " _I_ know he shouldn't be sorry, and I'm going to work on getting him to believe that too, but he wanted me to tell you, so I did." He leaned down to sift through his bag, then produced a tissue for her. He held it out. "And none of this is your fault either."

She took the tissue, but she just stared at it for a few moments before wiping her eyes with it. "He and Mom would have been better off without me. You make him happier than I ever did." She hunched her shoulders. "I shouldn't have gone to the dance. Bell only offered because he knew how unhappy I was. Ah--" She let out a ragged breath that was almost a sob, then pulled her knees up to her chest. "They didn't--They didn't even let me say goodbye to Mom. Did...Is..." She looked at him. "Did they already..."

Jackson nodded. "Yesterday morning," he told her. "Bell was there. She seemed… calm. Like she'd accepted it a long time ago. She said it wasn't either of your faults."

Octavia's face crumbled for a moment, but even though her eyes filled with tears again, she didn't actually cry. She squeezed her eyes shut and put her face in her hands, and whispered, "I am not afraid. I am not afraid. I am not--" Then she choked on the words and began to cry.

Oh, God. Jackson felt his eyes sting, and he touched her shoulder again, this time not pulling away. "Can I--" he managed, then swallowed hard. "Am I allowed to hug you, Octavia?"

She answered by throwing herself into his arms, burying her face against his chest.

Jackson wrapped his arms around her and held her tight, resting his chin on the top of her head. "You don't need to be afraid," he said. "Bell would do anything for you, and I will too." He'd just met Octavia, sure, but he already felt connected to her through Bellamy. If Bellamy would bear so much to protect his sister for so long, she must be worth it. 

He stroked his hand over her hair and glanced over at the guard just inside the door. He looked utterly confused, but Jackson just gave him an apologetic look and went back to holding Octavia.

"Will you tell him I love him?" she asked, her voice muffled. "Tell him I'll be brave."

"Of course I will. I'll tell him anything you want," he said.

She sniffled and pulled back a little, wiping her face with the crumpled tissue he'd given her. "Tell him I order him to be happy," she said, sounding miserable. She scrubbed her hand over her eyes. "We used to play a game," she explained. "Because he named me after the emperor's sister. He was my bodyguard and I gave him quests and ordered him to do things." She sighed.

For some reason, that made Jackson smile _and_ get teary, and he was only slightly aware of being grateful he had his back to the guard. Bellamy named her? Bellamy played a game with her where he was her _bodyguard_ and took orders from her? _God_ Bellamy loved her. "I'll tell him," he said, not bothering to hide the emotion in his voice. "I promise."

Octavia hugged him again. "Thank you," she whispered. "And--and you help him be happy. He really likes you." She sniffled. "I like you. I liked you before I met you because you made him happy." Her voice was wobbly, but he didn't think she was actually crying.

"Thank you," he said, squeezing her. "I like you too. Because you make him happy. Because he needs you." He paused for a moment, wondering if he might be able to make her smile. He wanted to make her smile just because he did, but he also didn't want to start examining her while she was miserable. So he sucked in a breath and added, "And clearly you and Bellamy were both hit with the Pretty Stick one too many times."

She snorted and pulled back to give him a look, but when he just looked back at her, his expression sincere, she huffed and, with a hint of reluctance, let one corner of her mouth curve up. "That's ridiculous," she told him.

"Not at all," he said, allowing himself to smile at her faintly. Then he shifted to kneel in front of her, sifting through his bag again. "Girls were never my thing, but I can appreciate beauty in all its forms." He pulled out a blood pressure cuff. "Do you… know anything about physical examinations? I can talk you through it all, if you need it."

"I've never had a doctor before," Octavia told him. "Tell me everything. I'm curious. There's so much I don't know."

"I know. I didn't know if Bell and your mom taught you about anything medical, though," he said, a little sad for her, but then explained the blood pressure cuff before wrapping it around her arm and taking her blood pressure, which was very normal.

He pulled it off, and started to take her pulse, which she tried to chatter through. He smiled and pressed his finger to his mouth to silence her, then looked at his watch and counted until he had the number he was looking for. He explained it after.

He listened to her heart and lungs, and everything seemed normal, then he drew back and held her gaze. "They want a full blood panel on you," he said. "I'll have to stick you with a needle, and I know that scares a lot of people. But it just stings for a moment, I promise."

Octavia shrugged. "I've poked myself with needles before," she said. "Mom taught me to sew so I could help her with her work."

Jackson nodded, but settled his hands on her shoulders. "Different kind of needle. This one is hollow so I can collect your blood through it."

"Why collect my blood?" she asked, offering him her hand.

"It'll tell us a lot about your health," he said. "Right now, your file is blank, which is unheard of for a girl your age. I don't expect to find anything wrong, but your blood will tell us everything. Well, at least it will tell us if we need to look at anything else."

He took her offered hand. "It could be worse. I could be asking for your poop."

She gave him a startled laugh. "Really? Gross. Ugh." She watched him prepare to take the blood sample, tying off her arm and feeling for a vein, then lifted her gaze to his face. "Did you meet Bellamy because you did all this for him?" Her gaze was sharp on his face. Jackson suspected she wanted to be distracted from what he was doing.

He swabbed her inner elbow and positioned the needle. "This will hurt. Just a tiny bit. Slight pinch. Stay still," he said, his fingers pulsing against the vein in her arm one more time. "I met Bellamy in medical, yeah," he said. "He was hurt from training," he said. "Do you want warning before I do this?" he asked, then pushed the needle in before she could respond because she clearly didn't.

She hissed, but didn't twitch. After a moment she said, "He always said it was training accidents, but I wasn't sure I always believed him. He used that same tone of voice when he was lying to Mom."

Jackson calmly collected a few vials of blood. "I'm actually not allowed to disclose any details about why I was treating him." It was true. It had the added benefit of him not having to expose Bell's abuse to her if he didn't want it exposed, though. "Not quite done," he said as he released the strap around her upper arm. "You have good veins." He darted a small smile at her, then looked back at the last vial he was filling.

"I don't know a lot about how to talk to other people, but I'm guessing that's a doctor compliment and not a normal person compliment?" Her tone was amused, which Jackson thought was an accomplishment.

He smiled at her again. "Are you implying doctors aren't normal people?" he teased gently. He sealed the last vial, removed the needle and bandaged her inner elbow.

"Well, so far you and the other doctor, the woman, have been the nicest people to me. So maybe you aren't normal." She was studying his face. "And Bellamy fell for you, even though he never falls for anyone." She tipped her head to one side, her expression considering. "Definitely not normal people."

Jackson sat back on his heels, still crouched in front of her. "Maybe you're right," he said. "But there are a lot of nice people around, so don't assume everyone will be cruel just because they put you in here. You know what they say about assuming things?"

"Bell says it makes an ass out of you and me," she said, and that earned Jackson her first genuine smile.

Jackson nodded and smiled back at her, reaching out to clasp her hands between his. "I'm really glad I got to meet you."

Octavia kept smiling at him for a few moments, then it slowly faded. "I just wish we could have met without all the bad stuff happening," she said softly. "You'll take care of Bellamy for me?"

"Of course," he said, giving her hands a squeeze and then letting go to repack his medical kit. When he stood to leave, his leg twinged and threatened to give out, but didn't. "If you have any problems, ask for me. I can probably find an excuse to come see you," he told her, then tugged her gently to her feet to give her a brief hug before leaving.

The guard was full of questions about why Octavia had gotten such special treatment, but Jackson brushed them off for the most part. By the time he reported back to medical on the Skybox kids, it was near dinner time.

He stopped by the mess and got food for himself and Bellamy (just in case), then went back to his rooms. When he came inside, Bellamy was asleep in bed, clutching the teddy bear Jackson had found under the floor in Bellamy's quarters. He was surprised Bellamy didn't rouse when the door opened, but then Jackson saw a half-empty bottle on the bedside table.

Jackson sighed, dropping their food off at the table. He walked to the bed and sniffed the bottle to confirm it was, in fact, moonshine, then flopped down on the edge of the bed hard enough to jolt Bellamy awake.

"Octavia says she loves you, that she'll be strong, and that she _orders_ you to be happy."

Bellamy sat up, rubbing his hands over his face. "Orders me, huh?" he mumbled, his voice rough from sleep. He pulled his knees up and draped his arms over his knees. "How is she really?"

"She's obviously not very happy, but no one should expect her to be," Jackson said, watching Bell. "But as far as I know right now, until her lab results come back, she's perfectly healthy, and I managed to get her to smile at least a little."

Bellamy lifted his head and gave Jackson a small smile. "Yeah? She smiled at you?" He didn't seem to realize he was still holding the teddy bear.

Jackson returned Bellamy's smile with one of his own, letting it look just slightly smug. "I even stole a couple of hugs," he said.

Bellamy opened his mouth, then checked himself. After a moment, he murmured, "You're amazing." He moved to wrap his arms around Jackson, pressing his head against Jackson's shoulder. "I'm _so_ glad she could talk to you today. Thank you. Thank you so much."

Jackson held Bellamy tightly, turning his head to kiss Bellamy's hair. "It was my pleasure," he murmured. He drew a deep breath and let it out. "When she gets out, we're really going to have to keep an eye on the boys, aren't we?"

Bellamy huffed a noise that might have been amused. "I used to tease her I was going to keep her hidden until she was too old for boys. She never thought that was very funny." Jackson felt him take a couple of deep breaths. "I don't know what either of us would do without you."

"You'd figure something out," Jackson said, pulling back enough to look at Bell. "I'm glad you don't have to, though." He leaned in for a kiss that tasted like alcohol, then pulled away with a sigh. "Have you had dinner?"

"I ate lunch late." Bellamy rubbed his hand through his hair frowning. "Gillmer and Barton were in the mess when I went in. That was..." He shrugged. "Awkward. Crappy. What time is it?"

"A little after six." Jackson looked over at the bottle. "I'd ask you to have dinner with me, but… How drunk are you, on a scale of one to 'I might throw up if I try to eat'?"

Bellamy huffed a laugh. "Um...five? Ish? I definitely had more than I usually do, but I guess I've been asleep about three hours or so. I was reading..." He looked around and then realized the teddy bear had fallen in his lap. "Huh. I stopped by to get some of O's stuff after lunch." He picked up the bear and looked sadly at it.

"I see that," Jackson said, running a hand over his thigh where a lump had been forming for the last couple hours. He should probably ice it, but he didn't really want to explain to Bellamy what had happened. Then again, Bellamy might see it when they went to bed tonight.

Jackson sighed and stood, walking over to the table to eat. "I brought you a tray, if you're hungry," he said, starting to poke around his plate with his fork. "How were Gillmer and Barton crappy?"

" _They_ weren't crappy, so much." Bell followed him over to the table and settled down across from Jackson. "It was just...crappy because I'm not one of them anymore. They were awkward about it, you know?"

Jackson hummed a thoughtful noise as he chewed, tilting his head at Bellamy. "They'll come around," he said. "And if they don't, they didn't deserve your friendship to begin with."

"Nah, they're good guys, really," Bellamy said. "I think they just aren't sure what to...y'know, how to be around me." He looked at the food Jackson had brought him and tentatively took a couple of bites.

Jackson took another bite of his food. He wanted to say _he_ wasn't sure how to to be around Bellamy after first learning about what had happened, but that as soon as he was face to face with Bell, he knew what he had to do. Of course, that wasn't fair, though. Platonic relationships were different from relationships where _love_ was involved. "They'll come around then," he said, hoping it would be true.

Bellamy nodded slowly. "I hope so. They'd sometimes step in when Grus' boys got out of hand. And I liked playing basketball with them." He swallowed another bite of his food and then huffed an unhappy laugh. "Maybe you actually have it easier, since all you have to do is hug me and let me cry on you." When he looked up at Jackson, his gaze was warm, despite the grief that hadn't really left his face for three days.

Jackson tilted his head, considering. "Yeah," he said quietly. "But I don't think so." He took another bite and didn't drop Bell's gaze when Bell gave him a curious look. He swallowed and said, "I think distance is easier actually."

Bell looked at him for several heartbeats, but finally said, "How?" The question sounded reluctant.

Jackson shrugged, half-wishing he hadn't started this conversation. "You risked everything," he said, "to take Octavia to a party to make her feel less sad." Jackson sniffed. "I know it's not the same with me, but I know that when someone you care about hurts deeply, you feel it in your own body." He reached across the table to curl his fingers around Bell's. "I feel it."

Bellamy opened his mouth, then closed it and just squeezed Jackson's hand. After a moment, he cleared his throat, and when Jackson looked up, he saw Bellamy's eyes were a little wet. "I wish I knew how to not let you feel it, but I--I'm grateful that you do. It's..." Bell looked down at their hands. "It's not _easier_ because you care, exactly, but...I can bear it because you do. I wish I could make you feel how grateful I am that you didn't disappear when this happened."

"Why would I disappear?" Jackson said. His fingers gripped Bell's tighter. "None of it was your fault."

Bell shrugged. "Mom told me once that my father disappeared when she got pregnant because they weren't married and he apparently didn't want to be. And I know you're not that kind of person, but...there are plenty of people who would have just vanished once they realized something was hard." He shrugged again and started eating with his free hand.

Jackson gave Bellamy a painful smile. God, he couldn't imagine what it felt like to be abandoned by his own father. "I'm not scared of hard, Bellamy," he said. "I embrace hard."

That made Bellamy snort. "Somehow that doesn't surprise me. I'm not sure you would have put up with me being surly at you for eight months and still decided you wanted in on this, otherwise." He looked down at his plate and shoved another forkful of food in his mouth.

Jackson sighed, squeezing Bell's hand. "Would you mind getting me some ice?" he said, then immediately held a hand up. "I'm fine. I don't want to talk. Just… ice would be nice."

Bellamy frowned at him, but he got up without speaking and went to get the ice. When he came back, he had a bottle of water with him along with the ice. "Today I tried to think about what to do with myself. With my life." He held out the ice, not asking any questions, but Jackson couldn't help feel like the change in topics was some sort of rebuke. "I still don't know what I want."

Jackson took the ice and rested it on his thigh over the burning lump. "Okay," he said. "What do you like other than history and war?" He wondered if Bell could enter the teaching program at his age. Octavia was clearly smart, and Jackson couldn't imagine Bellamy didn't have something to do with that.

Now that he thought about it, was Bell too old, even at twenty-one, to enter any of the professions that required more training? God, they were going to assign Bell some rudimentary job soon if he didn't insist on more, weren't they?

Fuck. Jackson tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach and took another bite.

"It's not that I like _war_ so much as military history and tactics," Bellamy said. "Which isn't exactly something people care much about on the Ark." He rubbed his forehead. "Thing is...I guess if I could think of something I wanted, I might like doing something with history, but teaching is the only thing I can think of, and..." He shook his head and took a long drink of water.

"You should talk to someone about teaching then," Jackson said. "Sooner rather than later." Maybe they could make an exception for Bellamy and let him into the program late.

Bell sighed. "I have a feeling they'll tell me I should have decided that about five years ago," he said, looking up to meet Jackson's gaze. "And even if they were willing to count my teaching Octavia towards experience, you really think they'd want someone who got kicked out of the guard for not having enough integrity?" His tone turned bitter toward the end, and he looked back down at his plate.

"That's bullshit, and you know it," Jackson said, frowning. "So you're not even going to try? You know they'll just assign you the first job that comes along that anyone could do if you don't advocate for yourself."

" _I_ know it's bullshit, but do you really think they'll listen to my side of things?" Bell rubbed his face. "Do you think..." Then he sighed. "Never mind. I don't know."

"Never mind what?" Jackson insisted, starting to feel a little irritated at the idea that Bellamy might just resign himself to whatever the Ark threw at him. "As far as I know, there has never been a situation quite like yours on the Ark, so there is no precedent for how they'll treat you. You can't _just assume_ the worst." 

Bellamy gave him a crooked smile. "The Ark's never really done anything good for me, except letting me meet you." He shook his head. "I'm not good at wanting things, J. You were the first time I ever insisted on getting what I wanted."

Jackson pressed his lips together. Those words should make him feel good, but right now he needed Bellamy not to give up. "I worked out pretty well," he said. "Maybe you should try insisting on more."

"God, I--" Bellamy's smile strengthened a little. "Yeah. You worked out pretty well." He nodded. "So...who do you think I should talk to? Do you think... Doctor Griffin's done so much for me already, I'd hate to take advantage, but..."

Jackson felt tension in his shoulders that he hadn't realized he was holding relax. "I'm not sure who you should talk to. It's probably out of Abby's hands, but she'll probably know who to direct you to. I'll ask her tomorrow." He gave Bellamy a faint smile and continued eating.

Bell nodded. "Thanks for pushing me. If you hadn't made me promise to eat lunch, I probably would have stayed in bed all day. It's hard to make myself care about anything."

Jackson sighed. "I know," he said gently. He knew, no matter how hard he pushed Bellamy, depression wasn't something Bellamy could just snap out of. But that didn't mean Jackson was going to stop pushing. "You care about your sister. You care about me. We'll care about you until you can do that for yourself again."

 

***

 

Bellamy stared down at the clothes in his arms and thought, irrationally, how fucking pissed off he was at his boyfriend.

Which was completely unfair, but Jackson had pushed him so hard to _want_ something for himself, pushed him to talk to the career director about teaching, and somehow, Jackson had pushed Bellamy right into getting his hopes up that maybe things would work out.

But the Ark never had done anything good for Bellamy, and obviously it still wasn't in a giving mood.

He looked over his shoulder at the careers director's office door, muttered, "Fuck you," in a petty and impotent show of defiance, and headed for Farm Station. Hannah Green was probably tired of seeing his face, considering he'd never used to drink this much, but Bell didn't care. If the Ark was going to rob him of almost anything he'd ever cared about, he intended to drink enough tonight that he wouldn't care about anything.

By the time he got back home, his resentment had worked its way up into real anger. It was probably a good thing he hadn't run into Grus or any of his boys on his way back to Jackson's quarters, because he had a feeling he'd have shown them what kind of damage he could do if he was willing to fight back.

He dumped his new 'uniform' on the table, pushed off his shoes, and retreated to the bed with Octavia's teddy bear and the bottle of moonshine.

He was, unfortunately, still awake a couple of hours later when Jackson got home, but for the first time in a week, he almost couldn't feel any of the pain that had settled in. Almost.

Jackson peeled out of his coat immediately, letting out a heavy sigh. "Flu is going around," he muttered. "I'm probably covered in it. Gonna shower, and then you can tell me how it went today." He headed for the bathroom, tugging his shirt off over his head.

"Great," Bell mumbled. "I'll be here." He waited until Jackson was in the shower to pour himself one more glass. He wondered how Jackson would feel about having a fucking janitor for a boyfriend.

His glass was empty and he was considering pouring another by the time Jackson reemerged from the bathroom with wet hair and a towel wrapped around his waist. He started dressing, but Bellamy didn't miss the way he eyed the bottle and empty glass on the bedside table. "Didn't go well, did it?" he said cautiously.

Bellamy made a disgusted noise. "So much for getting my Goddamn hopes up."

Jackson frowned deeply, tugging some jeans on, then sat down next to Bellamy without bothering to get a shirt. "Tell me what happened."

"Don't need any new teachers, wouldn't be inclined to train me even if they did. I should consider myself lucky they didn't float me along with my mother, since I was a fucking accessory to her crimes. I should also consider myself lucky they need janitors, since that means I still get to eat." Bellamy's stomach twisted at the thought, just like it had when the careers director said those words. A janitor. He got kicked out of the guard, so he asked to be a teacher, and instead they slapped him in the face with _janitor_.

Jackson sucked in a breath and let it out, his expression going more sympathetic. He reached over and brushed his fingers against Bellamy's hair. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well." Bellamy couldn't meet his gaze. He looked over at the wall, wishing he'd poured another glass, because his eyes were stinging suddenly. The pain was still there. "I should have known better than to hope for anything good, that's all."

Jackson's hand slid out of his hair and onto Bell's shoulder. "Being a janitor isn't automatically _bad_ ," he said. 

"Yeah, great, I get to spend the rest of my life picking up other people's trash," Bell muttered. "What's the fucking point?"

Jackson sighed and dropped his hand. "Picking up other people's trash is more admirable than staying in bed and getting trashed."

"Easy for you to say, _doctor_ ," Bellamy said, rolling over to face the wall. He felt a pang of guilt as he said it, but he shoved it down.

He felt Jackson shift. "Are we doing _this_ now?" he said, his voice somewhere between defensive and wounded. He shifted again, and then there was a sloshing that sounded suspiciously like Jackson had taken a drink from the bottle. When Jackson hissed, Bell's suspicion was confirmed.

The bed shifted again, and Jackson was walking across the room toward the bathroom.

Fuck. He should have made sure to finish the bottle before Jackson got home. Bellamy glared at the wall, unwilling to turn over.

He heard Jackson take another drink, and then the splashing of the remainder of the bottle going down the sink. "I should have done this days ago," Jackson muttered.

"Because I don't know where to get more," Bellamy called over his shoulder. Some part of him hated the bitter sarcasm in his voice. Jackson didn't deserve this. But Bellamy didn't have the power to take it out on the people who did.

"Well," Jackson said. "Get drunk in your own rooms from now on then."

The words hit him like a punch to the gut. Bellamy exhaled sharply, squeezing his eyes shut. Before he knew what he was going to say, he blurted, "Yeah, that's an easy way to get rid of your janitor boyfriend."

Jackson huffed an angry laugh, then Bellamy heard a chair slide out from the table. "Until he's sober."

"So what?" Bellamy demanded, sitting up and turning to face him. "I'm not supposed to be angry about this? I'm just supposed to say, 'Thanks for turning me into a nobody?' I'm supposed to what--be _okay_ with getting fucked over by the Council and the Chancellor and your precious Doctor Griffin?"

Jackson was seated at the table, looking unhappy, but a flash of anger crossed his features then. "Abby is part of the reason you're not floating in space right now, and she's the closest thing I have to family. You can either show some fucking respect, or you can stumble back to Factory Station right now," he spat.

Bellamy scowled down at his knees, feeling a prickle of shame. He _did_ appreciate what Abby Griffin had done for him. "You're right," he mumbled, his stomach churning. "She actually tried to help." Even if it hadn't been enough to get him a job that allowed him any dignity, it _had_ saved his life.

Jackson's shoulders relaxed. "I don't expect you not to be angry. But the only way you'll ever be a nobody is if you choose to keep drinking your life away."

Bellamy's eyes stung at that, and he squeezed them shut, turning his head so Jackson wouldn't see. "I just wanted to see if I could forget," he whispered. "Just--just for a while." He sucked in a breath. "It _hurts_ so much."

Jackson sighed. "Is it working, though? Because it doesn't look like it."

Bellamy couldn't argue with that. He shook his head, feeling the tears spill over. Damn it. He was so damn tired of feeling like this.

He heard Jackson get up, and then Jackson was sitting next to him, sort of straddling Bellamy sideways, one leg behind Bell's back. "Then stop," he said, tugging Bellamy against his bare chest.

"I'm sorry," Bellamy whispered, wrapping an arm around Jackson's neck and pressing his face against Jackson's shoulder.

Jackson's fingers stroked Bellamy's hair. "Don't apologize," he said.

_I love you,_ Bellamy thought, but he bit back the words, just as he had every time they tried to escape over the past week. He didn't know when a good time to say them would be, but there had to be a better time than this, when he was drunk and miserable. "They've stripped away everything that defines me," he mumbled. "I don't even know who I am anymore."

Jackson turned his head to kiss Bellamy's hair. "You're not defined by your family or your job," Jackson murmured. He pressed a hand to Bellamy's chest. "You're still in there."

Bellamy slumped against him. "Maybe. I just don't know how to find me."

"Well, you won't drunk," Jackson said, sighing. "I've seen people spiral out of control trying to numb their own pain. I've seen how fast that can happen. How could I even look Octavia in the eyes if I let that happen to you?"

Bellamy sighed. "She made you promise to take care of me, huh?"

"She didn't make me promise, necessarily, but I told her I would." Jackson stroked his fingers over Bellamy's shoulder. "Don't make me a liar."

"God, J, you're too good to me." Bellamy straightened suddenly as his stomach lurched. "And I'm going to puke."

He bolted for the bathroom, where he lost half the moonshine he'd drunk, his eyes streaming with reflexive tears. Shit. Now he felt like an idiot.

He didn't hear Jackson follow him, but a moment later, Jackson was crouching beside him. His hand stroked over Bellamy's back, and Bellamy felt another wave of sickness hit him. Jackson's hand stilled on his back as Bellamy vomited again, but didn't pull away.

"It's okay," he said, his tone soothing. "Get it all out."

"M'so stupid," Bellamy mumbled, resting his arm across the toilet seat so he could press his forehead against it. He panted, trying to catch his breath. "Shit."

"You're not stupid," Jackson said, his hand starting to stroke again as he reached up to flush the toilet. Bellamy was grateful for it a moment later when the smell of vomit cleared. "You're hurting."

Bellamy shrugged. "You shouldn't be helping me when I did this." His nose was running now, on top of the awful churning in his stomach.

Jackson pulled a wad of toilet paper from the roll and started dabbing at Bell's face. "I brought water. Let me know when you're ready for it." He tucked the toilet paper under Bell's nose. "Blow."

Bell obeyed. "This is humiliating," he muttered. "I need to rinse my mouth at least."

Bell couldn't help but make a mildly disgusted face at the way Jackson examined his snot for a moment before tossing the toilet paper in the trash and holding up the bottle of water.

Bellamy rinsed and spit a couple of times, then pressed the cold bottle against his forehead. He was shivering and sweating at the same time, but the coolness felt good. He sighed. "So is this how drinking works? You make yourself so fucking miserable physically that you forget to care about all the other shit in your life?"

"Seems to be," Jackson said, tilting his head at Bell. "I'm not one hundred percent sure, since I can't remember the last time touched alcohol before tonight." He stroked his fingers against Bellamy's temple.

Bellamy couldn't really understand why Jackson was being so nice about this. He obviously didn't approve of Bell's choices, but he was still in here helping him. Since Jackson had ignored Bell's earlier comment about it, though, Bell figured he didn't want to explain. Bellamy sipped the water, and this time he swallowed, hoping he could keep it down.

Jackson sighed and sat back against the wall. "I lost a patient last week," he said. "Indirectly. She… she'd had a loss and started drinking. Her son brought her in a few times with alcohol poisoning." He ran a hand over his thigh, looking unhappy. "They told me last week he'd found her dead in a pool of her own vomit."

Bellamy looked at Jackson, then reached out and covered Jackson's hand with his own. "I'm sorry," he said, and meant it both for the patient and for his own actions.

"Don't be." Jackson turned his hand to curl his fingers around Bell's. "Just know that if you start going down that path, I'll walk away," he said, looking up to fix Bellamy with a serious gaze.

Bellamy suddenly felt queasy again, but he wasn't sure if it was from the alcohol or from that statement. He had no doubt Jackson meant it. And the idea of losing Jackson on top of everything else he'd lost...

Bellamy leaned over the toilet and threw up again.

Jackson sighed. "And here I was thinking you were done," he said softly. Bellamy felt Jackson's hand against his back again.

"Unnh," Bell managed. He heaved one more time, then sat up and flushed the toilet. Another rinse and spit, and he wiped his face and blew his nose. "Maybe now," he said. He took another sip of water and leaned his head back. "The bathroom isn't spinning quite as much."

"Good," Jackson said. "I guess I'm lucky you even made it here. I have a feeling you'd be useless cleaning up even your own vomit."

Bellamy snorted. "Sickness was the one part of raising Octavia Mom didn't want me to help with. Starting with spit up. After a couple of times cleaning up _my_ puke along with O's, Mom would order me to spend as much time in one of the public lounges when O was sick. Thank God she was a pretty healthy kid." He took a longer sip of water. He was shivering now, but he _did_ feel better than he had.

"Well, she wasn't exactly exposed to much," Jackson said. "I'm hoping her immune system is strong, considering she'll have a roommate soon, and the non-violent Skybox kids do get socialization time."

"Hopefully she'll be like me. I don't get sick much," Bellamy said. "Tonight excepted." He sighed and drank some more water. "I think I could lie down now, if you help me up," he offered.

Jackson nodded and stood, holding an arm down to help Bellamy to his feet. Bellamy sagged against him as the went back to the bed. "You're shivering," Jackson pointed out, pulling back the covers before pressing Bellamy onto the bed and wrapping them over him.

"S'what puking does to me," Bellamy mumbled. His eyelids were getting heavy too, but he had things he needed to say, so he struggled to keep his eyes open. "Be sweating in a minute." He curled his fingers around Jackson's, hoping he would sit next to him.

"Then we'll take the covers off then," Jackson said, sitting on the bed and squeezing Bell's fingers.

Bellamy sighed, but he looked up at Jackson, wishing he could smile. "Don't give up on me," he said quietly. "I won't get any more moonshine."

"Good. For now, at least." Jackson smiled faintly down at him, then leaned over to kiss Bellamy's cheek. "Does it look like I'm giving up on you?" he murmured.

"No. You never have." Bellamy did manage a tiny smile then. "You made me--" He stopped himself just before he said 'love' and changed it to, "trust you, and you've never given me reason to stop." He took a couple of slow breaths. "I'm going to prove you can trust me too."


	10. Chapter 10

Bellamy felt like death warmed over when he dragged himself out of bed for his first shift as a janitor the next day. Of course he was on second shift, which meant he and Jackson wouldn't have as much time together, which made it even worse.

His new supervisor was Sally Mbege, a pretty black woman about his mother's age, and she was so genuinely nice that Bellamy found himself inclined to like her, even though he'd intended to hate everything about working in sanitation. She showed him the ropes and assured him there would probably be a chance to switch shifts at some point.

It didn't make everything all right, but at least it wasn't as bad as he'd feared.

He beat Jackson home that night, and after a while found himself fidgeting, caught between boredom and unhappiness. It would be so easy to slip over to Farm Station. Jackson wasn't even home. Bellamy could be careful not to drink so much he was sick...

But he'd promised. And no matter how awful life was right now, he still had Jackson, and that made it possible for him to get up every morning, even though he didn't particularly feel like it. If he fucked up enough that Jackson walked away...

In the end, Bellamy read a little of _Leaves of Grass_ and ended up crying in bed, but he managed to stay sober. He tried to stay awake long enough for them to at least talk a little, but he woke up the next morning as Jackson was getting out of bed.

He reached out and curled his fingers loosely around Jackson's arm, and Jackson hummed and leaned back to brush his lips against Bell's. "I'm sorry I woke you," he said softly.

"Glad you did," Bell mumbled. "Didn' mean to fall asleep last night."

"I'm glad you did," Jackson said. "Abby and I had an emergency. I got back late." He kissed Bellamy again. "How was your first day?" he asked, getting up and padding over to the bathroom in his boxers.

Bell shifted over to his side, admiring Jackson's lean, muscled form sleepily. "Not as bad as I expected," he admitted. "Not great, but it could have sucked a lot more than it did."

Jackson disappeared into the bathroom, and a few seconds later, Bellamy heard him start to relieve his bladder. "That's a start," he said. "How's your new boss?"

"I like her. I'll say this for sanitation work, it doesn't feel as adversarial as the guard is." Bellamy yawned. "I think you've done something to my brain, though. I like her more than I'm used to."

Jackson flushed and reappeared in the bathroom doorway. "That's a good thing, right?" he asked, smiling faintly.

Bell snuggled into the blankets, frowning sleepily at him. "Life was easier when I didn't like people," he complained, though he knew Jackson would probably see through him.

"Hmm," Jackson said thoughtfully, nodding. "You liked me before." He turned around and started preparing to brush his teeth.

"Only because it was impossible not to like you," Bell grumbled. "You completely messed up everything my Mom taught me about being safe. It's annoying." He didn't mean it, though.

"I'm sure. Very," Jackson said, sounding almost amused, but then he went silent for a while as he brushed. The water ran for a moment, then Jackson was leaning against the bathroom doorframe, giving Bellamy a crooked smile. "Why are you in my bed if I'm so annoying?"

"Because as annoying as you are, you're gorgeous and you make me happy," Bellamy said. Just because he hadn't been truly happy for a week or so didn't make that untrue. He had the sudden desire to drag Jackson back to bed.

"Well, in that case," Jackson said, going to sift through his drawers to dress.

Bellamy sighed and threw back the covers. He got out of bed and padded across the room to wrap an arm around Jackson's waist. "In that case, what?" he demanded, and pulled Jackson close enough to press a kiss against his neck.

Jackson leaned back against him. "In that case, I guess it's okay," he said, a smile in his voice. He turned in Bell's arm to face him. "You should sleep. Your shift is later than mine," he said, kissing Bellamy gently.

"Hopefully that'll change eventually," Bellamy said, and kissed Jackson back. He slipped his fingers through Jackson's hair, pulling his body hard against Bellamy's. "You should try to get home earlier tonight," he whispered. "I really want you to fuck me."

"Mmm," Jackson hummed, kissing Bellamy with a little more hunger. "You shouldn't be getting me worked up right now," he breathed, but kissed Bell again. He pulled back and cupped a hand against Bell's jaw, his gaze going slightly more hesitant suddenly. "You… you didn't drink yesterday, did you?"

Bellamy told himself he didn't have the right to feel hurt by the question. "I promised," he said, holding Jackson's gaze. "I don't want to do something that would make you walk away from me."

Jackson nodded, then kissed Bellamy, this time more tenderly. "Walking away from you is the _last thing_ I want," he breathed.

Bellamy smiled against Jackson's mouth and kissed him again. "That's good to hear," he whispered. "I've gotten used to having someone sleep next to me." He tried to make his tone light, but the truth was, he hated the idea of sleeping without Jackson. He hated the idea of being without Jackson in his life. He bit back the L-word one more time as an idea occurred to him. "I should stop distracting you," he murmured.

Jackson pulled back to look at him, giving him maybe the strongest smile Bellamy had seen from him in a week. "You should," he said. He leaned in for another kiss. This time it was just barely more than a peck, but Jackson's hand slid down to squeeze Bell's ass briefly before he pulled away. "Go back to bed," he insisted, pulling a shirt out of his drawer.

Bellamy snorted in amusement. "Now you're getting _me_ worked up," he complained, but he crawled back under the covers. "Tell Doctor Griffin I said hi," he said, pulling the blanket up to his chin and watching Jackson dress.

Jackson finally pulled on his jacket, and sat on the edge of the bed to get his shoes on. When he was done, he leaned over to kiss Bell. "I'll try to be home on time. Have a good day," he said, then got up to leave.

"You too," Bellamy said, smiling as he closed his eyes.

That afternoon, Bellamy swallowed his pride enough to ask Sally about romantic gestures. When she assured him that flowers were, in fact, almost always a safe bet, he felt a little better about his plans.

As soon as his shift was over, he headed for Farm Station. Hannah Green sighed when she saw him, but after he explained what he was there for, she smiled and pointed him in the right direction for roses. He didn't have a lot, so when he found out just how expensive and difficult to grow the roses were, he decided three roses would have to do.

He hid the roses in his drawer at home, then picked up dinner, hoping it wouldn't get cold before Jackson got home. Then he went home, changed out of his sanitation jumpsuit, and did his best to get everything set up for Jackson.

Dinner was probably already lukewarm by the time Jackson walked in the door. He looked tired, but glanced around the room and smiled. "Did you clean?"

"Just a little," Bellamy said, leaving his chair and going to kiss Jackson hello. "Long day."

"Mmm," Jackson said, nodding. "Someone came in with a compound fracture near the end of the day. That's why I'm late." He looked over at the table, where Bellamy had set the table and left their food. He groaned and pressed his forehead to Bell's shoulder. "I'm so glad you got dinner. I'm starving."

Bellamy smiled, wrapping his arms around Jackson briefly. "Good. We should eat before it gets cold, then."

He kissed Jackson's hair and then pulled back, curling his fingers around Jackson's fingers to tug him to the table. Jackson let himself be led over to the table, then took his jacket off and draped it over his chair before sitting.

He dug in right away, and Bellamy wondered if he'd skipped lunch. "How was your day?" he said.

"Boring," Bellamy said. "I picked up recycling from about a hundred households, then spent the afternoon sorting it." He started eating. "But on the positive side, I guess, no one tripped me or 'accidentally' hit me with their shock stick, so."

Jackson gave him a sympathetic look. "I'd prefer you be bored than beaten," he said, shoving another bite of food in his mouth.

Bellamy poked his fork at his food. "I just wish I felt like my job mattered," he admitted. "As a guard cadet, I knew I was going to protect people. There's not a lot of satisfaction in...in keeping people from drowning in their own trash."

Jackson chewed for a moment, watching Bellamy. "If there were no janitors, this whole Ark would be a nightmare," he said. "I may not be a sympathetic vomiter, but the smell of rotting trash makes me gag."

Bell snorted. "You don't have to try to make me feel better. I know someone _has_ to do it. I just never thought it would be me." He shrugged. "Enough about me. How was your day? Besides the compound fracture?"

"Mostly routine," Jackson said. "A lot of the same. Still some flu lingering, but not as bad as it was."

Bellamy nodded. He hadn't quite worked out the best time to give Jackson his flowers. If he'd thought ahead, he probably would have put them next to Jackson's plate. Since it was too late for that, he wondered if he should wait until after they were done eating. He took another bite of food. Planning a romantic night in had seemed like a better idea in theory.

"I'm sure you probably don't want to hear about lanced infections while we eat," Jackson said, smiling faintly as he took another bite of food.

"Uh...Maybe not," Bell admitted. "I'd ask you about what books you've read lately, but I'm not sure you've read anything since we paused on _Foundation and Empire_." He gave Jackson a teasing smile.

"Good assumption," Jackson said. "I've been a little preoccupied." He reached over and squeezed Bell's upper arm briefly, then let go to continue eating.

Bellamy laughed faintly. He knew J had been preoccupied with making sure he was okay. And if he were entirely honest, he _wasn't_ okay, generally speaking. But he'd decided that for tonight, whatever happened, he _was_ going to be okay. "I should have realized a long time ago that good doctors make good boyfriends," he said softly.

Jackson huffed a breath, looking up at Bell. "Maybe," he said. "I've met some asshole doctors, though."

"Fine," Bell said, trying to sound annoyed. "I should have realized _you_ would make a good boyfriend." He glowered at Jackson for a moment, then added, "Except until you loaned me that poetry book, I wasn't sure if you even liked guys."

Jackson chuckled softly. "I made sure to tell you my first boyfriend gave it to me," he said. "I didn't know if you liked guys either, but I tested the waters."

Bellamy smiled faintly. "You remember how I complained about feeling too much?" he asked softly. "That part about the bare-stript heart..." He paused, then finished, "I get it now."

Jackson looked up at him, smiling. The smile was faint at first, but then it slowly kept growing until Jackson was practically beaming at him. "That's one of my favorite lines."

Bellamy smiled back at him, glad he'd said the right thing. He still wasn't sure he really _understood_ the poetry, on an intellectual level, but he _felt_ it. Maybe that's how poetry was supposed to be read. He bit his lip, then set down his fork. "I got you something."

He crossed the room and pulled the three roses out of his drawer, trying to hide them until he could see Jackson's face. "I'm told on Earth I would have gone for red," he said, "but since these are on the Ark for medicinal purposes..." He pulled them out from behind his back and held them out, watching Jackson. "You'll have to put up with pink."

Jackson blinked at them for a moment, looking confused, but then a smile bloomed on his face. He took the roses and held them under his nose, inhaling deeply, then looked up at Bellamy. His expression went more serious, but he couldn't hide his obvious pleasure as he said, "You shouldn't have."

Bellamy smiled faintly at him. "Yeah, I should have. You've been incredible. Especially the past week. You've stood by me and kept me going." His eyes prickled, but he blinked them clear. He took a deep breath, his heart suddenly pounding. "I wanted to do something to help me show you that... I love you."

Jackson sucked in a sharp breath, surprise crossing his face. A moment later, there was almost a look of wonder in Jackson's eyes, but then he smiled and stood, wrapping his arms around Bellamy and kissing him hard. "Thank God," he said, pulling away just enough so that their lips brushed when he spoke and sounding like a weight had been lifted off him suddenly. "I love _you_."

Bellamy kissed him again. "You jerk," he whispered, smiling at him. "You just wanted me to say it first."

Jackson chuckled, shrugging. "Maybe," he said. "Maybe there just hadn't been a good time."

"Last night, I decided there probably wasn't going to be a good time unless I made one," Bellamy admitted. He kissed Jackson again, more slowly. "And I got tired of trying not to blurt it out when I was drunk or miserable, so I figured I'd better create an opportunity."

"I was getting tired of trying not to say it while you were drunk and miserable too," Jackson admitted. "So thank you." He kissed Bellamy again, then pulled back. "Have you smelled these?" he asked, holding the roses still clutched in his hand up to Bell's face.

Bell took an obliging sniff, then smiled, pleased. "You like them?"

"I love them," Jackson said, lowering the roses to kiss Bellamy again. "Even if I feel mildly guilty you spent anything on me, I love them." He kissed Bellamy again. "I love you."

Bellamy made a happy noise, stroking his fingers through Jackson's hair. "Mom knew," he whispered between kisses. "I _do_ think she liked you. She was just afraid because of Octavia." He dipped his head to kiss Jackson's neck, pressing his forehead against his shoulder. "She knew I loved you."

"She did bring up love at the dinner table," Jackson reminded him. He let out a happy sigh, holding Bellamy close. "I'm torn between finishing dinner and taking all your clothes off."

Bellamy snorted. "Considering I'm fairly certain you skipped lunch today, finish dinner first, clothes off after." He kissed Jackson's jaw. "Clearly you need me to make sure you have regular meals."

Jackson hummed a disappointed noise, but when he pulled back to look at Bellamy, he was smiling. "I'll eat," he said, "if you say it again."

"I love you," Bellamy said, laughing a little. "And I love knowing I'll be useful if I keep making sure you eat."

Jackson snorted and kissed him hungrily, sliding a hand down to squeeze Bell's ass. "You are useful for _so much more_ than that."

That made Bellamy laugh out loud. "God, I love you," he said, grinning at Jackson. He kissed him once more, then pulled away entirely. "Sit. Eat. And if you do that, then you can take off all my clothes."

He sat down and started eating to show he wasn't going to let Jackson distract him from dinner. After a couple of bites, he felt an odd pang of guilt. Was it really okay for him to be so happy? He tried to shove it down. His mom had known he loved Jackson, and she'd told him to be happy. Surely it was okay. Wasn't it?

Jackson busied himself with putting the flowers in water and placing them on the bedside table before sitting back down to eat. He couldn't seem to stop smiling as he started eating again.

The slight tightness in Bellamy's chest relaxed. Seeing that expression on Jackson's face made him feel like this had to be okay. How could it not be okay for Bellamy to do something that made his boyfriend so happy? He smiled at Jackson and stretched his leg out to press against Jackson's. "You're ridiculously cute when you smile like that," he said quietly.

Jackson laughed. "Wow, it's been a long time since anyone called me cute," he said, sliding both legs out and trapping Bell's ankle. "And no one has _ever_ given me flowers."

"You just...you look younger with that unstoppable smile." Bellamy hadn't realized before then how often Jackson looked mildly worried about something. Maybe, since Jackson's job was so important and had so much pressure...maybe it was a good thing that Bellamy's new job wasn't like that. It might give Bellamy more time to take care of Jackson. He thought of something Jake Griffin had said after Jackson's concussion, that it was nice to see someone taking care of Jackson for a change. "I like it."

Jackson tried to glare at him unsuccessfully. "Are you saying I look old normally?"

Bell snorted. "Just...like you carry a lot with you," he said after a moment. "I don't see you this relaxed very often."

Jackson's smile faded a little, but didn't disappear. "I'm _not_ this relaxed often," he admitted. "I haven't let myself in years."

"I'm glad I get to see it," Bell said softly. He reached across the table to brush his fingers against Jackson's cheek. "I love you. You tired of me saying that yet?"

"No," Jackson said, turning his head to kiss Bellamy's fingers. "Not at all." He trapped Bell's fingertip gently in his teeth and drew his tongue over it, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

That sent a frisson of desire through Bellamy. He caught his lower lip between his teeth, watching Jackson hungrily. But then straightened and shook his head. "Finish dinner," he said, though he knew he wouldn't be able to hold out if Jackson kept this up.

Jackson ducked his head forward and captured Bell's finger entirely in his mouth. He pulled back slowly, sucking, and gave Bell a heated look. He released Bellamy's finger, though, and sat back. "You're no fun," he complained, and took a bite of his food.

"Nn. I'm trying to behave so you can eat," Bellamy grumbled, wishing he hadn't stopped Jackson.

Jackson snorted and took another bite of food. There was still desire in his gaze, but he said, "Finish yours too."

"At least I ate lunch," Bellamy said, giving him a pointed look, but he picked up his fork again. "I love how much you care about your patients, but you can't take good care of them if you're skipping meals. I'd feel guilty if I distracted you from dinner."

Jackson shrugged and kept eating. "As long as I don't let my hands get shaky, I'm good," he said. "I have a couple small things in my desk to eat if I need to." 

Bellamy grinned. "Note to self: Next time, chocolates. Edible presents are better."

Jackson shook his head, making a disapproving noise. "Next time, just you. I don't need gifts. Just you."

Bell ducked his head, grinning at the table. How had he gotten lucky enough to find the guy who just wanted _him_ , as he was? Not the guard cadet, not a guy who would give him presents, but just _Bellamy_? He glanced up at Jackson. "I'm so damn lucky," he whispered.

"You're not the only one," Jackson said, grinning. He took another bite of food, then tilted his plate up toward Bellamy to show it was empty. "May I be excused now, Mr. Blake?"

"I did promise you dessert, didn't I?" Bellamy leaned back in his chair, giving him a slow smile.

"You did," Jackson said. "I intend to collect on that." His gaze was roaming Bellamy's face.

Bellamy held his gaze and lifted one hand to undo the top button of his shirt. "I was hoping you'd say that," he murmured, giving Jackson an obvious once-over.

Jackson swallowed hard and let his gaze drift down to Bellamy's throat, and his fingers on the second button down his shirt. "I said I was going to take off all your clothes, but I don't mind letting you do that while I watch," he breathed.

"You're not going to help?" Bellamy asked innocently.

Jackson, in answer, slouched in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, never looking away from Bell.

"Oh, really?" Bell said, grinning at him. "So you want dessert _and_ a show?" He worked his way slowly down the rest of his buttons, then paused, watching Jackson.

Jackson licked his lips, his gaze shamelessly roaming Bellamy's chest and stomach. "God, you're sexy," he whispered.

"Glad you think so." Smirking, Bellamy shrugged his shirt a little off his shoulders, but didn't really take it off before moving on to the fly of his jeans. If he thought about this too much, he felt oddly more exposed than the times he'd undressed for bed or let Jackson undress him. He caught his lower lip between his teeth and did his best not to think about it. He watched the way Jackson's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed instead, and eased his fly open slowly.

Jackson shifted a little in his seat, which alerted Bellamy to the growing bulge in his pants, then made a wanting noise.

Finally, he expelled a gusty breath and stood, walking over to Bellamy. He leaned down, gripping Bellamy's thighs, and kissed Bellamy's shoulder, starting to trail wet kisses toward his neck.

Bell let out a quiet noise, tilting his head to give him better access. "Yes," he breathed, sliding his fingers into Jackson's hair.

"Mmm, Bell," Jackson murmured, then he scraped his teeth over Bellamy's skin and nipped gently at his jaw, making his way toward Bellamy's ear. "Wanted to keep watching, but I think the only way I could have not touched you would be if you tied me up," he breathed, then sucked at Bellamy's earlobe.

"I _wanted_ you to touch," Bell said, his breathing speeding up. "Want to touch you, too." His hands fumbled at Jackson's shirt.

Jackson drew his tongue over the shell of Bellamy's ear as Bellamy undid his shirt and pushed it off his shoulders, then Jackson grabbed the edges of Bellamy's shirt and tugged him out of the chair for a proper kiss, shoving Bellamy's shirt off too once he was on his feet.

That sent a thrill of desire through Bellamy, and he returned Jackson's kiss hungrily. As soon as he got his arms out of his shirt, he hooked his fingers in the waistband of Jackson's pants. "You're so sexy," he murmured against Jackson's lips.

Jackson hummed an appreciative noise, and Bellamy felt him shift as he kicked out of his shoes. "God, it's been weeks, hasn't it?" he panted, kissing down the other side of Bellamy's neck and out to his shoulder while his hands pushed at Bellamy's already open pants.

"I'm sorry I haven't been up to it," Bellamy murmured. He was glad for Jackson's hesitance the day Bell had asked Jackson to fuck him so he could forget, but Bellamy had pretty much drunk away any chances they'd had since then. And immediately prior to that, Jackson had been ordered to rest for seven days, and only received one blow job. "I want this so much." He shivered under Jackson's touch. "I love you."

"I love you too," Jackson said, lifting his head to kiss Bellamy again as his hand slid down to cup Bellamy from outside his boxers. "Want this."

Bell's hips jerked into Jackson's touch. Oh _God_ he wanted this. "Whatever you want," he promised, shoving Jackson's pants further down on his hips.

Jackson curled his fingers around Bellamy's cock, stroking lightly through the fabric. He sucked in a shaky breath and slowed his kisses. After a moment, it almost seemed like Jackson was slightly distracted, but then he pulled back just enough to whisper against Bellamy's lips. "I want to give myself to you."

Bellamy's breathing hitched at those words. He kissed Jackson slowly and thoroughly, one hand coming up to cup his cheek. Even though Jackson had said he wanted that sometime, Bellamy had assumed that was a far distant 'sometime' and, since he'd been fine with the way things were, he hadn't intended to ask. But having Jackson offer like this... "I want you so much, J," he whispered, and kissed Jackson again. He pulled back enough to look into Jackson's eyes. "Teach me how to make you feel good."

Jackson gave him a small smile and leaned in for a kiss. "You've already forgotten what I did for you?" he murmured, but his tone held a gentle teasing to it. "Off," he said, pushing Bell's boxers down with his pants, and then pushing his own off, kicking them to the floor.

Bellamy felt a little jolt in his chest and he stepped out of his pants. "You were showing me how you like it?" he said, letting his gaze run hungrily down Jackson's pleasantly fit torso to his cock. God, he was gorgeous. Bell licked his lips and met Jackson's gaze.

Jackson shrugged one shoulder, watching Bellamy. His expression said he was obviously pleased by how Bellamy was looking at him. "I was showing you the basics," he said, stepping in and kissing Bellamy slowly. "I can't honestly say I remember what I like when it comes to this. I…" He swallowed hard. "I never thought I'd offer again until… well, until _you_ happened."

Oh. _Oh_. Bell cupped Jackson's face in his hands and leaned in for a soft kiss. "J," he breathed. "God, I love you." He let one hand fall to Jackson's shoulder, stroking down until he could rest his fingers at Jackson's hip. He was a little breathless as he guided Jackson back toward the bed.

"That's why I offered," Jackson said, kissing Bellamy. When they got to the bed, Jackson tugged Bellamy down with him, pulling their bodies tight.

Bellamy hadn't been nervous a moment ago, but as the gravity of what Jackson was offering hit him, Bell's heart was racing for reasons that had less to do with arousal and more with nerves. Not that his body had stopped paying attention to Jackson's. Bell couldn't swallow the noise of pleasure that escaped as his erection pressed against Jackson's.

Bell opened his mouth, but he couldn't think of anything to say. Finally he just forced the words out. He knew Jackson wouldn't laugh. "Now I'm a little nervous," he admitted.

Jackson huffed a breath that _might_ have been a laugh, but just smiled at Bellamy. "Don't be," he whispered. "It's just," he murmured, giving Bell a teasing kiss. "Your body." Another kiss. "And my body." Another.

Bell couldn't keep from melting into those kisses, even though he was still afraid he'd mess up. He deepened the next kiss, pressing his hips down against Jackson's. "I definitely like your body," he breathed against Jackson's lips. He kissed him again, then trailed more kisses along his clean-shaven jaw. "And your body with my body." He rolled his hips against Jackson's again, his confidence beginning to return with the new wave of desire that sent through him.

Jackson let out a small moan, arching under Bellamy. "Good," he panted. His hands clutched at Bellamy's back, then slid down to his ass, urging Bellamy to keep doing what he was. 

"You're so gorgeous," Bell whispered. Remembering something Jackson had done their first time, he ducked his head and scraped his teeth gently against Jackson's jaw. "So sexy." He sucked gently, pressing his hips down again. "Love you."

"God," Jackson gasped, his hips jerking up against Bellamy's as he pressed himself into Bellamy's mouth. "More," he managed. 

Bell hummed and nibbled teasingly along Jackson's jaw, pleased at that reaction. He loved making Jackson unwind enough to act like this. "J," he breathed, and sucked Jackson's earlobe in his mouth to work his tongue over it. When he pulled back, he scraped a little harder with his teeth, then went back to sooth it with his lips.

Jackson hissed, but only turned his head to give Bellamy better access. "Bell," he panted, sliding a hand up across Bellamy's spine until it buried itself in Bellamy's hair. The hand that was on Bell's ass reached over and fumbled in the bedside table for a moment, and then Jackson was resting the bottle of lube by his hip and gripping Bellamy's ass again.

He pulled Bellamy against him and thrust, groaning. "Yes."

That felt so good. And Jackson obviously liked Bell using his teeth. Bell smiled against Jackson's skin and tried a series of gently nips until he reached Jackson's Adam's apple and could scrape his teeth lightly against it.

Bell was panting as he shifted his hips against Jackson's, sending another wave of pleasure through him. He groaned Jackson's name, his voice low.

Jackson's breath had gone ragged, and Bellamy felt him shift slightly. Then Jackson's legs were parting and Bellamy settled between them automatically. Jackson draped one of his thighs over Bellamy's hip. "More teeth," he gasped.

A low noise escaped Bellamy's throat as he pressed closer and hot pleasure flashed through him. He wasn't sure why it was so hot that Jackson liked that, but it was. "So sexy," he whispered, nibbling and sucking his way back up to Jackson's jaw. "Love you," he added, because it still felt so good to say those words. Then he closed his teeth on the spot just under Jackson's ear.

Jackson gasped, arching under Bellamy, his fingers going tight in Bell's hair for a moment, then loosening again. "Love you," Jackson managed. "Love this. God… driving me crazy."

"What do you want?" Bellamy panted, "Tell me, J." He closed his teeth on Jackson's earlobe and pulled back slowly, flicking his tongue against the skin.

Jackson let out a gusty breath. "Your teeth on my chest. Your fingers… getting me ready," he panted. "For you."

Bellamy groaned and pulled back for a brief, hard kiss on the mouth, then he began working his way down Jackson's neck to his shoulder, the pressure of his teeth varying from teasing to what he thought would be this side of painful. God, he hoped he wasn't biting too hard. When his lips reached Jackson's nipple, he closed his teeth gently, flicking his tongue against it while he fumbled for the bottle Jackson had left next to him.

"Want you so much," Bell murmured. "You're so hot. C'n barely believe you're letting me do this." He got what looked like too much lube, then frowned and added a little more. He couldn't remember exactly what Jackson had done--he'd been a little preoccupied--but it seemed like there had been a lot. He slid his hand down to circle one finger at Jackson's entrance. Then he scraped his teeth against Jackson's chest.

Jackson sucked in a breath at the same time his entrance clenched against the tip of Bellamy's finger. "God," he groaned, his hand in Bellamy's hair urging him be rougher with his mouth. "Good," he breathed.

"S'okay?" Bell asked, his body singing with desire. God, the reactions he was getting from Jackson were just fanning his desire. He pressed a couple of wet kisses against Jackson's chest, then bit gently, panting hard but prepared to let go if he'd read Jackson wrong.

"Harder," Jackson panted, his fingers tightening in Bellamy's hair just a little, then he rolled his hips just enough to press himself against Bellamy's finger more firmly.

Bell made a noise of acknowledgment, though he was a little uncertain about the biting. He bit a little harder, then pulled back to stroke his tongue across the little dents in Jackson's skin. "Sure?" he breathed.

"Yes," Jackson panted. "Please."

If it made J happy, Bellamy wasn't going to argue, but he was still worried he'd bite too hard. He kissed the spot he'd bit before and moved just a little, then closed his teeth harder. Then he remembered he had other things he was supposed to be doing too. He pressed his fingertip a little more firmly at Jackson's entrance, trying to gauge Jackson's reaction.

Jackson's breath was ragged, but his hand slid out of Bell's hair and over his shoulders. "M'ready," he panted. "Whenever you are."

He'd definitely taken more time getting Bellamy relaxed and ready, and Jackson hadn't really said how long it had been since _he'd_ done this, but Bell was still worried about hurting him. "Already?" he asked, nipping at Jackson's collarbone.

Jackson let out what might have been a breathy laugh. "For your finger," he panted.

"Oh," Bell said, laughing a little. God, he'd gotten so worried about the biting that Jackson obviously wanted that it had thrown him off a little. "Sorry. Distracted," he mumbled, and nipped Jackson's collarbone again as he pressed his finger slowly inside.

Jackson gasped softly, arching against the bed and squeezing his eyes shut. He pressed his head back against the pillow and shifted his hips down toward Bellamy. "Bell," he panted.

"Okay?" Bellamy asked, and nipped again, harder. Then he sucked at the spot. He was having a hard time catching his breath suddenly. It still seemed incredible that he was allowed to have this. "Want to make you feel good," he whispered.

"You are," Jackson breathed. He shifted a little and made a noise that was a little higher pitched than Jackson normally sounded. "Hook your finger forward," he managed.

Bell did as he was told, pulling back to watch Jackson's face. He was so gorgeous.

Jackson gasped, then moaned, his entire body reacting to Bellamy's shifting finger. His eyes were still closed, but his expression looked suddenly more relaxed, his mouth open as he panted softly. "Can make someone come… just massaging that spot," he panted. "Not what I want you to do, but… God, Bell..."

Bellamy let out a noise of pure wanting. "You're so fucking hot," he breathed, staring at Jackson. He leaned in to capture Jackson's mouth with his as he worked his finger inside Jackson.

Jackson moaned against Bellamy's lips, his fingers pressing firmly into Bellamy's back. "God," he panted, pressing his body up against Bellamy's as he kissed Bellamy again. "Deeper."

Bellamy slid his finger in deeper, his breath coming fast. "Want you so much," he managed, his gaze hungry on Jackson's face.

Jackson let out a low groan. "Want you too," he breathed. "Not ready yet." Then he actually _whimpered_ and pressed himself down against Bellamy's finger again. "Another."

"God," Bellamy breathed, "Another?" he asked, pressing a second finger against Jackson's entrance. He didn't actually press inside, though, just in case. He ducked his head and bit lightly at Jackson's jaw.

"Yes," Jackson said, his tone insisting.

Bellamy hadn't really realized how vulnerable he must have looked when he asked Jackson to fuck him. There was something incredibly arousing about the way Jackson was making himself vulnerable to Bellamy. Bell pressed another finger in slowly alongside the first, and at the same time, he bit harder at Jackson's jaw. His chest felt tight with how intimate this was.

Jackson made a noise somewhere between discomfort and pleasure, panting heavily as he pressed his head back, pressing his jaw harder against Bellamy's mouth. Bellamy stilled his hand and Jackson gasped for a breath. Then he must've realized Bellamy stopped moving, because he choked out, "No… s'good."

"Okay," Bell breathed, sliding his fingers deeper. "You're so gorgeous," he mumbled against Jackson's jaw. "Can hardly wait to be inside you."

"God, yes," Jackson panted, his hand sifting into Bellamy's hair. He pressed his body down against Bellamy's fingers with a low groan, his other hand clutching at Bellamy's back. Bellamy didn't think he was imagining the slight shakiness in Jackson's breathing now.

"This is good?" Bell asked breathlessly. Jackson was trembling just a little, and Bell wasn't sure if he should keep pressing on, or if he should slow down. Bell found himself wondering how long it had been since J had let someone have him, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to ask. Bellamy licked and sucked his way down Jackson's neck, then bit at the spot where Jackson's neck met his shoulder.

Jackson moaned at the feel of Bellamy's teeth, his nails digging into Bellamy's shoulder a little. "Yes," he panted. "Mm. Adrenaline. M'fine."

"Okay," Bell breathed, his teeth scraping lightly against Jackson's skin. "Love you so much. Want you." He worked his fingers inside Jackson, trying to massage the spot Jackson had indicated. "So much."

" _God_ ," Jackson gasped, writhing under Bellamy a little when Bellamy hit the spot again. "God, fuck me," he demanded.

"You're so gorgeous," Bellamy panted. "Sure you're ready?" He slid his fingers out of Jackson and started slicking his cock with lube, but there was no way he would push inside without J's okay. "Don't want to hurt you."

"Not going to," Jackson said, his breath shaking. Bellamy watched his chest heave a few times, and then Jackson finally opened his eyes again and lifted his head. "Want you," he breathed, looking at Bellamy through half-lidded eyes.

"God," Bell breathed. "You're so hot." He ducked his head to kiss Jackson hard, positioning his cock against Jackson's entrance. "Want to feel you," he panted, the head of his cock nudging Jackson's entrance.

Jackson hooked a hand around the back of Bellamy's neck and pulled him in for another hungry kiss. "Then feel me," he said, sounding breathless.

Bell let out a ragged breath, then pressed slowly inside, the tight heat making him pant. "God, J," he gasped. "Oh, _God_."

Jackson's nails were digging into his back a little deeper, and Jackson drew several short, gaspy breaths once the head of Bellamy's cock slipped inside of him. But when Bellamy spoke, he breathed something like a laugh. "I know," he said, voice shaking. "Good, right?"

Bell panted a couple of breaths. "God, yes," he managed, trying to keep himself still. "Good for you?" he managed.

"Yeah," Jackson said, and then he shifted a little to hook one of his legs up over Bellamy's hip, his lower leg draping over the upper curve of Bellamy's ass, which forced himself down over Bell's cock a little more. "All the way."

Bellamy groaned at the flash of desire that sent through him. "Yes," he gasped, letting Jackson pull him closer. "You feel so good." He could barely keep himself from thrusting against that tightness, but he forced himself to be still. "So good," he managed.

Jackson groaned. "God, Bellamy, _move_ ," he insisted, kissing Bellamy hard.

Bell couldn't fight the wave of pure lust Jackson's demands sent through him. His hips jerked, then he gasped, "Really?" just before they jerked again. It felt too good to resist when Jackson was encouraging him like this. "Oh, _God,_ " he managed. Just a gentle thrust sent pleasure shooting through every part of him. "So hot."

"Fuck, you feel huge," Jackson panted, but it didn't seem to be a complaint at all. " _God_... love you."

"S'okay?" Bell managed. He didn't want to stop--his body was demanding more--but he _would_ if Jackson said to. Even as he thought it, he thrust inside again, almost unable to stop himself. "Feels good," he gasped. "So tight--"

"More," Jackson breathed, and the hand in Bellamy's hair moved between them as Jackson started to stroke himself. His hips rolled up to meet Bellamy's next thrust.

Bellamy couldn't suppress the quiet moan that escaped him. "God, J," he panted, his gaze hungry on Jackson's face as his hips jerked. This felt amazing, and he wanted to make sure it was the same for Jackson. "Let me touch you," he panted, reaching to cover Jackson's hand with his own.

Jackson let his hand fall away, and gripped Bellamy's ass, urging him to thrust harder. Bellamy obliged, trying to match the strokes of his hand to his thrusts. Soon Jackson's breath was hitching with each thrust. "Want to… want to come with you inside me," he managed, then kissed Bellamy again, moaning against his mouth.

Bell couldn't catch his breath. He wanted so much to give Jackson what he wanted. "Yes," he panted, stroking faster and trying to keep his thrusts regular. He was so close to losing control, though. "Need you to come," he managed. "For me, J. Because I'm inside you." He felt his face get hot from the way he was talking, but Jackson had liked that their first time. "Because you feel so good," he panted.

For the second time tonight, Jackson whimpered, and it sent a thrill through Bellamy that caused him to jerk his hips harder than he had been. "Ah!" Jackson gasped, tensing briefly and then melting back against the bed again, his body pliant. "Like that," he said, leg tightening around Bellamy. "Getting there."

"J," Bell panted, letting his hips jerk again, "J, so sexy." He couldn't tear his gaze away from Jackson's face. He loved seeing Jackson's reactions to all of Bellamy's movements.

Jackson was slack-jawed, panting, little noises of pleasure escaping him with each thrust and each slide of Bellamy's hand. "Stop holding back," he choked out. " _Fuck_ me. Mmm…. so close."

A hungry noise escaped before Bellamy realized it, and he thrust harder. "Oh, God," he managed, but the look on Jackson's face was irresistible. Bell let go of his control, still watching Jackson's face hungrily as he thrust hard and fast. "So hot," Bell panted. "J--come."

"God, _yes_ ," Jackson groaned, letting himself be jostled by each of Bellamy's thrusts. "Yes, yes," he said, almost babbling now. "Ye--" He tensed, gasping, and then spasms of orgasm hit him, each one causing him to clench around Bellamy's cock.

"Fuck," Bell gasped, watching Jackson's face. God, it was so amazing to see Jackson come because of what Bellamy had done, was doing. Bell kept thrusting through Jackson's orgasm, enjoying the spurt of Jackson's release on his hand. "So gorgeous," Bell panted, "so hot, so amazing--" God, he was close himself.

Jackson's movements were languid suddenly, his body heavy with orgasm. He was just letting Bellamy use his body now for his own pleasure, so relaxed. He smiled faintly, barely opening his eyes to look at Bellamy, then opened his mouth to say something. Whatever he'd intended to say got lost in a small moan, though.

"Oh, _God_ ," Bell gasped, and leaned in to kiss Jackson hard. He thrust hard a few more times, his breathing hitching. God he was close, so close-- Bellamy thrust hard and fast, chasing the climax that was just out of reach, and then he groaned, low and loud, as his climax hit him.

Jackson let out a small, pleased noise, and pulled Bellamy in for a slow kiss as Bellamy worked his hips a few more times, drawing out every bit of his release before stopping. "God, Bell," Jackson panted. "So sexy."

Bellamy's hips slowed almost without his decision, and he returned Jackson's kiss breathlessly. "Needed--" he managed, then sucked in a breath. "Need you." His body was still thrumming from the extra energy they'd generated, but he felt so good. "Love you," he whispered, letting his eyes fall mostly closed.

"Love you," Jackson returned immediately, then kissed Bellamy. His fingers were in Bell's hair again, tracing shapes against his scalp. "Mmm."

"God," Bellamy breathed, shifting over Jackson but not trying to pull away. "That okay?" he whispered, hoping he'd done all right. "Y'r so gorgeous." He scraped his teeth against Jackson's throat.

Jackson chuckled. "You couldn't seem to stop telling me a minute ago," he murmured. "It was good." A slow grin spread across his face. "If I'm sore tomorrow, it will have been worth it."

"Fuck," Bellamy panted, melting against Jackson. He felt so damn good. "It was okay?"

"I just told you it was good," Jackson murmured gently, stroking his hands over Bell's back.

Bellamy couldn't swallow the pleased noise that welled up in his chest. "Love you so much, J," he mumbled, tugging Jackson against him.

"I love you too," Jackson said, his voice warm. "Thank you for tonight."

Bellamy kissed him slowly. "You are so welcome," he murmured. "Thank _you_. That was amazing."


	11. Chapter 11

Jackson woke up the next morning feeling better than he had in weeks. Maybe even years, actually.

The roses on his bedside table were still fresh and fragrant, he knew Bellamy loved him, and his body ached in places it hadn't for years, but in a good way. He hadn't expected to allow Bellamy to take him for quite a while, but somehow an 'I love you' had changed everything. It made it seem more important to allow Bellamy to have him in a way he hadn't let anyone else since his last boyfriend when he was nineteen.

Five years of infrequent, casual sex were over now, and Jackson couldn't wait for years to come of frequent, serious sex with someone he loved and who loved him back.

It was scary as fuck, but he was ready.

Jackson knew he had a ridiculous smile on his face when he went into Medical the next morning, so he headed straight for his desk and hoped Abby wouldn't mention it.

"Someone's in a good mood this morning," Abby commented, dropping a couple of files on his desk. "I know it's been a hard week. I'm glad to see you looking a little better."

"Last night was a good night," he said, taming his smile as he looked up at Abby. "It's too soon to hope Bellamy's out of the woods yet, but… last night he… it was good."

"That's good to hear." Abby gave him a small smile. "I'm sure a lot of that credit goes to you. He's experienced a lot of loss in a very short time, but you're someone consistent in his life. Just make sure you take care of yourself as well as him."

"I try. Gotta be here for you too," he said, his smile going warm.

"I certainly hope so," she said. "I don't know what I'd do without you. We really need to apprentice more doctors. I just wish I had more time."

"I'd be willing to do it," he said, looking away and absently opening one of the files she put in front of him.

"I don't think this would be a good point for you to take someone on," she said. "Let's get at least a month or two out from Bellamy's loss. I want to make sure you aren't overworked here." She folded her arms across her chest and leaned on his desk. "Especially since I have a feeling you're going to be volunteering for Skybox duty from now on," she added, her voice warm.

Jackson smiled. "Octavia's a good kid," he said. "I can handle getting stabbed with a needle every once in awhile."

"You should know that the guard who was with you came and filed his own report," Abby said, "and he was extremely apologetic for letting that happen. He was aware of the reasons for Allard's removal from the Skybox, and wanted to assure me that was not in any way connected." She tilted her head. "He spoke highly of how you handled the kids."

Jackson nodded. "That was nice of him," he said. "He didn't need to do that. And he certainly didn't need to apologize. I'm just glad Dax went for my leg instead of my eye." He folded his arms over himself and sat back. "Speaking of the Skybox, visitation is tomorrow. Bell was going to wait until I took lunch so I could go with him, so if you can spare me for a slightly long lunch--if nothing's on fire here, of course--I'd appreciate it."

Abby sucked in a slow breath. "Oh... No one's told him." She tilted her head back, staring at the ceiling. "Oh God, I really didn't want to have to be the one to give him the news, but I suppose Kane thought I would."

She met Jackson's gaze, her brows drawn together. "Jackson, the Chancellor revoked Bellamy's visitation privileges as punishment for his involvement."

Jackson felt his stomach drop, but for a moment, all he could do was stare at Abby blankly. Until anger hit him a moment later, and he felt himself scowling at Abby in spite of knowing this wasn't her fault. "Hasn't he already been punished enough?" he spat.

"I felt that he had been punished enough," Abby said quietly. "I can't imagine how I would feel if they took Clarke from me and told me I couldn't see her. I've been trying to change Thelonious' mind, and I have hope that maybe, given some time and model behavior from Bellamy and Octavia, I'll be successful." She frowned. "Not _much_ hope, I confess. But some."

Jackson huffed and looked away from her. She didn't deserve his anger, but he couldn't quite tamp it down. He drew a couple of steadying breaths, but they didn't help much because he couldn't help but think of how Jaha had seemed so calm when Aurora Blake was floated, or the way Bellamy's face flooded with hatred when he looked at Jaha. 

"I'm sorry, Jackson." Abby's voice was low. "I'll talk to Bellamy this evening and let him know. Or I can ask Kane to talk to him, but I think he'd take it better coming from me."

Jackson shook his head. "I'll tell him."

"You shouldn't have to do the Chancellor's dirty work for him, Jackson." Abby's voice hardened for a moment, and she looked away. "I'm sorry," she said. "He's just...he's being intractable. About more than just Bellamy. I'm frustrated."

Jackson sighed and raised a brow at her. She didn't often vent about Council business, and she probably couldn't most of the time, but he appreciated it when she occasionally let him in. "Anything you can talk to me about?" he asked.

"Not yet," she said, pressing her fingers against her lips for a moment. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't vent at you about the Council."

Jackson held another sigh, and even if anger was still burning in his chest just a little, he gave her a sympathetic look. "I vent at _you_ when I need to," he said. "You do realize this relationship goes both ways, right?" He reached out and touched the back of her hand. He knew Abby saw him as an equal professionally now, not as a student, but he sometimes felt like she had trouble seeing him as a friend too.

She smiled at him. "It just isn't fair since this is still confidential, so all I can do is complain that people aren't playing nice and stomp my foot a little." She met his gaze. "I do know it goes both ways, and I appreciate the offer to talk. I just can't right now."

Jackson nodded, dropping his hand. "I understand," he said, smiling at her. "If you ever can, I'm not going anywhere." He looked back at the files on his desk. "I'll tell Bell about his visitation rights. If he doesn't take it well… he's _not_ going to take it well…" He scrubbed a hand through his hair. "It'll be better if he's told in private. That way if he says or does something stupid, It'll just be around me."

Abby huffed a laugh. "You know I wouldn't hold it against him--though it's a good decision to keep him away from Kane, I guess." She sighed. "I feel horrible about the whole thing," she admitted. "I'm of the opinion that Octavia and Bellamy shouldn't have been punished for what their mother did. But my hands are tied in this matter, and Kane seems to think I'm biased."

"You probably are," Jackson said gently. "Thank you… for advocating for him."

"Despite everything, I haven't seen you this happy in years," Abby said. "How could I not advocate for someone who makes you this happy? Especially when I find myself sympathetic to his reasons for what he did." She smiled at him, though her expression seemed sad.

Jackson nodded and smiled back. "I should probably still go visit Octavia tomorrow anyway," he said. "Can't let her be the only kid in there without someone to look out for her."

"I think you should," Abby agreed. "And I'm sure that would make Bellamy feel better, too. You're clear to go, barring emergencies."

Jackson nodded and pulled the open file on his desk closer. "What happened here?" he said.

"Oh." She nodded at the file. "Read it. I thought you might like to see the results of your report about Allard."

When he read the file, he saw that a female prisoner named Roma had reported to the guard that Allard had harassed her repeatedly. He looked up at Abby.

"Word's getting around the Skybox that they're safe from Allard." She smiled faintly. "Two other girls have made similar allegations, and one boy said he'd received a shocklashing for very little reason."

Jackson thought about what she was saying for a moment, and then couldn't stop himself from smiling as warmth spread through his chest. He'd spoken up for those kids, and now they felt protected enough to start speaking up for themselves. "Good for them," he said, but he felt a little breathless suddenly. After a moment, he laughed faintly. "Did I just accidentally adopt a couple hundred kids?" he asked.

Her smile strengthened. "You certainly have a couple hundred who look up to you now," she said. "I'm so proud of you."

He started to say something dismissive about how he'd just done what was right, but then stopped himself. He knew Abby cared about him, maybe even loved him in the way he loved her, but she had never been quick with praise.

"Thank you," he said, smiling at her warmly as he stood and wrapped his arms around her.

She made a surprised noise, but hugged him back tightly. "You made a difference, Jackson," she whispered. "A big one."

He grinned, squeezing her gently. His eyes were stinging suddenly, so he didn't pull back. "Bellamy's going to kill me for adopting kids before we've even discussed it," he joked, blinking hard.

She laughed. "No, I think he was right there with you," she teased. She hugged him a little tighter, then pulled back. "He'll be proud of you, too," she said warmly.

He was pretty sure he'd blinked the wetness from his eyes before she pulled back. He squeezed her shoulders and let go, the memory of what else he had to tell Bellamy tonight crashing back down on him. His smile slid off almost too quickly. "I think he's going to be too heartbroken for that," he said.

Abby sighed and put a hand on his shoulder. "At least he'll know that Octavia is safe because of you. That's no small thing, Jackson."

Jackson nodded, but he didn't really feel it. It wasn't like he could stand outside of Octavia's cell door, and helping get rid of one bad guard didn't automatically make the Skybox safe. "Thanks for showing me that," he said, gesturing to the file on his desk.

"Thanks for reminding me of our responsibilities as doctors," Abby said quietly. She squeezed his shoulder and turned to greet the older man walking into Medical.

It wasn't long before Jackson's first patient showed up, and then it was a steady stream of people until nearly seven. Jackson probably would have stayed later, wrapping up his reporting, but Bellamy showed up with a tray carrying enough food for three people.

"If your eating habits are anything like J's, I figure you probably skipped lunch," he told Abby, and held out the tray for her to pick.

Jackson didn't miss the pained look Abby darted at him, but she smiled at Bellamy. "Thank you, Bellamy." She took a couple of dishes. "Jackson, you should go. I'll be leaving soon myself."

Jackson considered asking her if she was sure, but they _both_ knew tonight wasn't going to go well, so he took her at her word. He filed a few things in his desk and locked it. "You'd better," he told her. "Say hi to Jake and Clarke for me," he added, straightening and reaching out to take the tray from Bellamy.

"I will. See you tomorrow," she said, already picking at her food.

Bellamy smiled at Jackson and let him have the tray. "I wasn't sure if I'd just be dropping this off for you or not," he said quietly as they walked toward the door. "You know I understand the long hours, right? I just want to make sure you eat."

"I know," Jackson said, glad Bellamy was letting him carry the food. "I didn't have anything left that couldn't wait until tomorrow, though." He thought about telling Bellamy about Allard and the Skybox kids' reports, but decided he should wait until they got home before bringing up anything that would remind Bellamy of the Skybox and Octavia until they got home.

"How was your day?" Bellamy asked as they walked.

Jackson shrugged. "Long. Busy. Nothing too exciting, though. Yours?"

"Eh, nothing exciting, nothing terrible." Bellamy glanced sidelong at him. "I...actually didn't hate it."

Jackson chuckled. "Good," he said. He should probably say more, but the sinking feeling in his stomach was returning.

Bellamy frowned at him for a second, but then turned his gaze back to the passage ahead of them. "You know, I was thinking...maybe we should start a chess game. It's something that wouldn't matter what shift I'm on. We just play whenever we can."

Jackson looked over at Bellamy, smiling faintly as Bell's words tugged at a memory. "That's what me and mom used to do," he said softly. He'd actually planned to ask Bellamy later if Octavia had actually learned how to play when he'd tried to teach her, and see if he could bring the chess board into lockup with him to play with her tomorrow, but that would have to wait.

"Oh. Is that...okay?" Bellamy asked, watching his face. "I just thought it made sense."

Jackson smiled more warmly at him. "It does. We should do that."

Bell brushed Jackson's hip with the back of his hand. "If you're sure. Sally says low man on the totem pole usually works third, but her third shift guy likes it, so I'm stuck at second for a while, at least."

Jackson nodded. "No, I like the idea." He walked a little closer to Bell, letting their shoulders brush. Sinclair passed them in the hall and nodded at Jackson, and Jackson returned the nod and kept walking. "So she thinks you'll eventually be able to switch?"

"Probably, but no idea how soon." Bellamy sighed. "It's not quite what I imagined for my life, but it might not be as bad as I was afraid it would."

Jackson smiled, even though dread was pooling in his stomach as they got closer and closer to home. How was he even going to eat? "I don't care what you do. I just want you to be happy."

Bellamy laughed and leaned in to murmur, "If I hadn't already known I loved you, the fact you tried to convince me that being a janitor was okay would have done it." He was smiling faintly at Jackson.

"It _is_ okay," Jackson insisted. "It's just a job. It doesn't define you, just like being a farmer didn't define my mom." An idea suddenly occurred to him. "Hey, maybe you could tutor on the side, like she did."

He saw the uncertainty on Bellamy's face, but then something shifted in his expression, and Bell was smiling. "Maybe." His voice was low. "I hadn't thought about that."

Jackson smiled back, even as Bellamy was unlocking the door to their home. "Yeah, once you're able to switch shifts, you could do that," he said, and he tried to ignore the twisting of his stomach as he stepped inside.

"I wonder if they keep schooling the kids in the Skybox," Bellamy mused. "I'll have to ask Octavia about that. If not, I'll have to take her some books." He took the tray from Jackson and carried it over to the table. "Let me get out of this before we eat," he added, gesturing at his sanitation jumpsuit.

Jackson nodded, sighing heavily, and peeled out of his coat. He stared at the food on the table for a minute, but didn't sit. He watched Bellamy change, and then took his hand and pulled him toward the bed. "Before we eat, we need to talk," he said. "About tomorrow." He felt a little like he might be sick, but he tugged Bellamy down to sit next to him.

"You couldn't get out of work?" Bellamy asked, sitting close. "It's okay. I mean, I'd rather you be there too, but you can always go next time."

"No, Bell. Abby said I could go," Jackson said. He draped his arm around Bellamy's shoulders, and decided to just say it, get the words out, rip the bandage off. "Jaha…" 

He expelled a breath. Okay, so _just saying it_ wasn't so simple. "Someone should have told you sooner. Kane. Or Abby. Or fucking…" He sucked in a sharp breath, then blurted, "Jaha revoked your visitation privileges. You can't go see her."

Bellamy just stared at him for a couple of heartbeats. "What?" He shook his head, looking stunned. " _What?_ Why the hell--that fucking _asshole_. Haven't they done enough?" He jerked to his feet and paced across the room, his hands clenching into fists. When he spun back to stare at Jackson, the glimmer of tears was visible in his eyes. "They float my mother and rip my sister out of our home, then bust me out of the guard and make me a fucking _janitor_ , and now they take away my _visitation rights_? What the hell?"

Jackson held his gaze, knowing his own expression was pained. "I'm so sorry," he said, unsure if approaching Bellamy was wise. He wanted to hold Bell, but maybe he should let him vent for a moment.

"God _damn_ it!" Bell shoved his hands in his hair, clutching so hard his knuckles whitened. His shoulders were heaving, but Jackson wasn't sure if it was from sobs or just his angry breathing. "All this because Mom wanted two kids," he spat. "What a fucking crime. They already floated her for it. Can't they just leave me and Octavia alone?"

"I wish they would," Jackson said, and stood to walk over to Bellamy because it physically hurt _not_ to try to comfort him. He rested his hands on Bellamy's waist. "Abby said she's trying to convince Jaha to reverse his decision, and until then, I will go see Octavia every chance I can. I know that doesn't help you, but…"

Bellamy sighed and leaned against Jackson's chest. Jackson could feel the tension in every line of his body. "I'm so tired of this," he muttered. "Haven't we lost enough?"

"I'm sorry," Jackson whispered, wrapping his arms around Bellamy and turning his head to kiss his hair. He pressed his fingers into the muscle of Bellamy's back, trying to ease some of the tension. "I wish I could do more."

Bellamy leaned into him harder, his arms finally coming up to hold onto Jackson. "You'll tell Doctor Griffin that I'm grateful for her efforts? I may hate the Chancellor and most of the Council, but she's been really good to me." His voice was still angry, but he was starting to relax just a little.

"I'll tell her," Jackson said. His hands worked their way up to knead at Bellamy's shoulders. "I'm so sorry," he repeated. "I love you so much, and I fucking hate Jaha right now on your behalf."

Bellamy let his head fall to rest on Jackson's shoulder. "God, that feels good," he mumbled. "He's sure lost my vote."

Jackson pressed his cheek to Bellamy's head and sighed, then he pulled away. "Here," he said, and tugged Bellamy toward the bed. "Take your shirt off." He couldn't fix Bellamy's broken heart, but he could try to work as much tension out of his body as possible. "Lay down on your stomach."

Bell did as he was told, settling down on the bed with a deep sigh. "I didn't mean to ruin your evening."

"You didn't," Jackson insisted. "Jaha did." He climbed onto the bed, straddling Bellamy's hips and settling his weight on Bellamy's ass. He hadn't given a lot of massages, but he did know enough about anatomy that he thought he could probably do a good job, so he started working his thumbs into the muscles at the small of Bellamy's back.

Bellamy grunted in what sounded like relief. "So you'll go see O tomorrow, right? You'll take her a letter for me? I can try to explain." He snorted. "Even though I don't really understand myself."

"I'll take her anything you want me to," Jackson said, working his hands slowly, meticulously up. "I was thinking I could bring the chess board, too. Did she pick it up when you tried to teach her?"

Bellamy snorted again, but this time it sounded amused. "I'm pretty sure she lost those pawns deliberately," he said. "Mmm, oh, that feels good."

Jackson smiled faintly. "What does she like to do then?" he asked softly, putting some of his weight into pushing the tension out of Bellamy's body.

"She reads a lot. She used to spend a lot of time on her studies, and she helped Mom with her work." Bell's voice was a little muffled. Jackson could feel him relaxing a little more, though. "Maybe she'd like languages. You two could learn Hindi together."

Jackson chuckled. "We could talk about you right in front of you after she's out, and you'd have no idea what we were saying," he said, his hands reaching Bellamy's mid-back and smoothing out over his ribcage. "I did mention _I_ wasn't that great at languages, right?"

"Mm-hmm." Bell sighed again. "She might enjoy it though. It'd give you two something. I dunno."

"I'll see if she's interested," Jackson said. He really didn't have enough time to learn a new language at the moment, but Octavia probably had a lot of time on her hands. If she had an interest and a talent for languages, Octavia would probably be teaching _him_ Hindi before long. But something about passing along his mother's interests felt nice anyway. His hands moved higher. "Feel good?"

Bell groaned quietly. "So good. I almost can't stay angry." He took a couple of deep breaths and then sighed. "I really wouldn't make it without you. Mm. How was your day, aside from having to tell your boyfriend bad news from the Council?"

"Not bad," Jackson said, then he smiled a little. "I found out I may have adopted a small army of kids without consulting you, though."

"You--huh?" Bellamy opened his eyes, glancing at Jackson sidelong. "Better explain that one."

Jackson huffed a laugh and leaned down to kiss Bellamy's shoulder before continuing the massage. His hands were starting to cramp, but he ignored it. "Abby brought me the file on what happened to Allard," he said. "Apparently, after I made my report, word got around the Skybox. One of the boys came forward about being aggressively shocklashed, and several girls complained about being harassed."

"Wow." Bell shifted a little so he could look at Jackson better. "That's a big deal, J. That's great. I mean, what he was doing wasn't great, but you stopped that."

Jackson snorted, and pushed Bellamy back down against the bed. "I just did the right thing. It's not hard." He pressed the heels of his hands into Bellamy's shoulderblades. "Anyway, he's out of the Skybox, and hopefully on his way out of the guard. Excessive force is bad, but harassing teenage girls is just… fucked up."

Bell grunted. "Doing the right thing _is_ hard, sometimes. Take the compliment. You did good."

"Fine," Jackson said, pretending it was a complaint. "Thank you," he said, his fingers finally curling around Bellamy's shoulders and squeezing gently.

Bellamy sighed, closing his eyes again. "Better," he mumbled. His body felt much more relaxed than it had when Jackson started, but he sighed again.

Jackson kneaded Bell's shoulders, then up his neck a little more gently before giving in to the aching of his hands and stopping. He shook them out and stretched them, then leaned down to kiss the back of Bellamy's neck. "I love you," he whispered against damp skin, and kissed Bell again.

"Ohh, I love you too," Bell breathed. He shifted to one side. "Want a proper kiss," he said. He wasn't smiling, but he _was_ relaxed, at least. That was definite progress.

"I don't know," Jackson said. "I kind of like you at my mercy like this." He lifted enough for Bellamy to turn over under him anyway, though, and leaned down to press his mouth to Bell's.

Bellamy hummed into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Jackson and pulling him close. "J," he breathed, and kissed him again.

Jackson slid his fingers into Bell's hair and deepened the kiss, keeping the pace slow and tender. Their food was going to be cold when they finally ate-- _if_ they ate--but Jackson didn't care. He just wanted to be whatever Bellamy needed right now.

Bell didn't seem to want anything but long, slow kisses and Jackson in his arms. When he finally pulled back, he was breathing a little hard, but he felt relaxed against Jackson, and he smiled faintly. "I love you," he whispered. "You're so strong."

Jackson huffed a small laugh, stroking his fingertips against Bellamy's cheek. "You're the strong one," he murmured. "I'm just standing next to you."

"Holding me up," Bellamy countered. "You're stronger than I could ever be."

Jackson gave him an unhappy smile. "You're only saying that because you've never seen me suffer any real loss." He sighed and shifted off to Bellamy's side, wrapping his arm over Bellamy's chest. "When my mom died, I handled it in really unhealthy ways."

"You did?" Bellamy sounded surprised. He put his hand on Jackson's arm.

"Yeah," Jackson said, sighing. "I cried on Abby's shoulder briefly, and then I buried myself in training and work to the point that my boyfriend left me a few months later. I can't blame him; you can't be with someone who's not really there. I don't think I looked up again until you came along, though… five years later."

Bellamy didn't say anything for a few moments. He shifted enough to get both arms around Jackson and pull him closer. Then he exhaled. "I'm glad I caught your attention, at least." He pressed a kiss to Jackson's hair.

"Well, you are very good looking," Jackson teased.

Bell chuckled. "It was probably the repeated exposure that did it. I should thank Heron and the rest of them."

Jackson smiled, feeling good that he'd managed to get a small laugh out of Bellamy. He kissed Bell's cheek. "We should probably eat," he said finally. He didn't want to get up, but Bellamy would grump at him if his stomach started to grumble.

"We should. It's probably all cold by now, thanks to me." Bell kissed Jackson softly and then sat up, pulling Jackson after him. "Thank you."

Jackson followed him to the table, and they mostly ate in silence. Jackson could see some tension return to Bellamy's body, but it never got as bad as it was when Jackson had first broken the news. When they finished eating, Bellamy wanted to start his letter for Octavia, so Jackson sat in front of his lowest bookshelf and sorted through his mother's language books.

Jackson wasn't sure if Octavia would like Hindi, French or Spanish better, so he decided he'd let her decide and grabbed beginners texts on all three. He put them on the table to remember to bring them to lockup tomorrow.

He and Bellamy played chess for the rest of the night until it was time to sleep, and left the board mid-game. By the time the next morning came, Jackson was tired from all of Bellamy's tossing and turning the night before, but he got ready for work, made his move in the chess game, and left.

He wound up with a deluge of patients very early, and started to worry he might not be able to see Octavia, but as soon as the flow of patients started to slow down, Abby told him to go, so he did.

The guards outside of the Skybox inspected the books he'd brought, patted him down, and then directed Jackson toward a common room where the kids would be. The room was loud, full of kids huddled in groups with their families, chatting boisterously.

Jackson scanned the room for Octavia, but Monty Green caught his eyes first. Monty beamed at him and gave a thumbs up, then said something to what Jackson assumed were his parents, who looked over at Jackson and smiled. Jackson waved awkwardly and kept scanning the room.

His stomach lurched when he saw John Murphy, sitting alone with a scowl on his face. Jackson had _just_ told Bellamy about what had happened to John's mother, and now John was in here. Jackson considered going over to talk to him, even just to say he was sorry to hear about his mother, but then someone tapped his shoulder.

"Jackson!" Octavia smiled at him as he turned, but then she looked past him. "Where's Bellamy?"

"Hey, Octavia," he said, trying to smile. It didn't feel right on his face. "He couldn't come," he said, and then decided to risk it and pulled her in for a hug. She'd hugged him before, after all. Hopefully she hadn't gotten awkward on him since he'd last seen her.

"What?" she asked, but hugged him back tightly. "Why couldn't he come? Is he okay?"

"He's fine," he said. "He can't come because the Chancellor's an asshole." Jackson let her go and stepped back. "Is there somewhere we can sit? I'll explain."

"We can get a table," she said, leading the way over to an unoccupied corner table. "I already knew the Chancellor's an asshole, since he floated my mom," she said when they got there. "He hasn't done anything to Bellamy, has he? Tell me everything."

"There's not a whole lot to tell," Jackson said, sitting and placing the books on the table in front of him, spines facing him. "Jaha revoked his visitation rights as a punishment."

"He _what_?" Octavia stared at him, her mouth open. "For--what, for the whole _time_? What an asshole! He already made us orphans, and now he's going to keep us apart? That's--that's like separating Oliver and the Artful Dodger!" She glared at the tabletop.

Jackson's lips thinned. "As far as I know, it's indefinite until they let you out in two, but my friend Abby--Doctor Griffin--you've met her. She says she's trying to change his mind."

"This place sucks. I seriously don't even know why Mom had me." She slumped in her seat. "If Bell didn't have you to visit for him, I wouldn't even see _anyone_ who cared about me."

"Well, luckily that's not the case," Jackson said. "You're stuck with me for a while whether you like it or not."

"I'm glad." Octavia straightened and looked back up at him. "I'm sorry. I ought to be happy that you're here. I _am_ happy that you're here." She leaned on the table, watching him. "How is Bell?"

Jackson shook his head, waving away her apology. "He's slowly doing better. A few setbacks here and there, most notably when I had to tell him last night he couldn't come see you. And when they gave him his new job assignment." He frowned at her. "They made him a janitor." 

She stared at him. "A janitor? They kicked him out of the guard and then instead of doing something that actually fits him, they make him a janitor? God, I bet he _loved_ that." She rolled her eyes. "I mean, there's nothing wrong with being a janitor, but he's so smart. Mom assigned some of my lessons, but Bell was the one who taught me the most. He was always so frustrated I'd rather play make believe instead of chess. And they made him a janitor."

Jackson nodded. "I'm trying to convince him to take up tutoring once he gets on a better shift. It'll at least be more rewarding than sanitation." He sat forward and leaned on the table. "How's life in here? Your blood panel came back perfectly normal, so I assume you have a roommate now. Have you met anyone cool?"

Octavia shrugged. "Her name's Fox. She doesn't really talk much. I borrowed a book from her, so I've been reading that. It's about vampires, so not my thing, but it's better than going crazy. I didn't think Lockup could be worse than being stuck in our rooms all the time, but at least there I had Bell to talk to."

Jackson held a sigh and glanced around the room. "They let you guys socialize a little, don't they? At least, the non-violent kids?"

"Some, but not much. We're not here on _vacation_. We're here because we're _criminals_. Apparently we're not supposed to have friends." She rolled her eyes. "I mean, seriously, they think this is going to magically turn us into productive members of society when we turn eighteen?"

Jackson sighed. " _You_ are not a criminal," he told her. "As far as I'm concerned, anyway. And probably most people on the Ark would agree if they knew anything about you." He suddenly wished he could start spreading Bellamy and Octavia's story around the Ark. He _could_ probably get enough popular support to get Octavia released. But then he'd probably be floated for starting an uprising. 

Jackson pushed the books across the table, turning the spines to face her. "It's not vampires, but it's not Dickens either. Bellamy thought you might be interested in languages," he said. "Oh," he added, flipping open the cover of the top book to reveal the letter Bellamy had written for Octavia. "Bell wrote that for you."

"A letter!" She snatched at it, then hesitated. "I don't know whether to read it now or to save it." She set it on the table and looked at the books. "Do you speak any of these languages?" she asked, looking up at him. "Bell never tried languages with me."

Jackson shook his head. "I don't speak any of them. One phrase in Hindi, but that's it." He shrugged. "Bell thought we could learn one together, if you're interested." He gave her a small grin. "If we're ever pissed at him after you're out, we can talk about him right in front of his face, and he won't know it."

Octavia laughed faintly. "He'll know that we're talking about him, just not what we're saying. Unless you decide to just randomly talk to me in Hindi about other stuff besides him." She opened the book, looking at the table of contents. "If you don't speak any of them, where did you get these?" she asked.

"They were my mom's," he said. "She spoke all of them. And English. And if we're going to learn another language, we'll need to speak it randomly to stay in practice. He'll never know when we're talking about him."

"All right, I'm convinced," Octavia said, smiling at him mischievously. "Hindi it is. Why did your mom speak all those languages? You said your mom was a farmer, didn't you? She just loved languages."

Jackson returned her smile. "She did," he said. He gestured at the books in front of her. "Of those, Hindi is probably the hardest, though. Spanish might be easier at first."

"Is that the language you'd rather learn?" she asked. "Since Bell seems to have ordered you to learn it with me?"

Jackson chuckled. "He didn't _order_ me to do anything," he said, smiling. "I'm honestly not sure I have the space in my brain for another language, but I'll try at whichever one you want."

"Hindi was your mom's first language, though, right? I'd rather learn a language that means something to you."

Jackson felt his smile go warmer. "Hindi was my mom's first language, yes," he said, "and that's sweet of you, but not necessary."

She snorted. "What else am I going to do in here for a year and a half? I want to learn Hindi."

Jackson nodded, still smiling. "Not afraid of a challenge," he said. "I like it. I'll leave that with you, then," he said, gesturing at the book, "and then you can teach me what you've learned between visitation times when I see you."

"So how are you?" Octavia said, hugging the book against her chest. "Besides a hero to half the kids in lockup, anyway?"

Jackson huffed, but ignored the last part. "I'm good. Busy. Always busy with work, but…" He shrugged, but when he realized what he was about to say next, he couldn't help but grin. "I'm also head over heels for this... _guy_ I'm seeing, so I'm pretty happy in general." God, that was ridiculous.

Octavia laughed. "Head over heels, huh? I bet he feels the same way about you."

"I think so," Jackson said. "He did bring me flowers, and threatened me with chocolates, and told me he loved me, so…" He felt his face warming a little, but he thought it would probably be nice for Octavia to know _something_ was going right for her brother. And part of him wanted Octavia to understand just _how much_ Jackson cared about him.

"Oh my God, he got you flowers?!" Octavia wasn't quite squealing, but her voice had definitely gotten higher in pitch. "He told you he loves you?" She got out of her chair and threw herself at him for a hug. "Thank you for making my brother happy."

He held her tightly, wondering if it would be awkward to tug her into his lap so this hug wasn't at such a weird angle. After a moment, he decided that sixteen was probably too old for that, and it might embarrass her. "I love him too," he said. "So much." 

Suddenly it hit him that if things kept going the way they were, Octavia might one day be his sister-in-law. He squeezed her tighter.

"I am _so_ glad he has you," Octavia whispered. She squeezed him and then pulled away a little. "I wish so much that I could have spent time with you together."

"I wish you could too," he said. "Maybe Abby can change the Chancellor's mind eventually."

"I hope so." She went back to her own chair, but she was still beaming at him. "Now I know Bell will be okay."

"I already promised I'd take care of him," he said, nudging her leg under the table and giving her a crooked smile.

"I know, but there's only so much you can be responsible for. Now that I know he's in love with you, it's better."

Jackson nodded, not sure what to say to that. He gestured at the letter still on the table. "Bell said he put a blank piece of paper in there in case you wanted to write back, but they confiscated my pen at the door. Said it could be used as a weapon."

"Oh, they gave us special pens to use." She fished in the pocket of her jumpsuit and pulled one out. It was very small and clearly made of flimsy plastic. "I don't really have any news or anything, but I'll write to him just because." She looked up at Jackson. "But no reading it unless he tells you it's okay," she teased.

He snorted and nudged her again. "Already talking shit about me, huh?" he teased, sitting back and crossing his arms over himself. He grinned, but was becoming aware that the guards were slowly ushering visitors out. "Write fast," he said.

Octavia glanced up, then went back to scribbling. She'd filled almost half the page when the guards reached the family next to them. "Here," she said, and he saw her scrawl a heart and her name. Then she folded it in half and stood up. When she hugged him again, she kissed his cheek. "I'm so glad you're part of us now," she whispered.

"I'll try to come earlier next time," he promised. "Are you saying I'm an unofficial Blake now?" he asked, feeling warmed. He squeezed her and kissed the top of her head, then let go as the guard approached them, grabbing the Spanish and French books off the table.

"Obviously," she said, grinning at him. "Just wait till I get out of here to make it official, okay?"

 

***

 

Bellamy got home from his shift and found the quarters he shared with Jackson empty. He frowned, wishing Jackson were home. Then again, he'd taken some time off in the middle of the day, so he might be working late. Bellamy didn't want to make a nuisance of himself in Medical, so he paced around their rooms of a couple of minutes, then decided to clean up a little and shower. If Jackson still wasn't home by then, he'd think about heading to Medical to bring him dinner.

He heard the door opening as he stepped out of the shower, so he wrapped a towel around his waist and looked out to see Jackson come in and take his coat off. Jackson looked over and smiled at him, then dropped the books he was carrying off at the table and walked over to kiss Bellamy.

"Mmm, you always look so good just out of the shower," he murmured. "One day I'm going to join you in there."

"That sounds fun," Bell said, grinning at him. "How was your day?"

"Very busy," Jackson said. "But I did get to see Octavia. She wrote something for you. Made me promise not to read it unless you said it was okay." He lowered his head to place several wet kisses against Bellamy's neck. " _Taste_ really good after a shower too," he murmured.

Bellamy hummed and tilted his head, enjoying the little shivers of pleasure running through him. "How is she?" he asked, sliding his fingers into Jackson's hair.

"Good," Jackson murmured, nipping at Bellamy's jaw. "You know, I need a shower myself," he said, his tone suggestive.

Bellamy laughed. "Our shower is tiny," he murmured, but his body was definitely getting interested now. He tugged lightly on Jackson's hair.

"We'll figure it out," Jackson panted, and then he was stripping out of his clothes and pulling Bellamy back into the shower.

It was almost too cramped, but it didn't take long before the feeling of soapy skin against skin and Jackson's wandering mouth and hands distracted Bellamy from that. And then Jackson was turning him against the shower wall and preparing him.

It was a little rougher than it had been before, without real lube, but Bellamy found that he didn't mind that all that much, and his moans got swallowed by the running water. By the time Jackson came, Bellamy felt almost overheated between the sex and the shower steam, but he let Jackson jerk him off to completion against the wall.

Jackson was panting hard against the back of Bell's neck. "Fuck, I might pass out," he groaned, and then Bell heard the water turn off. "So _hot_ in here," he muttered, and opened the stall door. Bell sagged in relief at the rush of slightly cooler air that hit them.

"I already had the bathroom steamed up before you got home," Bellamy said. He found his discarded towel and wrapped it around him again, grinning at Jackson. It _was_ way too hot, but he couldn't complain, considering how good he felt.

Jackson smiled back at him, grabbing his own towel and scrubbing it through his hair. "God, busy day. Feel better now, though," he said, muffled under the towel.

Bell leaned against the wall, watching Jackson. He'd always thought Jackson was handsome, but that doctor's coat he wore at work hid his trim physique, and Bell enjoyed the view without it. "Glad I could help," he said, still grinning.

"Glad you could too," Jackson said, tugging the towel off his head and continuing to dry himself off. "Mm, and on top of the busy day, I'm pretty sure the Skybox guard stole my favorite pen."

"Asshole," Bell said, but he was too distracted by Jackson's abs to really put much feeling in it. It occasionally felt unreal that such a gorgeous, smart, kind man loved him. His grin softened a little.

"It had a nice glide to it," Jackson continued, seeming unaware of how Bellamy was watching him. "He said it got misplaced, but I don't buy it." Finally, he looked up, towel dangling against his thigh where Jackson had it balled in his fist. He blinked at Bellamy, then tilted his head, giving Bellamy a funny smile. "What?"

Bell shook his head faintly, smiling. "I just love you. I love looking at you and being around you. I'm sorry about your pen."

Jackson's smile widened. "It may be gone, but I'll always have the memories," he said, his grin going silly suddenly.

Bellamy snorted. "I'll start looking for pens to steal for you," he teased. God, he loved that expression on Jackson's face. It felt so good to have Jackson relaxed and looking happy.

"No stealing," Jackson insisted, still grinning as he walked over to kiss Bellamy softly, tracing his fingers over Bellamy's stomach. "Your sister made me an unofficial Blake today," he said softly.

The light touch made Bell's breathing hitch. "She did?" he murmured, pulling back to smile at Jackson. "She seriously likes you. I'm so glad."

An unofficial Blake. Bellamy liked that idea. Jackson _was_ Octavia's family now. In some ways, he was better than Bell, since he could actually visit. A pang of guilt hit him, but he shoved it away.

"So am I," Jackson said. He kissed Bellamy again, then pulled away, hanging his towel and starting to collect his clothes from where he'd tossed them off. "Her letter's on top of the books on the table," he said, padding out of the bathroom naked to put up his work clothes and change.

Bellamy followed him out and quickly pulled on boxers and a t-shirt before sitting at the table to read it.

 _Bell, oh my gosh, you told Jackson you love him? So proud of you--he's awesome. We're going to learn Hindi together. Did he tell you he's a Skybox hero for getting some awful guard fired? That's why the concussion? Be happy, listen to him. Tutoring's good idea._ Then she had scrawled a heart and her name.

Bellamy laughed. "I don't know why she didn't want you to read this," he said. "Maybe because she's got a little crush on my boyfriend." He slid the letter across the table, facing so Jackson could read it.

Jackson was just finishing dressing, and he walked over and picked up the letter. After a moment, he laughed too. "Why wouldn't she have a crush on me?" he teased. "I'm an awesome hero with good ideas." He grinned at Bell and handed the letter back.

Bell held his hand up, indicating size by holding thumb and forefinger apart a few inches. "Tiny little crush," he said, grinning. "But I can't say she's wrong."

Jackson chuckled, then walked over and sat in Bellamy's lap sideways, kissing him. The chair complained a little under their combined weight. "I got so lucky," he said. "When I signed on for you, I didn't realize I would get a bonus."

Bellamy slid his arms around Jackson. "Don't be entirely taken in. She can be pretty bratty if she puts her mind to it," he said, smiling up at him. This felt so nice. Bellamy wondered if he really had the right to be this happy, after everything that had happened. But Jackson was impossible to resist.

"She's still a kid. I've never met a kid who wasn't occasionally a brat," Jackson said. His arms were draped loosely over Bellamy's shoulders, his fingers playing with the hair at the nape of Bell's neck. "I thought we could go out for dinner tonight. Feels like we stay home a lot, and I like showing you off."

"Hmm, am I your trophy boyfriend?" Bellamy asked, shoving his doubts aside. "I like that idea." He lifted his face for a kiss.

"Good," Jackson said, leaning in to give him the kiss he was waiting for. It was slow and lingering, but when Jackson pulled away, he stood. "Get dressed," he said, grabbing the books on the desk and taking them back to the bookshelf.

Bellamy raised his eyebrows. "Yes, sir," he said, standing up and sorting through his clothes for a nicer shirt. When he was dressed, he decided to leave his hair alone; Jackson seemed to like the way it curled if Bellamy didn't slick it back.

Jackson looked him over and smiled at him. "I feel like I should change now," he said, curling his fingers into the Unity Day t-shirt he was wearing.

"Just doing my part as a trophy," Bell teased. He crossed the room and kissed Jackson. "You look good. Let's go eat."

"Okay," Jackson said, leading the way to the corridors and threading his fingers with Bellamy's as they started walking. On the way to the mess, Jackson told him all about what he and Octavia had talked about during visitation, and eventually Jackson let his hand drop and slid it around Bellamy's waist.

A couple times, people Bellamy didn't recognize greeted Jackson in the halls, and Jackson would exchange pleasantries without ever drawing away from Bell. The last person who greeted Jackson before they got to the mess was a beautiful woman with long dark hair. Her eyebrows lifted as she looked between Jackson and Bellamy, then she said, "Wow, I had _no_ idea."

"Now you do," Jackson said, smiling at her.

"Huh," she said. "Okay, I get it now." She grinned and walked past them, and Jackson chuckled.

When she was out of earshot, Jackson said, "Officer Callie Cartwig. She's one of Abby's close friends, and also a _bit_ of a cougar. Not anything wrong with that, really, and she looks amazing for her age, so why not? But she seemed utterly confused when I rejected her advances about a year ago. Should have been her first clue. I doubt she gets many rejections."

Bellamy laughed. "Not with her looks," he said, smiling. It felt good to be out with Jackson, to have proof that J wasn't ashamed to be with him after all that had happened. Maybe people weren't gossiping about him as much as he'd feared, but there were plenty of people they could run into who would know what had happened.

Jackson heaved an exaggerated sigh. "Sometimes not having any recreational interest in female anatomy is a terrible burden," he joked, then leaned in to kiss Bellamy briefly as they got to the entrance of the mess.

Bellamy gave him a surprised look, then smiled. "You really are making sure everyone knows I'm taken, aren't you?" he teased.

"Octavia said I wasn't allowed to be an official Blake until after she was out of lockup, so this is my next best option," Jackson said, his smile faded slightly, but his gaze on Bellamy was warm. "You're in for two more years of this."

Bellamy grinned at him. "Not complaining at all," he assured him. "And she's almost seventeen." Then he wondered what exactly 'an official Blake' meant. His stomach swooped pleasantly and he leaned against Jackson for a moment.

Jackson squeezed him. "A year and a few months, then," he said, kissing Bell's cheek, but then he had to let go of Bellamy to walk through the crowded mess to get their food.

Bell followed him, still smiling. He nodded at Gillmer and got a wave in return. When Bell and Jackson had their food, Bellamy looked to Jackson to pick their table.

Jackson looked back at him. "Anyone you want to sit with, or just us?" he asked.

"Gillmer's over there, but he's only got one empty seat at his table." Bell scanned the hall. "For that matter, all the tables have people at them. Do _you_ see anyone?"

Jackson looked around for a moment, then gestured with his tray toward a table across the room. Bellamy recognized the older, curly-haired man from the corridors the other day. "Sinclair's by himself," Jackson said. "I don't know him _super_ well, but he seems like a good guy."

Bellamy nodded and they made their way over to the table, stopping across from Sinclair. "Do you mind company?" Jackson asked.

"Hey, Jackson. No, have a seat." He glanced at Bellamy. "Don't think we've met. Sinclair." He held out a hand.

"Bellamy Blake," Bell said, shaking his hand. He glanced over at Jackson, then added, "Jackson's boyfriend."

Jackson huffed, sitting down. "I like that. Might start introducing myself like that. 'Jackson, Bellamy Blake's boyfriend.' Not sure how my patients would respond, though. I'll run it by Abby first," he said, grinning at Bell.

Sinclair laughed. "Somehow I'm not sure she'd think that entirely professional," he said. "But it saves me from asking how you two know each other."

Jackson nodded, taking a bite of his food. "Sinclair's the Chief Engineering Officer," he told Bellamy. "They been keeping you busy?" he said, looking back at Sinclair.

Sinclair grunted. "Lost one of my apprentices a few weeks ago, so I've been splitting my time between my actual work and recruiting."

Bellamy glanced over at Sinclair. "How'd that happen?"

He sighed. "Lockup. He's a good kid who made a mistake. I miss him."

"There are a lot of good kids in lockup, unfortunately," Jackson said, pressing his leg against Bellamy's under the table. "There are at least a handful I can think of that don't need to be in there."

Bell shot Jackson a grateful look. "It seems harsh sometimes. We're all dumb when we're young." He took a bite of his food. "Do you know if he'll be able to return to Engineering after he turns eighteen?"

"I certainly hope so," Sinclair said. "I doubt they'll float him, or his best friend, for what they did." Bellamy saw Jackson straighten slightly, but Sinclair continued. "He will have missed a couple years of training, but Monty was one of my most promising, so there's no way I wouldn't take him back."

"Monty Green?" Jackson said, smiling. Sinclair looked a little surprised, but nodded. "He _is_ one of the good ones," Jackson said.

Bellamy laughed a little at the expression on Sinclair's face. "I've decided Jackson just knows everyone," he told the engineer. "He's been looking after my sister in lockup too."

"Your--" He saw Sinclair's brows draw together, then he nodded. "I remember hearing something about that. She's, what, sixteen?" When Bellamy nodded, Sinclair gave him a sympathetic look. "Tough break."

Bell let his lips pull to one side in acknowledgment, but he just nodded and took another bite of food.

Jackson lifted his hand and ran it over Bellamy's back a couple times before going back to his own food. After a moment, he sighed. "How un-fun is it being part of the bureaucracy around here?" he said, glancing at Sinclair before taking a bite of his food. 

"Pretty un-fun most of the time," Sinclair admitted. He tilted his head at Jackson. "I suspect you'll have front row seat soon enough, though."

Jackson sighed. "Great."

Bellamy glanced over at Jackson, wondering if there was a promotion in the works for him. Or maybe Doctor Griffin had a special project of some kind that the Council had decided on. "It sounds like I'm better off being out of all that," he said lightly. "Sanitation might not be very challenging, but there's no bureaucracy involved."

Jackson smiled faintly, nudging Bellamy. "I'm hoping 'soon enough' means in a few years," he said. "Six more years. I'd like to at least hit thirty before they make me a Medical Officer and I start going grey, and you leave me for a younger man." Jackson's smile widened. He looked at his plate, completely missing the almost-grave expression on Sinclair's face that said it was probably going to much sooner than that, and took another bite. 

Bellamy exchanged a look with Sinclair, then looked over at Jackson, nudging him back. "I like a little grey. It's distinguished-looking." He didn't know Sinclair well enough to joke with him, or he would have added, _Just look across the table_. As it was, he just smiled at Jackson and turned back to his food.

"That's what my wife says," Sinclair said. He huffed, scraping together the last bites of his food. "She seems to like it. Meanwhile, I still forget sometimes I'm not twenty-four anymore until I look in the mirror."

Jackson let out a small laugh. "I didn't know you were married," he said. "Do you have a kid?"

"Never happened, and we ended up deciding it wasn't in the cards," Sinclair said. He shrugged. "Probably for the best, considering how many hours we both put in at work." Then he smiled. "Anyway, my apprentices are more challenging than raising a kid of my own, I think."

Jackson snorted. "You think?" he asked. "Abby said maybe in a few months, I could start working with someone in medical." He shrugged. "We need extra hands pretty badly."

"If Abby would just stop being stubborn about Clarke proving herself," Sinclair remarked. "She's proven herself to everyone except her mother."

Bellamy grinned. "At least apprentices don't come with dirty diapers and projectile vomiting," he said.

That made Jackson laugh, and he looked warmly over at Bellamy. "Bellamy Blake: the only guy at this table who's _actually_ raised a child."

"Totally worth it," Bellamy said, his grin softening into a smile as he thought of the way Octavia used to curl up in his lap for a story after he got home from school. "But a lot of work."

"I can only imagine," Jackson said. "For now, anyway." He nudged Bellamy's leg under the table, but he seemed to be blushing suddenly as he looked back at his food.

Sinclair cleared his throat. "My break is pretty much over. I should probably head back. It was nice to meet you Bellamy," he said, standing.

"You too, sir," Bellamy said, hoping he wasn't blushing as hard as Jackson. He watched as Sinclair left, then stared down at his plate. Jackson talked so casually about their future, like he took it for granted this was forever. Was that what he thought? Bellamy blinked at his food. Was that what Bellamy wanted?

No question. Yes.

Okay, so why was it so weird to hear Jackson talk about having a kid?

He glanced over at Jackson and cleared his throat. "I'm trying to figure out if you proposed to me earlier and I missed it," he teased, hoping he sounded as light as he was trying for.

Jackson snorted. "When I do that, you _won't_ miss it," he said. Finally, he looked back up from his plate and met Bellamy's gaze, his expression vulnerable.

Bellamy smiled slowly. "Good. I'd hate to miss that." He nudged Jackson's leg with his own. "And I'm pretty sure Octavia would kill you if she wasn't around for that." His chest felt tight, but it was a good kind of tight, like he had too much happiness and didn't know what to do with it all.

A smile crept onto Jackson's face too. After a moment, he leaned in and gave Bellamy a peck on the mouth. "God, I didn't mean to say that," he said. "It just came out. Sinclair fucking bolted, didn't he?" He sounded somewhere between amused and embarrassed.

Bellamy laughed. "He totally did. Kind of an awkward conversation to have with a guy you just met."

"Yeah, I guess," Jackson said, smiling. "Especially given that we were both being so obviously laid back about it."

"I admit, you took me by surprise, too," Bellamy said. He glanced sideways at Jackson. He hadn't thought about a kid. He'd barely gotten used to thinking of Jackson as his boyfriend, as someone who wasn't going to give up on him or disappear. But now that he thought about it, he didn't think Jackson should miss out on being a dad. He'd be good at it.

"I… yeah." Jackson took a bite of his food, but he looked like he had something he wanted to say as he chewed. After a moment, he drew a heavy breath and turned to look at Bellamy. "I'm just… going to say this. I know it hasn't been long, and I'm not talking _tomorrow_ , but… I want everything for us, Bell."

Bellamy's pulse jumped, but it wasn't actually unpleasant. God, he had it bad if he'd started _liking_ the way Jackson kept pushing him out of his comfort zone. He reached over and curled his fingers around Jackson's. "I'm still working on trusting myself not to screw this up," he admitted, "but I've never met anyone who deserved everything as much as you do. So...that sounds good to me."

Jackson smiled, looking ridiculously pleased. He clasped his free hand over their joined ones. "You could never screw this up," he said. "Not even possible."


	12. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has commented and left kudos. We've fallen in love with this ship, so I'm sure there will be more Bellamy/Jackson from us in the future. :D

**Epilogue**

 

The next three months were probably the happiest of Jackson's life. They weren't without their struggles. Bellamy's depression didn't disappear overnight, obviously, and he still fell apart on occasion. And there was something going on with Abby that she wasn't talking about.

Still, every minute Jackson could spend with Bellamy or Octavia, he poured all his efforts into helping them heal. Into loving them.

He and Bellamy had celebrated Jackson's birthday, and had plans to do Thanksgiving dinner with the Griffins.

A couple weeks into November, though, Abby didn't show up for work one morning. Jackson shrugged it off, assuming she was busy with the council, but when she didn't show her face for the entire day, Jackson was a little concerned.

He headed for her rooms after his shift was over and knocked. It seemed to take a long time for anyone to answer, but Abby finally did. There was something about her that seemed entirely off.

She cleared her throat and stepped aside to let him in. "Jackson. I actually needed to talk to you. Come in," she said.

He nodded and stepped inside, glancing around. There was no game on the television. Clarke wasn't playfully arguing with Jake, and she wasn't in her favorite chair sketching. It was almost alarmingly quiet. He gave Abby a questioning smile. "Where is everyone?" he asked, closing the door behind him.

To his shock, Abby's face crumpled and she started to sob. 

Jackson automatically went to wrap his arms around her, and she dropped her head to his shoulder, her own shoulders shaking. What the hell was going on? "Abby, what's wrong? What happened today?"

"Jake," she whispered finally. "Jake's gone. Clarke--" She couldn't finish. She pressed her face against his shoulder again, letting out another sob. "I don't know where to start."

Jackson stroked his hand over her hair. _Jake's gone?_ What did that mean? Jake and Abby had split up? "You-- you guys seemed fine. We were going to have Thanksgiving together," he said, squeezing her tight. "I'm so sorry."

Abby took a ragged breath. "He...he went against the Council," she whispered. "He dragged Clarke into it." She sucked in another breath and pulled back, straightening her shoulders. When she cleared her throat, Jackson could almost see her regaining control of herself. "Several months ago, Jake discovered a flaw with the oxygen system. One that can't be fixed." She swallowed. "The Council decided to keep it secret. Jake defied them and made a video, intending to broadcast it Ark-wide." She met Jackson's gaze, her lips pressed into a thin line for a moment.

"They floated Jake this morning," she said at last.

Jackson's eyes had widened as soon as she started talking about a flaw with the oxygen system, stunned Abby was telling him this, but when she finished speaking, he felt a little sick. He shook his head slowly. Abby could be floated for what she just said. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I need your help, and I need you to understand the stakes," she said. "The Council has a plan, but it's going to take a lot of expertise. The paperwork isn't official yet, but you're being promoted to Medical Officer." She paused. "Provided you accept," she said, her tone implying it was obvious he would accept.

Jackson stared at her, trying to process what she was saying. At twenty-five, he would be the youngest officer on the Ark. Suddenly Sinclair's comments from three months ago made sense. Had Abby been pushing for him to be made an officer before then?

"Of course I accept," Jackson said. Abby wouldn't be asking this of him so soon if she didn't feel like it was absolutely necessary. It occurred to him that Abby should be grieving right now. Or maybe she needed to explain what this plan the council had was so he knew what he'd be working on. God, she'd dumped a lot of information on him at once.

She nodded. "Good." Then she pressed her lips together again, and her eyes filled with tears before she could look away. She let out a shaky breath. "Clarke is in solitary confinement in the Skybox. She was going to go ahead with her father's plan." Abby's voice was choked. "I won't be allowed to see her, probably, so I'll need to make you her doctor in case anything comes up."

She was silent for a moment, but her tense posture kept Jackson from speaking. He wasn't sure if she would welcome more comfort when she was obviously trying to hold herself together now.

"Earth," she said finally. "The Council has decided to move into the test phase of Project Exodus. There's always been a plan for returning to Earth. We're just moving it forward. We'll send a group to Earth. Small enough that we'll be able to continue the human race if they don't survive, but large enough to give us a good test pool. We'll need to come up with some sort of biometric tracking device. I'm working with Sinclair on that. I'll need you to take over a lot more of the day-to-day Medical responsibilities."

She finally looked back at him. "I know I'm asking a lot, Jackson. And you need to keep almost all of this from Bellamy." Her gaze was sad, but unflinching. "I don't ask this lightly."

Jackson nodded slowly. "I understand." He drew a shaky breath and gestured at her couch. "Can we sit? This is… a lot," he admitted.

She nodded and then lead their way to the couch, where she slowly went through the details of what was happening with the Ark's oxygen supply, and answered his questions on Project Exodus. By the time he felt like he understood it, Jackson felt a little overwhelmed, and was almost hyper aware of his own breathing.

The Ark was dying. Every breath he took was consuming more oxygen.

After a moment, he realized neither of them had said anything for a while. Abby had folded her hands in her lap and was staring at them. Jackson felt his eyes prickle. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "About Jake."

He saw Abby's knuckles whiten. "He wouldn't listen to me," she whispered. "I couldn't save him."

Jackson drew in a slow breath, then shifted closer to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "I'm sure you did everything you could," he murmured. "How did the council find out?"

Abby shuddered. "Thelonious," she whispered. "Thelonious was Jake's best friend. I thought...I thought if anyone could talk Jake out of going public..." Her voice broke and she covered her face with her hands.

Oh, God. Abby had told the Chancellor because she was desperate, and the Chancellor had… Oh, God. Jackson wrapped his other arm around Abby and pulled her firmly against his chest. "I'm sorry, Abby," he whispered.

As she broke down again, Jackson couldn't help but think of the calm way Jaha had acted when he ordered Bellamy's mom to be floated. Had he been as calm when he floated his own _best friend_ for defying him? How could he have done it?

Then he thought about Bellamy. God, what was he going to tell Bell? How would he be able to keep this from him? But he had to. For Bell's safety as well as his own and Abby's.

Abby finally exhausted herself with her grief. Jackson hated leaving her alone, but she insisted she would be all right.

When he got home, Bellamy was already asleep, which spared him having to tell him anything. For the next two days, Jackson worked such long hours they barely saw each other, and when they finally had dinner together, he'd worked out how to tell Bellamy he'd been promoted because of Abby's increasing responsibilities with the Council.

Bellamy seemed to accept Jackson's promotion as his due, and despite the unhappiness that still occasionally resurfaced regarding his own work as a janitor, he seemed genuine in his happiness for Jackson.

It took a couple weeks before Jackson stopped listening to his every breath like it was the end of the world--the end of the _Ark_. But even after that, the months that followed were long and hard. Between the hours spent in medical, the additional hours spent working with Sinclair on the design he'd come up with for bracelets, and occasionally being dragged into official council business, sometimes it felt like he never got to see Bellamy. 

Bellamy had accepted that there were things Jackson couldn't tell him about the work he was doing, but he couldn't help fear Bellamy would get tired of an absentee boyfriend after a while. That was the reason his last boyfriend had left, after all.

Even their one year anniversary came and went with little fanfare, just a nice meal and some much-needed sex.

The only thing Bellamy really complained about, though, was the fact that Jackson was mostly off Skybox duty now that he had other, more pressing duties. More than anything, Bellamy seemed determined to take care of Jackson. During his "lunch" period, he would bring Jackson a dinner tray from the mess, he left snacks on Jackson's desk, and he kept their rooms tidy. He occasionally _did_ drag Jackson out of Medical and insist he get at least six hours of sleep, but he never showed any signs of being dissatisfied in their relationship.

He still occasionally had bad days, when the grief was too much for him to deal with, but as far as Jackson could tell, Bellamy had kept his word about not drinking anymore, and over the course of the year, those days grew further apart.

It wasn't until two weeks before the dropship was set to launch that Jackson saw the names of the intended passengers. His stomach swooped uncomfortably as he started to recognize names.

Jasper Jordan. Monty Green. Zoe Monroe. Nathan Miller.

Clarke Griffin.

Octavia Blake.

Jackson felt like he was going to be sick. For ten months he'd been working on this project, and no one told him they were sending _children_ to Earth. "Did you know?" he asked Abby, his voice low.

She sighed. "I knew." Her lips turned down. "Some of them were chosen for their unique skills. Clarke's medical knowledge, Monty Green's background in agriculture and engineering, Jasper Jordan's skill at chemistry. Some of them, like Dax, were chosen because they are, frankly, expendable." Her lips twisted on that word. "I don't like it, but I can't argue with their logic."

Jackson scowled at the list. The Ark had deemed Octavia Blake as 'expendable'. He drew a shaky breath. He wanted to go find Jaha and shout in his face, but… Abby was so calm. Abby's own daughter was on the list, and she was calm. How was she calm?

"I need to speak to the Chancellor," he said finally, then got up to find him.

"He's not going to change the list, Jackson," she called after him, but he ignored it, and ran through every possible reason he could come up with that Octavia Blake wouldn't be a good test subject. He came up blank. She was perfectly healthy.

When he eventually found Jaha, he was having a conversation with Kane. Jackson swallowed his nerves and cleared his throat. "Chancellor, may I have a moment of your time?" he said, trying to make his voice firm and insistent without overstepping any boundaries.

The two men exchanged a glance, then Kane said, "Excuse me," and walked away.

Jaha turned a blank smile on Jackson. "Doctor Jackson. Abby says you've been a great help to her in advancing the Exodus Project." His smile grew more personal. "What can I do for you?"

God, Jaha was never going to go for this, but Jackson had to try. "I'd like to request the removal of Octavia Blake from the hundred _kids_ we're sending down." He shouldn't have bitten out the word 'kids', but it had just come out.

Jaha's smile froze in place, but didn't slip off. "Blake," he repeated thoughtfully. "That's right, the extra child. I seem to recall your being there with the son when his mother was floated."

Jackson swallowed hard. "I was," he said, but didn't offer more.

"Hmm. If you know the Blake girl is on the list, you must surely know that Abby's daughter is also on the list." Jaha sounded like he was inviting Jackson to be reasonable with him. "We can't make exceptions, even for those we love. Not when the good of the entire human race hangs in the balance."

"Clarke is on the list because she has medical experience," Jackson pointed out. "Octavia doesn't have a special skillset. She's nobody. She could be swapped out for any other kid." Those words physically hurt to say, but Jackson didn't know any other way to make a case.

"You're right. Octavia _doesn't_ have a special skillset. She never attended school, was never apprenticed, has never had any training--except the Earth Skills classes we've been giving the criminals in lockup." Jaha's face was the perfect blend of regret and moral conviction--a politician's face. "Put succinctly, Octavia Blake is expendable."

Jackson felt like he'd been punched in the chest, and the next breath he took hurt a little as he fought to control his temper. Octavia was _not_ a criminal. She was _not_ expendable.

"Swap her for some other 'expendable' child, then," Jackson said. God, was he calling children expendable now too? He wasn't made for the coldness of bureaucracy.

Jaha sighed. "I'm very sorry, Doctor Jackson. The roster is set." He looked away for a moment, then said, "Perhaps you didn't read the entire list. The final name was added just today: Wells Jaha."

Jackson blinked at Jaha for a moment. He was sending his own son? How… how were he and Abby so calm?

Jackson swallowed hard, realizing this was obviously a losing battle, and straightened his shoulders a little. When had he slouched? "I'd like to make another request then," he said after a moment. "Please lift Bellamy Blake's visitation ban. If you're dropping Octavia to Earth, at least let Bellamy see her once or twice first."

"How would you explain that, son?" Jaha said, his voice quiet. "If he were suddenly granted visitation rights, he would ask questions you can't answer. I hope Abby made it clear to you that _no one_ can know about Project Exodus. If your partner found out his sister was being sent to Earth, what do you suppose he would do?"

Jackson blinked at him again, more because Jaha had called him _'son'_ than because of anything Jaha said. It felt more than a little condescending. "With all due respect, sir, how would allowing Bellamy to visit his sister lead to him learning about the project? If I don't tell him, he won't know." _And I have no desire to wind up like Jake Griffin_ , he almost added, but he couldn't afford to wind up on bad terms with Jaha. 

"And if your fear is that he will ask questions after being allowed two weeks visitation, and then no more after that, how are you planning to explain the other ninety-nine missing children to their parents and loved ones? We'll just tell Bellamy the same story." As the words left his mouth, Jackson kind of hated himself for them.

Approaching footsteps made Jaha glance to one side. When Jackson looked, he saw Commander Shumway approaching, his gaze on the Chancellor.

"This is a conversation you should be having with Abby," Jaha said after a moment, and there was a quiet finality in his tone. "My answer is no, and it will remain no. That will be all, Doctor Jackson."

Jackson stared at him for a moment, but then nodded and walked away. Jaha had called him 'son' and then dismissed him like he was a petulant child. Jackson pushed away the anger in his chest and went back to work, clearly giving off a vibe that told everyone, including Abby, not to ask how his talk with Jaha had gone.

When he got home that night, Bellamy was asleep. Jackson settled in a chair and watched Bellamy for a long moment, taking in the mess of hair on his forehead and the rise and fall of his strong chest.

He'd tried to bargain for Octavia. He'd tried to use _their_ language of 'expendable' children that made him feel sick. 

He'd failed.

When he dropped his head into his hands and started to cry, he tried to be as quiet as he could.

Bellamy didn't wake up until after Jackson got himself under control, splashed water in his face, and crawled gingerly into bed. Bellamy made a sleepy noise, kissed Jackson, and drifted off again.

The next two weeks were agonizing. Jackson kept struggling with the urge to tell Bellamy everything, even though he knew he couldn't. He felt like he was being torn in two. But he knew nothing good could come of telling Bellamy.

The night before the Dropship was scheduled to return to Earth, he tried to work until Bellamy would be sleeping. It was getting harder and harder to face him. But Bellamy was sitting at the table with a book in his hand, a meal spread out in front of him. He smiled when Jackson came in.

"There you are," he said. "I was starting to wonder if I should bring your dinner to you." He stood up and crossed the room to kiss Jackson.

Jackson huffed a laugh that he knew sounded odd, but Bellamy was brushing everything odd off recently as being a result of exhaustion. "You shouldn't have waited up," he said, wrapping his arms around Bellamy.

"I like waiting up for you," Bellamy murmured. "I just can't do it as often as I want." He nuzzled Jackson's neck. "Besides, I have ulterior motives. I want to drag you into bed."

"Oh?" Jackson said. That sounded amazing. With as much as Jackson had been working, they hadn't had much time for sex. Jackson hoped he could suppress his guilt enough to enjoy it. "I like that plan," he said.

Bellamy grinned slowly at him. "I thought you might." He backed into the room, tugging Jackson with him. "I don't have a calendar or anything, but I'm pretty sure it's been too long."

That actually made Jackson laugh, and that felt unusual suddenly. Had he laughed in the last two weeks? "You don't keep a logbook? Date, time, acts performed, positions?"

Bellamy laughed and leaned in to nip at Jackson's jaw. "Dear diary, today, Jackson was tired, so I gave him the best blow job in his life," he whispered.

Grinning, Jackson ducked his head for a real kiss. "I'm sorry if I've made you a broken record with the 'today, Jackson was tired' entries lately," he whispered.

Bellamy pressed a finger to Jackson's lips. "No apologies," he said. "You work hard. I just want to make it easier." He smiled and kissed Jackson again softly.

Jackson sifted his fingers into Bellamy's hair. "How did I get so lucky?" he murmured. "I don't deserve you."

"You're right," Bellamy said. "You could totally do better than a janitor." He gave Jackson a lopsided grin. "I'm glad I got to you before anyone else did."

Jackson smiled at Bellamy, hoping it didn't look sad. Hopefully, Bellamy might mistake it for tiredness. "No, but I am sorry, Bell. I wish I was around more for you. And for Octavia." 

The last time he'd seen Octavia, more than two weeks ago, he was pretty sure he'd done more to worry her than anything else. In his exhaustion, he couldn't remember some of the easier Hindi words and phrases she'd been teaching him. He eventually copped to being overwhelmed by work, and she'd spend the next twenty minutes comforting _him_.

God, Octavia would be gone tomorrow. What if that was the last interaction they ever had?

"You don't owe me any apologies," Bellamy said, lifting a hand to cup his cheek. "Someday you'll get the chance to train a couple more doctors, and we'll have more free time. If not..." He shrugged and gave Jackson a smile. "I knew what I was getting myself into. Now come to bed."

Jackson nodded. If Project Exodus worked, if Earth was survivable… he didn't know what medical would look like on Earth, what resources they would have, but he and Abby _could_ train more doctors. And if Octavia survived, she and Bellamy and Jackson could be a family. It was a nice idea. He had to believe that could still happen.

Jackson let Bellamy guide him to the bed, kissing Bellamy and purposely not pointing out that their dinner would get cold. It probably already was cold, and Jackson wanted Bellamy more than food.

Bellamy's kisses grew hungrier as he tugged Jackson down onto the bed with him. "I love you," he whispered between kisses. "Always will."

Those words sent a thrill through Jackson, but there was a pang in his chest as he hoped Bellamy would never regret saying them. "I love you too," Jackson whispered, rolling to pull Bellamy on top of him as his hands roamed Bellamy's body. "Always."

"Good." Bellamy kissed his way along Jackson's jaw, one hand sliding up under Jackson's shirt to press against his stomach. "J," he breathed, a smile in his voice. "What do you want tonight?"

Jackson smiled too. He could relax. He could let go. He could let Bellamy help him forget everything for a little while and enjoy Bellamy's touch. "You," he said. "Whatever you want."

"Hmm. What _do_ I want?" Bellamy nipped gently at Jackson's jaw.

Jackson chuckled faintly. "Let's just see where this goes," he suggested, and slid a hand up the back of Bellamy's shirt.

Bellamy didn't seem to have a problem with that, because he just hummed a pleased noise and kissed Jackson again. After a few kisses, their bodies felt like they were making their own decisions without either Bellamy or Jackson's input, kissing and touching and licking and sucking and dragging each other's clothes off. By the time they were both completely undressed, they were both flushed with desire.

"Sit on me," Jackson panted. "On top." He wanted to be inside Bellamy, but he _was_ tired. "Do all the work while you're up there," he added teasingly.

Bellamy laughed. "You deserve to be lazy once in a while," he murmured. His gaze was warm as he prepared himself and sank down on Jackson. He started out slow, but it didn't take long for his movements to become more urgent. In the end, Jackson couldn't let him do _all_ the work, because he couldn't keep himself still. They came almost together, and Bellamy slumped, breathless, against Jackson's chest.

"God, I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," Jackson panted. _I'm going to save us all,_ he thought. _I **have** to save us all. _

After a while, Bellamy shifted so he could lie next to Jackson. He dragged a blanket over them and draped an arm across Jackson's chest. "I've always told Octavia she's the best thing that ever happened to me," he murmured. "But you're right up there."

Jackson tightened his arm around Bellamy. "You _are_ the best thing that ever happened to me," he murmured. His body felt heavy. Sleep pulled him from consciousness quickly.

The next day, he managed to get out of bed without waking Bellamy, and get ready for work without vomiting, in spite of his nerves. He hesitated at the door before leaving and whispered, "I love you."

Bellamy didn't move, but to Jackson's surprise, he mumbled, "I love you too."

Jackson nodded and let himself out.

The day the dropship launched ended up being the day Jackson's life fell apart. First there were complications with the descent, resulting in the loss of all the instruments except the wristbands and two dead children on impact. Then they found out Jaha had been shot. Abby ordered Jackson to put out a call for blood, then told Jackson to get his ass to medical.

The next thing he knew, he was standing over an operating table, telling Abby to stop trying to save Jaha's life. He _knew_ why she was using more blood and anesthesia on Jaha than rationing allowed. He knew Abby was trying to do what she could to prevent Kane from taking power. But Jackson wasn't convinced that they _could_ save Jaha, and Kane would most certainly float Abby for misuse of medical resources. Kane never bent the rules. Ever.

Still, he did what Abby told him to do, and when Jaha was stable enough to leave, they went back to monitoring the wristbands for a while. There was a glimmer of hope in Jackson's chest when he recognized that the kids had found water, and he held Abby's hand in tiny celebration, but not much later, Kane was arresting Abby, and the hope was dashed right out of Jackson.

Jackson hovered between the monitoring station and checking on Jaha for the hours that followed, trying to keep his cool. Maybe Jaha would pull through. God, he hoped Jaha would pull through before Abby's execution the following morning. Jackson wasn't sure he could do this without her.

He wondered absently if Bellamy would just let him cry in his arms tonight and not ask questions, while outwardly forcing himself to remain calm.

He was absorbed in his work when someone stepped up next to him and put a hand on his elbow. "Doctor Jackson, we need to have a talk," Chancellor Kane said, his voice low. "I'd rather not do this in public."

Jackson looked at Kane, trying for a neutral expression, but he was fairly certain his anger towards Kane bled through a little. Still, he followed Kane to the room their council meetings usually took place, though it was currently empty. As soon as the door was shut, Jackson said, "You cannot float Abby, chancellor. She is _essential_ to Project Exodus."

Kane folded his arms across his chest and turned to face Jackson. "Right now I'm less concerned with Abby than I am with your boyfriend, Doctor Jackson. And whether you knew anything about his plans."

Jackson blinked at him for a moment, then frowned in confusion. "Plans?" he said. "I-- what plans?"

Kane studied him, eyes narrowed, for several moments. Finally he sighed. "Commander Shumway has identified the person who shot Chancellor Jaha. Bellamy Blake is the only person unaccounted for." He held Jackson's gaze, his expression troubled. "Your partner tried to assassinate the chancellor, Jackson."

Jackson stared at Kane for several heartbeats, almost too stunned to move. After a moment, though, he realized he was having trouble breathing. His chest was rising and falling a little too heavily.

"That's not possible," he said, trying to keep his expression even. He wasn't going to fall apart in front of _Kane_.

"Have you seen him since the Dropship launched?" Kane asked. "His sister was on board the Dropship, and we've already seen what lengths he was willing to go to in order to protect her." He sighed. "For that matter, I've seen you recently taking...unusual measures to try to protect her yourself. I don't want to think you told him anything about Project Exodus. I'm hoping you can shed some light on this for me."

Before he could stop himself, Jackson took several steps backward and collapsed as gracefully as possible into a chair. He couldn't breathe. Jackson knew Bellamy hated Jaha. But how had Bellamy even found out about the Dropship? How had he acquired a weapon? Oh God, was Bellamy really _gone_?

Jackson propped his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands. "I saw him… this morning. He was in bed when I left for work. I haven't…" He drew a deep breath and forced himself to stay strong. "I haven't seen him since." He looked back up and met Kane's gaze. "I never told him anything. I'd prefer to not wind up like the Griffins."

Kane looked unhappy. "I don't enjoy seeing people floated, Jackson. All I insist is that people follow the rules. Rules which are in place for the continued survival of our species." He rubbed his forehead. "I know you can't have been the person who helped him get on the Dropship; you didn't have access. That leads me to believe that you didn't tell him about his sister. But if you come across any information, it's vital that you share it with me immediately."

He was silent for a moment, then said, "I'm sorry you had to find out like this. You...seemed very happy together." He turned to go.

Jackson stared at his back, and when the door clicked shut behind Kane, Jackson's eyes filled with tears almost reflexively. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. Abby was sentenced to float. Bellamy was on Earth, and without a wristband, so who could even know what condition he was in?

_Bellamy shot Jaha and left on the Dropship._

_He left me. Without warning._

Jackson buried his face in his hands and tried to breath. He felt almost too stunned to process anything. Finally, he drew a shaky breath and straightened.

Work.

He had to work.

He couldn't fall apart. Not yet. Abby wouldn't fall apart. And she deserved better than having Jackson fall apart after spending months on this project.

Somehow he forced himself to go back to Medical long enough to check on Jaha's condition--still critical, but there was still hope--and then return to the Earth monitoring station. He wasn't sure how late it was when Sinclair rested a hand on his shoulder and told him he should get some sleep.

"Abby would want you to be there tomorrow," Sinclair said quietly. "If Kane really goes through with this."

Jackson held Sinclair's gaze for a long moment, fairly certain his own face reflected Sinclair's deeply unhappy expression, then he nodded and headed for his rooms. Halfway there, he took a detour to the mess, where he sat and ate a meal that seemed tasteless. Like cardboard.

He finished his food anyway and stared at the empty plate. He was avoiding going home, he knew. He closed his eyes and drew a deep breath, then stood, forcing one foot in front of the other until he was at his door.

It had become habit to lock the door, thanks to Bellamy, so Jackson unlocked the door, letting himself in, but he couldn't step inside for several heartbeats. His throat was tight as he thought about all the times Bellamy had locked the door, the way he'd brought Jackson meals, how he'd _taken care_ of Jackson. How? How could he have done what Kane said he'd done?

How could he have _left_ Jackson?

After a minute, Jackson forced himself to step inside and shut the door behind him. He looked blankly around at the home he'd grown used to sharing with Bellamy.

It was empty. It was silent. It felt… cold. 

Jackson leaned back against the door, his eyes stinging as he stared at the chess set on the table, mid-game. His chest hurt. It didn't belong there anymore. Not with his mother gone. Not with _Bellamy_ gone now too.

Bellamy _left_ him. 

Jackson wasn't sure how it was possible to sob and be suddenly furious at the same time, but he managed it. He strode across the room and swiped the chessboard off the table. It crashed into the wall and all the pieces scattered across the floor as Jackson collapsed into a chair and finally allowed himself to lose control, weeping into his hands.

He didn't know how much time had passed when he finally realized his breathing was mostly steady again, his eyes raw but dry. Maybe the tears were done for now. He didn't know if he would be able to sleep, even though he felt drained of energy, but he should try.

Jackson stripped down to his boxers and shuffled to the bed, where he caught his breath, staring at the pillow.

A single sheet of paper was folded in half, held in place with a black pawn. Jackson's throat tightened so much he couldn't breathe. Did he even want to see what Bellamy had written? How Bellamy had thought he could explain this abandonment?

His hand shaking, he reached out and unfolded the paper.

_J --_

_They're sending Octavia to Earth with a bunch of skybox kids. I have to do this. I'm so sorry. I'll always love you._

_Bell_

Jackson stared at the paper, feeling stupidly preoccupied by the fact that Bellamy had felt the need to tell him what was happening to Octavia--what _had_ happened to Octavia. Bellamy had no idea Jackson knew already. It hadn't crossed his mind.

Jackson gasped softly when one of his tears hit the paper, smudging the word 'skybox'. He quickly wiped the wetness away and climbed into bed, clutching the note and the pawn to his chest.

Tears were slowly rolling over his face now, but he ignored them. If Bellamy survived the landing, if Earth was habitable, Jackson could be on the next Dropship down. If Bellamy survived, this might not be a forever goodbye. Maybe they really could be a family. On Earth.

Jackson pushed away the discomfort that he knew Bellamy would be punished for his crime. He couldn't think about that. He had to be strong.

He wiped the tears off his face and closed his eyes. "I love you too, Bell. Always."


End file.
